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Old 07-18-2001, 11:48 PM   #1
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Location: Pacifica, CA, USA
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crh25 HB User
Advice on husband

This is my first time on these boards. I'm looking for support since I am alone. My husband and I recently were married two months ago. Before we were married, I asked him specifically if he would go off a drug (called finasteride) which he has been taking for baldness before we decide to have children. He said he would since it meant a lot to me. Now that we are married, he has decided that he wants to continue taking this drug. All I know is what I have read on the Internet. If I were pregnant, I should not touch any of these pills (crushed) since they can affect a male fetus's genitalia. Also, I know that it can appear in breast milk, and he must wear condoms when we are together. My concern is this. I am 38 years old and he is 43. I think since I am getting older, I do not want to take any risks period. He feels that I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. I've showed him several documents and he still has an answer to everything. I have cried, and even asked him if his hair is more important than a healthy child. He says of course a healthy child is important and if something is wrong we will simply abort the child. I had a friend who was told she had a Down's Syndrome child and the test was wrong. The baby was normal. So to make a long story short, does anyone have any suggestions on what my next step should be. This really makes me sad, but I can't seem to convince him otherwise. I've also contacted the doctor who prescribes it and am waiting to hear from him, but he could be bias also. If anyone out there has any ideas, I'd greatly appreciate hearing from you. Thank you.

 
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Old 07-19-2001, 09:29 AM   #2
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eweejoe HB User
Re: Advice on husband

In my honest opinion your husband is being VERY selfish. A human life is not something you play russian roulette with. His idea of "we'll just abort it if it's not perfect since I'm too damn selfish to stop taking hair loss pills for a couple of years" is the most unbelievable, selfish thing I have ever heard. I wonder if your husband is aware that not all birth defects/problems can be seen with ultrasound or detected by testing.

I do not know anything about the pills themselves, but if there is a chance of birth defects, and you said you weren't willing to take ANY chances, then unless he quits taking them I would not have a child by him. Having a child is a huge deal and anything that the mother or father would do that would risk the health of the child that could be stopped is very, very selfish.

You asked for advice and I'll give you mine. Don't have a child with him. His hair seems to be more important than having a healthy child. Also, he is very willing to 'abort' if there is a problem, but does he have any idea the emotional and physical impact that will have on YOU? This man is NOT putting your feelings OR your potential child's feelings above his own vanity. Huge red flag!

Take Care!

Sherri.

 
Old 07-19-2001, 09:35 AM   #3
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marieS HB User
Re: Advice on husband

Wow, that really suck! I have not been in your situation, but I would suggest you also have him come to an appointment with you and your OB. I would give your OB a head up ahead of time and let them know you need for them to explain to your husband what he is dealing with. Not only that but I would also explain to your husband the effects an abortion has on your body! And even the fact that any abortion(even one done under the best of hands) can effect your ability to carry any later pregnancies. Most people do not know it can do that, but it can compromise your bodies natural abilities. You maight also consider contacting the manuf. of the drug he is taking. They must, upon request, supply you with information about any and all side effects(to you and him). I am really sorry you have to go through this, and I hope you can help him see the error of his ways.

 
Old 07-19-2001, 09:42 AM   #4
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whitewolf95 HB User
Re: Advice on husband

I have to agree wholeheartedly with Eweejoe. That is a huge red flag to consider not having kids with this man.
He is only thinking of his hair and that is scary that he would suggest you go through an abortion so flippitly.
It is good thatyougot in touch with his doctor. Dont be worried that his doctor will be baised because he will know how the drug works and will be honest especially if you talk about what you have been reading. Also it would be a good idea to have your gyno have a talk with you hubby.
But it also would be best to put off having kids and maybe(even though it is still early in the marriage) to look into couples counseling. A third party to listen to this situation maybe able to help your hubby see how this is effecting you.
But again hold off on trying for any babies for a while.

 
Old 07-20-2001, 07:12 AM   #5
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Location: CT USA
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Smile4uhun HB User
Re: Advice on husband

I agree with everyone else...this is selfish and VAIN on his behalf. If he is not willing to forgo his "hair growing" medication to ensure the safety of his child and the Mother of his child...then you probably shouldn't count on him being a very good Father. Having a child requires sacrifices...PERIOD. If he isn't willing to sacrifice this, what about the long term?

 
Old 07-20-2001, 10:17 AM   #6
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
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taylorn HB User
Re: Advice on husband

From what you've written, I'm wondering if the real question is does he wants to have a child at all. I'm thinking somewhere down the line he's developed some serious doubts and doesn't know how to tell you. Is he making any effort to make room for children in his life?

 
Old 07-25-2001, 12:02 AM   #7
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Shaelle HB User
Re: Advice on husband

Selfish, selfish, selfish men!!!!!!!!

I agree, I wouldn't want to add that extra chance of a birth defect. Wait for him to stop, or adopt!

 
Old 07-25-2001, 06:22 AM   #8
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dimples HB User
Re: Advice on husband

Your husband is unreal! I say take him on Sally or Maurry I think he needs to know that to the rest of the world it doesn't mattter how much hair he has it's his selfishness that is making him look bad!

 
Old 07-25-2001, 03:51 PM   #9
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Amy42601 HB User
Re: Advice on husband

It simply amazes me that your husband was all for going off his baldness treatment prior to your getting married, but now that you are married, he's refused. I have to agree with the rest of the people replying-your husband is a selfish jerk! It is horrible that he doesn't give a damn about having a healthy child, and it REALLY bothers me that he told you to just abort if there were something wrong with it! What a pig! If he were the one having a baby and something was "wrong" with it, and he wanted to abort, I guarantee you that he'd run a mile as soon as he realised what it entails and had seen the equipment used! He is not only being cruel to you, but being plain selfish! You can do a lot better than being stuck married to someone that cares more about appearance than you or any future children. Whatever you do, do not have a child with this man. God only knows what he'd suggest if the child didn't live up to his expectations!

Good luck.

--Amy

 
Old 07-26-2001, 02:51 AM   #10
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
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jackieb HB User
Re: Advice on husband

i agree with everything everyone has said and as much as i'd like to will not repeat that HE IS COMPLETELY SELFISH AND VAIN!!!!! if none of this advice works you could allways exchange his pills for aspirin ... but lets think rationally. see how he likes the thought of you being artificially inseminated (?spelling) he has to know how serious you are about wanting a child. with every idea you use to try to persuade him to change his mind that fails, your forced to take this to another level. be relentless and never give up. eventually he will cave in and realize how irresponsible he is being. if not i agree with others that you should not have a child with this man. you should also ask yourself the question of what kind of father is he going to be and what kind of father do you want for your child. remember you deserve a husband that will be good to you and your children. you should never settle for anything less.<p>[This message has been edited by jackieb (edited 07-26-2001).]

 
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