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Old 01-01-2011, 08:54 PM   #1
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Question 5 month relationship--advice needed

I have been dating Sean for almost 5 months. We both have some issues in regard to relationships, and we're taking the necessary steps to work them out. He's been seeing a therapist for over a month now, and I had my first appointment a couple weeks ago.

In the past I felt lied to and betrayed by my ex-boyfriend, and I can't help thinking Sean will do the same.

As far as I can tell, he has never given me any reason to feel like he would hurt me until a couple weeks ago. He told me about his last therapy session where his therapist recommended that he take some time to be single. He said that he wanted to be open and tell me what he was talking about in therapy, but hearing that there was even a possibility that we could one day break up left me feeling so incredibly hurt. He said that right now, he had no intention of ending things and that he was happy, but now each time I feel disappointed by him I automatically assume he'll end things or that he is pushing me away.

I realize I am sabotaging this relationship, but I don't know how to stop myself. We took a trip to Washington DC which was so much fun and I felt closer to him afterward, but in the past couple days since then he said he needs some "me" time or time with friends. We did spend 4 consecutive days together, with just the two of us and we were both exhausted when we got home. However, all I can think is that he is taking a step back and reconsidering being with me, which is very painful.

I have known that I am in love with him for the past 3 weeks, but I haven't been able to tell him. I want him to say it first, but the stress of holding it in and being afraid to let it slip is starting to get to me. Not to mention the fact that every time we argue or he doesn't say what I was hoping to hear, I feel like that is the reason he will break up with me. I can't seem to get what his therapist said out of my head.

One more small fact, he also can't call me his girlfriend. Which is partly why he is seeking help, I dont necessarily need the title, but I think I would feel a lot more secure in our relationship if I had it.

Am I just making myself go crazy and sabotaging my relationship to avoid getting hurt? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I love him so much and couldn't bear to lose him.

 
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Old 01-01-2011, 09:48 PM   #2
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Re: 5 month relationship--advice needed

I think it is understandable for been worried as you feel theres not enough stability and alot of uncertainty. He did say however that he has no intensions of leaving you so thats a good sign. The 'me' time dont worry too much about that as that is normal to have some time away from your partner doing your own thing and its good for you aswell to have some breathing space. the therapist will have suggested to him to have 'me' time as its really important in making progress for him, and/or your relationship. you both had a trip away that you both really enjoyed so from what i am seeing as an outsider that he IS wanting to be with you, just not glued to you. spending too much time together can be exhausting for anyone even the most loved up couple in the world. dont worry too much i think you two will be fine :-) just give him abit of space, also space makes people think about things, gives them a chance to miss there partner, it can come clear in there mind and they think ''wow shes really a decent person shes given me the breathing space and she respected that'' that way he will feel you respect him, trust him, care. also sometimes people who spend time apart do realise that single is been what they want. but wether you worry or not that is a risk you would have to take and certainly don't cling or nag its really off putting for people, not saying you are by the way lol just a little advice just incase you become clingy.

ok so you have problems in telling him you love him. my question is why? in a relationship people need to be truthful, be honest, talk about feelings it all comes down to communication. tell him lightly if you are worried. you could do a special dinner for him and you and tell him that way. there is nothing wrong with telling someone you love them it is very sweet, i doubt it will scare him off because your only telling him how you feel and its not like your clinging to him and he seems into you aswell.

Last edited by cryingforever; 01-01-2011 at 09:48 PM.

 
Old 01-02-2011, 01:14 AM   #3
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Re: 5 month relationship--advice needed

You've had issues in the past and it's understandable that it's not as easy for you to trust, but you need to consider the fact that you're dating a different person than the one who lied to you. Sean might or might not lie to you, might or might not hurt your feelings, but he's innocent until proven guilty. Keep that in mind.

You should also stop blaming yourself for sabotaging the relationship as that only distresses you more. You act like this because of what happened in the past, your ex didn't treat you very nicely and probably damaged your selfsteem, but he's the only one to blame. That's why you should remind yourself that you're a wonderful person that deserves to be loved and not pushed away or lied to. There's no reason why ANYONE would want you out of their life.

He's also been hurt in the past and probably needs that ''me'' time to think about his own stuff and whatnot. We sometimes need time to think and relax on our own or with friends as when we're with our significant other the guard is up, you know? Especially in early stages of a relationship. You try so hard to make everything's perfect and to please the other person that sometimes it's good to take a break. It's got nothing to do with you. You should see it as an indicator that he really cares about what you too have and works hard on it.

But I do think it was kind of blunt if he told you like that.

Anyhow, I hope this helped. Good luck!

 
Old 01-02-2011, 01:16 AM   #4
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Re: 5 month relationship--advice needed

You've had issues in the past and it's understandable that it's not as easy for you to trust, but you need to consider the fact that you're dating a different person than the one who lied to you. Sean might or might not lie to you, might or might not hurt your feelings, but he's innocent until proven guilty. Keep that in mind.

You should also stop blaming yourself for sabotaging the relationship as that only distresses you more. You act like this because of what happened in the past, your ex didn't treat you very nicely and probably damaged your selfsteem, but he's the only one to blame. That's why you should remind yourself that you're a wonderful person that deserves to be loved and not pushed away or lied to. There's no reason why ANYONE would want you out of their life.

He's also been hurt in the past and probably needs that ''me'' time to think about his own stuff and whatnot. We sometimes need time to think and relax on our own or with friends as when we're with our significant other the guard is up, you know? Especially in early stages of a relationship. You try so hard to make everything's perfect and to please the other person that sometimes it's good to take a break. It's healthy for the relationship and I don't think it has anything to do with pushing you away. You should see it as an indicator that he really cares about what you too have and works hard on it.

But I do think it was kind of blunt if he told you like that.

Anyhow, I hope this helped. Good luck!

 
Old 01-02-2011, 03:23 AM   #5
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Re: 5 month relationship--advice needed

Alot of people go through this exact thing.
Constantly worried about what your boyfriend/girlfriend are thinking and how they feel in the relationship. The best thing I can tell you would be to talk to him about how you're feeling. Be straight forward, but don't be too serious that he gets stressed out.
You may also be over-analyzing the situation. By how you described it seems like he's also in love with you.
It makes complete sense to feel like he's wanting to break away, when you have trust issues, like myself. You should ask him casually to talk, then ask him if he wants to seperate, and you could tell him you love him. It would probably bring you two closer.

Good luck!
-Maddy(:

 
Old 01-02-2011, 07:45 AM   #6
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Re: 5 month relationship--advice needed

The reason I am most nervous to say "I love you" is because I feel like he won't say it back. If he doesn't say it back, I want to wait until I'm alright with not hearing it back. I don't like to feel vulnerable and saying I love you, would make me feel incredibly vulnerable.

When we're together I can see that he cares a lot about me, I just dont know if he loves me.

Thank you for your responses, I know I overanalyze things. Its always good to get an outsiders perspective on things, so thank you again.

 
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Old 01-02-2011, 08:24 AM   #7
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Re: 5 month relationship--advice needed

If he's unable to call you his girlfriend then he might have an even bigger problem with telling you he loves you, even if he does. Men also have issues with insecurity, feeling vulnerable and scared. He could be expecting you to not say it back, or to tell him you don't feel as strongly as he does. Just be aware that if you're just waiting for him to say it you might have a long wait. If holding it in is going to be a problem for you, then tell him. His reaction could tell you how he feels about you, and if it's not good then surely it's better to know now.

 
Old 01-02-2011, 10:08 AM   #8
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Re: 5 month relationship--advice needed

Maybe he shouldn't have been on a dating website if he was in therapy for his issues with intimacy and relationships?

That being said, you can't interfere with his therapy to satisfy your needs. People in therapy need to focus on themselves for a while until they are healthy. You can either be patient with him or you have to decide you don't want to wait, and date someone else. And telling him "I love you" is kind of counterproductive to his therapy if he's trying to deal with relationship issues. He needs to be about him right now, so extra pressure isn't going to help him. Either accept that this will take time or end it, if waiting is not for you.

 
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