ThomasW

My wife recently lost 150 pounds after being overweight for 11 years. We have been married for 9 years, and while we have had our share of problems we have always worked through them. Let me start off by saying that I love this woman with all of my heart and soul, and always will no matter what she looks like.

Recently she has a new found sense of self-confidence, which I am really happy about. She can buy what she calls "normal" clothes now and generally feels great after being self conscious for so long.

We recently got Internet access again after canceling it six years ago. We cancelled it the last time because I caught her having cybersex and phonesex with guys, a problem, which we obviously worked through.

Lately she has been hanging out in a particular IRC (Internet Relay Chat) channel where people from around our state gather and chat. I didn't have a problem with this until I saw my phone bill. It seemed she was also calling a few of these people, most of which were guys. And she seemed to talk to one guy a lot. So I asked her if anything was going on, and she basically told me they were friends. I told her I was a bit uncomfortable with her calling people I have never met, and she said I would eventually meet them. Okay so far.

Then a female chat friend came to town to stay with family. So they spent the week doing things around town. Then came the weekend and they went out. They went out all day/part of the night on Friday and then again Saturday evening (and she was dressed to kill ... not the usual nice outfit with jeans ... it was a black dress .. a really nice expensive outfit). Hours passed and she finally called at three in the morning to say she was sleeping on this friend's couch until she sobered up. This is completely unlike her and I wasn't happy with it. As it turns out it was her friend's idea to have her call and let me know she was okay, otherwise I wouldn't have known anything until she came home at seven o'clock that morning. We had a talk about that and she apologized, even though I don't think she was truly sorry. She sort of explained it away that she never gets to have any fun or some such crap like that. Keep in mind I am always trying to get her to go out and have fun like that with me. Needless to say I was a little hurt, but I thought it was a one-time thing.

In the weeks that followed she spent more and more time on IRC. In fact she spent about 90% of her free time there leaving the 10% for me. I thought it was just a phase and would pass. Then she started going out and meeting some of the people that were local to us at least once a week, again cutting into our time even more. When I objected to the amount of time she spent she said, "you can go too", but most of these things seem to occur at a moments notice which left no time to get a sitter.

About two weeks ago she told me she wanted to go visit this female chat friend, who lives in another city, for the weekend. She said she was going to take our daughter on the trip and go to the beach and do other touristy type things with her friend and her friend's daughter. I told her that I wasn't completely happy about the trip because it was again cutting out our time together. Before she left I told her that whatever she did I did not want her leaving my daughter with a total stranger while her and her friend went out. I explained that I don't know either of them, she has only met her once, and other than that she only chats with her online. I went on to say that if she planned on going out she needed to leave my daughter with me at home rather than leave her with a stranger. She said she would never do that and I should give her some credit. She called when she arrived to let me know that they were okay and said she would call again after the following days events. She called about five o'clock the next day and told me all about the things that they had done and I talked to my daughter and she seemed like she was having a good time so I felt a little better about everything. I asked my wife to call me sometime later because I was in the middle of making dinner for the other kiddos. She said she might not be able to because they might take the girls to see a movie. I told just to call me when she got our daughter to bed and she said she would. Once ten o'clock rolled around and I became a little worried so I called the number that she gave me. Her chat friend's husband and I asked for my wife and he said they were still out. I asked him if he knew about what time he expected his wife, my wife, and the girls to get home. He said the girls were there with him and my wife and his were out on the town. I was furious! She completely and totally lied to me. My wife called at three o'clock in the morning and I told her how upset I was. She said she had not planned on going out and it was a last minute decision. She offered a half *** apology and that was the end of that conversation. I found out that they went out and met some more of the people from IRC that were in that city, including the guy she spent so many hours talking to.

When she got back I told her we had to talk and I again asked her if there was anything between her and this guy. She said he was a jerk and there was nothing. I asked her to put herself in my shoes and look at the situation, and I told her from the outside looking in it looked as if she was being unfaithful. She denied it, got mad at me for suggesting such a thing, and she said she would make more time for "us". Well, it still hasn't happened.

Over the past week we talked about the situation and I asked her if it would be okay to set up some boundaries cause I thought our relationship was going down the drain. I asked her not to call that guy anymore, not to see guys from IRC unless it was a group setting, and to stop going out so much with other people and make time for us to go out or whatever. She said she thought that it was unfair that I ask such things because these people are her friends. So I asked her why I couldn't join in the fun and get to know some of her friends either by meeting them or chatting on IRC with her. She said that they were her friends and she needed to have her own friends and a hobby that was her own, something apart from our marriage. She then said that I would just be getting on IRC to "spy" on her. All I wanted to say is "who is this woman and what have you done with my wife?". She concluded that I was being irrational.

Well, I came to find out through a friend of a friend that she did NOT cheat on me. The friend of a friend information is very reliable so I'll just leave it at that. I know for a fact that nothing happened.

We both agreed that we needed to seek out marriage counseling, and I said in the meanwhile I would appreciate it if she wouldn't do all the things she's been doing (going out all the time, meeting "guy friends" for lunch, and calling other guys on the telephone). She reluctantly agreed. So it sounds like we are on the right track.

Her is the kicker. The friend of a friend tells me that she is planning to meet some guy for lunch next week her in town. Now this angered me, because I would like to see what a marriage counselor has to say about our situation before she runs off and does something she said she wouldn't do ... again!

So now the dilemma, should I tell her that I know and ask her not to go (she'll accuse me of spying), show up at lunch and bust her at her own game, or let it slide?

I can't believe my marriage is being ruined by something as stupid as chat.... *sigh*

Also, what does everyone think ... am I way off base here?!?!? What should I do?



[This message has been edited by ThomasW (edited 08-18-2003).]