Setting myself up for an affair??? - Relationship Health Message Board

sherry70 · 07-25-2002, 10:45 AM

Hi everyone, I have never posted here before but I have been reading with interest for a long time now.
I am a 31 year old female and I don't really know where to begin to tell this story other than this...23 years ago, when I was 8 years old my elementary school introduced an international friendship program where we got a list of participating school children from all over the world who wanted a pen pal. The rule was that you could pick one pen pal. I picked a girl from Greece and we wrote back and forth for about 5 years and then it slowly faded off until we lost contact. What I didn't realize was that the same list was also given to other children to pick a name. I was chosen by a cute little 9 year old Italian boy desperatly trying to learn English. The years went by and we kept very close contact...sometimes receiving and sending up to 4 letters a week. To make a long story short...by the time we were older teenagers through till the age of about 24 the conversations became some what racey at times and as odd as this may sound we seemed to be developing a loving relationship for each other. We often laughed about how silly it was to be so crazy for someone you have never met. Soon after started dating a man and he was furious about my pen pal (although I told pen pal about my new relationship and he respected it and then our letters were only in a friendly nature) My new man insisted I end my contact with my pen pal and I reluctantly done so. I felt bad about it and worried it was the worse mistake I ever made. The relationship between the new man and I only lasted a few years, I wonder if I could not get over the resentment of him demanding I have no contact with my pen pal. One day 5 years after ending my friendship with my pen pal I was talking to a hometown friend on ICQ and I get this strange message saying "hello darling" in Italian. My heart stopped for what seemed like forever until I checked the user info and guess what!! It was him!! I appologized to my faithful childhood pen friend and he forgave me. Problem now begins....I have been in a relationship for the last 4 years but in those 4 years I have continued my pen pal relationship via mostly internet now and I am scared to tell my partner for fear that he will too insist I lose contact with my pen pal again. The weird thing is I have to go to Brazil for my work and I have not told my pen pal about this but last week he told me he would be going to Brazil in June of next year for a sport tournament. It is the same week that I will be there. We have never met and I am playing with the idea of telling him that I will be there also but I am not sure if things would only stay on a friendly terms. I am so confused as I feel if I don't meet him I will regret it but on the other hand I can not say that I do not have strong feeling for him. I have never had an affair on anyone I have ever dated and I really do not want to but..............
God I wish I could just get over this but he has been a part of my life for almost 24 years. (sounds so corny to say it that way as it was just through letters, internet, and phone)

IMPUT PLEASE!!!!!!!!!

I think it will help to hear how others see this because my thoughts on this are very one sided.

Sorry this was so long but if your still here thanks for letting me vent! :-)

columbia · 07-25-2002, 11:43 AM

Something are fate, and whatever is between you two seems to be fate. You keep being united and reunited over and over again, i hope you realize that. I dont know what your feelings are for your current boyfriend, but sometimes you meet your true love while your in another relationship. Or perhaps your current boyfriend is your true love, but seeing as how you and your pen pal are continously connected in truly fascinating ways strikes me rather odd---and I would interpret that as fate. (Not to sound corny---but geesh they're just too many coincidences!) And perhaps you two only develop a friendship or maybe a romantic one. But as i said for many people you find true love while your already committed to someone else---and those are just the twists of life. Follow your heart, and no man should ever force you to give up a friend, like you ex did. If it was purely a platonic relationship, you have all the right in the world to have as many male friends you want, and if your partner can't trust you then he's not worth your time.
Hope it all turns out well.

ChillinInLkMary · 07-25-2002, 12:43 PM

I agree I feel as though it is fate! I would go for it and meet him. He has been a part of your life for almost 24 years, sounds to me like you two are made for each other. I have been married for 9 years and about 6 months I met a male friend on-line while playing jeopardy. Over the past 6 months we have become really good friends. My husband knows all about him and is not jealous at all. Don't give up your friends.
In my situation I'm even friends with his wife now and she knows all about me and our family. They are a great couple and I enjoy talking with both of them.

Good Luck to you and follow your heart!!!

[This message has been edited by ChillinInLkMary (edited 07-25-2002).]

sherry70 · 07-25-2002, 01:35 PM

Thanks for answering my post, good points for me to consider!

KC Lee · 07-25-2002, 04:12 PM

Sherry, I'm no expert but, it sounds like you definitley have strong feelings for this person. The problem that I'm having is that I wonder if it is partly guilt for pushing him out of your life at your ex's request. If you don't go see this person, you will never know. And you will probably have resentment toward your current boyfriend in the long run. You should do what's in your heart. Is the boyfriend "Mr, Right" or "Mr. Right now"???? Think of it this way. If the "pen pal" were to say to you tomorrow, "I'm in a relationship. She is the one. We want to get married". Would you be crushed? Would you care? You only live once and you are very lucky to have all these men in your life that love/loved you. But, many people go through life picking people at random because they don't want to be alone. Not because they TRULY love these people. I'm not saying, "Yes, by all means! Go to Brazil and cheat on your boyfriend"! I'm saying that you need to figure out what your TRUE feelings are for this guy and whether you can go thru your life in the relationship you are currently in or whether the pen pal is the person you really want to be with. But, you should take the opportunity to go to Brazil, meet up with the guy and be willing to talk openly about whatever comes up. Just because you meet up with him does not mean you have to shack up with the guy or anything. You can be in control.

[This message has been edited by paddington (edited 08-18-2002).]