I hate lying to my parents! - Relationship Health Message Board

rose777 · 08-14-2003, 11:38 PM

what to do! (warning-this is kind of a long post)
I'm 20 years old, and I've moved out of state to go to college.
About a year and a half after I moved here, I met my boyfriend, whom i've been with for almost 9 months now. We are deeply in love with eachother-I've had boyfriends in the past but I've never felt this deeply about anyone.
Well, about 4 or 5 months into our relationship, He decided to drive me home, and meet my parents. It sounded like a great idea-I'm very open with my parents, and I love telling them everything about my life.
Once my parents met him though, they told me that I need to break up with him, date around, he's not "good" enough for me, etc etc..U know, the normal parent things. Well, don't know if that's really "normal", but they were really adamant about it. In any case, I tried to stand up to them about it. told them this is MY life, that I understand they're worried about me, but that there's no way to tell what the future will bring, and that we should let things take their course. that there's no way for them to tell if he's the "right" one for me from meeting him just once for like 10 minutes.
My mom told me she's worried I'll end up marrying him because I'll become "attached" to him if I date him for too long. She doesnt want me to marry him later and regret not dating around more. (me, on the other hand? this guy is perfect for me, and I'm living in the moment. if he proves himself not "good enough" for me, then I'll break up with him, but only if and when that happens.)
I understand they're worried, and more experienced, but really I didn't know what else I could have done. I ended up lying to them to get them off my back (I told them I would break up with him) and I've been with him ever since. I'm a horrible liar, though, and I've caught myself almost slipping and giving myself away numerous times.

Any advice on how to handle this situation? i HATE lying to them. I wish I could talk to my mom more about him w/o hiding anything...:/ but man, they're being so damn unflexible about this!!! they won't give him a fair chance!
Another thing about my parents is that one of the MOST IMPORTANT things to them is that I completely respect them-if i ever make them feel like I want to exclude them from any part of my life, they'll get angry with me for "disrespecting" them. Also, if they knew I lied to them, they would kill me.

[This message has been edited by rose777 (edited 08-15-2003).]

~Tona~ · 08-15-2003, 01:04 AM

Never lie to your parents! At your age, you shouldn't need to. You have your own life now and it is your responsibility to handle yourself accordingly. Your life is your life and if you don't live with your parenst, they will need to just get over it and realise that they can't control you forever.

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~Tona~

Monday1954 · 08-15-2003, 07:10 AM

I have been the parent - my daughter had a boy friend
that she though was completely her dream man. When
we first met him, he was o.lk. but as we came to know
him there were a lot of things that we began to
question.

Our daughter was 20 at that time - after a few months
of their dating my husband started to really dislike
him (guy instinct?) I told him to calm down, maybe
the relationship would break up on it's own. We
(my husband and I) even had several arguments over
them dating. Later, even I did not want him in our
house or our daughter to see him. She did what you
have done, let us believe it was over but sometimes
she slipped and we knew anyway. I will not go in
to all the details about what we saw wrong with him,
she thought he was the be all, end all and nothing
we said swayed her at all.

Now, 5 years down the road I have talked to her about
that time and she says there is nothing we could have
done different - she just had to go through it herself.
She is now married (to someone else) so she is more
willing to be open about things.

A word of caution: Try talking to your parents about
their likes and dislikes about this guy - it could be
they see some things that you don't because you are
infatuated with him. Since we are older and have seen
more of life than our daughter and you there may be
something to be careful about. Believe it or not
your parents were once your age and went through some
similar experiences. They really do have your
best interest at heart.

Like our daughter though, you will have to reach this
place yourself - people learn from their mistakes,
she was our oldest child and we didn't realize she
was grown up and could make her own choices. We
have not liked many of her choices but they are hers
to make, good and bad.

Redhead23 · 08-15-2003, 07:32 AM

Monday - I could be your daughter, but I made the even bigger mistake of marrying the guy! AND my parents didn't tell me how they felt until I told them that I'd left him, but like your daughter says it wouldn't have made a difference to me at the time! (Still, when my Mom shows her "told you so" attitude it kinda hurts that she didn't even mention her concerns and let me run into this blindly!)

I went through exactly the same thing, even moved hundreds of miles to be with a man who later treated me v. badly and nearly crushed my self esteem. I, too, was 20 at the time and I even though I have now stopped smoking (bad habit picked up in that relationship), live healthier and am with a caring and loving guy I am to this day suffering fom the side effects of the relationship.

I have to get divorced under a phoney reason (adultery) because of my ex's delusions and his instability. I want to shout it from the rooftops what happened to me and how silly and foolish I was and I want my former friends to know what really went on but I can't because I have to live in the same town and his instability means the slightest thing could set him off. Plus the last thing I need is to dig out all the abuse and my stupidity (for putting up with it) in front of court.

Please, think about what your parents are criticising in him, but at the end of the day if he is a *wrong one* then the only person who CAN do something about this decision is you! Good Luck whatever you decide!

Red

scotxla · 08-15-2003, 08:04 AM

the main issue i reckon is how much do you trust your parents' judgement? it sounds like you have a generally good relationship with them and they could well be right about your boyfriend, but they should justify their reasons to you. deep down, do you think he is good enough for you? only you can make that decision in the end!