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Old 11-02-2010, 01:26 AM   #1
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My man viewing porn

Hi,

I desperately need some advice. A few days ago I caught my man buying 2 porn DVD's. He always promised me that he never ever looks at this stuff. I feel so betrayed but some how to a point I understand why. He has sexual urges, even though he loves me, there is a time when most are going to look at porn.

The question I have is: Did he or will he cheat on me? I want to trust him but if a man looks at porn would he cheat on his wife?

 
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Old 11-02-2010, 01:53 AM   #2
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Re: My man viewing porn

Quote:
The question I have is: Did he or will he cheat on me? I want to trust him but if a man looks at porn would he cheat on his wife?
If he is going to cheat on you, he will probably do so regardless of whether he has seen a couple of X-Rated movies.

 
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Old 11-02-2010, 02:16 AM   #3
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Re: My man viewing porn

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Originally Posted by amygdala View Post
If he is going to cheat on you, he will probably do so regardless of whether he has seen a couple of X-Rated movies.
Ok but what I want to know is does viewing porn lead to cheating?

 
Old 11-02-2010, 04:47 AM   #4
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Re: My man viewing porn

IMO viewing porn and cheating are two separate things and one does not lead to the other.

 
Old 11-02-2010, 05:19 AM   #5
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Re: My man viewing porn

It is very difficult to answer your questions.

In some cases, looking at porn may encourage a man to have sex outside of his marriage, but in most cases, porn is just additional fun for him. How would you know?

The real issue here is you feel betrayed because he had promised he wouldn't look, but now you know he is looking.

When you caught him buying the stuff, what did he say? Or doesn't he know that you know he bought it?

I guess that there is not much you can do here, save:

1. to look after yourself, remain healthy and fit and attractive, allow sex with him to remain one of the priorities in your life.

2. not to worry too much about porn; don't turn this into an issue; grant him the freedom to watch it; maybe he changed his mind about porn but is ashamed to admit this to you.

 
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Old 11-02-2010, 05:22 AM   #6
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Re: My man viewing porn

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Originally Posted by Light Angel View Post
Ok but what I want to know is does viewing porn lead to cheating?
The short answer - NO.

Just because a man looks at porn it does not mean he will cheat.

Men and women cheat for many reasons but blaming porn is just a cop-out in my little ole opinion.

Heck, some couples view it together. MY question for him is about honesty. Why did he not tell you that he was buying this stuff? Keeping secrets is never good in my opinion. Lying is even worse.

Discuss this with him - no yelling or accusing. Just tell him that you are concerned that viewing this stuff will damage your relationship and ASK HIM if he feels that this will lead to cheating.

You will likely be told that he did not want to upset you. Let him know that the dishonesty upsets you.

If him viewing porn is a 'deal breaker' for you, then you need to let him know that too and then allow him to say waht happens next.

 
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Old 11-02-2010, 05:22 AM   #7
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Re: My man viewing porn

I don't think your husband watching some porn is going to progress to him cheating. I mean, are there other issues in your relationship? Do y'all fight a lot? Is your relationship in the bedroom healthy?

I can only speak to my experience and those of close, close friends. We're all married, and all viewing porn does to any of us (male and female) is make us look that much more forward to some whoopie with our spouses

Why don't you watch it with him? Might make for a fun date night

 
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Old 11-02-2010, 07:05 AM   #8
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Re: My man viewing porn

Thanks guys,

When I confronted him about it, he admitted shamelessly and swore upon God that he wouldn't do it again. We never fight and if we argue we make up same time. We are still madly inlove after 13 years of being together.

I must admit that it was a turn to look at porn myself, so I look at porn for woman with him knowing about it of course It's just a revengeful phase, I don't look everyday maybe once in 2 weeks and this was only when I found out that he did it first.

 
Old 11-02-2010, 07:15 AM   #9
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Re: My man viewing porn

This is just my opinion, but studies have been done with college age men who were shown testimony of a victim of sexual assault and then they answered questions regarding how much they empathized and how sensitive they were to her ordeal. Then they were shown porn for a certain amount of hours, then they viewed another sexual assault victim. Their sensitivity and empathy to her went way down. Viewing porn had desensitized them to sexual assault and how damaging it can be, and after viewing the porn felt that sexual assault wasn't as bad as they thought it was before they viewed the porn.

It's clear porn does have a desensitizing effect, just like violent videogames desensitize kids to violence. Today's kids don't think violence is any big deal. They aren't shocked at all by things that would have horrified us as kids because they have become desensitized to it. Therefore, I think it does stand to reason that if you watch strangers going at it in all kinds of nasty ways, you will become desensitized to sex and what used to seem like taboo (like cheating on your spouse, for example) suddenly seems like no big deal. So I do think there is a change that porn can lead to your husband starting to feel that sex outside of your marriage is not as shocking or as horrible a no-no as he once thought it was.

BUT...that having been said, I think what you need to do is stay calm, don't freak out. Just sit down and have a talk with him. Tell him you understand he's a man and will want to look at this stuff from time to time, but that you're concerned it will lead to him thinking of sex in a less precious, special way, something reserved for marriage, and the porn will make it easier or more "ok" for him to stray, and ask him what he thinks about it. Just have a calm, open, honest discussion with him about it. That might ease your mind more than anything else.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 11-02-2010 at 07:16 AM.

 
Old 11-02-2010, 07:30 AM   #10
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Re: My man viewing porn

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Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
Therefore, I think it does stand to reason that if you watch strangers going at it in all kinds of nasty ways, you will become desensitized to sex and what used to seem like taboo (like cheating on your spouse, for example) suddenly seems like no big deal.
There is a large leap between watching porn and cheating on a spouse, and in my opinion, one has nothing to do with the other. Heck, if it did then just about every single guy I went to college with would be a cheater, because everyone watched porn to some extent.

I believe, in fact, exactly the opposite. I believe porn can bring a spark back to a relationship that's in need of one. My wife and I don't watch it on a routine basis, but we have a long-running tradition of when we go away together and stay in a hotel, we always order up a pay-per-view porn movie and I have to say, it's a lot of fun.

Sure, there's guys (and women) out there who have issues with cheating and casual sex, and maybe those types do like porn as well, but the latter does not lead to the former by any means.

 
Old 11-02-2010, 07:34 AM   #11
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Re: My man viewing porn

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Originally Posted by caberg View Post
There is a large leap between watching porn and cheating on a spouse, and in my opinion, one has nothing to do with the other.
I didn't say porn leads to cheating on your spouse. I said porn can have a desensitizing effect, that has been shown to make men less compassionate and less sensitive to victims of sexual assault, and perhaps porn CAN lead people to view traditionally taboo things as less taboo, that's all.

Light Angel, I think porn can put some spark back into a relationship IF both parties participate and are ok with it. The trouble here is, your husband hid it and lied to you about it and you seem to have a very low tolerance and disapproval of it. There's an issue of compatibility here, maybe some differing rules for life. That's what you should calmly discuss with your husband.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 11-02-2010 at 07:41 AM.

 
Old 11-02-2010, 11:06 AM   #12
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Re: My man viewing porn

Quote:
Originally Posted by Light Angel View Post
I must admit that it was a turn to look at porn myself, so I look at porn for woman with him knowing about it of course It's just a revengeful phase, I don't look everyday maybe once in 2 weeks and this was only when I found out that he did it first.
I'm confused. You are worried about him looking at porn yet you admit that you enjoy it too. But you can't have it both ways. If he isn't allowed then you should also not be looking at it, either. In other words, don't get mad at him for something that you are doing too.

You also asked whether it will lead to cheating. Does looking at it make you want to cheat? No? Then why would it make him cheat? You claim you're both still "madly in love" with each other, so why would you think he might cheat on you?

 
Old 11-02-2010, 07:41 PM   #13
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Re: My man viewing porn

I don't think it can lead to cheating, but there are some who swear that it does. How do you feel about looking at it with him? Has he asked you to watch with him or does he want to look at it without you? I used to think I would have a problem with it, but actually I wouldn't. If my man (if I had one, lol) wants to look at porn go ahead - and I would watch it, but not all the time - to me its gross and unentertaining. So, in answer to your question, I think its really hard to predict if a guy is more prone to cheating if he looks at porn. I think most guys do and I think its normal. If it starts to get excessive then there might be an issue.

 
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Old 11-03-2010, 12:47 AM   #14
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Re: My man viewing porn

Something that many people aren't aware of is that pornography as we're used to it is only one option. Porn is big business. It exploits its workers and requires the men to take loads of harmful drugs to keep up performance and the women to undergo dangerous surgeries. While women may watch it, it's made primarily to fulfill male fantasies. Actors in porn are treated as props and it is usually unfriendly to women, with abuse, rape, and degredation all being common themes. It's no surprise that a common reaction to porn from women who have not been conditioned all of their lives to view this idea of sex as normal is disgust, confusion and low self-esteem.

Erotica is harder to find, but a better alternative in my opinion. Erotica is filmed and produced on a smaller scale, has a better track record of treating its actors fairly, caters to a diverse range of tastes and employs a broader range of body types. Women are more likely to find something that appeals to them in erotica because it's more respectful and explorative in its themes (as opposed to the familiar porn tropes that only target men.) Erotica is not all flowers and rose petals - it runs the full range of fantasies. It can be raunchy and exciting. The difference is that erotica doesn't come with the toxic mental dump we've become accustomed to thinking as "just the way porn is."

Light Angel, if he's lied to you once he's probably going to do it again. If he's interested in porn and you're interested, why not try erotica? You might find what you're really looking for, without the crap that makes you feel bad. Honestly, that mainstream stuff isn't all that great for guys to watch either. It's like high fructose corn syrup - a little a day and 30 years later you wake up to find you've put on more baggage than you realized.

 
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Old 11-03-2010, 01:32 AM   #15
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Re: My man viewing porn

I do understand what Larrylou's mum is saying. I used to feel that sex between my husband and I were special although I must admit that it was boring. After watching porn we now look forward to our "date night" more often.

We still make love and it's still very special it's just that now there is spark or bond between us and the feeling is so exciting.

He knows I don't condone cheating at all and if he does than the only option is divorce, as much as we are enjoying each other, sex outside the marriage is a definitely a NO-GO -Zone.

 
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