My hubby and daughter - Relationship Health Message Board

girllfire · 09-23-2003, 01:01 PM

Hi All,

I freqeunt here allot and post replies from time to time. Well I guess its my turn to ask advice

I'm 29 and have been married for 2 1/2 years now. I have a daughter from a previous relationship (she is 5). My daughter never knew he real dad (long story) so when she met my now hubby she connected with him. He is the only dad she knows and she calls him dad. So our little family is doing great EXCEPT my hubby has a temper and in all honesty is stricter than I am and is more of the disciplinarian than I am. I can see by my dd (daughter's) behavior she listens more to him than me, does as she is told. I mean he only has to speak once and she does it whereas I have to kind of repeat myself a few times.

Anyways, lately she has become really whiney and crying for no reason. She used to be like this but it had stopped. She started Kindergarten this year so Im wondering if its not related to this change?
So last night she was in her crying mood and I was talking to her and she started her whining again. I told her to go and wash her hands as we were outside. She went in. After 5 minutes I went in the house and my hubby was in the bathroom "talking" to her. It turns out he had spanked her for her continual crying after telling her to stop and she didnt. She obviously got so scared she pee'd on herself. I went in and her bum was red and had welts on it. I immediately put in her in the tub and my poor baby couldnt even sit down! Of course him and I got into it and its now the next day 2:00pm and we still havent spoken to each other at all.

This isnt the first time my dd has wet herself. It has happend on 5 other occasions. Its almost as if she is afraid of him.

What do I do?? Im at a loss? The previous times this happend he would come and half-assed apologize and we would move on. But this time I realize if I dont do/say something its going to happen again and again!
I have to put my child first. I am so mad at him right now. Its like a power struggle with a 5 year old.

When we do talk, what should I say? Yell further, forbid him for disciplining her? That in itself would cause problems I would imagine. I really need some advice. Am i just blowing this out of the water? This is my first marriage and his too. We arent married all that long and all in all he is GREAT with her and spends allot of time reading to her, watching movies with her. She adores him to death and always wants to be around him 24/7. And now this is happening and I'm at a loss

Any advice would be appreciated

Monday1954 · 09-23-2003, 01:15 PM

Sign him up for some parenting classes. He is new to this and is as likely lost as you are. Maybe his parents spanked him a lot and he only knows this one kind of discipline.

If you think he wouldn't go to the parenting class, buy some books on child discipline and get him to read them. No child deserves to get spanked that hard and shouldn't be afraid enough to wet her pants.

He doesn't sound all bad, just not in the know about how to raise children. Try helping him, calmly.
I know if this was my child, I would have already had a screaming fit (sounds like you did too), my husband and I have had several disagreements on how to bring up children, it is something you have to work on together.

nvu_nvr · 09-23-2003, 04:28 PM

If your daughter has wet her pants 6 times out of fear of your husband, something needs to happen and soon. You ARE NOT blowing this out of the water, I would have done the same thing but worse if it had been my husband and daughter.

I don't buy the nonsense about him being new to this because he's not. He has been her stepfather for OVER 2 years and chances are has known her before that unless you married him the day you met him, which I doubt. If you had been married for only a couple months or maybe just under a year that could be a slim excuse, but not after this long.

You are right to say you need to put your child first because so many people are willing to put a man before their child just to make themselves happy, even if their children fear the man. I suggest you suggest a parenting skills class and most importantly, an anger management class for your husband. He needs one if he is going to spank a little girl like that just because she was crying. That is called child abuse in my book and it's your duty as her mother to stop it before it escalates. What happens when she gets older and the crying is harder, or the messes are bigger, etc.? He will not stop on his own.

I wish you and your daughter loads of luck but please don't give in to this because ignoring it will only make it worse, but I think you know that.

BigMomma24 · 09-23-2003, 04:51 PM

I am also in the same situation, except for the fact that my daughter is 4 and my boyfriend and I aren't married. We moved in together in May, although we've been together over a year. My daughter also adores him (she's never met her real dad) but we've had several arguments about discipline. Sometimes I think he's too harsh on her, although she listens to him. With me, I can't get her to do ANYTHING and resort to asking him to discipline her for me!! I know that sounds horrible.

I've recently asked him to "tone it down" and so far, he's been doing well, but we both have a hard time dealing with the "whining". It's constant, and sometimes for little reason. My daughter has a habit of blowing everything out of proportion. She's a drama-queen in training.

Please know that you are not alone. I know the feelings of turmoil and guilt that go through your head sometimes. And we, as parents, don't always know the right thing to do. I think you made a brave move by asking for advice on this board, and I hope things start looking up for you.

Lindarella · 09-23-2003, 10:05 PM

If your husband is spanking your daughter so hard he's leaving welts that prevents her from sitting down and scaring her so bad she's peeing her pants, COME ON! You need to get her out of this situation. If you called the police, they would arrest him for this behavior....It IS child abuse.

I had an ex husband that I was married to for exactly 9 months. I came home one day to find him beating my son with a wooden spoon. It was a horrible experience and my sons (now 21 and 23) still remember the trauma of it, as do I.

He's a nut. It IS going to happen again and again. He'll get very slick at it also. He'll do it when you're not home because he knows it upsets you.

I feel for you. He will not stop this on his own or just by "having a talk with him." He needs intense counseling. Is he worth it? Is it worth it to your daughter? I'd doubt it...