OK .. I'm new here .. been reading, and have a few questions.
What do you all think of married men looking, staring, and gawking at women? AND ... to make matters worse, my husband seems to stare at only YOUNG girls, between the ages of 15-25. He's 55, and I'm 50. This is a second marriage for both of us. We've been married 7 years .. and I AM 40 pounds overweight ... but have Lupus, cfs, fms, and more health issues going on that have contributed to the weight gain, and its' very hard to lose it now.
Wherever we go, whenever we're out somewhere, even at Walmart .. restaurants, whatever ... he'll seem to notice all the young girls ... and many times he'll seem to pick one out .. and look over and over and over, which is very disrespectful to me (I think), and even go out of his way to pretend he's looking at something else, just to get another look.
I admit that there are many reasons this bothers me, one ... I just don't believe that once you've found the women you love ... and have taken vows with, you NEED to continue to stare and gawk at women like he does... to me it says he's still looking .. and isn't really happy with who he has. I'm talking the WAY he does this, not just that he's a man ... and is looking.
Also, I think it bothers me because I've told him many many times that it bothers me the way he looks, and as often as he looks ... when I'd like to feel I'm THERE, and not invisible... and he CONTINUES to do this still.
AND ... there's a history of other things, that I'd rather not discuss yet .. until I see what ya'll have to say on just the part I've shared so far.
One time ... we were parked at a light, and there were people lined up on the streets of our small town to watch a parade ... there was this dark-haired foreign girl (about 24) sitting on the curb. She was thin, and wearing a low-cut blouse ... she WAS very pretty, BUT ... he looked about 10 times as we sat there, and then when we started up, he actually twisted his head to look back several times ... with ME sitting next to him in the car! I think that's VERY rude!
He will deny it of course ... and get VERY angry at me, when I get upset about it, and that even gets me ANGRIER!
Oh, and don't recommend that I do the same thing with men ... I just have not time for games .. I'm 50 years old, and really don't care about other men ... and besides I don't believe in doing that just to make him jealous ... it's not my way.
I do have to say ... there's been problems from day one with this man ... red flags I ignored when we were dating, and we moved way too fast into this relationship, moving in together and marriage. Gosh, you'd think I would have been smarter ... being older!
Sooo .. men? What do YOU think? Women? What do you think?
Can there be TOO much, and done in the wrong way? Do you agree it's disrespectful to the woman you're with?
Looking forward to replies.
[This message has been edited by dd50 (edited 10-20-2003).]
[This message has been edited by dd50 (edited 10-20-2003).]
Men look, that is a given. But your man should not "look" while he is with you....nope, that is disrespectful.
Yes the extent to which you descibe him is more than looking, it is leering. Leering at women is more like a desire to get their attention.
With "looking", they are just looking trying to be discreet.
Anyway that is my opinion from a womens perspective. I will be interested in what guys have to say.
2 daughters, 7 & 12
Suffer from allergies & other aliments
Quit smoking June 3 2003
Will be 39 in Feb.
Scared to turn 40
I agree that it is disrepectful. Obviously he's going to be attracted to other women just as you'll be attracted to other men. You can't just turn that off once you get married. But most people have enough common sense not to do with their spouse is around. I would confront your husband the next time you catch him staring at another woman. Tell him how it makes you feel. Ask him how he'd feel if you were staring at young good looking men. He may actually think you don't realize what he's doing. Tell him if he wants to stare at other women, at least have the decency to not do it in front of you.
"I would confront your husband the next time you catch him staring at another woman. Tell him how it makes you feel. Ask him how he'd feel if you were staring at young good looking men. He may actually think you don't realize what he's doing. Tell him if he wants to stare at other women, at least have the decency to not do it in front of you."
I've confronted him MANY, MANY times about this, in every way I can think of ... nicely with love, angrily because it ****** me off ... and crying with hurt. I tell you ... this man gets MAD at me ... no matter HOW I tell him! He gets mad because he says I'm imagining it more often than he's REALLY doing it. Sorry, that's just not true! I'm a intelligent mature 50 year old woman .. and I KNOW what I see!
I've asked him how he'd feel if I were doing the same, and he just says "Go for it" ... like he could care less!
I've also told him to do it without me around .... and NOT in front of me ... he just gets MAD again, denying that he's doing what I'm accusing him of. 'sigh'
Dee, I read Hoosier's response and you didn't tell us if it was a specific age group he was looking at that bothered you or if the general looking bothers you.
If it is the general looking, I am going against the tide here, maybe my husband and I are warped but it doesn't bother me too much if he looks at pretty girls, so do I. So do you - people just like to look at pretty things. I notice goodlooking guys, I also notice goodlooking girls, pretty cars, beautiful homes and anything that catches my eye.
We even joke about it, I will say "Look to your left, you are missing a real hottie", he does the same, we joke about it. I don't think he wants to go home with them, I think he does appreciate looking at pretty people, so do I.
I think the real bottom line here is that you don't feel very secure about yourself and what you mean to him. Looking at people doesn't mean he is going to find a prettier woman, pretty or great body is not everything. If he didn't want to be married to you, then he wouldn't. Right now I am middle aged, I look nothing like I did 30 years ago when we started dating, but neither does he!!!!!!! Sometimes I can get feeling a little down about how I look now, but I am much more interesting than I am beautiful and that takes me through the day. I have a lot to offer my husband that has nothing to do with how I look, it is not all my mind either, it is a combination of things that make you feel secure.
If his looking at girls makes you insecure, ask him to refrain. He may not know that it hurts your feelings to the extent that it appears to.
Like I said, my husband and I both look at pretty people, maybe we are warped but it doesn't seem to me that he is showing me any disrepect, only our natural instinct to look at pretty, pleasing things or people.
Well .. I guess I wanted to see others opinions on just the 'looking' issue alone ... but yes, there is more ... I just didn't want it to influence you on your response.
This man was 22 in the Navy when he met his first wife, actually his first real girlfriend... this 'girl' was just 14! He started writing to her, and fell in love with her through letters. When I asked him why he would be attracted to a 14 year old girl at the age of 22 .. he said she was nice, and had a really 'cute' figure! Of course she did ... she was 14! Geesh!
Anyway ... when he got out of the Navy, she was 16, they lived together until she was 18, then me married her. He told me it was cool for the first few years, and then she changed .. became very *****y and controlling. He said he fell out of love with her, and started cheating with various women in bars and hookers. He also cheated on her with a waitress she worked with (and her friend), and then came the ultimate sin .. he started having sex with their 16 year old babysitter! And he was 32!! The way I hear it from his ex-wife (who had no reason to lie now, since she's engaged) ... his wife found out when the neighbor called her at work to tell her that her daughter was crying and knocking on her door to come in and use the bathroom ... cause her dad wouldn't let her in ... and the door was locked .. and the babysitter was in there with him. Can you imagine? If that is true ... ugh! Of course, my husband denies that any of that story is true.
He finally left his wife ... and moved in with the sitter for 4 years, helping her raise her baby, which she had had during that year ... with her husband that she married in the meantime. OH BOY! I know .... this is for Jerry Springer!
Soooo.... the sitter finally started cheating on him, and fell in love with another ... she asked him to move out. He went from there ... dating mostly young girls ... and then settled down with a woman more near his age ... but still a 8 year difference... but she was a bartender who was married ... and he was having sex with her when he needed it.
He was finally getting sick of that arrangement, when ENTER ME! I met him through his sister at church. He wasn't attending, but she was ... and I was. I was bored with church activities .... and he was exciting.
He was in the pitcrew for his brother and nephews who raced cars ... and even though it was exciting then, little did I know how much TIME it would take away from me and our marriage. That's another story.
As for the 'girls' in his life .... when I met him, we took his daughter out for her birthday. We went to a bar for dancing ... she was 18. When he danced with her, a slow dance ... I nearly died! He was holding her REALLY close ... and had his head on her chest! He's short.. I give him that ... but still! He was leaning on her like a boyfriend would ... NOT a father!
It was sickening to me ... and I hated the whole time they were dancing! When I danced with him, he didn't even do that with me!
I've since inquired if anything ever happened between them ... and he says absolutely not ... his ex-wife says that there was a time that there was a suspicion, but it was proven false. Hmmm??
Something VERY important here! His dad molested his daughters (my husband's sisters) when they were quite young ... not sure how many daughters (there were 3), and for how long ... but still!!!
My husband said he saw him try to rape her once, and he just yelled at his dad to quit it ... he did, and my husband went back to watching cartoons.
I often wonder ... REALLY believe, that there's a link between his interest in girls ... and his dad's molesting them. His dad also molested other young girls too ... and tried to rape his daughter in law.
The problems we've been having in our marriage .... and that includes the 'looking', seems to be because he can't deal with a mature woman ... but instead needs a young girl that won't talk back .. agree with him ... and in general, be more passive. He's told me when he first met me ... that he avoided older woman his age because he never felt comfortable with them, or equal.
OK .. there you have the MORE information... gosh, probably TOO much ... but I thought it was all important.
Go for it ... let me know what you think NOW.
I agree, it's disrespectful for him to do it right in front of you. He should be careful, not that he really cares but the young women he is staring at so intently problably think he is some creepy pervert or something!
I am 21 & if I noticed a 50 or so year old guy starting at me as you described your husband does (gawking), no offence but I would be grossed out! If these girls notice, I am sure they are very uncomfortable. I hate when guys (of any age) do this, if I notice & it doesn't stop & I feel really uncomfortable - I will let him know!!
For example: A few weeks ago I went to the mall with my mother in-law & 2 year old daughter. We were sitting in the food court eating dinner & this guy a few tables down was noticably staring at us. It was so bad that I could seriously feel his eyes watching us!! When we were done, we got up to throw the trash away & leave. As I walked by his table I simply asked, "Didn't your mom ever tell you how rude it is to stare??" He looked a bit embarrassed to say the least, but I think I got my point across!
I don't really know what you can do to make your husband understand how it makes you feel, except for tell him - but it seems you already have!
Well ... it IS much more hurtful when he looks at the young girls ... especially teenagers! And also ... please read my post just above yours .. that will explain ALLOT.
You see ... I DO feel VERY insecure in his love. I may feel yucky about my own weight issue ... but I don't believe that would be anywhere NEAR the issue for me that it is .. if it weren't for his past, and the fact that he does it even though I tell him it bothers me. Ask him to refrain? LOL!! Don't mean to come across as laughting at your suggestion .. but he could care LESS that it bothers me! He gets MAD at me everytime I mention it! I can't even tell my own husband when something is hurting me ... cause he gets mad!
I agree that we all look at pretty things ... but I also see marriage a little different. I believe that a husband and wife need to learn to direct most of their 'love arrows' at their spouse ... and be careful how many they direct at stangers ... it's all a balance, and can get out of control very quickly, if you're not careful.
But that's neither here nor there anyway ... since it's the fact that it's mostly teenagers, he denies it, and he gets angry at me for telling him my true feelings.
As for him being with me, so not to worry that he's looking for somebody else ... well, we've been having loads of trouble lately ... and he tells me he's not in love with me anymore ... and his love for me has changed. Most of that is because he feels that I don't trust him (I wonder why) and that I find fault with him too often ... and incidently, what he means by that ... is ANYTHING that I talk to him about in love ... that is affecting us, or hurting me, or making me feel insecure. He just doesn't seem to be able to handle the REAL stuff in life ... the real issues of marriage and a relationship.
He's forever running to his brother's house when we argue ... and even stays overnight sometimes to avoid an argument (which of course is just 'discussing' a problem. To me he seems like he's never grown up, and needs his family to hide behind.
Just some more information,
[This message has been edited by dd50 (edited 10-20-2003).]
OH MAN ... do I WISH one of these girls (young women) WOULD say something like that to him!!! I'm praying someday they will!
Sadly, he's short ... cute ... and just really fun with 'other' girls ... young girls ... it's like he loves the attention of the teenagers ... and thinks they're so cool! And ... sadly to say.. many teenage girls and young women also think HE'S cute and fun and cool! UGH!
When he went to spend a week-end ALONE with his son and his new girlfriend ... she just loved him, and they went everywhere together .. I mean, he never spent anytime with his son alone ... she was always there. He went to see him because he doesn't see him very often ... he lives in another state ... and yet they never spent ANY time alone.
Also, at his brother's house (where he runs to all the time), there are 2-3 young girls there all the time, which are his nephew's girlfriends... and they're always helping the guys work on the race cars. He loves that they get down and dirty with the cars, and not afraid to work on them ... well, that's mostly because it's so cool and unique right now .... I remember when I was young too ... and everything was so cool ... you're with a race car driver ... working on his car .. you know?
I have a bad back ... and Lupus .. and just can't do what I use to do ... and besides, I'm 50 .. not dead by any means .. just not a teenager anymore. I do NOT go to his brother's house anymore ... one, because the men usually go to the garage ... and his sister-in-law is very rude and unfriendly. No matter HOW many times I've tried to be a friend ... I'm pretty much ignored there. It's all about HER and her family, friends and problems. I don't even think she's EVER asked about my sons! The other BIG reason I don't go there is because of the way they talk ... I mean mostly the nephews and his brother. Crude, rude and downright nasty! They talk VERY vulgar about women ... and it's discusting to me. I'm surprised the girls accept it, but they do. When I've told my husband why I won't go, he just says the more I go ... the more they'll learn that I don't like the language ... NOT TRUE! They could care less who is there ... or what you think! Once, while I was standing right next to my husband .. his nephew took his coffee right out of his hand ... "I" got ****** and told him to show a little more respect for his uncle ... and he said to me, ****, I don't care WHO he is ... the hell with respect!
That's a MILD case!
I know ... the plot thickens .. huh?
What really gets me angry is that NOBODY has EVER held this man responsible for what he's done! He had sex with the 16 year old babysitter, and her mother thought it was 'cute' that she could break up his marriage! He took his family's side over his first wife, and allowed his brother to kick her out of their home ... and did nothing! If only once ... a woman, or shall I say 'girl' would tell him to get his dirty eyes off her ... I'd jump for joy!
Please read the new posts I've left .... it will help explain more.
NO ... the 'looking' issue is an issue in itself. The bigger problems are all tied in with the looking and the apparent lack of respect for me ... to continue looking even though he knows it bothers me.
He isn't showing much respect by continueing to go to his brother's house so often either ... or what about while I had the 'flu from hell' about 4 weeks ago, and couldn't even get out of bed ... and he had this 'attitude' because he had to take care of me. He then proceeded to go to the 'final end of season race' with his family ... both Friday night and Saturday night and leave me alone. There was NOBODY else to help and he knew that! He promised to call at 8:00 that night to check on me ... and at 10:00 he still hadn't called! I had to call HIM ... can you imagine how THAT hurt? AND ... when I called, he was sitting right there next to the cell phone!