I have been with my boyfriend almost 1 year. Overall, I have noticed he is very selfish. I love him to death, but his priorities always seem like number one. If things don't go his way, he throws a little temper tantrum and gets angry at everyone around him, saying things like "this is unacceptable", wanting results asap and treating others with disrespect verbally. He becomes nice and apologizes once things are settled his way. He has never taken his anger out physically, but if you try to say even the slightest of comforting words to him when he's in his anger zone, he'll say things like "shut up" "stop talking" or walk away and slam door, even stomp around the house like a child sometimes. Later, he will apologize, saying he was just upset and just not to bother him when he gets like that. This doesn't happen all the time, but just when things don't go the way he expects.
If something for him needs to get done, he will work on the issue for hours or days until he has his answer or accomplishment immediately. I love that he is motivated, but more than recently, I feel like I am in the background and that this "motivation" is maybe something else. His motivation and passion for things was what made me initially fall for him and the fact that he is by no means lazy at all - but now it just seems as if he never relaxes with me. When he comes home from work, I get a simple kiss, hug...then he is off to take a shower, watch HIS tv shows and go to bed. Sex has also decreased to only a few times a month. He will watch porn on his phone and go into the bathroom claiming he is going to the bathroom (I know what he is really doing), but he rarely wants to have sex with me. I do admit, sex IS something I can do without for long periods. But when he would rather masturbate to his phone instead of trying with me, I feel more shot down.
A major example of his selfishness - is: I am not one to go to the Dr. It took me a lot of courage to finally see a Dr the past few days (and my bf was the one always recommending it claiming he was worried abour my health). I never go to see a health professional unless it is absolutely necessary and have never been on any prescription drugs my entire life. Lately, because I have had an ongoing-potentially serious problem I finally gave in and went to get various tests done with no success on finding out what was wrong. Finally my Dr. called telling me they got my blood work back and to come in asap.
My boyfriend informed me that he was getting off work early a few hours before my Dr called because he only had one appointment booked at his work. All of a sudden, things came up and he was too busy when I told him I had to go back in for the final results (this was right after he said he was getting off early and already at home). This has been a persistent medical problem the past week and when I am finally getting results, my bf informs me he is now Not getting off work early. He said this morning he would try and when *I* text him he called right afterwards and said he now couldn't. I cried because I was disappointed, not mad -- and he just said "great, now you're making *ME* feel bad. Things came up, *I* have had a crazy day, Whatever" and hung up on me.
Maybe I somewhat expect my boyfriend to care, but I am lucky if I get an "are you okay?" Once I answer the question, that's it. I don't feel consoled and I feel alone. It's always I, I or me, me. I am not one to go around and seek attention. That's just not me. I don't blame him for not getting off work, but part of me just resents him over not even trying. I know if my father or mother were here (even some of my past boyfriends) they would have done everything possible in their power to be there for me and I would have done the same out of concern. My boyfriend doesn't even try.
If it were an issue of his, he would make sure he had the time to do it.
I don't ask a lot of my boyfriend. I don't nag him. For the most part, I mind my own business. I am a very quiet and shy individual, and appreciative of others' help. It's hard for me to ask others for help and when I am shot down like this, I feel helpless. I go in for my appointment today - without my boyfriend. His father was kind enough to go with me, but it's just not the same.
I'm just venting and not sure how to really approach this situation.
Your boyfriend sounds very immature in that if he doesn't get his way, he acts like a little kid. The question you have to ask yourself is this the type of person you want to be with? Is he satisfying your basic needs?
Sometimes you have to break down your relationship down to the basics. Is your partner there in times of need? Do you want loving affection? Do you want your partner to treat you with respect? Do you want to be in a relationship where you are walking on eggshells hoping that your partner doesn't get into a hissy fit every time something doesn't go their way?
I hope you see where I'm going with this.
A year isn't a long time to make a lifetime commitment BUT if you are truly happy with him and this is only something minor, have you had a talk with him about his behavior or your concerns? Have you communicated some of your needs? People are not mind readers so they need some help in understanding their partner.
I have to agree with cryingforever though that it appears that this is his personality and that his behavior isn't likely going to change. You can definitely find someone who is a better fit. It's difficult but it's during these times that we learn the most about ourselves.
ask yourself this.....by staying what will i gain? by leaving what will i lose? make yourself priority. one life live it and live it with these 3 special words LOVE,PEACE,JOY. with him your just wasting away and missing opportunitys to meet someone who wants love,peace and joy aswell not (in your boyfriends case) 'me, myself, and i'.
Well, there are only so many ways you CAN approach this situation. You can't make him be someone or something he's not. So, you either need to learn how to do without emotional support, which I DO NOT recommend, or you need to find someone more suited to what you really want and need in a partner. Do you see a long term future with this guy as he is? If not, then you need to seriously consider the wisdom of pursuing this any further. It's a mistake to love someone for who you hope they'll be someday.
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You are in a very unhealthy relationship and you are seeking validation, that you are in such a realtionship. You really don't need anyone to validate the truth of what you feel-you just need to make the decision to either stay and stay sick or move on and be sick for a little while because you left a relationship with someone that you love and that in some way you feel you can save. Most of the times we know what we should do but we allow our 'treacherous and desperate hearts' (Jeremiah 17:9) to rationalize and find the reasons why we should stay in a situation under very unhealthy circumstances. Please keep in mind that the 'heart' being spoken of in the particular scripture refers to the figurative heart that is the center of humans where lies their hopes, fantasies, goals, imaginations, love, joy and so on which is the seat of motivation that drives such qualities. My advice is to you is to use the 'spirit of a sound mind' and not listen to the lethal combination of your untrained heart or some ridiculous romantic with a philosopy that is likewise ridiclous. I wish the best for you. I am 45 years old and I have experienced the same heartache you are experiencing now, until I got tired of being sick and tired. May you come to this and realize that you are worth more than you at present think you are.
Thanks so much for everyone's replies. This really was an eye opener for me and I have to make a decision. Before reading all of this, my bf and I had a long talk after another argument. We are driving 3 hours away to see my parents this New Years. We were discussing the plans the other day and He doesn't like where my mother lives and told me my mother should move because HE hates the parking situation. I calmly asked him to please drop the issue as I couldn't deal with anymore holiday stress and cannot control where my mother lives (we had the same argument months ago). He went on to talk about how expensive his vehicle was and he didn't like where she lived and couldn't understand why anyone would live so poorly...my mother cannot afford much and she is completely happy where she lives. I told him that's all that matters and he told me that if anything happens to his vehicle, that I will be responsible for it. I finally just broke down and told him I couldn't stand being afraid to express my opinion and can't continue living like this. This time of year has always been great for me, but he is really putting a damper on things. A sick as it sounds, I sometimes think he wants me gone, but he always apologizes later. And while apologizing, still backs up his reasoning, making me feel like I was wrong. I've done some soul searching and this board has especially helped. I guess it is a difficult situation for me, because I went through a divorce before we started dating. I now realize that I did not put enough effort in my previous marriage and still have some regrets. I feel like if I leave my bf, then I will just be "running away" from my problems and end up feeling more regret. A friend said to me the other day: "you ran when you shouldn't have (in regards to my ex husband), and you Don't run when you should". Makes a lot of sense!
No matter how much you try to atone from your previous marriage, staying in a bad relationship isn't the way to do it. Take this as a life experience and move on to something that is more healthier and happier for you.
Stop being an emotional punching bag for your boyfriend!! You deserve better than that!!
Look at this as a wonderful opportunity to take some time for yourself, to learn what makes you happy, to enjoy your friends and family free of stress, simply being free of the influence of a negative person. Give some time to find the place you feel happiest and most comfortable can lead to such simple pleasure.
I have an illness which makes it imperative that I remain very positive, very calm and free of stress. At this point, I can feel those with negative energy and move myself away from that immediately, or have minimal contact (such as a store clerk). Now that I have cleared my life of those who were impacting me with their anger, selfishness, aggression, etc., life is so peaceful and sweet. It is worth it to put yourself first, and protect your soul and your heart.
Angry people often do not realize the impact their outbursts have on others, or do not care...some even like that part the most. These people cannot be changed, so all you do is move two giant steps back, turn and walk the other way. Never allow any person to bash your ego, those wounds run deep and take a long time to heal.
Please set yourself free, and let life show you it's true beauty. Nothing like a big argument to ruin everything, simply not worth it.