How long does MidLifeCrisis last in women? My story starts last Oct. when my wife got a big raise. It empowered her over me somewhat, and at the same time she lost weight and was looking super. Then by january I caught onto an Internet love affair by breaking into her social websites in which she uses a fake name and doesn't mention being married. I read what I never thought was possible and was crushed. Saving me was the fact that she broke it off the day before I found out and I thought she still had marital values. Through counseling I decided I would fight for her love and did everything great for her even surprising myself and won her back for 6 months with no arguments and great life going forward cautiosly. She stopped browsing and spent her time with me. Then she started up again in june, but it is her hobby to learn about rock bands and trade music with others on the Internet. I did not want her to resent me for disallowing this(previous post recommendation), so I ignored it. But that is her secret passion, to be involved with a long haired guitaist from a band, or maybe many, that I do not know. She does have 1000 friends, all of whom are rock bands with long hair and 100 or so individual people who just like the music as she does.
She got another great job offer in September 1000 miles away, but son was in last year of high school and we couldn't drag him out there so I stayed behind with him as I am retired. Plan is to move next May to be together. We see each other every 2 weeks for a few days but travel is expensive. Last weekend I was there for 3 days and she did not treat me right. She had scheduled 4 appointments for the weekend I was there. I had her cancel 2 of them and went with her to the others. I thought she would have wanted to spend the precious time with me. Seemed ok but something was amiss. We.ve been married almost 24 years and I know her very well.
Got home Monday and went through mail finding the phone bill. Noticed unusual numbers on her phone. Investigated and came up with 3 guys in rock bands, one of which was coming to her town on Wednesday. By using the Internet i found texts were really numerous on Mon thru wed so I figured out that he had gotten her a ticket to the show, hence she just had her hair and nails done, bought new outfits and new cosmetics on monday and tuesday.
She lied to me telling me she was going to bed early, which then through me into a panic attack or depression, and knew I had to talk to her to get me out of it. I did not mention what I knew, just that I was really down and needed her to lift me. I was afraid of getting worse and possibly suicidal but I made it through the night.
Next day I confronted her as she wouldnt answer my morning wake up call until 2 hours later, even turning off her phone after I made first call, ignoring me. So I texted her what I had found out and she admitted to lying and going to concert by herself but nothing else. Then she brought up divorce for me spying on her.
Will MLC end after a year, and will she still have desire to stray from marriage? All she is worried about is how old she looks(almost 50) is is doing everything to combat that instead of accepting it.
Should I put forth an ultimatum, not knowing if I can go through with it?
Can a 55 year old man overcome a 25+ year relationship and move on? ( we also have no friends and almost no family, I will be alone except for my adult kids, and I have no job)
Well, what have you done during your marriage to make her want to stay with you, make her continue to be attracted to you? You mention her raise and her feeling"empowered" over you. Then you say you don't have a job at all. Why?? No wonder you feel helpless at the thought of life without her, she's supporting you 100%! Perhaps you have to look beyond the thought that she's having a midlife crisis and that maybe you aren't being an equal player in your marriage? It's really not normal for a couple to split and one move a thousand miles away for almost a year, esp. for a marriage that's already struggling. It also sounds like you might be a teeny bit jealous that she's good looking, successful, maybe you're intimidated or ashamed or something. But instead of worrying and lamenting over it, maybe improve yourself and be a match for her.
That being said, if she is cheating on you, it's certainly not justified, and if she wants out of the marriage she has to just say so and not string you along.
thank you but maybe some more info is needed. I retired with a sizable pension and benefits and 401k after working 35 years at the same company while she was a housewife taking on jobs on and off for never more than a year at a time. When I retired it was her turn to have a career she always wanted, which she deserved, and by moving 1000 miles away she doubled her income(its her own LLC business of which I help a little) without benefits.
I also need to state that we are both in great health and good looking, phyically built like 20 somethings passing for 15 years younger than we actually are, and pretty much not slowed down by age. But she is more worried about every wrinkle than she is me! ex. we are not together but for every other weekend and she already told me all she wants for xmas is botox! All I want is to be able to have our family together for the holidays and spend time with her. She never asked for any gifts before and I always find the right things to shower her with.
We had our talk but instead of trying to trust my intuition, or believe her excuses, I decided to block this event from my mind and give her the chance to be open with me of which she says she will be cooperative. I believe that if 2 people want to love one another, they will mostly be open and honest and not pursue anything that they know will negatively affect their partner, going so far as to always think of their partner before doing anything, which is how I am.
I know it takes 2, and I must have some responibility in this, but perhaps this will shed more light on the subject.
Last edited by cz16w0; 11-06-2010 at 06:20 AM.
Reason: extra info
I wouldn't be so quick to assume it's a mid-life crisis. I'm just going to be blunt and brutally honest, here, it sounds like she may be outgrowing the relationship. She's providing for herself, pursuing her own dreams and professional goals, and maybe she just doesn't want the marriage anymore. I'm concerned with what you said about the appointments she had the weekend you came. You "had her cancel two," now, correct me if I'm wrong, but you put your foot down and insisted she cancel two and then you went with her on the other two appointments, and I'm guessing that was your idea as well? The thing is, you can force her to spend time with you, but you can't force her to WANT to spend time with you. So stop forcing her. She'll make time for you and spend time with you if she wants to. And if she doesn't want to, you can't make her.
It sort of sounds to me that, in your attempt to hang onto her and the marriage, you're smothering her. Showering her with gifts and presents, which aren't really gifts at all if you have an expectation that she must treat you in a certain way for giving them to her. A real gift is something you give totally for the other person, with no expectations of getting anything in return. Otherwise, it's not a gift, it's a bribe, intended to buy her love and affection, and that never works.
I think you need to stop spying on her, and you need to stop being so heavy handed. you need to get out there and get a life. Find some hobbies, make some friends, create a life that doesn't completely revolve around her. I'm willing to bet she's exhausted being responsible for all your moods and feelings. Saying you'd hurt yourself if she doesn't love you or give you enough attention, that's only going to drive her further away. As backwards as it may sound, the only hope you have of keeping this marriage is to stop making her the center of your entire universe and get a life of your own. Then you can be her equal, instead of someone she feels she always has to emotionally take care of and be responsible for.
The Following User Says Thank You to Larrylou'smom For This Useful Post: cz16w0 (11-06-2010)
I believe that if 2 people want to love one another, they will mostly be open and honest and not pursue anything that they know will negatively affect their partner, going so far as to always think of their partner before doing anything, which is how I am.
Yes, this is true, but from what you describe you want this but she doesn't. That's why she's lying and hiding things from you, because she's thinking of what she wants and isn't caring how it affects you.
You can choose to ignore what she's doing, but is that really going to make you feel better?
And I don't for one second believe it's a "mid life crisis". She just wants to have fun and not have you hassling her about it.
It is a midlife crisis because,
49 year old woman loses 40lbs, works out, has professional hair dressers dye hair black and starts getting manicures. Wears sexier clothing, Gets first tattoo, a rather large one and plans on more, gets piercings, starts liking the type of music she always hated, puts herself first, started drinking, previously only drank alcohol 2 times a year and hated beer, now its mostly beer but not excessively. But I will mention she never gone out drinking unless it was with me. And then theres the attitude swings, by that I mean they last for weeks instead of mood swings which last for hours.
I could add more which would cover the emotional side of things, but do you have a better definition of a mid life crisis?
Ok, so let's go along with it being a midlife crisis. Are you willing to stick around while she goes thru this so-called "crisis"? What if she never stops? And if she does, can you just forgive and more importantly forget all she has put you through?
I personally don't care what you call it, midlife crisis, bipolar, borderline personality, depression, bottom line is you are being mistreated and disregarded. I wouldn't stick around, but if you want to then it's up to you if you can just pretend none of it happened and pick up the marriage where she left it off.
she may just want to have fun for abit then come back to you. you maybe the back up if things go wrong for her. have you thought of that ? previous post is right crisis bipolar or whatever i wouldnt stand for that i would definately move on. can you move on ?
I definitely agree that it sounds a mid-life crisis (or more unlikely: the sudden onset of some mental disorder). It's got all the signs. But the problem with mid-life crises is that they come from a very deep unhappiness with where the person is in their life and they want OUT - or at least to change it dramatically. They've looked at their lives and are not happy with it. Period.
But they also know they can't just hop off like a carefree child, so she's trying to do both: keep you as her safety net, and still go have fun in her other new life. So she's going to try this new life on for a while and if it fits, she's gone. If it doesn't, she comes back.
A lot of couples can handle a mid-life crisis, but the problem with the life she's decided to try on is that it mostly likely involves having sex with 'rock stars', which could put her at risk for whatever STD might have (and rest assured, odds are they got 'em).
You have to decide if you want to take that risk with her while waiting for her to come to her senses (which she might not do) or start coming to terms with the end of your marriage...
you seem to be right on your point of veiw, but my story runs deeper. I know her all too well, and really, really really listened to her for the past year and got to understand her unhappiness with life and needing change. Her groupie persona has only been Internet based so far until last week, and I do not notice her attracting herself to anyone outside of this genre of people. I don't believe sex has entered into the picture yet, but know its only one or two steps away, hence me being very proactive on this.
But we had conversation/arguement over her recent activity and I let her know that I cannot go on with the behavior nor accept it and asked the her life should be an open book to me, as mine to hers, her computer open to me.
She agreed and the past few days I can tell she has been remorseful and very much more attentive to me, going back to her safety net. Probably has not even opened her computer. I seen this behavior before and know her.
I know that the cycle will start again, after a few months, and I believe next time I will tell her shes gone, but I do owe it to her to remind her so shes knows beforehand that I cannot tolerate this behavior.We will be together this weekend.
Being this is the second time I caught her doing something she should't have, I found out more about myself, that I was way stronger than the first time, and know I can think about life without her, put a positive spin on it, and even look forward to some of it. I am not fearful anymore, but I can also see great joy and happiness if we live our golden years together, so I am hanging on for now.
I emotionally recovered in 2-3 days instead of 2-3 months last time. Information and understanding is the key. As well as communication, but I still have to get her to break out of her shell, as I read all the different posts and learn from others, I can tell I amaze her about what I know about her feelings without her telling me, yet it is very hard for her to tell me her feelings, I think because of my past experiences of not listening enough.
it could be a mid life crisis, or it could be an affair....either way, she's stepping outside the bounds of marriage, and it's no excuse!
I agree with LLM, she may have outgrown the relationship. She may be keeping you as a safety net. But I think she doesn't respect you, she looks at you as a doormat and she wipes her feet on you. You don't stand up for yourself.....you welcome her back with open arms. It seems you don't respect yourself enough to put your foot down. She can't respect you if you don't respect yourself. I understand she may look good for her age, and can probably find a guy if she tries, but rock stars have their pick of groupies, and I would think most of them would pick 20-somethings instead of a middle aged married woman who is almost 50 years old. I think she's starting her groupie phase a little late in life and might not be as successful at it as a younger girl.
If she truely loves you she would not be treating you this way. There is no excuse.
She's treating you like this because you are letting her. There is no guarantee that she'll 'come to her senses' and come back to you. Even if she does it could be that it's just because you're her safety net.
She has no respect for you or your marriage.
You really need to let her know that you will not put up with her behaviour anymore. If she loves and respects you she'll stop. You can't force her to stop, she'll only try and hide it more.