I've been with my boyfriend for two years. Lately he has been taking me out the night before a holiday but not spending the holidays with me. For New Years Eve he says he has to stay home to let his dogs out because his adult children (who live with him) have plans and won't be around. I can't have pets at my apartment so that's not an option. I wouldn't mind spending the evening with him at his house, but he used to date his neighbor and she has threatened violence towards me if she sees me there - and she has a live in boyfriend (but he never knew about the affair and my boyfriend never wants him to find out). He says nothing between them anymore, just can't chance that kind of conflict at his home. My boyfriend says I've been pressuring him to spend more time with me and that's probably true. He lives 10 miles away and I might see him for an evening on the week-end. Told him I've been trying to fit in a relationship in a few hour a week. I'm tired of it and I seem to be the only one trying to make it work. I feel like driving by his house tonight to see if he's having a party or if his kids are home. I never did this before but I think he's not being honest with me. I feel like I'm lowering myself but It's driving me crazy to think I will be alone tonight because of dogs! I really want to drive by and see. Should I?
Last edited by Shellbelle04; 12-31-2010 at 08:12 AM.
Just not sure I should drive by and see for myself. I guess I really need it thrown in my face if he's lying about staying home (alone) for the sake of the dogs. In a way I'm not sure why I would be chasing after someone who puts the neighbor and the dogs before me? But, if I'm going to call him on his untruth to me on this special night, I want the ammunition to back it up. I want the truth and the excuses to stop. He tells me he is a good man and defends integrity. I'm not sure a past (if it is past) secret affair with the neighbor screams integrity. I think he should be a politician.
Sounds like a con job to me. Find someone new. I just dumped a new guy and i was right about him., real life con man. My stbx husband was acting the same way. i was right about him too. if a man has to tell you all the time he is a good guy and not just know it, well that speaks volumes.
do you go around saying you are good person all the time to him? of course not!
The Following User Says Thank You to caring12 For This Useful Post: Shellbelle04 (12-31-2010)
Several months ago on a Friday night I called to ask if he would meet me at a restaurant between his house and mine. He didn't answer my call and I left him a message. There was no return call. Then I sent a text saying I was willing to pick something up and bring it over because I didn't want to eat alone. He called me and said he was tired and going to bed (it was 7pm). I conducted an experiment for a few months after that. He would only return my calls if I said I would stop by. I'm an idiot - really. He made a comment to me one time that my concern about not being a guest or not being able to visit his house or suggesting I will stop by his house could be considered stalking. He's welcome at my place any time and we have a sexual relationship. Sometimes he says he's on his way to my house or shopping in the area and can he stop by (he is always welcome), and on occasion he is really outside my door. Is that stalking? I haven't even been to his house in over a year now. If I SUGGEST I go over to his house, is that stalking?
Last edited by Shellbelle04; 12-31-2010 at 10:33 AM.
Honestly, why even bother? He is obviously hiding something, and even if he weren't, why would you want to be with someone who behaves like that? You can't even go over to your own boyfriend's house! That is not normal! One of the biggest signs of lying/hiding something is when the other person tries to turn it around on you. The fact that he told you that you, his own girlfriend, stopping by his house is stalking is just absolutely insane. He is trying to make you feel bad about yourself by suggesting that you are weird/crazy so that you will stop trying to come by. If you absolutely feel the need, I say yes, randomly drive by and snoop. I would even suggest going up and knocking the door and "surprising him". But, I do have to say that he will likely end it with you if you do that, which I think would be the best thing. Ideally, I think you should not even bother and you should just end with him. Regardless of if he's cheating or hiding something, he's a loser and you're not in a "relationship" with him.
The following user gives a hug of support to Mary83: Shellbelle04 (12-31-2010)
When I dated a guy in my early 20s who only gave me a pager number and never let me come over, I found out later he was living with a girl and she was pregnant! They never broke up! So, personally, I would forever be suspicious of ANY guy who said I wasn't allowed to come over because that is a humongous red flag! Huge huge huge red flag!
And to answer your question, no you were not stalking him and the only reason he said that was to get you to feel ashamed and back off. But you have nothing to be ashamed of cause you didn't do anything wrong, he just wanted you to feel that way. WHY would you want to keep being with a guy who deliberately tries to hurt you and obviously lie to you like that? Think about it!
The following user gives a hug of support to Kszan: Shellbelle04 (12-31-2010)
The Following User Says Thank You to Kszan For This Useful Post: Shellbelle04 (12-31-2010)
Thank you. His neighbor has actually made threats to me, hit him and ruptured one of his eardrums. He doesn't seem to be doing anything about those issues. I'm going to leave him with his nut job neighbor. He will be no longer welcomed into my home. I kind of hate the childish fair is fair thing, but I think I've been a door mat far too long now. I'm also thinking of blocking his phone number so he doesn't shmooze his way back to me. It WILL be a good new year. I might be sad and lonely tonight, but there will be many more better days (and nights). I pray that I have the strength to keep my head up and let go of this loser in my life. Thank you. Thank you for your words of wisdom and best wishes you have a Happy New Year.
The following user gives a hug of support to Shellbelle04: cryingforever (12-31-2010)
People make such a huge deal about new years eve when its just another night like any other, except when you wake up the next day, you have to remember to write the next year's date on your checks instead. I've spent some new years's alone before and I've realized how much it just feels like any other night, really. So, if you're alone, don't worry too much cause in the big picture, it's not all that big of a deal, people just make it a big deal cause it's an excuse to have a party!
True. But I have someone who claims I'm special to them and he hasn't even called me today to see if I have any plans for this evening. He has already told me he has to take care of dogs tonight and I'm hurt we can't even have dinner together. I'm not sure why that means he can't even call me. I don't see him all week because he works late and has to go home and make sure the wood stove is going. Before his neighbor decided she didn't like me there, I helped him stack at least 5 cords of wood. I haven't even been able to sit by the fire with him. I'm done.
I guess Christmas Eve was just another night and Christmas Day was just another day? Those times I spent without him also. Christmas Eve I was alone. I went to visit a relative Christmas day, I invited him but he said he had things to do around his house to get ready for the snow storm. I would have loved to help him, but I can't go to his house. Thanks for trying to trivialize the importance of the holiday, but I was really hoping since he didn't see me for Christmas he would make up for it New Years Eve. I was wrong.
I think you should go check. Your intuition is probably right, but unless you see it with your own eyes, you might keep trying to fool yourself. Like you said, you need it thrown in your face.
Whatever you find there though, don't go to the door, don't confront him, don't call him. Just think about what it means to your relationship - if you could even call it that. Personally, I think you are being conned. You can't go to his house? Riiiiiight....
Good luck. And consider this a big New Year's gift to yourself: a new beginning without a lying boyfriend.
The following user gives a hug of support to Thisby: Shellbelle04 (12-31-2010)
The Following User Says Thank You to Thisby For This Useful Post: cryingforever (12-31-2010)
Yes I agree too because I think that in order to end this you'll need to see and if you don't go you'll keep believing these stories. I know how people are and unless you see it with you own eyes, he will never admit it to you and keep stringing you along. It really sounds fishy, I don't believe all that about how you can't go to his house because of some neighbor...heck for all you know there's some other woman living with him. I just don't buy any of that! That's all just a pack of lies!
if you don't maybe he will try and talk to you then you might think ''but maybe he really was at home alone'' because you didnt go see and get sucked into his stories as he will probably be all nice and sweet make out he really missed you etc ...sweet talk. don't fall for it though. get rid of him and start 2011 with a complete fresh start, no more worrying, no more suspicious thoughts, no more thinking of snooping just be fresh, free and happy. he can't and won't make you happy hes doing a pretty crap job already so that goes to show that is who he is..a jerk. anyway, whats your plans? are going to go snoop (i personally think you should) but wether you find or not find anything i think you should leave him anyway too much fishyness and drama with him and the neighbour and the dog business. its not worth wasting time and your life on. imagine meeting a man who will want you there, who won't make rubbish excuses. trust me i am in a similar situation as you my boyfriends not that great either, nothing suspicious but makes me feel he doesnt want me here so guess what...i am leaving bye bye 2010 and him, hello 2011 and plenty of smiles and fresh start.
The Following User Says Thank You to cryingforever For This Useful Post: Shellbelle04 (12-31-2010)
It sounds like you are done anyway, so it might not be worth it to go "snopping" and check on him. However, if you have any doubts in your mind that you aren't done, I definitely think you should go by his house. I can almost guarantee that SOMETHING is going on, and finding out will help you realize that you absolutely need to end the "relationship". I do think that you should keep in mind though that even if you don't catch him in anything tonight, I would keep trying. I'd say it's only a matter of time before he gets caught. Ultimately though, I hope that you've just chosen to end the relationship regardless of whether or not you find anything. Despite the fact that he may be cheating or hiding something, he's not treating you well and you don't have a real relationship. I don't really see that there's anything worth holding on to or fighting for, and it seems that you're starting to see things that way as well.
For the record- holidays are important to me as well, so I can understand your being upset over that. Although New Years Eve isn't so important to me (my boyfriend and I have chosen to stay at home and watch movies instead of going to a friend's house), it WOULD be important to me if my boyfriend blew me off tonight... and especially Christmas!
I'm going to take a ride to see later this evening. I have nothing else planned. I've been thinking he will at least call and talk to me. So far nothing. I think he knows I'm ready to call it quits. Thanksgiving was the one year anniversary of the last time I had been to his house and that was sitting in his car so he could run in and get some clothes to bring to my house . He couldn't believe I had kept track of the time and thought I was silly to think of Thanksgiving that way. I didn't want to but that's the way it was. I was crying and asked him to tell me ONE thing he had done in that year to fix the problem with his neighbor (she is real and gets real drunk). He hung his head and couldn't answer me. He said losing me would be the ultimate price he could pay for ever being with her. So I guess that's what is going to happen. He must be willing to let me go if he's not willing to stand up to her for me. I have to be done with this.
You aren't a real "girlfriend" to him, I'm afraid. You say he calls if he's nearby to ask to stop by? I bet every one of those times he wanted sex. He is doing to absolute bare minimum to keep you giving him sex.
You've put up with this shabby treatment for over a year? No, you need to forget this guy and find a REAL boyfriend, one who spends time with you and who you can see without any made-up, stupid restrictions.
The following user gives a hug of support to CadenceA: Shellbelle04 (01-02-2011)
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