please read i know it is long but i am really struggling to understand:
my ex of 4 years left me for someone else 2 months ago and i am still very much depressed and making myself ill with obsessive thoughts about the two of them together.
some back story he is my first love we was together for 2 years and it was great but he dumped me and told me he didn't want to be with me anymore because of a lack of trust he never trusted me and always made me out to be slutty and was insecure with me talking to other guys so i cut off all my guys friends. i was heartbroken when he broke up with me and he would still contact me now and again saying things to confuse me and i told him we couldn't be friends because i was very much in love with him and didn't want the break up 9 months passed and i was finally getting to a place where i could accept the break up and let him go all the while wishing he would come back i knew he had made a mistake i never stopped loving him.
he came back into my life well forced himself really showing up at my work place and at my house calling me and telling me he would never find anyone like me and that if we was to get back together it would be all or nothing and there would be no more breaking up as it hurt us both too much. i told him how much he hurt me and a part of me hated him for it but i realised how much i loved him and wanted it to be all or nothing.. we started taking things very slow seeing each other now and again speaking on the phone like we was dating again then it became more physical and we were back 'together' however he kept telling me he wasn't ready for a relationship but that i was the only girl for him he talked about marriage i kept questioning his intentions and questioning why we weren't together i came to the conclusion i was more than a girlfriend to him and he wasn't ready to make it official. although this was stupid of me and i was really in denial i loved him so much.
he began doing things that would upset me like flirting with acquaintances from our past college, he was a bit of a flirt it was not the first time he had flirted with a friend of mine to make me jealous. i guess i thought it showed how much he cared in my eyes he wanted my attention and wanted me to get upset because he needed to know i cared. that was my stupid way of looking at it anyway. i did get very upset and we argued about it he always justified it so well that it wasn't him it was the girl but then he would still go and see her and be friends with her when he knew i didn't like it. he constantly craved attention and he would always want me to boost his ego he made out like he was the best at his job and he wanted me to praise him as he is an only child and his parents are not loving and fight and argue all the time. i tried so hard to make him happy i tried everything i tried arguing with him and shouting at him because i didn't want him to loose respect for me when he flirted with other girls and went out of his way for them. i tired being nice putting my feelings aside to support and listen to him but he would never go out of his way for me and i was jealous.
i guess i thought of us like family i was very close to his mum and he with mine. he brought me to his house occasionally and i was very much involved in his personal life. but to him it was like it didn't matter. my ex was always emotionally abusive to me but i saw it more out of love..i know it is very warped thinking i am only now trying to understand why i think the way i do. the abuse got very bad coming up the last couple of months we was together. he never showed up for anything i could never call him or ask to see him it would always be on his terms as he was 'so busy' he treated me badly when he'd see me he would criticise the clothes i wear the way i did my hair the nail polish i wore even down to the way i smelled. he would say things like 'your perfume is making me feel sick and push me away' he knew i wanted to be close to him and he would only sleep with me when he wanted to and it was always his way. i felt very cheap afterwards. he would disappear for weeks and then suddenly i would get a text telling me he was coming to see me and he would ring my phone over and over until i picked up.
he wouldn't want to see me on his own he would always bring his best mate this guy who is the most rude and irritating guy and when they would get together they would take the mick out of me and talk about other girls to wind me up until i would get close to tears and would get so angry only for them to tell me they was joking and to not take anything they say to heart. my ex always said everything was a joke after he'd cuss me and tell me i was nothing. all my accomplishments were seen as nothing he never praised me he never apologised he was physically abusive to me on two occasions and what was most confusing about them both times was that i hadn't even done anything to make him angry he was the one who had done something wrong!
he told me he would never do anything like that again and promised it was just a mistake its my fault for believing him i really thought he loved me somewhere deep down. how could i get it so wrong?
his treatment towards me got worse i would wait around for a few crumbs of affection and be so happy little did i know he was already seeing someone else he began talking to this girl a friend of one of his best mates during my birthday month i had a lot of health problems that he knew about and he was still sleeping with me still seeing me on the odd occasion. he slept me with me and went out to a club with this girl the same night i soon found out after. he didn't show up to my birthday even though he promised he would and waited until the last minute to cancel i was so upset but he promised he'd make it up to me he was exhausted from a week long trip away for studies. which i found out he spent most of the time there clubbing and talking to this girl. i finally found out through some detective work he was seeing this girl and i confronted him i was VERY angry i cussed him on the phone and cussed the girl which i kind of regret now i was just so unbelievably hurt and he didn't have an ounce of care in his voice he actually said it was none of my business and that he can see whoever he wants! i was crying and he told me he 'didn't want my tears here'? he only called me to find out how i had found out the truth. he was very mean and cold on the phone it ended with me saying i will never speak to him again of which he didn't seem to mind.
this was 2 months ago since then i have been away i have cried i have joined a gym (of which i don't go to)
iam very depressed and i can't seem to let him go even though he treated me so badly i texted him a month ago asking him why he treated me so badly and wished him good luck in the future of which he didn't even reply. he will never speak to me again and i know i should be thankful but i still love him and it hurts to see him treating this girl so wonderful thats all i ever wanted how quickly he committed to her and i tried so hard to be everything he wanted and more and it just wasn't enough. how can he just move on and forget about me while my heart is crushed and my confidence shattered. he didn't want to make it easy for me he never wanted to give me closure and he didn't even text me back wishing me happiness although i was very rude to him the last time we spoke i really bruised his ego. but i never said anything that was untrue. will i ever get over this and accept he's gone forever. how am i meant to let him go when he's the only guy ive ever loved?! why did he treat me so badly and then treat her so well is it only a matter of time before he shows his true colours? ps. his mother warned me about him a few months ago but i didn't want to believe her. i thought she was just upset with the way his dad was treating her. is she right? will he change he's still young in his 20's but he doesn't seem to think he is wrong. he doesn't even care he broke my heart twice the first time was so unbearable and now im going through this i just can't bear it anymore. the sick thing about all of this is i miss him terribly.