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Old 07-25-2002, 09:45 AM   #1
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sherry70 HB User
Post Setting myself up for an affair???

Hi everyone, I have never posted here before but I have been reading with interest for a long time now.
I am a 31 year old female and I don't really know where to begin to tell this story other than this...23 years ago, when I was 8 years old my elementary school introduced an international friendship program where we got a list of participating school children from all over the world who wanted a pen pal. The rule was that you could pick one pen pal. I picked a girl from Greece and we wrote back and forth for about 5 years and then it slowly faded off until we lost contact. What I didn't realize was that the same list was also given to other children to pick a name. I was chosen by a cute little 9 year old Italian boy desperatly trying to learn English. The years went by and we kept very close contact...sometimes receiving and sending up to 4 letters a week. To make a long story short...by the time we were older teenagers through till the age of about 24 the conversations became some what racey at times and as odd as this may sound we seemed to be developing a loving relationship for each other. We often laughed about how silly it was to be so crazy for someone you have never met. Soon after started dating a man and he was furious about my pen pal (although I told pen pal about my new relationship and he respected it and then our letters were only in a friendly nature) My new man insisted I end my contact with my pen pal and I reluctantly done so. I felt bad about it and worried it was the worse mistake I ever made. The relationship between the new man and I only lasted a few years, I wonder if I could not get over the resentment of him demanding I have no contact with my pen pal. One day 5 years after ending my friendship with my pen pal I was talking to a hometown friend on ICQ and I get this strange message saying "hello darling" in Italian. My heart stopped for what seemed like forever until I checked the user info and guess what!! It was him!! I appologized to my faithful childhood pen friend and he forgave me. Problem now begins....I have been in a relationship for the last 4 years but in those 4 years I have continued my pen pal relationship via mostly internet now and I am scared to tell my partner for fear that he will too insist I lose contact with my pen pal again. The weird thing is I have to go to Brazil for my work and I have not told my pen pal about this but last week he told me he would be going to Brazil in June of next year for a sport tournament. It is the same week that I will be there. We have never met and I am playing with the idea of telling him that I will be there also but I am not sure if things would only stay on a friendly terms. I am so confused as I feel if I don't meet him I will regret it but on the other hand I can not say that I do not have strong feeling for him. I have never had an affair on anyone I have ever dated and I really do not want to but..............
God I wish I could just get over this but he has been a part of my life for almost 24 years. (sounds so corny to say it that way as it was just through letters, internet, and phone)

IMPUT PLEASE!!!!!!!!!

I think it will help to hear how others see this because my thoughts on this are very one sided.

Sorry this was so long but if your still here thanks for letting me vent! :-)

 
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Old 07-25-2002, 10:43 AM   #2
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columbia HB User
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Something are fate, and whatever is between you two seems to be fate. You keep being united and reunited over and over again, i hope you realize that. I dont know what your feelings are for your current boyfriend, but sometimes you meet your true love while your in another relationship. Or perhaps your current boyfriend is your true love, but seeing as how you and your pen pal are continously connected in truly fascinating ways strikes me rather odd---and I would interpret that as fate. (Not to sound corny---but geesh they're just too many coincidences!) And perhaps you two only develop a friendship or maybe a romantic one. But as i said for many people you find true love while your already committed to someone else---and those are just the twists of life. Follow your heart, and no man should ever force you to give up a friend, like you ex did. If it was purely a platonic relationship, you have all the right in the world to have as many male friends you want, and if your partner can't trust you then he's not worth your time.
Hope it all turns out well.

 
Old 07-25-2002, 11:43 AM   #3
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I agree I feel as though it is fate! I would go for it and meet him. He has been a part of your life for almost 24 years, sounds to me like you two are made for each other. I have been married for 9 years and about 6 months I met a male friend on-line while playing jeopardy. Over the past 6 months we have become really good friends. My husband knows all about him and is not jealous at all. Don't give up your friends.
In my situation I'm even friends with his wife now and she knows all about me and our family. They are a great couple and I enjoy talking with both of them.

Good Luck to you and follow your heart!!!

[This message has been edited by ChillinInLkMary (edited 07-25-2002).]

 
Old 07-25-2002, 12:35 PM   #4
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Thanks for answering my post, good points for me to consider!

 
Old 07-25-2002, 03:12 PM   #5
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Sherry, I'm no expert but, it sounds like you definitley have strong feelings for this person. The problem that I'm having is that I wonder if it is partly guilt for pushing him out of your life at your ex's request. If you don't go see this person, you will never know. And you will probably have resentment toward your current boyfriend in the long run. You should do what's in your heart. Is the boyfriend "Mr, Right" or "Mr. Right now"???? Think of it this way. If the "pen pal" were to say to you tomorrow, "I'm in a relationship. She is the one. We want to get married". Would you be crushed? Would you care? You only live once and you are very lucky to have all these men in your life that love/loved you. But, many people go through life picking people at random because they don't want to be alone. Not because they TRULY love these people. I'm not saying, "Yes, by all means! Go to Brazil and cheat on your boyfriend"! I'm saying that you need to figure out what your TRUE feelings are for this guy and whether you can go thru your life in the relationship you are currently in or whether the pen pal is the person you really want to be with. But, you should take the opportunity to go to Brazil, meet up with the guy and be willing to talk openly about whatever comes up. Just because you meet up with him does not mean you have to shack up with the guy or anything. You can be in control.

[This message has been edited by paddington (edited 08-18-2002).]

 
Old 07-25-2002, 07:26 PM   #6
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Angie E HB User
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If you don't go, you will always wonder...

Lets say you don't go and you end of marrying mr. 4 years. Down the line, the Italian guy shows up in your hometown...what then?

better now than later!

 
Old 07-27-2002, 09:00 AM   #7
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sherry70 HB User
Wink

Thanks for all the replies! To my suprise...your answers are not at all like I expected. I expected everyone to tell me not to go through with seeing him. Of course I like your answers much better! lol
P.S-I LMAO about not having to make it a f*** fest...did I imply or give the idea it was going to be or......maybe you read my mind?? haha (kidding)

 
Old 08-16-2002, 02:30 PM   #8
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Michael _aka_Sparky HB User
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Sherry70, You say you are only dating at this time? I say go for it. I get the feeling that you know a heck of a lot more about your pen pal than any one you've had a relationship with. I mean, 15-20 yrs of writting each other. WOW!!! That's cool, and a true commitment.
Enjoy your travels next June.
Sparky

 
Old 08-16-2002, 02:48 PM   #9
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Hi Sherry70,
Are you meeting him a year from now??? Why don't you just get it over and make plans to meet him now. I can't imagine being in limbo for another year because at this point it seems like you really cant mentally committ to anyone until you meet this guy. Are you scared of facing him?????

 
Old 08-16-2002, 05:49 PM   #10
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paramedik1 HB User
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I think maybelle has a point....either meet him now or the week you will be in Brazil, but for gods sakes meet him sometime....

 
Old 08-16-2002, 08:38 PM   #11
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This is sick and misleading. I don't care which man you choose, but if you run off and meet this man from Brazil, you need to drop the current relationship or tell him about it... These are two men with emotions, feelings, and a heart. Say you wonder off, and get wrapped up into the heat of the moment as most humans do, and have sex -- you may of procreated another life or ran the risk of putting you boyfriend back at home at risk for a number of diseases and infections, they run high in other countries. You can't help your feelings but you CAN help their feelings, stay where your at and wonder, or leave the relationship and take a chance in Brazil.
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Old 08-16-2002, 09:01 PM   #12
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I think that she needs to go NOW and not wait till next June, a year from now, because that just seems like mental torture and she has already said that she has strong feelings for him. Give the girl a break, she has resisted the temptation of seeing this guy for years and years, maybe already 10-20 years. Who knows, maybe it just might be a strong friendship or maybe it might be the love of her life. I think she deserves to go see him. I do agree that she should tell her current boyfriend the entire story and if he truely cares for her and loves her and they are meant to be then he will understand and wait for her.

 
Old 08-16-2002, 11:12 PM   #13
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Well it has been a few weeks since I first posted and I have been very thankful for all the great advise!

I went ahead and told my pen pal that I will be in the same country as him at the same time. I also explained my guilt and concerns about my current b/f to him and he is quite understanding. He said it is my choice to tell him or not and he will not pressure me in anyway. And if I choose not to tell him, he promises he will respect the fact that I am in another relationship and just be thankful to finally meet me person to person. I have to say that it might be easier said than done...no matter what he promises...and what I tell myself before I get there!

Truth is I love this guy to death and I have no doubt he feels the same! How the heck can that happen? Is that weird or sick?

Sad part of it all is that as for the affair I am in fear of having, I have realized I am already having the worse kind of affair possible-he controls my heart!

To answer some questions-

KC Lee-"If the "pen pal" were to say to you tomorrow, "I'm in a relationship. She is the one. We want to get married". Would you be crushed? Would you care?"
YES, I have often thought about the day this might happen, how I would handle it, etc. We have always been open with each other about our relationships we were currently involved in and we both promised to be honest but at the same time laughed about the jealousy we felt about it. I would be crushed if this happened!

maybelle-"Are you meeting him a year from now??? and Are you scared of facing him????"
YES, it will be in 10 months and as for doing it now, if you could see this from my point of view, after 24 years, I can hold on for 10 months. Especially cause I am a big believer in fate and I think that fate was that were are both going to be there at the same time, unfortunatly in June! I am not really scared of facing him. I am more afraid of the complications that might come with a very good meeting than one that just leaves us as friends. Mostly because we live so far apart. I guess I am more nervous than anything, I get a burning feeling in my stomach and big time flutters just talking on the phone..so what will it be like in person? It's still just a little overwhelming but it is also very exciting.

ADepressedGuy-Your right too! What I am considering is not fair nor is it easy, that is why I am posting here...for help. If it was easy I wouldn't bother everyone with my situation, I would just do it! :-)
I am not a tramp, at least I have never been one before so I am not going to have sex with him, then jump back in b/f's bed the day I get home. But I do understand what you're saying!

Hope this answers all your questions and you are all a great source of support!

LOL-I hope no one thinks I am off my rocker!

 
Old 08-17-2002, 12:58 AM   #14
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Sherry70,

I don't understand why you are afraid of it being a "very good meeting rather then one that leads to just a friendship"? Aren't you both not married or engaged? If it does work out and distance is the only problem- but that seems like a problem that can be worked out. Is there something else that is holding you back from your feelings for this guy?? Please do let me know. I know it sounds off the wall but do you have an inner gut feeling that you will fall madly inlove with this guy and then for some reason never be able to marry him???

 
Old 08-17-2002, 01:10 AM   #15
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Maybelle-Possibly---if he was to move here, would he be happy being so far from his family, his friends, he plays on an international sports team that Canada don't have a lot of, he is a teacher there..I don't think there is demand for Male Italian Elementary Teachers here. I guess I worry that he wouldn't be happy. I am so messed up over this! Thanks for being here! I appreciate it!

 
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