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Old 11-15-2010, 01:31 PM   #1
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I'm sober and who cares

Sorry for the title but it has been a rough day. I got in yet ANOTHER fight with my wife yesterday. My wife is the master of telling me nothing is wrong and then WEEKS later will randomly explode on me. We went to marriage counseling and my wife did admit she does that and that she would work on that behavior, but I don't see much progress.

For some background information I am a recovering addict. I have been clean for 8 months, or I consider it clean. I have been on Suboxone that entire time and for the sake of this post I don't really want to get into the debate on whether or not you can be clean while on Suboxone. I think you can, and I take it exactly as prescribed, and haven't taken any pain pills in 8 months. I have been very proud of my progress and my wife tells me she is proud, but every couple of months she just explodes on me and brings up the entire drug ordeal all over again. I quit drinking over a year ago, and I quit smoking 14 months ago.

Maybe I am just expecting too much, i did put her through quite a bit, but when is it ever going to be enough? When can something I did just be about normal human mistakes and not possibly drug related? I just don't know if she is ever going to forgive me for my mistakes. She says she does and for a time I believe it, but then Sunday afternoon I buy our daughter a toy and she explodes on me, starting with the "I never listen" and then going right down to talking about how I used to do drugs. I am just screwed. I feel like I can't even stick up for myself because she holds all the cards, and she has such a bad temper and can hold a grudge for years. I can't say a thing when I come home and the house is trashed and the dishes are all piled up in the sink and dinner hasn't even been thought of, because I used to do drugs. And if I say something like "Honey i know you had 2 kids today, but did you get a chance to get to the store?" and she explodes on me and it goes right down the road to "i used to do drugs". And when my wife gets really mad she just leaves. Sometimes she takes the kids when she leaves, sometimes she doesn't. I never know which, or when or if she is coming back.

We have been going to church every Sunday to try and get any help we can, and to be honest church has helped us out quite a bit. We are now trying to go to Wednesday free couples therapy at the church. I found a marriage counselor for us and scheduled the whole thing and we went and then she doesnt really want to go back because it costs too much. Then she yells at me that I am not doing enough to be clean and to work on this relationship.

To me the worst hell imaginable is to not have my kids there with me every night, and to not be able to kiss their heads and tuck them into bed every night. I spend every second I can with my kids. Maybe I should just see the handwriting on the wall that she doesn't want to be with me anymore. I just can't imagine that she or the kids would have a better life without me, i just don't know what happened to our marriage.

So yes I am clean, but who cares. Sorry for the downer post.

 
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Old 11-15-2010, 03:07 PM   #2
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Re: I'm sober and who cares

First off congrats on your sobriety! 8 months is fantastic! I am sorry you are having trouble with your wife. I have always liked what Dr. Phil says about someone not being able to forgive until they know that the person who did them harm, really understands what that did to them. So my first question would be have you really and trully apologized to her for what you put her and the kids through? From the sound fo your email I am guessing yes but if not, that's a good place to start. I had a family member who was an addict and over the years out of the blue, she would apologize for something that she had done while addicted. I had already forgiven her but it was nice to know that she understood what she had done and as life happened and something reminder her of things she had done in the past, that she could give a heartfelt apology.

Basically when you've done that the ball is in her court to choose to forgive you. Not just forgive you for the moment which it sort of sounds like she is doing. Now on her side 8 months is not a long time and these things do take time.And if you can, try not to get defensive when she brings it up. You did screw up and have a lot to make up for. Be an open book and help her feel secure. Now that does not give her the excuse to bring it up every time you have a disagreement. Kind of like friends of ours, the husband had an affair 10 years ago and the wife still brings it up when they fight.


It's too bad she is giving up on counseling so soon and if you can maybe you can find a therapist who works on a sliding scale. In addition keep going to the church counseling as they can be a great resourse. Just talking it out is good and will help her. Since you didn't mention NA I'm not sure mentioning Narcanon is an option for her but they can also be a great resource.

The only other thing I can suggest is keep talking it out. If it doesn't get better, you will have to decide if it's worth a life sentence for what you did. Good luck and I hope things get better!

 
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Old 11-15-2010, 03:46 PM   #3
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Re: I'm sober and who cares

Congrats on the eight months! I am also on Suboxone so I agree that you are clean. Yes we messed up a lot but I know as addicts in recovery, we have worked our butts off to stay clean. You need all the support you can get and it sounds like you are not getting that. I know that my husband was very angry and hurt and he had every right to be but just like we have to let go of our guilt and shame to be able to stay sober, our loved ones need to learn to let go of the anger. My husband went to Alanon because we don't have Narcanon here and a drug is a drug but that helped him immensely because he could talk to ppl that could relate. I included him in every aspect of my recovery so he could at least try to understand. I even took him to a few NA meetings with me. I applaud you for your sobriety and clean time and I feel so sad that you don't have her support 100%. I hope soon she can learn to let go and heal with you. Linds

 
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Old 11-15-2010, 03:48 PM   #4
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Re: I'm sober and who cares

And btw, I care that you are sober!

 
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Old 11-15-2010, 04:04 PM   #5
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Re: I'm sober and who cares

And for what it's worth, I consider you to be "clean" as well. I was on suboxone for 5 months and I completely feel that I was clean and sober. I hope things work out on the relationship front. Keep up the good fight!

 
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Old 11-15-2010, 05:29 PM   #6
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Re: I'm sober and who cares

I'm sorry you are going thru this while trying to maintain sobriety. Its tough...i know...I left my X after a year sober..because I decided that I could not stay sober and stay with him. Regardless of all the reasons...that was the bottom line.
its not good for your kids to see any part of the chaos you and your wife go thru. I'm not trying to be hard on you...I heard my son who is 21 say yesterday to his friend...that his friend should break up with this girl that he fights with all the time BECAUSE he watched his mother and father fight his whole life....and how much it affected his life...and how now that we are split up we are both better off and that he and his brother WISH we had broken up years ago...HE said...they would have had better lives. I thought we were doing the right thing staying together for the kids and my X was like you, he didn't think he could live without LIVING WITH the kids. If you think abou that statement...from an outside prespective...it is a selfish thing to do to the kids. You are sober..but your life is still unmanageable. I comend you for quitting smoking..I have 5 years without a drink and I seem to struggle with quitting smoking.
You seem to not be able to do anything right for your wife...you walk on egg shells...the kids see and FEEL all of this. It sounds like your sobriety and your kids would be better off if the two of you split up. I did it at 1 year sobriety...it is VERY TOUGH...but the benefits that I have gotten and GIVEN to my children is the greatest gift of all. I wasn't sure at the time if it was the right thing to do...but it was leave him or drink again...and my life became more important...Honestly, if you love your kids as much as you say you do (AND I KNOW YOU DO)...I just want to give you something to think about....Are you really doing the BEST thing FOR THEM by staying in a hostile - unpredictable relationship? Kids need structure...peace and quiet and happiness. I tortured myself and my kids for 22 years....I'm telling you it is better on the other side.....its not easy getting there...but it is better.

 
Old 11-15-2010, 05:37 PM   #7
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Re: I'm sober and who cares

Oh and by the way....I care that you are sober..anyone who can beat not only one addiction BUT TWO....or any form of addiction is a STAR in my book.
Most people think, its easy, its a choice, bla, bla, bla....its not easy and it is not a choice. It is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life (IMO). And leaving your wife...is the 2nd hardest...but just like your sobriety..it sounds necessary and will help you all to be happier.

 
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Old 11-17-2010, 12:09 PM   #8
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Re: I'm sober and who cares

Lots of love. And just maybe it's not really about you. I know that I can get into a funk, walk around with a tude and even say something nasty to someone and later regret it. Cause deep down I know it's more about me than them. I'm not suggesting you say anything, cause you know in your heart if you are being the best u u can be. So maybe it's not about you. maybe you catch 'it' cause she knows you will forgive. You know how we all do our loved ones. "They'll understand" that's what we tell our selves and no it's never fair. Say a prayer and take it one day at a time.

 
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Old 11-18-2010, 06:32 AM   #9
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Re: I'm sober and who cares

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindsabins81 View Post
Congrats on the eight months! I am also on Suboxone so I agree that you are clean. Yes we messed up a lot but I know as addicts in recovery, we have worked our butts off to stay clean. You need all the support you can get and it sounds like you are not getting that. I know that my husband was very angry and hurt and he had every right to be but just like we have to let go of our guilt and shame to be able to stay sober, our loved ones need to learn to let go of the anger. My husband went to Alanon because we don't have Narcanon here and a drug is a drug but that helped him immensely because he could talk to ppl that could relate. I included him in every aspect of my recovery so he could at least try to understand. I even took him to a few NA meetings with me. I applaud you for your sobriety and clean time and I feel so sad that you don't have her support 100%. I hope soon she can learn to let go and heal with you. Linds
Thanks to everyone who responded, all help is appreciated. Just an update since our last fight my wife and I have been great. But that has been the pattern. I think she feels bad after our fights and then tries hard to be nice for a little while, but it only lasts so long. I know that I should be grateful for the good times and I am. But i also know that the next fight is just a comment or a bad day away. Maybe she has post partem depression, or depression. Of course the problem I have is that I can only tell you my side of the story, I'm sure she would tell a very different tale. I guess I just can't imagine how hurt she was at the lies, stealing, abusing drugs because I can only see it from my side. I was the one abusing the drugs. My wife just doesn't really have an addictive personality while I get addicted to everything I touch. She is one of those people that can take the pain medicine exactly as the doctor prescribed, and I don't think she really would get the same kind of high that I used to get even if she took more. Some people just seem very susceptible to addiction.

I know we shouldn't stay together just for the kids, and even at a young age they can sense the tension. But it isn't always there, my wife and I don't fight everyday. Having our 3rd child (unplanned but loved) then getting laid off a week later from my job really damaged our relationship I think. Our 3rd child (who is now 4 months old) still doesn't sleep through the night which also causes stress because of lack of sleep and the constant crying. Plus the fact that we were 4 months behind on our mortgage and almost wound up losing the house (we caught up) have all contributed to this situation.

Again thanks to everyone who responded, i truly appreciate the advise. I hope things stay good

 
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Old 11-18-2010, 08:15 AM   #10
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Re: I'm sober and who cares

Hi Sad,

I saw your post and can relate, from both your and your wife's perspective. Whatever I write is not to tear you down or blame you for having emotions, but just to encourage you that you CAN do what is needed for your family. I think it is about you stepping up to fully participate in real life. Why on earth would a husband ask the mother of his children why she couldn't get to the store? Why are you not calling her everyday on your way home, asking her what you can pick up for her?

You already took the huge step of dealing with your addiction and facing your past dishonesty and irresponsibility. You need to be more honest now, and face that you don't have a natural empathy or understanding of what others experience. And your children and wife need you to man-up. There is way more to addiction recovery than just being sober. Now you need to learn to think of others as much as you have dwelt on yourself. It is not easy whether we are sober or not. I think self-centeredness is the human condition. But relationships only work when one person steps up and learns true empathy. Yes the other person will follow if the empathy is real. It cannot be faked.

I've experienced a very similar situation and am separated from my self-occupied husband for the time being because I can't carry the weight of his self occupation and negativity. We aren't the only ones who are hurting from job loss, uncertainty, etc. Almost all of my friends whether they had a lot of money or a little, have had their lives turned upside down in this economy. Ones making $100,000 a year got left with the clothes on their backs and now have to live with relatives. Everyone of us have had to downsize and figure out what is needed and give the rest away if we even were given time to sort that out. Many friends had to give up their beloved pets, their homes, and husbands are traveling out of state just trying to find work. I really feel for the single parents. I don't know what they do.

I agree this is not 'about you', and, I also don't believe it is about your wife's forgiveness. You need to forgive yourself, and you need to stop taking your wife's emotions personally as if all she feels and experiences is about you and/or your sobriety. Yes she brings it up. But you can gently say "let's deal with the issue at hand, honey. What can I do to help you right now?" That is being clean and sober. Look at her experience right now. After all those years of self-absorption you need to build trust by showing in action that you can meet her immediate needs for understanding and presence of mind. YOU have to quit dwelling on your addiction and take charge and steer the conversation back to the immediate problem...gently. Remember who created this scenario...you (not to waste energy feeling sorry or beating yourself, but just to be realistic). You take charge and get your family back on track by being reliable, even under life's hard curve balls.

Taking your wife's emotions personally is a huge stress on her, and from a wife's perspective, I think you doing that is why she keeps bring up 'addiction'. Dwelling on oneself is typical addictive behavior. In fact, this economy, the job loss, etc. are not about you, either. It is hurting all of us, all over the world. I know it's hard to face, but once we do, then we can let go of what we cannot control and get back to what we can. We can only control our own attitudes in any given situation. We can be loving, understanding, supportive and giving, or we can dwell on ourselves ad nauseam, then blame other people and abandon them. Addiction is not known for creating a loving, understanding, supportive and giving atmosphere. Self-medicating is about escaping. To stop using is wonderful. Now the hard part is to learn to interact in a giving (not self-serving) manner. That doesn't come naturally to addicts. To sit and cry while holding your children may feel comforting to you, but it is scary to children and teaches them despondency rather than that they are all alive and OK, regardless that major things in your lives are changed

My husband also went through three major job losses, not knowing how we would get by, his identity as a man being in his job and felt depressed and useless, too. These are separate issues...so destroying your family with self-pity is just like staying on drugs. If you rely on your wife to get self-worth or to be a happy, hopeful person, who can she rely on? You need to get hold of your attitude for your children and your wife...first of all, for yourself. Addiction is complete self-centeredness. You did that to survive your own pain. Now that you are sober, the hardest work is looking through other people's eyes. Your kids need to learn they can survive and be happy with a little or a lot. Don't take this economy personally. We are all suffering. Even the rich don't know what to do to keep their businesses going, their people hired, etc. We are all in this together...your kids need a strong daddy, and for you to stop blaming your wife that she is upset and stressed. Not as an excuse, but females are much more hormonal than males. So treat her with understanding and don't take it personally as if no one cares. Be a man. She is experiencing the same stresses you experience, only she needs your manly protection, first from your own self-pity and penchant to hide, and secondly from her own inner ups and downs. Not that you can control what she feels. You just need to show understanding and also jump in and help.

Try to dwell on the fact that your wife has unmet needs, and you broke her trust by years of abandonment by going into yourself by using. Yes you escaped into drugs all of that time and were not really there for her or the kids (working to bring in money helps, but happy people can live in a shed on beans or rice and still be happy). Our own outlook depends on what we choose to dwell on. I hate to think you will do the work of stopping drugs then give up on being there for your wife and children, repairing the damage you did to them by years of by hiding yourself in drugs. They need you more than ever.

It's only been eight months. Give the family a chance to recover from your neglect.
(and, pay attention to the positive message of new beginnings you learn about at church. Take those messages personally and embrace a new hope. You have a bright future ahead of you...not in 'things' but in relationships).

Yes, you can do this.

Last edited by jillian4; 11-18-2010 at 08:34 AM.

 
Old 11-18-2010, 01:18 PM   #11
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Re: I'm sober and who cares

Quote:
Originally Posted by SadComputerGuy View Post
Our 3rd child (who is now 4 months old) still doesn't sleep through the night which also causes stress because of lack of sleep and the constant crying. Plus the fact that we were 4 months behind on our mortgage and almost wound up losing the house (we caught up) have all contributed to this situation.
Gosh, everything else aside, this is bound to create some stress and tension in the household. When just our one little boy has a stretch of not sleeping well, my wife and I find ourselves very short with one another, and one of us needs to leave the room sometimes to cool down.

Honestly, given all the extraneous circumstances in your lives, I don't see anything that unusual here. Your wife is great almost all the time, but snaps sometimes and acts mean towards you. Sure, that's not OK, but man it sounds like you guys got your hands full. I think you'd be hard pressed to find a couple that doesn't have some tension in the household, especially with young kids, employment and money problems. I don't think the *D* word is warranted just from what you've written.

I'm also willing to bet that your wife still harbors some resentment towards you for the lying, stealing, etc. that went on in the (recent) past related to your drug use. Yes, she needs to get over it, but most people can't just flip a switch and be 100% fine with the way someone hurt them in the past. Give her some time.

 
Old 11-19-2010, 06:43 AM   #12
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Re: I'm sober and who cares

Jill,

Good post. I read it several times, and went through a range of emotions when I read it. Is this your first post here on Health Boards? Very well written and there is a ton of great information in there. I hope you are doing well, and I hope your husband is able to deal with his own issues. I know I need to man-up to so speak, it is something I am struggling with and trying to find overcome. I think it was my inability to cope with life's stresses and my dwelling inside my own insecurities that brought me to drugs in the first place. I was trying to self-medicate and find some answer to my problems. Unfortunately all I found were more problems. Now I am left with the same insecurities and inability to cope with life's stresses, plus the additional stress of knowing the damage I caused by my lies and selfishness. But the difference is now I will overcome these issues the correct way.

It is very hard for a person with huge insecurities to just "man up". It is like telling someone who is majorly depressed to just "get over it". I know what type of person I would like to be: strong, confident, outgoing, the kind of person that other people just naturally gravitate to. I know I am trying to become that person. These boards give me the opportunity to open up my heart and soul, the anonymity of it all is very powerful. But it also means that the day to day person I am may be very different that what I write here. It is another form of therapy for me to write down my innermost thoughts.

I agree with you on not taking everything my wife says so personally. She should be able to vent without me immediately thinking she is mad at me specifically. I need to learn that not everything is about me. I have been so wrapped up in my own mind that I forget that things go on, in fact just about everything goes on and has nothing to do with me. I probably assume every time she gets angry that it IS about my previous addiction, and my words and actions probably steer it towards that topic even if she never intended to go there.

Thanks for the post. I am reading it again.

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Old 08-25-2011, 11:41 AM   #13
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Re: I'm sober and who cares

Hi SadComputerGuy

I haven't been online for a long time, sorry! and I requested a change of username JFYI.

I feel for you big time. I do empathize with your position believe me. I wrote 'be a man', and didn't say 'just man-up', and I don't think I said a change can be instantly achieved. Never said it is easy at all to change or to over come an upbringing where one didn't get the support one needs to be ahappy & confident person. I didn't get that at all, either. I can understand what probably led you down your path of self-medicating and trying to escape. But to leave that behind we have to give up the self-pity that keeps us there. We do need to practice giving up the self-incriminating self-talk. Others just can't fix it for us.

We could have long discussions about what got us in the murky waters, but I thought you wanted some quick help with your wife. Needing to change is downright humiliating in itself, for all of us. I do empathize with you, but if empathy for where you got yourself is what you were seeking, in my opinion it will not help you with your wife.

I think the negative effect a addictive personality had and has on a non-addicted spouse overwhelms their ability to trust you and be able to show the true love, respect and empathy they have in their hearts for the addicted loved one. By you taking resoponsibility for your own emotions and needs, you free your wife up to help shore up your confidence.

~ BY the way of an update, I didn't know if it would ever happen, but my husband did choose to take complete responsibility for his emotions and decisions and stopped blaming me, and said that he knows he needs to stay in a recovery program the rest of his life whether I am with him or not, and he does go every week. So I accepted him back, with him knowing he did have to continue to take responsibility for himself and his emotions and decisions.

It has been two months of almost complete peace in our home, which is perfectly acceptable to me! He and I are the same people with the same issues, but now he is owning his own issues and when needed we talk about the issues, and he is not blaming me for his own atitude, emotions, etc. We even have worked through a couple of sticky misunderstandings. It got loud, but we each still took responsibility for our own feelings and we got through it without accusing. This builds trust to be more open and honest about wants/needs/emotions/thoughts, and we are both giving up the unrealistic expectation that the other person can or should meet all of our needs, so we are getting along just fine.

I truly am happier with him now than I ever have been. and I can say he is a much happier and a more confident man already, because of his actions and decisions (not because of me). He is feeling better about himself because eh is seeing he can change and that it doe smake a positive difference. Yes he still has his insecurities he always had. But he is owning and facing those emotions, so he is functioning better and from that his confidence is naturally building. I am so very glad for him.

Because he is not in my face anymore it is easier for him to receive the encouragement from me that I always tried to give. I was originally with him because I think he is a great guy (not that I thught he was a perfect guy), and that is also the reason I took him back.

I believe that your wife thinks the same of you. Please try to dwell on this and give her reasons to relax and believe her judgement of you was right...that you are a great guy. Show her it's true.

 
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