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Old 12-29-2010, 11:54 AM   #1
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Confused...Need Advice!

My "husband" and I (we live together but are not technically married) have been together for almost 5 years. We have a 3 yr old son together and he has a 6 yr old daughter from a previous relationship who lives with her mom.

He is always saying that he needs a hobby and has to be doing something "manly". Well over the years he was always finding things to do that kept him away from the house like playing pool at the bar, etc. He was spending so much time away from the house that this led to fights because I would come home from work and would be the one taking care of our son ALL THE TIME. Then he would come home drunk. Don't get me wrong, I love my son but I feel that a father should be there for his son too. So this led him to find Halo ... which he plays any second he can. He argues that this keeps him home and out of trouble. My real issue with this is that he is constantly drinking when he plays it. If he is playing for 3 hours, he is drinking the entire time... and it is one beer after another, constantly.

I know he has a drinking problem and he seems to be depressed all the time. This is interfering with our relationship to the point where I am exhausted from all of it. The most common moments when we get to arguments is when he has been playing halo until 3am -- I probably went to bed about 10pm because I am not going to wait all night to go to bed when I have to work at 6am -- then he comes into bed wanting to "get some" and I don't want to wake up. I am one of those people that needs their sleep... and he knows this. I will keep telling him no, no, no and he will keep trying for like an hour. Then he'll start saying things like you hate me, why don't you like me, etc. and he will start going on a rant about how nobody likes him. I used to try to console him and say I love you, I don't hate you. It's gotten to the point where I won't say anything anymore. He has blacked out once from his drinking and he said he was leaving and taking his gun. He kicked a hole in our bedroom door and threw a chair and a lamp -- I stayed out of the way but I knew if I got in his way that I could have been that chair or door. Afterwards, he said he was sorry and that he would never hurt me -- my question to him was, if you can't remember anything, how do you know it wouldn't happen?

Today, I found a note in his dresser drawer dated about a month ago saying how much he loved me and the kids, and that he was sorry. He didn't want to commit suicide but he can't stop drinking and he feels his insides burning. He always tells me he's not feeling good and I always tell him to make a doctor's appointment but he never does. If I tell him to stop drinking he will say I'm a man and men drink and you can't tell me to stop drinking or that he can't help it and he loves the taste of beer. He will go for about a week without drinking or he'll get o'douls but no more than 7 days later he is drinking again. In one of our many arguments, he will say that the world would be better off without him and that maybe he should just get it over with. I have told him that he is stupid for saying things like that and that I want him to be around to see the kids grow up and see our son learn to ride a bike and graduate from high school. Nothing I say or do makes a difference. I don't know how much more of this I can put up with and I don't want my son thinking it is ok to drink like that. My dad even told me yesterday, in a roundabout way, to leave him. I want to find something to motivate him to do better but at the same time I feel like my son and I should be enough motivation. I love him very much but I feel soooo confused.

 
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Old 12-29-2010, 01:40 PM   #2
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Re: Confused...Need Advice!

Your "Husband" needs some serious help. He has an addiction and there's nothing you can do about it except get him to the medical/mental health that he needs.

My suggestion would be to make the appointments for him. From what you wrote it appears that he's not going to do it himself. Does he admit that he has a drinking problem?

Alcoholism is very serious and only destroys relationships and families. Until he gets the medical attention you're going to suffer.

If you want to save your relationship and your family YOU will need to do something because your husband isn't capable or willing. If you don't think it's worth it than I would get out as soon as possible. He has proven that he's capable of physical fits, I wouldn't take a chance to wait to see if you get mistaken for the chair or wall next time.

In either case, drastic moments sometimes warrant drastic measures. Whatever you do though, please think of your safety and your son's safety first.

 
Old 12-29-2010, 01:44 PM   #3
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Re: Confused...Need Advice!

does he work? I didn't hear you mention anything about him having a job.
I can't imagine he can stay up drinking and playing games until 3 am and then go to work? You're being used.....time to put your foot down.....
he's not doing anything for you....he's not making your life better, he's not making your life easier. I like to say that a partner should compliment your life, not complicate it, and I can't say that about your partner......
stop wasting your time
your kid doesn't need a drunk for a dad.....he doesn't need a dad at all.

 
Old 12-29-2010, 01:54 PM   #4
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Re: Confused...Need Advice!

He does hold a full time job ... how he wakes up in the morning I do not know but he manages to wake up everyday and bring home a paycheck.

 
Old 12-29-2010, 01:59 PM   #5
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Re: Confused...Need Advice!

that's surprising.....so what are you going to do?
he doesn't respect you, he's abusive, and dangerous......throwing stuff, making holes in the walls, etc.
so what are you getting out of this relationship?

 
Old 12-29-2010, 02:39 PM   #6
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Re: Confused...Need Advice!

Okay- to me he sounds like a former "functional" alcoholic (because he can hold down a job and not get DUI's and such) but he's in a downward spiral now. The fact that he's contemplated suicide enough to write a note indicate severe depression. He needs help.

I don't know your situation. Can you enlist the help of his family? Share the note and the circumstances with them?

Otherwise...I don't know. You may have to leave him for him to wake up...if he's going to at all. Some people can't be saved, because they won't be saved.

Alternatively, maybe he left that note there for you to find, as a cry for help. If you can, help him, but help yourself and your son first.

 
Old 12-29-2010, 03:01 PM   #7
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Re: Confused...Need Advice!

i think you should take you and your son away from this situation its a bad example for your son and he is not making you happy and hes acting so immature and selfish , if he cared he would get help for his drink addiction. he says hes depressed ask him ''how do you think i feel''.

 
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