re: should I let my musician bf go? - Relationship Health Message Board

ally313 · 09-25-2003, 02:14 PM

To those who haven't read my earlier post, here's the recap: BF who is in a band, who was fun to be with, whom I loved dearly, gone missing all of a sudden. He has alcohol problems and very unreliable. Loads of broken promises. I was suffereing from anxiety attacks the whole time because he is too unpredictable. He went missing/hiding because he felt that I deserve someone better. We broke up, but it wasn't clean. It was just silence treatment from the both of us. I saw him holding his ex's hand, but he said they are just good freinds. Whatever.. I shunned him off totally even though he was trying to explain. I don't see the point. and I moved on.

2 weeks later, I went for a couple of drink with a male freind and as I was leaving, I bumped into him at the pub. I walked passed him but he ran after me. So I had to face the music. He was claiming the he is not a 'bull****ter' and blaming me for ignoring him. I told him I had to go as my friend was waiting and he gave me a long strong hug. It felt like the last hug and I do miss it.

He called me later at night. He was drunk. He asked me to go to his but of course I said no to this time. He told me that he was jealous when he saw me and my male freind. I didn't know why I borther explaining, but I told him that he is just a friend. Our conversatoin went silly once we started blaming one another for ignoring one another and all that. We got tired. He later contracdicted himself by saying that he is a loser and I don't want to have anything to do with someone like him. Before he hung up, he told me that he loves me. I was both angry and sad. I wish he knows what he wants.

I can't to be in the situation I was in before. I know that I have to let him go completely. We are supposed to 'talk', as he put it with promises all the time - that he would call, but he never does. I don't think I can see him anymore, not for the near future at least. Perhaps I have been fooling myself with the hope that by talking we would get back together. I am a much happier person since he is out of my life. I guess I have to accept the fact that I will never find out why he went disappearing at the first place.

I sent him a nice text to wrap things up- basically thanking him for the good times and wishing him all the best kinda thing (I sent him a nasty one when I saw him with his ex). It's kinda like good bye but be civil to one another the next time we meet. It is sad to finalise things, there is a loss, but I have to move forward. I think I have done the right thing, or the best I could. Or haven't I?

scstar19 · 09-25-2003, 02:40 PM

Ally, I do think you've done the best thing that you could do in your situation. I am in a similar one myself. My b/f is not a musician, but he is somewhat of an alcoholic. Whenever there is a problem, he won't talk to me, but instead runs away and gets drunk. Then he comes back and thinks everything is fine again because some time has passed. That's not the way a relationship works!! We've been together (very on again/off again) for four years. I just got to the point finally, where I'm realizing that he's never gonna change and he's never gonna grow up. I just realized that I don't want to live this way for ever. So, I finally ended it this time. And, of course, it's not the first time, but it was different this time because the light bulb finally came on!! The other times were usually because we were fighting and his drinking and all that. But, I did it and it's been about two and a half weeks since then. He's done everything he can to get me to take him back, but I can't do it. Not until he proves to me beyond any reasonable doubt that he has changed-and since that's not likely of happening, it's over! I still love him and always will love him. We had a lot of history together, but at the same time, I have to do what's best for me. And I've been so happy the past couple weeks just being by myself. Now, I don't mean to go on and on about my own troubles, because my point was to reassure you that what you did was the best thing. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone and by sticking to your decision, you will be so much happier in the long run!! Just trust your gut and do whatever you think is the best thing for you!!! Good luck.....

Djin · 09-25-2003, 02:42 PM

I think you did the right thing. He obviously isn't ready to be in a relationship based on mutual respect, if he disappears for days on end, leaving you in a state of panic. Let him go to have his fun and live his life. Perhaps one day he'll be able to settle down and have a real relationship. But that time is obviously not now.

He may love you and you may love him. But loving one another is not the only ingredient for a happy, healthy relationship.

Best wishes!

ally313 · 09-26-2003, 12:47 AM

Thx alot for all the support. It puts a smile to my face. SC, 4 years is a long time to go through all that, you must be a very strong person now having to let him go.
Thanks again!