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am i being unreasonable?

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Old 12-29-2010, 01:51 AM   #1
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am i being unreasonable?

Hi all,

Two months ago, I moved in with my boyfriend. We have known each other for nearly 6 years and been together for nearly 4 years.

I have some issues, we get along great in most areas, but the main problem is, I find my bf to be very demanding. He is very clean, and I mean super clean. In a way I know I am lucky to have someone as clean as him, as most of my friends complain how messy their boyfriends can be. One little bit of dirt in the house and my boyfriend has to say something.

I work full time, while my boyfriend works from home trying to get his business up and started. He is on government payments, which pay for our bills, and I am paying 100% for the mortgage. I work 2 jobs, I have my full time job and I work my second job every Saturday and most Friday evenings. I feel that the minute I get home, my boyfriend wants me to clean something. He sends me messages when I am at work telling me that he has just cleaned the inside of the fridge, and cleaned the cubboards in the laundry. He tells me when he has mopped the floor or changed the bed sheets. I get a running commentary of what he is doing while I'm at work. He wants me to take initiative and do some of these things, ect. He does the dinner most nights, and I clean up after, I clean the bathroom after I have used it, and clean up after myself, and wash the clothes. I have told him that in the reversed situation where the man works and the woman is home, that the woman does most of the household stuff and that I think it's unfair that he expects me to work 2 jobs to pay our mortgage, then come home and clean. He thinks all i care about is coming home and having a shower. He plays poker on the computer during the day sometimes and watches TV and has his friends over every now and then and goes to the soccer. But when I want to go on the computer to go on ** or YT, he doesn't like it and makes comments all the time because he doesn't like **.

I feel like he wants to have control over me, but he disagrees. Sometimes I want to go to a bar with my friends but he doesn't like those places so I can't go. I had 3 work christmas parties because my full time job invited me to the inter state one, so I went to 2 parties for my full time job and the other party was my casual job. He said it's too much and I shouldn't need to go to them all. I said why not? I very rarely go out and now I want to go out and enjoy myself.

I don't see any of my money as it goes to the mortgage and he wants to budget every last cent. He is giving till June for his business as he has everything set up, website, business cards, etc, all he needs to do is advertise it, otherwise he will get a full time job mid next year.

The other day he called me a lazy b***ch. I don't see other guys calling their girlfriends/wives names. All I want is to be able to have some down time to myself on the computer, in front of the TV without him hovering over me saying there is hair on he bathrooom floor, bla bla bla. If I go to do something, he has to watch me, to make sure I'm doing it correctly. I even went to make a sandwich and he had to watch me. He says that if he has a better way which is quicker or isn't as messy, then don't i want to know? He said sometimes I have good advice for him which he listens to, so why don't i want to listen to him? For goodness sakes, it's a sandwich, I'm 25 years old, not 10.

Sometimes I just want to leave this relationship and get my life back. all my life seems to be these days is all work and no play.

Am I being unfair. Do i need to do more around the house even though i work 6 days a week and he is at home doing not much? i have taken holidays from my full time job, and im working at my part time job so we can earn extra money. im at my parents place, so now i can sit at the computer and write this message. as an example, i worked monday to friday last week, had christmas day off, then working from sunday 26th till thursday (5 days), i then have 3 days off, then from monday 3rd - saturday 8th im working, sunday 9th i have off, then back to work monday to friday. i feel isolated from the rest of the world.

also when we have a fight, he tells me to go home back to my parents, i respond saying but this is MY HOME!!!!

Last edited by emlee; 12-29-2010 at 03:27 AM.

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Old 12-29-2010, 03:44 AM   #2
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Re: am i being unreasonable?

Do you have to kneel and call him "your Lordship" as well? Plant your foot FIRMLY and tell him this cr@p has to stop now. Can you imagine getting away with this if it was you at home and him out working?? I don't think gender needs to come into this at all - this is one of the most unfair share outs of house work I have ever seen. Thicken your skin, let him whinge about the state of the place, then shrug your shoulders and say "You are bothered; you fix it"; then go back to your ** page. Remember, nobody died and put him in charge. I would also put a definite time limit on you paying the whole mortgage. As soon as he gets going with his business or a job, it gets back to 50-50. You are a saint, he would be battling to find anyone else who would put up with this. On second thoughts, is it all worth it? Look ahead, can you see you living like this in 20-30 years Sera.

Old 12-29-2010, 03:57 AM   #3
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Re: am i being unreasonable?

no i dont see myself living like this in 20 years time. sometimes i want to leave him, but im finding it so hard, as i have known him for a long time. i know the initial break up would be hard, i'd be devestated. he calls me names, raises his voice at me, i dont deserve to be treated like that.
he said years ago he had 3 jobs, so he is indirectly saying big deal that u have 2 jobs. the difference it he went home to his parents who did everything for him. he moved out of home for the first time 2 months ago with me and he is 35 now.

Old 12-29-2010, 05:21 AM   #4
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Re: am i being unreasonable?

I would tell him that if he wants everything spotless then he knows where the cleaning supplies are and better get busy because you aren't going to do it! He has an OCD and you shouldn't have to suffer because of his mental disorder!

Old 12-29-2010, 08:16 AM   #5
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Re: am i being unreasonable?

emlee: I agree, he's got OCD. You're in for a long ride with this if you stay with him. He's 35! He's got alot of growing up to do. Whatever you do, don't bring any kids into this with him. He'll make their life a living h*ll. You don't want to be stuck with kids and have to work. You'll be killing yourself even more than you are now.

This is a recipe for disaster with him. You don't need someone controlling you. It's too bad that you bought a house with him because it's not as easy as leaving if you were renting. I've known my husband for 27 years and have been married for 17 and I've never had a checking account with him. I have my own money. Get yourself your own checking account right away if you don't have one. You need to be able to have your own independence.

If he's doing this to you now he'll be doing it to you forever. It's who he is. It's too bad you didn't know about this before you moved in with him. Get out before it gets worse and you're stuck in a hard place. I wish you luck.

Old 12-29-2010, 08:31 AM   #6
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Re: am i being unreasonable?

you're not being unreasonable, your gut instinct is telling you something.....listen to it....get out now, he won't get any better
there is no excuse for name-calling.....he disrespects you.
time to say buh-bye now....

Old 12-29-2010, 09:14 AM   #7
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Re: am i being unreasonable?

I'm usually the person who says don't walk away from a relationship because it's not perfect, relationships of any kind take work.
Not in this case. He has a disorder (OCD), and one that he doesn't seem like he wants to work on at all. A hair on the bathroom floor? C'mon. My sister is an ECE teacher, and what they teach the kids is three years old if something is bothering them, then they fix it. He is 35 and he could learn a thing or two from a three year old.
Trying to keep you from doing things you like like ** and YT, calling you names and kicking you out of your home because of a fight.... that's abuse, dear. Can you really see yourself living like this for even another year? You're 25 you are still so young and able to find someone else who loves you and will treat you with respect. You can do anyhting you want stilll.... find someone else who adores you and you adore. Go back to school and get a degree or diploma in something you love to do. If you already have that, then you can go take courses in something fun like a cookery course, or art or dance!
Take back your life. You still have so much of it left. Can you imagine having kids with him? Your life will be a living obstacle course (ie. That's not how you wrap a diaper. That's not how you bathe him/her. That'[s not how you hold the baby. That's not how you rock the baby. That's not a good name for the baby. Are you really going to let the baby crawl around on a dirty floor? So on and so forth) And for the child's! Imagine a childhood where you can't make mudpies, colour outside of the lines, spill your juice.
Think again aboyut this relationship... maybe you could stay at your parents place for a bit. Breaking up isn't easy, but in a few months, the pain will fade and you can take your life back. On the other hand, if you stay, in a few monhs he could much worse, he could graduate from calling you names to hitting you.... no matte what, you won't be happy.
Take back your life. It's yours, not his.

Old 12-29-2010, 09:51 AM   #8
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Re: am i being unreasonable?

Everyone has made some great suggestions.

I just wanted to also say that (which you stated earlier) it's all about control for him. Having absolute control in his world which includes you now. Not only that, he's very "Me" oriented in terms of his needs and not your needs or the needs of your relationship. He doesn't respect you and you'll never do *enough* in his mind compared to what he does. I would also make a guess that he thinks/says to you that you can't do better than him. All of these things point to a immature narcissist.

The best news is that you're NOT married! This relationship isn't going nowhere where you want it to go. As many others have said, take back YOUR life!! If you need help kicking him out, bring a friend (a guy friend or father/brother) would be the best. Change the locks and DO NOT under any circumstance go back to him not matter what he promises. He's going to promise he's going to change but the problem is it's his personality and he's not going to.

Take this as a learning experience and move on to something a lot better and happier.

Good luck!!

Last edited by baffomet; 12-30-2010 at 08:56 AM.

Old 12-29-2010, 12:53 PM   #9
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Re: am i being unreasonable?

Get rid, he won't change, hes a control freak and a bully.

Old 12-30-2010, 08:53 AM   #10
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Re: am i being unreasonable?

So, it looks like you're out there breaking your back working 2 jobs to pay the mortgage while he gets to live there for free. Nice set up!

Are you being unreasonable? NO!! Not even! What you are, is being taken advantage of and abused by this sick individual. I think you need to seriously look at this situation and realize how unhealthy it is for you and then get out of it.

Honestly, guys like this (abusive and bullying) make my skin crawl! I don't understand how you can stand being in the same room with him much less living with him, gross!

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Old 12-30-2010, 09:34 AM   #11
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Re: am i being unreasonable?

Most times one job is hard enough. Having two is hard. I don't care if he had 3 jobs or 10 jobs at the same time. Serious kudos to working hard. It's a great trait to have. However, I agree with the above comments. No male should ever disrespect a woman like that. Ever.

Old 01-06-2011, 09:32 PM   #12
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Re: am i being unreasonable?

hey all,

thanks for your replys. I haven't been on here in a week. I go to my parents every Friday so that's when I check this site. My bf is good with computers and I don't want him coming here looking at what I write. He thinks forums like this are no good because you don't know who you are talking to and it's always best to seek help from a professional. Well if I had chest pains, that might be the case, I would go to a doctor, but I think relationship advice is different.

You have all given me great advice. PrincessSweetNS mentioned getting a degree, well I actually finished my degree in Finance last year and got a job in Stockbroking. I know that if I learn the market well, I have the potential to earn a lot of money, however I don't know if that is what I want. I wouldn't mind a job in the airline industry as I love flying. I mentioned this to my bf, but he thinks that I have just started my career, and I should stick this out for a while. That's why I have my second job still, its a casual job I had while at school and university in retail, so I have a customer service background which would help if I wanted to make a switch to a job for an airline that may require customer service. I really wanted to be a flight attendant but I am too short, and the receptionist at my work was a flight attendant for a long time and she said it's not a job for people in a long term relationship as you are away from home a lot.

To be honest with everyone, if I suggested for us to break up, I don't think he would fight me, he would just let me go. He has threatened to break up with me on a number of occasions, but it was always me that begged him to stay. Maybe him breaking up with me would be doing a favour for me. He probably stays because he has it so good with me financially and he would have to give up trying for his business and look for a full time job. Do you think he is just threatening and he is not being serious?

Kzan mentioned that he is basically living for free. Well he doesn't see it that way because he said this is happening in the short term, and when he is working full time, he will be earning more than me, (which is true as he is in senior positions) so he will be paying the majority eventually and contributing more to this relationship financially that I.

Despite this on-going issue, he has helped me get to where I am today in terms of my full time job, he helped me with my resume, my job applications and interview tips. He has always been so helpful and supportive of that, although I am thinking of changing to the airline industry one day. I'm just worried that I am getting too old. He has always given me advice if issues have occued in friendships or my jobs ect, built me a laptop and done a lot of other things for me, and I guess this is why I'm finding it hard to let go of him because there is a good side to him too.

Once again thanks everyone! Appreciate your comments and I hope you all had a great New Year!!!

Old 01-07-2011, 09:44 AM   #13
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Re: am i being unreasonable?

Wow, that is an awesome degree! But if you don't have the passion for it, go after something you love. You love flying, so why not go for something in that? What about a travel agent? I don't really know the travel industry all that well despite travelling a lot lol, but I am sure there is a LOT of opportunities within the travel industry. Go after sometihng you love to do.

And if you don't think he'd fight for you to stay together... In all honesty Emlee... do you really want to stay with someone who wouldn't fight for you?

Old 01-07-2011, 11:26 AM   #14
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Re: am i being unreasonable?

The time to change careers, to try new things, is BEFORE you have children! Once you settle down, get married, start having children, you will be so busy raising them and making a home that you won't have time again until the kids are grown. Then for most people it's just too late. We're tired, we feel like it's not worth it, or we're simply too "old" for the career.

Do not settle just because you feel you owe him or he can be good to you. You should only stay in a relationship if you really love someone. Obviously there will be things that you won't like, but they should not be deal-breakers. You should be happier with him than you are unhappy. You should not be ambivalent or have doubts. You should also be sure that he loves you back and not just wants you around because you're convenient or have money. Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that's what's going on in your relationship. I have no way of knowing, since you are living it and not me. But believe me, I've been there before and just want to say that, though it may not seem like it, your life will go by so fast and someday you may seriously regret the years you gave someone and the things you gave up for them. Think about it very seriously before doing anything.

Old 01-07-2011, 12:42 PM   #15
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Re: am i being unreasonable?

"The other day he called me a lazy b***ch. "

He doesn't have a clue what he has with you...........and never will.

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