I need some help sorting out how I view things. I know this isn't a major issue in the scheme of things but I'm driving myself (and my boyfriend) crazy! I have a really good relationship with my boyfriend. Granted we've had our ups and downs but we have trust and honesty and communicate all the time. The one issue (for me) seems to be that he is extremely reserved with his feelings and I'm an open book. So unfortunately, I find myself constantly looking for actions or words to reassure his feelings for me.
Lately, I've been feeling like some things that feel important to me aren't taken seriously by him so I conclude that he doesn't care like he used to. I want to stop this spiral that I keep putting myself in but don't know how. I feel that if I could look at my needs more objectively, I'd be able to stop alot of this behavior.
The latest thing I wanted was to see this house that we are moving into (renting from a friend) for the first time together. I'm so ridiculously sentimental so I value "firsts". Anyway, his friend asked him to come see the house before the closing while I'm at work. I was so disappointed and hurt (didn't let him know how much) because he thought that my wanting us to wait until we could both see it together for the first time is silly. He did say that he's excited about the fact we are moving in but doesn't understand why I wanted to see it with him so badly. So I then think that he doesn't care enough about what I want and I know it's so unproductive.
Am I crazy? Why do I have to put so much weight into these kinds of things? It's like I want him to feel what I feel or at the very least, value my needs even if he doesn't agree with them. But at the same time, if what I want is unreasonable, then I want to work on this. The only problem is, I just can't be objective about this so everything I want seems important when maybe it really shouldn't be?
I think you've identified a problem that millions of people have, and I daresay, especially women. I have always wanted my husband to read my mind and honor all of my feelings without my expressing them. I found myself being very withholding, even if he asked what it was I wanted. My thought was, if I have to ASK for what I want, then you don't know me very well at all.
My advice for you would be, simply, be honest with your boyfriend, realize that you and he will not be in a mind-meld all the time (as we can be with friends of the same sex) and look at the big picture when you are focusing in on what may be tiny reasons that are making you unhappy. I think that for me,
I have always been a big control freak, and I also have very high expectations for others. If this strikes a chord in you, be careful of these behaviors.
You're not crazy, but you can make a choice as to how easily you are feeling hurt by your boyfriend not being on the same page as you. You're so correct, it's all about perspective.
I guess that may be the issue. There is a tiny window of when to make that choice of whether or not to be hurt and I get so caught up in feeling hurt that I miss that window where I could have (or should have) made the choice to *not* feel hurt. It's such a struggle to stop myself before it's too late (too late meaning that I've expressed to my boyfriend that I'm hurt)
I have such a hard time asking for help or asking for things in general that when I finally do, I hope that the person I'm asking will consider my request important enough to honor it. I know I can't expect others to be like me but I guess if my boyfriend asked something of me, even if I didn't want to do it or thought it ridiculous, I still would because I care about him and his wants. I can't help wanting that from him. And then I think "am I being unreasonable again?" As soon as I think he doesn't want to do what I ask, it takes the fun out of it for me. I wonder if this has something to do with self confidence. It just makes me too uncomfortable if I think what I'm asking for is too much.
hi blue topaz, I think it's great that you're analyzing what you think could be destructive behaviour. It does sound like you're obsessing over it so maybe turning down your expectations would help a lot.
There are probably men out there who may be better at making a big thing about celebrating 'firsts' than your boyfriend might be, but accepting that he isn't one of them will go a long way in easing your fears. One thing you can do is try to celebrate things that are firsts, not what you want to be firsts, if you know what I mean. Don't put pressure on what you hope happens, but look back and celebrate what has happened.
And since you did ask for perspective here, I hate to say it, but I don't think his seeing the place before you is anything to get upset about. Why don't you try to cherish him showing you the place for the first time? Or some other first at your new place
I do think though, that he should value your needs even if he doesn't agree with them.
Hi! I just wanted to add that I have this issue with my boyfriend often. For example, the other day I woke up and was going to start the housework and everywhere I turned there was a "sign he didn't care about my feelings". Fruit punch stains on the counters, dirty dishes in the dishwasher when the light is on "clean", and dirty clothes on top of my clean clothes pile in the laundry room. We had JUST discussed all of these things the day before! My face turned red, and I was shaking I was so mad. I think that it does all come down to trying to realize that we are two separate people, who were raised differently, and also trying to put yourself into his shoes. I turned the whole mood right around, and ended up being thankful that he tried to help with the dishes, that he tried to put clothes in a hamper, even if it was the wrong one, and the fruit punch? Well...pick your battles, I guess. In the grand scheme of things these things aren't important. If he doesn't value or prioritize things the same way I do, who cares? He kisses me, holds my hand, talks to me for hours about my feelings, makes me dinner, and loves me in every sense of the word. I am sure your boyfriend probably had reasons why he thought it was important to go at that moment to see the home. Be careful you aren't guilty of the same thing you are accusing him of. He's a guy, and if I can be allowed to generalize for a moment, they are "fixers". He probably wanted to get everything taken care of so it wasn't on his checklist anymore.
him viewing the property first is not bad he was viewing it to see if it was ideal for the both of you and wether you would be both happy there. hes wanting to settle down in a new home with you don't knock it. i think its sweet :-). both people should always consider eachothers feelings/needs and make compromises and always talk calmly and let eachother both have there words.
I'm happy to hear everyone's opinion and perspective is definitely key. My struggle is that I wish I could just remove the emotion in me that causes me to be hurt by things like this in the first place. I get so caught up in how it makes me feel that it's hard for me to reason if I should be feeling this way to begin with.
I really do wish I could experience seeing the house with my boyfriend, seeing the look on his face, etc. To me, that desire seems so real (and justified) that knowing he'll be there today without me makes me really sad. It would be so much easier if I didn't care about stuff like this. I just don't know how to change.
My other issue as I mentioned is that I hate knowing my boyfriend thinks some of the things I want is silly (or ridiculous as he sometimes puts it). It makes me feel like what I want doesn't matter. But when I push myself to try to be reasonable, I realize that every couple must think that their partner has some silly requests. We can't all agree with what our partners want. I either want him to want what I do or to at least be *happy* to do something for me even if he doesn't agree. But that's asking for too much, isn't it?
I really am driving myself crazy wanting things (or me) to be perfect but don't know why I have such a need ((sigh))