I can't help but feel like I got screwed over again
A few days ago I started dating a guy. We'll say his name is Ryan.
We were open about our past relationships and he told me that his ex girlfriend is a bit psychotic and that she would threaten him all the time that she would hurt herself when they were together and things of that nature.
Unfortunately, he and his ex share the same circle of friends so they are still a part of each others lives. So yesterday we all went up to go skiing at a local ski resort so that I could meet his friends, and she was there. She kept calling him and insisting that we do a few runs with her. She ended up getting very upset and going in to the ski lodge. All of his other friends seemed to like me though.
She ended up sending him a three page text about how she would change everything about herself to have him back. And she wouldn't stop calling him or texting him the whole rest of the night.
But last night Ryan told me that he really likes me and that he wants to have a long relationship with me and that she isn't going to change his mind about that. And he promised me that our exes will have nothing to do with our relationship because they don't matter anymore and it's just me and him.
However, this morning, all of that changed. She ended up texting him all night. He told me that she is driving him nuts and it's not fair to me that he is talking to both of us and he ended things with me. He told me that we can't hang out as much anymore but we can still talk. He said he thinks and hopes that she will back off but until then he doesn't know how to handle this any other way.
I told him I feel that she isn't going to change, especially now that she knows all she has to do is throw a tantrum and get all upset in order for him to leave me, and that it will work.
I don't know if he is doing the right thing and looking out for me or if he is just another jerk. I really don't know if I should wait around for him either. I have a feeling she isn't going to change and I don't want this to become a cycle of us dating and then breaking up because of her. And I also don't know if I want to wait around for it to turn into us never dating at all.
I was hoping I could get a lot of advice on whether you think this guy is a loser or if he is really doing the right thing and that I should give him the benefit of the doubt and wait to see if we can make a relationship work.
Re: I can't help but feel like I got screwed over again
Whatever you do, do NOT wait for this guy. He's still trapped (by his own decision) in his past relationship and is catering (as mentioned already) to her needs/tantrum.
Is he doing this for you? Of course not! He's doing what's best for her and it shows. If he really wanted to be in a long term relationship he would man-up and not let his ex sway him and set boundaries that does not disturb your relationship. Instead you have a wishy washy person who can be EASILY manipulated. Do you want that for a partner? Could you ever trust a person like that?
I will give it to him in that he is giving you an out now instead of keeping you in the madness, but I think that's more for his conscience than your feelings.
Chalk this up as a life experience and move on. There's so many other people in world that will treat you better.
The Following User Says Thank You to baffomet For This Useful Post: tiny111 (12-30-2010)
Thank you so much baffomet. Your advice opened my eyes to things I hadn't thought before. It does seem like he is putting her above me and that if he really would have cared he would have kept his promise that exes were left out of our relationship and don't matter anymore. I feel that after he broke that I can't trust him.
Also I feel it will be a cycle that if we ever try dating she will have a fit and he will do what she wants. I don't want that for myself.
Re: I can't help but feel like I got screwed over again
I agree with the others- this is too much drama with a guy you've only known for a few days. In my experience, some guys are really attracted to drama girls, which his ex clearly is. Since he's not cutting her off, I would say he's one of them.
My advice is steer clear. No, she's not going to change for him, but he'll figure that out on his own. The thing is, he's not going to change for YOU, either. And since this is what you'll get if you get him, and it's not going to make you happy, you might as well invest your time with another guy who will only be thinking of YOU.
Re: I can't help but feel like I got screwed over again
hes putting HER feelings/needs first before you. dont wait around. hes a messer. hes probably still in love with her. other wise he would think stuff her i am not with her anymore i can be with whoever i like. he needs to grow a pair.
Re: I can't help but feel like I got screwed over again
Here is the bottom line, chica, if he wanted to be with you, he would have told the ex exactly where to go and how fast to get there. That he didn't means that he still has feelings for her.
It's unfortunate but be glad you didn't waste more than a very shore time with this bozo. If he tries getting back together with you again, I hope you won't take him back, not after the way he picked her feelings over yours the first time.
Re: I can't help but feel like I got screwed over again
Thank you for the advice EagleRiverDee. After my last relationship I definitely need someone that is going to have his attention on me. And I know that with Ryan that's not what I would get. He will always be attached to his ex. He doesn't want to let her go as much as she doesn't want to let him go.
Re: I can't help but feel like I got screwed over again
Thank you Tivo123. One thing I learned from past relationships is that nothing good ever comes out of a second chance so I'll be sure not to give this guy another chance. He is easily controlled by his ex, and I'm not going to be easily controlled by him or become a part of their dramatic love cycle.
Re: I can't help but feel like I got screwed over again
leave him. my stbx husband did this and he went back to a nut gf. he kept telling me i had unfinshed business now he did. he is now refusing to divorce me and beasue it is in canada the courts tell me it can drag on and it has.
begna to see a new guy and he was acting odd. despite his words. action speak louder than words... trust me on this... the now ex new guy was a major con man. i feel lucky i did not get burned. he conned 100k out of 2 ppl and was getting new money from others. run for the hills. go read a few books one. i stick to what my first huband taught and my granpa and others good men i knave know about men. it is about respect and honor and action not words.
Last edited by Administrator; 01-15-2011 at 11:21 PM.
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Re: I can't help but feel like I got screwed over again
"sorry honey i cant make it to your work party and meet your work coleagues and bosses. Ex gf just lost her job and is sad. She needs me right now." "sorry baby, i know our son os really excited about being in the state finals for his hockey but i cant make the game. Ex gf just found out that she is pregnant and the father wants nothing to do with her. SShe needs my support."
See where I am going? I have no doubt that would have been your future, because no doubt she would keep making issues - maybe on pirpose- and run to him for help. And he would buy into it totally. If you even stayed that long.
Youre better off that it ended now. You should probably not invest too much in your friendship with him either. Hes clearly not that dependable.
Last edited by PrincessSweetNS; 01-05-2011 at 04:23 PM.
Re: I can't help but feel like I got screwed over again
Thank you for your advice. And yes I learned that even as a friend that he is not very dependable. There is no doubt that he has feelings or is attracted to me, and I feel that is why he talks to me. But I know that his feelings for her run deeper. And being attracted to me is not enough for me. I don't play second best to anyone, at least when I'm supposed to be with someone.
