"Baby Fever" Straining Relationship! Help! - Relationship Health Message Board

VeganLady · 09-22-2003, 10:49 PM

Hey everyone. I posted a topic related to this on another board and got some great replies but wondered if someone here might offer a little advice. Here we go.

My b/f and I have been together for a long time and I recently started feeling the strong need to have a baby. We talked about the matter long ago, and we both decided that it was best to wait until college is over. Not a bad idea, but recently I just haven't felt like waiting that long! So... we talked and somehow came up with at least waiting 2 more years. At the time, this was okay with me, as 2 years really isn't that long. But hormones have suddenly taken over, and now I can't stop talking about it. Everytime there is a TV program relating to pregnancy/babies I watch it. When I see a baby I almost cry. When b/f and I are together I can't shut up about it! I have never wanted anything this badly! It's putting a strain on our relationship, nothing too major, but I don't want it to get any worse. I try not to bring it up for his sake, but somehow he always kind of says something to set it off without relizing it. I know it's best to wait, and he is right for thinking so... I just don't know. Sorry if this isn't going anywhere, I guess what I'm trying to say is... Anyone else had this problem? Did it turn out okay and what did you do about it? He really doesn't want a baby right now so what else can I do to 'cure' this?? I'm not sure this was the right place to post this and I already posted on 'pregnancy' and 'womens issues'. I guess I'm just looking for someone to relate with.

Djin · 09-23-2003, 09:22 AM

You're not even out of college yet?!? Oh, you must slow down, sweetie. Think about this with your head, not with your hormones. A baby should only be brought into this world if there's a stable family for it to be raised in. Sure, unplanned pregnancies happen all the time. But to PLAN for a baby to be born to a young, unmarried couple? That is incredibly irresponsible! You have plenty of time for babies! Don't be in such a hurry! And I commend your boyfriend for trying to get you to wait. He knows he's too young to be a father. Do you really want to pressure him into this, only to have him get fed up and leave? Let's say you do convince him to get you pregnant. Then you have the baby. Then he realizes he was right all along and isn't ready to be a father. He leaves. That leaves you to be a single mother. Is that what you want?

A baby is not a pet. It's something you will be responsible for for the rest of your life!!! Do you really want that responsibility at such a young age? If so, say goodbye to hanging out with friends whenever you want. Say goodbye to staying out late. Say goodbye to having money to spend on yourself, especially at this stage in your life.

Talk to some unwed mothers. I'm sure your romantic view of single motherhood will turn into the reality that it is.

TeTr01 · 09-23-2003, 01:19 PM

I know exactly how you feel!! My b/f & I started dating back when we were 16 & I had my daughter when I was 19. She will be 2 this October & we are 21... but I want to have another SOOOO bad!! My b/f knows b/c I talk about it all the time. He wants to have another too, but he just wants to wait a little longer - mainly till we are in a better financial situation. I know that he is being very responsible about this & I appreciate that, plus I respect his opinion, feelings & needs... but that can't stop me from THINKING about it! I know it's hard to wait, but you are probably better off doing so. Although I wouldn't trade having my daughter for 1 second, it hasn't always been easy.I got pregnant 1/2 way thru my Sr. year & was working 2 jobs at the time. I didn't plan to go on to college, so that was not a problem for me - my b/f is in college tho & doing very well. I know it probably would be easier for him if we didn't have her now b/c he would be able to go to school full time & work part time instead of the other way around - but he feels the same as me, he wouldn't trade her for anything!! If you & your b/f are in college already, I would say just wait till you are done - there will be plenty of time.

Djin is right in some ways... having a baby is deffinitely not like having a pet! They take up so much of you life, it's almost like it's not yours anymore. You need to be ready for it, b/c if you are not then you will be in for a HUGE surprise. To be totally honest, I thought it was going to be quite different. We got lucky in a lot of ways, our little girl is so good you wouldn't believe it! I somtimes wonder where she came from, LOL! My mom said when I was a baby I used to cry all the time, she could barely put my down - totally opposite with my daughter. When she was really tiny, she used to just sleep ALL the time, literally! She still is a really good sleeper, she is an extremely well behaved child & she is just about always a joy to be around - everyone tells me that all the time! But she is also right in that you deffinitely can't go out & do whatever you want whenever you want... but what you do & how much you get to go out depends on your exact situation. My b/f & I know that we are so lucky b/c our families help us out when we need it. We do get to go out when we want to, maybe not all the time like people our age that don't have kids, but as much as can be expected. It's nice to have the help, but not everyone does, that is why we know that we are lucky!

Anyway, what you do with your life is up to you & your b/f. You just have to make sure you do what is right for both of you! Hope this helps you.

VeganLady · 09-23-2003, 01:44 PM

Tetr01, thanks for your reply. You were very helpful.

Djin, I really should have typed more as you seem to not understand at all. Tons of younger couples that I know (still in college) have children and are doing wonderful. My b/f will also be out soon and at a stable job. If I didn't think we would be able to handle this baby right now I would not have even posted. I'm not trying to 'convince' my b/f to agree with me, as I respect his opinion. We both agree, should something happen, we would not be disapointed and would keep the baby. He doesn't want to leave me and the fact that we aren't legally married doesn't make his commitment to me less. I of course know that a child is not a pet! I am fully aware of all the needs of a child. Just because I am in college doesn't mean I feel the need to go out all the time, party, and spend all my money on clothing. Which seems to be what you think. Who said I had a romantic veiw on being a single mother!? My b/f would never just 'give in' and agree to have a baby if he wasn't ready. I'm assuming you are older as you seem to think people in their 20's are totally irresponsible! I shouldn't be wasting my time with this reply to you, but I asked for support on this issue. Not for a put down and label as an irresponsible college student!

Once again, thanks a lot Tetr01. Anyone else?

SophiaM · 09-23-2003, 02:15 PM

Hi VeganLady. It seems that you have a really strong desire to have a child and a pretty good understanding of what motherhood would mean in practical terms. I don't think Djin was trying to put you down but only to make you think realistically about the sacrifices you would have to make. From your second post, it's clear that you would be prepared to make these sacrifices at this point in your life. But the issue still remains that your boyfriend doesn't seem quite ready, and that you are not married. Perhaps I'm a bit traditional in my views, but I think it's better for a child to be born into a family with married parents. I think it would be the optimal environment in which to raise a baby. Unfortunately, mot many college age men are ready to make that kind of commitment, both for emotional and financial reasons. When does your boyfriend graduate? If it's in a year or two, it might be worth waiting to first get married and then have a baby when both of you are prepared for it. It would probably be the best solution but of course only you and your boyfriend can make the final decision.