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Old 12-04-2010, 09:07 AM   #1
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How do I get away from a sociopath boyfriend?

I recently broke up with my boyfriend who I now believe to be a sociopath. We were together almost a year as of New Years'. It was the most volatile year of my entire life, and I literally feel like I am someone completely different than I was a year ago. It felt like 5 years all packed into one.

The breakup is not going well as I can't get him to accept that this is over. The way I left was a bit dramatic because it had to be. I left in the middle of the night and called a cab to the airport and flew to my sister's where I knew I could be safe and have some peace.

I was wrong about the peace. For two weeks more he begged and pleaded and promised me a million different things. I knew not to believe these, as I've heard them all before and none of them were ever honored. He threatened to kill himself, which I half suspected was just another game he was playing, but didn't want to risk it as he does have a history of suicide attempts. I called his mother to explain that i was very worried about him, and that it may be a good idea to check up on him, but that him and I would no longer be speaking. She promised she wouldn't mention the phone call to him, and thanked me for letting her know. After this, I saw via his facebook wall (i know, this is getting so sound so immature and juvenile... but really, this is how he is) things that said "RIP" and "I heard what happened, I'll treasure the memories." etc. This did not make sense to me and I couldn't figure out what was worse- if it was true, or if it was some sick joke. I scrambled to figure out what was going on, contacting someone who wrote it, and also checking with his mother again to see if she had heard from him.
It turns out it was a joke, which he called to apologize for, while laughing.
After that, I cut off contact completely, and I thought it was finally over.

I don't know how it happens, but he started sending me messages and leaving me voicemails telling me how much he loved me and missed me, how terribly sorry he was and that he wishes we hadnt hurt me and how he wishes he had done things differently and how he's not going to give up on "us" and he's going to "wait" for me... and little by little I started to feel bad for him, and I would send short responses to these. Truth be told, I was/am simply worried about him. He needs help. I keep trying to remind myself that I can't give that to him, and that he probably doesn't even want it the way he says he does.

It is so hard to hear him say these things that I am struggling to see as a lie. He created an illusion of love that only I was standing in, and now that I'm out, I see the truth. But he can suck me in so easily with the pity and the worry and the just wanting to set the record straight. He wants to leave making me feel like the bad guy, and I'm not. I hate that I always had to take the blame for everything, when It's not my fault. That isn't to say that I did everything right... like I said, I turned into someone else too. He always would say "You're becoming what you hate" because I stooped to his level- to DEFEND myself, for my own survival. I know that isnt an excuse, but it is what it is.

Just the other day he told me how I opened so many parts of him that needed to be opened, and I also dulled many parts and he'll never forget me. And when I expressed my gratitude, he went on to say that he's been with someone else and he can still smell this girl on him, and it isn't me. And I got what I asked for etc... and THEN, he says "I'm sorry, i didn't sleep with anyone, i was just saying that so you would talk to me"

So many things he did and said make so much sense now, and still I can't get him out of my life. He keeps telling me that I should come visit him for New Years (our 1 year anniversary) and he'll make it such a great night and so on. And I have ignored him and ignored him, and still he will not leave me alone. His number is already blocked in my phone, but he just makes restricted calls, and can somehow still text message me. I feel as if he is watching me everywhere I go, even though we are hundreds of miles away from each other now.


This guy as pushed me, hit me, shoved me, yelled in my face, made me feel lower than dirt, told me how he'd always be there for me- and then ran away when i needed him most (I got pregnant with his baby three months ago and had an abortion, which, at the last minute, he decided not to be present for, and went out partying a day later while I was at home depressed, tired, and in pain) He has made me absolutely insane, and numb to human emotion.

I hate to make myself to be the victim, because I take responsibility that I did tolerate his behavior for so long. But I am trying not to now, and he is making it so so difficult. I feel trapped. I have even thought about changing my name.

Does anyone have any ideas as to what can I do??

 
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Old 12-04-2010, 09:22 AM   #2
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Re: How do I get away from a sociopath?

I forgot to mention that he is only 26 years old and already has 2 peace/restraining orders filed against him. I learned this recently when I investigated court records. It seems I'm not the only girlfriend who has come out feeling this way. He has a job which he works only about twice a week, and refuses to get another one, claiming "no one will hire me anyway". And he has been making excuse after excuse as to why he can't/won't go back to school. Every time we break up, he tells me how he's going to be enrolled in school again soon.

So many lies.

 
Old 12-04-2010, 06:18 PM   #3
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Re: How do I get away from a sociopath?

The only way to deal with a sociopath is to run as far away as you can go, completely disregard all phone calls, messages, letters, all contact must be eliminated. That means that even if he is able to leave you a message, you must not let him know you have received it by making absolutely no response.

As master manipulators, you must be aware that you may not be powerful enough to stand strong against him, thus the no response to anything he comes up with from now on.

I hate to say, but I lived my entire life with a sociopath for a sister. It took 50 years to figure this out, but the one an only way to deal with her was to eliminate her from my life. There is a great book called "The sociopath next door" which describes the whole process in detail, and the message it leaves the reader is that the only way to deal with a sociopath is to cut all communication off forever...

 
Old 12-04-2010, 07:03 PM   #4
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Re: How do I get away from a sociopath boyfriend?

he also sounds like he has BPD, borderline personality disorder. I had a BF like that for a year, and that was all I could take.....
he pulled the same stuff, they're very manipulative. you can't feel sorry for them, get mad because they're trying to manipulate you!
you have to shut the door completely, don't respond even in a short message, even in one call, one email....nothing.....
just one response, no matter how tiny will send them thinking they have a foot in the door again.....he is not your responsibility, you've warned his mother, let it be her problem

 
Old 12-04-2010, 07:30 PM   #5
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Re: How do I get away from a sociopath boyfriend?

I totally agree with and endorse the other comments. Do not even LOOK at his texts, erase them on sight. Never call back, screen all calls and don't open his messages. Don't get the guilts, you are feeding him his gratification. All he needs is to know he is making a difference in your life, and that will keep him going. No one can promise that he will give up any time soon, but make it as easy on yourself as you can. Remember, any response, even negative ones will feed this guy. Form a vacuum around yourself (as far as he is concerned), and never let him past it. Best of luck, Sera

 
Old 12-04-2010, 07:34 PM   #6
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Re: How do I get away from a sociopath boyfriend?

cut all contact i think is the answer , you are far away from him so theres one thing you can do which is change your number, or refuse any contact. dont answer phone, dont text back, letters? does he send them to where you are living? if so thats risky. he sounds obsessed with you and a wierdo. people like that can be dangerous. stay safe. don't ever give in to his manipulation/guilt tricks he is just saying it to get you back.

 
Old 12-05-2010, 10:37 AM   #7
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Re: How do I get away from a sociopath boyfriend?

Great job getting away! I wish more abused women would do what you did, leave in the middle of the night instead of thinking of excuses to stay.

Now, you are going to have to change your number. Yes, it's a pain, but I just did it and it's not as much of a hassle as you think. I just texted everyone I knew who I wanted to have my number and gave it to them, along with a request that they not give it out to anyone. It took seriously only about half an hour. So, yes, you can do it too.

If he's done this to other girls, then he's not as attached to you as he says he is. I bet he told those other girls that he couldn't live without them either! I've been with a manipulative guy and I found out that I'm not as "special" as he claimed because he said those same things to other girls. As soon as he finds his next target he'll be doing the same things to her. When you start thinking that you are responsible for his well-being, just remind yourself that he told someone else the same things.

Again, congrats on getting out and staying away. Just change your number and cut all contact and this will soon end.

 
Old 12-08-2010, 11:26 AM   #8
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Re: How do I get away from a sociopath boyfriend?

he is not a sociopath but he is a problem and all the advise you have been given applies.

good luck

 
Old 12-08-2010, 12:56 PM   #9
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Re: How do I get away from a sociopath?

Why do you keep talking to him? Cut him off and don't involve yourself in his drama anymore. You live farther away from him now, there's no reason why you should be having any interaction with him at all at this point.

Have you ever got the police involved? If not then you should! I can't understand why you didn't already file a restraining order a long time ago? Are you waiting until he physically harms you first? I wouldn't wait that long cause it will be too late then.

 
Old 12-08-2010, 02:19 PM   #10
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Re: How do I get away from a sociopath?

[QUOTE=Kszan Why do you keep talking to him? Cut him off and don't involve yourself in his drama anymore. You live farther away from him now, there's no reason why you should be having any interaction with him at all at this point.

very good point :-) ...no need for contact. contact is just allowing the dramas to happen

Last edited by cryingforever; 12-08-2010 at 02:20 PM.

 
Old 12-08-2010, 03:58 PM   #11
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Re: How do I get away from a sociopath boyfriend?

I have just broken up with a guy like that not that long ago, so manipulative! So many excuses for his strange behaviour, I couldnt get away from messages emails and phone calls, including voice mails. Told me he couldnt live without me and was going to kill himself. I tried to stop all contact, no messages, didnt answer the phone, didnt answer the door, it was not a way to live... I still live in fear that one day he will turn up and try and get me back but I just wanted to say, I feel your pain as your message sounded exactly like the ex Ive recently had.

 
Old 01-05-2011, 11:41 PM   #12
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Re: How do I get away from a sociopath boyfriend?

total sociopath

Your situation is mine verbatim, only i was never hit and he cheated on me while i was recovering from the abortion i had to get because he lied to me about getting a vasectomy. Honestly you just have to ignore and block everything. Don't even acknowledge you are getting the messages. Mine stopped contacting me about 7 months after we broke up. It sounds like a long wait but you have to out win his willpower. File an order to keep the peace if you feel he is genuinely dangerous. Otherwise just ignore and block it all, even his friends and family. It took me a while to feel safe but i know you will find that place when everything calms down. When you don't give him what he needs he will move on to another victim.

 
Old 01-06-2011, 12:37 PM   #13
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Re: How do I get away from a sociopath boyfriend?

Unfortunately, there are more actual sociopath's walking around than we would think. I believe the data says over 2 million in the US alone. While I agree, it is a word that is thrown around a lot, a true sociopath is a potentially dangerous person, and when in doubt, it is best to be safe.

 
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Old 03-23-2011, 09:33 PM   #14
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Re: How do I get away from a sociopath boyfriend?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ladylazarus View Post
total sociopath

Your situation is mine verbatim, only i was never hit and he cheated on me while i was recovering from the abortion i had to get because he lied to me about getting a vasectomy. Honestly you just have to ignore and block everything. Don't even acknowledge you are getting the messages. Mine stopped contacting me about 7 months after we broke up. It sounds like a long wait but you have to out win his willpower. File an order to keep the peace if you feel he is genuinely dangerous. Otherwise just ignore and block it all, even his friends and family. It took me a while to feel safe but i know you will find that place when everything calms down. When you don't give him what he needs he will move on to another victim.
It's actually not that simple. Things don't always calm down. I'm dealing with the same problem. I have ignored and blocked him numerous times under different email and messenger names, I have ignored every attempt of his to contact me, and, yet, it's been 3 years and dozens of victims later, and he continues to contact me. I don't get it, I'm just hoping that at some point he'll quit it and leave me be.

Sorry that I can't be of more help, but I, honestly, don't know what to do, but I am in the same situation, so I get what you're going through.

 
Old 04-10-2011, 02:19 PM   #15
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Re: How do I get away from a sociopath boyfriend?

I feel for you and your story. Right now, take care of yourself; that recovery, physical is crucial, then get in counseling. I know. It's been 7 months since a sociopath, having moved to another state with no word after promising the moon, came to see me, having said he'd give an explanation. He did not. More lies and evasion. No remorse, no conscience. They are sick, sick, sick, some even psychopathic or having dissociative identity disorder. When you get in counselling for yourself; try to understand the attraction and what personality patterns in yourself (cognitive behavioral or schema), allowed you to be hooked into his persona. Remember, sociopaths with no remorse have no core personality, cannot love, so what we expect as reciprocation in a relationship from them they can never give; and the only satisfaction they get is the power they have with their deception over our ignorance (remember Eve?) Some are definitely satanically controlled although they might pretend to know about God. You are dealing with a very dangerous individual; you will be enpowered to have no contact, be indifferent and stay out of his life; draw boundaries; they willl play on your ignorance of their disorder, they will hide and then strike again. I feel for the next victim, I really do; there should be a private database in every state so women can post the name of the sociopath who "loved" her. I do hope you take care of yourself; Best regards to all recovering escapees from sociopath's grip. R.A.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 04-10-2011 at 08:41 PM. Reason: Unnecessary quote removed.

 
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