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Old 03-17-2011, 09:47 AM   #31
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Re: He cannot say I love you

I'm still not sure how being depressed about his job situation would make him less willing to tell you that he loves you. What does his job situation have to do with it? And besides, it's during hard times that people count their blessings and realize how grateful they are for what they have and for the people in their life who matter to them. If anything, instead of pushing you away, he should be bringing you closer during this time!

I'm not saying he doesn't care about you, I think he really does. But is it love? Probably not. If it's good enough for you to be with a guy who just cares about you, then stick around. But if your need to be loved and given affection (which is the most normal thing in the world!)Is not being met, then you gotta ask yourself how much longer you're willing to wait? You deserve to be loved, we all do. This guy is not doing that. I'm just sayin.

 
Old 03-17-2011, 09:58 AM   #32
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Re: He cannot say I love you

Quote:
About 6 months into the relationship, he confided in me that his childhood was somewhat difficult as his Mom left when he was only 11 and his Dad only told him twice in his life that he loved him. He admitted that it has affected him tremendously as it took him years before he was able to tell his own child those words.
This points towards it having nothing whatsoever to do with the depression. If it took him years to tell his own child he loved them, how long are you prepared to wait for him to say it to you?

Don't pin all your hopes on the depression being treated and him suddenly being able to tell you he loves you, I think you're in for a long long wait.

He either has really deep problems that are not going to be fixed without help from a professional, or he just doesn't feel it for you. Either way, again, you are in for a long wait.

As I said before you are going to have to either accept the way he is, with no expectations at all, or decide that you cannot live like this and find the strength to walk away. It's your decision, but you need to face the fact that this is how he is and the depression is not the cause.

 
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Old 03-19-2011, 09:57 AM   #33
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Re: He cannot say I love you

I seem to vaguely remember reading (a long time ago) that in order to love someone you first have to love yourself. Perhaps when you tell him you love him, he doesn't feel worthy of your love. So he can't reciprocate.

Working might help, even if it's below his skill level. For example, I knew someone who was a manager of one of the largest financial institutions in the U.S.. Once when he was between jobs, he went out and got some lawn mowing jobs. Working at something can give a person a sense of accomplishment and a measure of self respect. And there would be less time for him to feel depressed, sad, sorry for himself or whatever you choose to call it. Volunteer work is good too.

 
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Old 03-20-2011, 02:24 AM   #34
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Re: He cannot say I love you

sorry but this is my opinion. i find it quite silly really. if he loves you he should just say it, it is so simple. no matter what his past or depression i dont believe it for a second that it interferes with saying the words ''i love you'' . thats just my opinion.

 
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Old 03-20-2011, 04:47 AM   #35
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Re: He cannot say I love you

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Originally Posted by cryingforever View Post
sorry but this is my opinion. i find it quite silly really. if he loves you he should just say it, it is so simple. no matter what his past or depression i dont believe it for a second that it interferes with saying the words ''i love you'' . thats just my opinion.
I agree with this.

 
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Old 03-21-2011, 06:02 AM   #36
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Re: He cannot say I love you

I'm not trying to be confrontational at all, that's not my personality. But irregardless of the fact that my bf has yet to be able to say I love you (and/or perhaps not "there" yet), it seems that no one seems to understand just how badly depression can effect someone - and let me quickly add I am NOT making excuses for him.

I have read a ton about depression and how it effects moods, motivation, self worth, eating, sleeping, chronic pain, and the list goes on. I saw it first hand when I was a child and how my Dad went from a happy, proud man who spent time with me every day after work to a sullen, withdrawn shell of a Father who spent most days in front of a tv and would only have a conversation during commercials. And it was all due to him not feeling like he was worth anything any more because he could no longer provide (as he felt he should) for his family.

Ok, so my bf has not yet said those words to me. And yes, it does effect me (obviously). But we were on the road to a very meaningful relationship talking about the future. So on top of his background of having difficulty expressing his feelings, then this (the job sitch) happened. I guess I just don't understand how some cannot see that this does play a HUGE role in how men feel about themselves.

The poster John seemed to get it. If men (or, actually, any of us) do not feel good about themselves to the point of self loathing, how in the world are they ever going to feel love towards someone else? I saw enough good in him and we established enough of a solid foundation early on that this relationship *is* worth working on/saving which is why I'm here - not to question whether I should leave him but how I can better support him so we can make it through this. That's what this thread was all about.

I learned something very important from my parents, especially my Mom and that is unconditional love (and of course that wouldn't apply if there was any danger posed). She stood by my Dad through both the good and bad. Maybe it's old fashioned but I'm not willing to give up on something just because of the bad.

 
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Old 03-21-2011, 06:07 AM   #37
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Re: He cannot say I love you

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Originally Posted by JohnR41 View Post
I seem to vaguely remember reading (a long time ago) that in order to love someone you first have to love yourself. Perhaps when you tell him you love him, he doesn't feel worthy of your love. So he can't reciprocate.

p.s. That is exactly what he told me (and at least he is aware). He even feels uneasy most of the time when I pay him a complement (say, after he's rake the whole yard or cleaned the house after a full day of working on a job site at a side job). No matter what good he does, he hasn't felt he deserves a complement lately.

 
Old 03-21-2011, 06:44 AM   #38
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Re: He cannot say I love you

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Originally Posted by blue topaz View Post
I'm not trying to be confrontational at all, that's not my personality. But irregardless of the fact that my bf has yet to be able to say I love you (and/or perhaps not "there" yet), it seems that no one seems to understand just how badly depression can effect someone - and let me quickly add I am NOT making excuses for him.

I have read a ton about depression and how it effects moods, motivation, self worth, eating, sleeping, chronic pain, and the list goes on. I saw it first hand when I was a child and how my Dad went from a happy, proud man who spent time with me every day after work to a sullen, withdrawn shell of a Father who spent most days in front of a tv and would only have a conversation during commercials. And it was all due to him not feeling like he was worth anything any more because he could no longer provide (as he felt he should) for his family.

Ok, so my bf has not yet said those words to me. And yes, it does effect me (obviously). But we were on the road to a very meaningful relationship talking about the future. So on top of his background of having difficulty expressing his feelings, then this (the job sitch) happened. I guess I just don't understand how some cannot see that this does play a HUGE role in how men feel about themselves.

The poster John seemed to get it. If men (or, actually, any of us) do not feel good about themselves to the point of self loathing, how in the world are they ever going to feel love towards someone else? I saw enough good in him and we established enough of a solid foundation early on that this relationship *is* worth working on/saving which is why I'm here - not to question whether I should leave him but how I can better support him so we can make it through this. That's what this thread was all about.

I learned something very important from my parents, especially my Mom and that is unconditional love (and of course that wouldn't apply if there was any danger posed). She stood by my Dad through both the good and bad. Maybe it's old fashioned but I'm not willing to give up on something just because of the bad.
I surely am not entitled to speak for the other members on here, but I am sure we all know and "understand just how badly depression can affect someone," but we probably can't see the connection between his depression and his incapacity of saying those words (I love you).

Especially because (if I don't make a mistake here) his incapacity is older than his depression.

Last edited by pendulum; 03-21-2011 at 06:45 AM.

 
Old 03-21-2011, 07:18 AM   #39
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Re: He cannot say I love you

i know depression can cause alot of problems believe me i know i have had it severe for years , still have. but i agree that i just dont see a connection between depression and not able to say ''i love you''. it is such simple words to say, really easy if you feel love for someone naturally they want to express it. maybe hes not in love with you. because if he was he would say it.

Last edited by cryingforever; 03-21-2011 at 07:19 AM.

 
Old 03-21-2011, 07:23 AM   #40
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Re: He cannot say I love you

You say you understand what hes going through and that he can't express himself yet. From your latest reply you kinda made out that theres not really a problem, therefore you should be able to just get on with it and let him say it in his own time. Nothing you can say or do will make him say those words any quicker, he has todo it by himself.

Last edited by cryingforever; 03-21-2011 at 07:27 AM.

 
Old 03-21-2011, 07:29 AM   #41
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Re: He cannot say I love you

Either or, has anyone actually answered my question?

Sorry, but put yourself in my shoes. I came here seeking help, possibly even a little compassion, and not validation mind you. So I don't understand why everyone is so quick to point out the negative but kept missing the point that I obviously want to figure this out (and maybe trust that I see something that obviously others who don't know him/us cannot).

And, if you re-read what I just wrote, I even said that about him probably not loving me yet. I can accept that I got there faster than he did.

 
Old 03-21-2011, 07:35 AM   #42
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Re: He cannot say I love you

but theres only 2 options really isnt they? either accept it how it is and wait till he says it in time, or move on. which i know you don't want to do. we are a really understanding group but we just pointed out our opinions that we just dont see a link between depression and not saying ''i love you''. we have taken into account your points aswell. obviously you know your relationship better than us.

 
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Old 03-21-2011, 07:42 AM   #43
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Re: He cannot say I love you

But it's not just my opinion - or yours - it's a proven fact what depression can do. And granted it takes its toll on some more than others. Coupled with growing up without a Mom and with a Dad who never told his children how he felt, including loving them, apparently did not give him the tools needed that most of us take for granted and think it effortless in doing - including myself.

I admit that I struggle in the times I'm frustrated with the notion that it should be so easy. But I struggle because I'm emotionally involved and that it's personal and because I don't have these issues that he does.

I do agree there are only 2 options - stay or leave. Because I choose to stay, I'm back to the original question with the advice that I sought. How do I find more patience or learn to accept the current situation better. That's all I've ever wanted.

And believe me, I'm not viewing this through rosey glasses. I'm fully aware that if it doesn't improve at some point down the road, I will be faced with a decision then.

 
Old 03-21-2011, 08:09 AM   #44
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Re: He cannot say I love you

you can't ''find'' patience its just something we choose to do or not to do. it all depends on how you feel about it. do you think YOU need more time to be patient with him? or have you waited long enough? this patience thing is what only you can do. theres no other way. same with acceptance its how you feel what is acceptable to you or not. look, it all boils down to how YOU feel and what you want.

ok so if you decided to be more patient....how long would you give it?
could you accept never hearing those words? if he doesnt ever say them. do you FEEL inside like you could live with that?

only you can answer this.

some women would think so long as hes good to me and shows me kindness and the loving vibe then i'm cool with him not saying it. other women would definately want to hear those words aswell as the kindness etc...depends what kind of way you think about it.

Last edited by cryingforever; 03-21-2011 at 08:12 AM.

 
Old 03-21-2011, 08:23 AM   #45
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Re: He cannot say I love you

I guess I never thought of it that way - meaning, what you said that you can't find patience. On one hand, I have this endless amout of compassion for people who I think are good people to the core. But on the other, I'm a very impatient person in pretty much most aspects of my life. So it's a conflict. There are some days, weeks even, that go by and I am fine because of what I do get from him. The constant effort he shows as we still work out the normal kinks of living together. We were both "single" for a number of years after our respective serious relationships so there's the normal things that most people face. He is such a hard worker, so much fun, and just when I least expect it, he does something so sweet and I look in his eyes and I don't doubt there's something there, even if it's really buried. So it's a rollercoaster for sure.

As far as a timeline, since relationships as a whole are never black and white, I can't say for sure but I do know that I want to see how things unfold once he starts finally feeling good about himself. Then and only then can I fairly assess everything and be honest with what I can and should expect.

I appreciate that you took the time to go further with me with this conversation.

 
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