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Old 11-04-2010, 11:28 PM   #1
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am I fooling myself?

I have been dating a guy for 13 months. He has been seperated for 5 years. He has 4 kid ages 11-22. He also has a grandchild. He has always made it clear that I will not meet his kids. He has his own home abt 3 blocks from his ex+kids.He spends any free time with me, we are in love. His ex has been asking him to come home (knowing he is in a relationship) I am the 1st woman he has loved since her. We are at a crossroads. He has always told me the truth whether I like it or not. Recently, she asked him to come home & he told her about me. It's all hitting the fan. He loves her (22years) but he does not want to go back.He feels obligated to her + the kids. He wants to be with me but he will not hurt her.Won't divorce unless she servrs him. He supports all of them financially as well as every other way.He feels as if he owes her. We are so happy together. I am with him anytime he does not have his kids.She will always win. She does not care that he is happy. He says he is not going anywhere, he wants to be with me. Yet, if she falls apart he will always be there to pick her up. We are happy 95% of the time. What do I do ?

 
Old 11-05-2010, 01:06 AM   #2
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Re: am I fooling myself?

Quote:
She will always win.
Quote:
if she falls apart he will always be there to pick her up.
The above two sentences tell it all. I seriously can't understand how you are 95% happy????? I would be miserable.

 
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Old 11-05-2010, 01:10 AM   #3
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Re: am I fooling myself?

The question to ask is "Do I want to be second in line after the ex?" That is what you are now, and I can't see any way that will change. And as for never meeting his kids, that is a pretty big indication of how important you are to him (not!). I am afraid it sounds like you are his buffer against being alone, and not permanent. You deserve to be the most important one in the relationship. Of course he will be saying nice things to you, it is better to keep you on side and amenable. I wouldn't put up with it.

 
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Old 11-05-2010, 05:13 AM   #4
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Re: am I fooling myself?

But the wife isn't even an ex yet. He's still married, won't divorce, still loves and takes care of his family ... and has you to add a little spark and excitement to his life.

Yes, you are fooling yourself. Don't you want a man who's available? He's told you point blank he will not divorce her. 'Nuf said.

 
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Old 11-05-2010, 06:08 AM   #5
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Re: am I fooling myself?

Wow, don't get me wrong, but it is all about your self-esteem, not really about this man. It seems that you don't love yourself enough. If you did, you wouldn't have stayed with him.

 
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Old 11-05-2010, 11:19 AM   #6
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Re: am I fooling myself?

you are 2nd best to her. why put up with it ? i wouldn't. i can't see you both been forever together. it will hurt but why be with someone whos heart clearly isn't with you and is with the ex. please leave him and find better. you deserve better than this.

 
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Old 11-05-2010, 01:59 PM   #7
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Re: am I fooling myself?

Whether you like it or not, you are the "other woman" in this situation. And as long as you continue to take what he is offering, you will continue to be the other woman. You claim he's brutally honest with you, but you really have no idea what he's doing with his wife and how he maintains his family life.

There is now way I would ever date a man for 13 months and not meet his children! By 13 months you have a very good idea of how you feel about each other and should be blending lives. I would also never continue a relationship with a man who could tell me he loves another woman - whether he wants to live with her or not!

 
Old 11-06-2010, 09:32 AM   #8
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Re: am I fooling myself?

His wife is his priority. He's made it clear you never will be. So what do you do? Well, what do you want to do? You have to work within the confines of what you honestly have. And what you honestly have, for all intents and purposes, is a married man whose first obligation is his wife, not even his ex wife, but his wife, and kids, one of whom is old enough to be on his/her own. So, if you want to continue to be his side dish, just having him there to have fun with and to love part time, if you're satisfied with that, then great, things can go on as they are forever. BUT...if you want marriage and kids of your own in your future, if you don't want to end up alone one day, then you have to plan accordingly, and live your life accordingly. And being a married man's part time squeeze, a man who already has a wife and family and who's made it clear he's never going to leave them, is simply not the way to get a husband and family of your own.

 
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