It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 01-01-2011, 08:26 PM   #1
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3
island1 HB User
friendships with the ex

My ex and I broke up a few years ago. Nothing was wrong, but we were both moving away from home, and had very ambiguous futures. I was his first love. To this day, we are good friends, we always get together (usually with a mutual friend) when we're home for the holidays, and we talk for hours like nothing ever happened. Neither of us have new SO's. He goes out of his way to make time for me and my other friend (in other words, he is good at being a good friend).

But sometimes I wonder what he's really thinking underneath our polite conversation and smiles (which on the surface don't seem to indicate anything).

After we broke up he did things to indicate he still had feelings, spontaneous little outbursts, but much time has passed, and now he says that it was all 'a long time ago.' clearly nothing is going to happen with us, since we both live far away from each other.

What do you think? Is it possible to see an ex, be good friends, and just be chill, no feelings, all good.

Last edited by island1; 01-01-2011 at 08:31 PM.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 01-01-2011, 09:21 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 4,081
Larrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB User
Re: friendships with the ex

I think it's possible, of course. Whether that's the case with him, no one can know except him. Are you just worried that he may have feelings for you still, or are you hoping he does because you still have feelings for him?

 
The Following User Says Thank You to Larrylou'smom For This Useful Post:
island1 (01-01-2011)
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 01-01-2011, 09:32 PM   #3
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3
island1 HB User
Re: friendships with the ex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
I think it's possible, of course. Whether that's the case with him, no one can know except him. Are you just worried that he may have feelings for you still, or are you hoping he does because you still have feelings for him?
Both fear and hope mixed, more so confusion. I'm content with our friendship, and it's the best option for now - although the door is always open for me, if we ever end up in a place where a relationship could be logistically feasible.

For now, I'll have to learn to be content with embracing ambiguity in relationship. It's admittedly uncomfortable, but you're right that ambiguity may be the best - and only - option. Nobody can know except for him how he truly feels.

And maybe it's not my job to think about it. I guess my only job is to continue to be a good friend. I'm learning, I'm trying.

Partly I just want to know because knowledge is power - in my case, to use it to honor him in a better way, as a friend, to know how to be more sensitive to his needs. Partly it's curiosity. Partly it's thinking about the future. But more so the first case. I really want his happiness before my own, guarding his peace, so is my love for him. I'm thinking on his behalf as my first priority. There are many ways to love someone... for better or worse, in joy and in sorrow.

Last edited by island1; 01-01-2011 at 09:39 PM.

 
Old 01-01-2011, 09:39 PM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 4,081
Larrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB User
Re: friendships with the ex

Well, if you have feelings for him, and you are really hoping he may still have feelings for you, maybe you should do some soul searching to really figure out how much you would really like this relationship to happen. I'm usually a supporter of telling people how you really feel about them. Who knows? He may be hoping you will be the first to step up and declare your feelings so he can say "I'm so glad you said that, I feel the same way." But the risk is he may also say "I'm sorry, I'm past it, I just want to be friends, but now I'm not so sure we can be..." I grant you, it's a tough one for sure. But if your main concern is his feelings, not wanting him to be secretly pining for you, I think in that case, all you can really do is be honest with him. That's all he can really expect from you, honesty and respect. The rest, whether he can "handle" being just friends for now, etc., is up to him.

Maybe you can make it clear you care very deeply for him without coming right out and telling him you "still have feelings" for him? Like telling him he's your best friend, he's important to you, something like that?

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 01-01-2011 at 09:41 PM.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to Larrylou'smom For This Useful Post:
island1 (01-01-2011)
Old 01-01-2011, 09:41 PM   #5
Inactive
(female)
 
cryingforever's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: yorkshire, uk
Posts: 1,790
cryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB User
Re: friendships with the ex

if it was me i'd get straight to the point no worming my way around trying to figure answers i would tell him exactly how i feel and ask how he feels. if you got back together though do you think it could/would work considering you live far apart?

 
The Following User Says Thank You to cryingforever For This Useful Post:
island1 (01-01-2011)
Old 01-01-2011, 09:50 PM   #6
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3
island1 HB User
Re: friendships with the ex

I have told him that he's very important to me, as a good friend, that I really value hanging out with him. He seems to quietly shy from all discussion of affection, neither offering a positive or a negative response orally. He kind of just sits there silently with nothing to say. If I tell him by email or watevs, he'll just write back a polite how are you? lol...

But he responds through his actions by being attentive, friendly, positive. He even offered to visit me by 5 hour bus when I mentioned I might be visiting another city in his state. etc. And therein lies another level of ambiguity... is he just being a great friend or is he being a great friend with hidden intentions?

He would probably freak out if I told him my feelings, I'm not saying that because I'm afraid to tell him, but I know him well enough to know hes going through some sort of life crisis and sorting himself out and in general just really confused about life and everything. I know that if both of us are in the right time in life, I could absolutely trust him in a long distance relationship, and it would fly pretty well. At this moment though, definitely nothing would work.

But you are both right. I'll tell him how I feel someday... when the time is right, and we're not both in an unsettled, agitated state of life.

And if love finds either of us before then, so be it - but I hope more for his happiness than mine. I can take care of myself whatever happens, and I just want him to be happy.

Thanks for helping me sort it out! I'm grateful for this forum, and the people in it.

Last edited by island1; 01-01-2011 at 09:56 PM.

 
Old 01-01-2011, 10:58 PM   #7
Inactive
(female)
 
cryingforever's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: yorkshire, uk
Posts: 1,790
cryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB User
Re: friendships with the ex

now i have read more of the story in my opinion i think he just wants to be a friend. of course he will be nice to you thats what a friend does. i could be wrong he may well want/feel for you but like i say from an outsider i just think its friendship he wants. i know you feel for him and want to know what is going on his mind but until you both talk or something i don't think you should wait around to find out, i think you should move on from thinking 'ifs and buts' and trying to figure him out its not doing you any good as its leaving you confused and unsure. either talk to him maybe ask him by email so your not putting him on the spot in person OR let him go and think what he thinks ''it was a long time ago'' i mean that comment he said sounds like hes moved on. but again i could be wrong.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
In love in two weeks - is it possible? reba423 Relationship Health 18 05-17-2010 03:02 PM
Is it possible to never love again? frozenteardrop Relationship Health 10 05-15-2010 07:44 AM
I need advice... possible new relationship Donneal Relationship Health 1 10-27-2008 08:00 PM
Possible to go from "more than friends" to just "friends" and everything ok? Dang12 Relationship Health 11 08-22-2008 03:46 PM
excited about possible new love interest rosequartz Relationship Health 82 06-02-2008 07:27 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:35 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!