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Old 01-02-2011, 03:45 PM   #1
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Question What to do with him?

Hi

I'm 26 and I have been in a 4 yr relationship with Joe . It will be 5 years in July 21st 2011.

Well Im engaged now since May 21st 2010, and my fiance and I suppose to get married march 26th 2011.
However, as of last week he said he needed space . He said he is on his personal journey and doesnt want to tell me whats truly wrong with him.

I feel hurt and I wonder if my relationship is at its end. I dont know if to break things off , such as the engagement, cause it breaks my heart that my fiance cannot confide in me, or solve problems together. How can a marriage work if we dont communicate our problems or feelings to each other?

He said he feels like a failure, he dont know if he can fulfil the husband role. The wedding was orginally Jan 29th but HE pushed it to March 26th so we could have more time preparing, now he wants to push it back again (he hasnt confirmed this, but I KNOW ) ,he says that he loves me and wants to marry me.

I just dont know what to do about him. He has left me feeling uncertain about our relationship and future marriage, It hurts because I love him so. The plans for wedding is at a standstil

 
Old 01-02-2011, 04:54 PM   #2
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Re: What to do with him?

sounds like he is fearing marriage and maybe getting cold feet and not ready for that type of committment maybe them fears are making him feel depressed and doesnt want to show incase he hurts your feelings, or till hes sure within himself or maybe just a typical guy who doesnt do communication that well alot of men can't or won't talk about feelings. i completely understand how you feel, the uncertainty, the marriage put offs must be exhausting for you emotionally. you two need space to think about where you want to go with eachother and what you both want and need out of life.

 
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Old 01-03-2011, 07:17 AM   #3
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Re: What to do with him?

let him go, that's the best thing you can do......

 
Old 01-03-2011, 03:15 PM   #4
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Re: What to do with him?

After much debate and your advice, I decided to call off the engagement because I DO NOT want to marry a guy that is uncertain where he stands. I already told my family and my BFF.

However, when I told him, he said how I could of made such a decision without consulting him and what lead me to it and the reason he wanted some time was to find out whats wrong with him and not to make rash decisions like what I did.

He asked for us to FINALLY talk about it so that we can be on the same grounds and that his feelings have never changed, "i love u very much, still love u"

This has put me in such a weird place now. I don't know what to do? Call off the engagement completely or give him a chance by just postponing it?

All this time he wanted space and only NOW he wants to talk!!!!

 
Old 01-03-2011, 03:30 PM   #5
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Re: What to do with him?

You did the right thing. Tell him that you realize he is having some kind of issue and apparently the upcoming wedding was making him uneasy, so you took that stress out of the situation. Breaking an engagement is better in the long run in case for some reason it doesn't actually work out. At least you can walk away a lot easier than if you were married and had to go through a divorce (which is a lot harder, believe me!!).

Breaking the engagement doesn't mean you don't love him, make sure he understands that. It just means that you have done a lot of thinking about it and consulting with other people about the situation, and you have realized that it's probably for the best at this time not to talk about marriage because he just can't handle it alright now.

However, I do caution you against staying with him for too long without the promise of marriage at some point. If your ultimate goal is to get married some day and have a family, then you can't waste too much of your time with a guy who may never be ready. If more than a year passes and he still isn't sure, then I would say, break it off. You can't wait forever for him.

 
Old 01-03-2011, 06:31 PM   #6
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Re: What to do with him?

First, you were very strong to take that step.

Secondly, it was the right thing if for no other reason than to reach him. It sounds like he's ready to talk now. Let him, and listen to what he says.
I completely agree that it's important to make sure he understands that this was not a decision made because your feeling for him had changed, but because he was not sharing his feelings with you. You had to make a decision.

It seems the two of you need to take some time and talk. Are there relationship councilors in your area? Would he go talk to someone a two or three times to air things out? Cover the two of your expectations?

Good luck to you. As I said, I found your actions to be those of a very strong woman. I admire you having that strength.

 
Old 01-03-2011, 07:36 PM   #7
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Re: What to do with him?

Why did it take you breaking the engagement to get him motivated to talk to you?

My SIL waited for a guy for TEN YEARS who kept saying he wasn't ready to get married. When she finally got smart and dumped him she was in her middle 30s. Really sad that she wasted so much time.

This guy needs to poop or get off the pot and let you get on with your life if he isn't going to step up.

 
Old 01-03-2011, 10:39 PM   #8
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Re: What to do with him?

say to him ''i thought you was getting cold feet about the wedding so i thought we could postpone it till you are ready but i didnt know you wasnt thinking of calling off the wedding or engagment because it was diffacult to talk to you about things''. if i was you , see what his response is then leave the 'marriage/engagement talk' till later on maybe talk about it again when he brings it up or in a few week. concerntrate on helping him get better by giving him space or be there for him if he wants you to support him. dont feel bad for calling off the wedding/engagement , you arent a mind reader so you werent to know if he was not talking much about anything. i agree with the other posters he should of spoke to you instead of leaving you confused and getting you to a point of calling it off. communication is really important in a relationship and super important if your making a commitment forever.

good luck (((hugs)))

 
Old 01-04-2011, 04:36 AM   #9
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Re: What to do with him?

You didn't make a rash decision. He has to understand that he can't keep postponing the wedding indefinitely, you made the right decision.

As for giving him another chance, how do you feel about the relationship and being with him? What's he like in other areas in his life, as indecisive as he was about getting married?

Now he appears willing to talk, get him to talk. Decide from there whether or not you are willing to give him one last chance. If you do, and he does it again, be prepared to walk away, don't keep giving him last chances.

 
Old 01-05-2011, 04:30 PM   #10
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Re: What to do with him?

Thanks all. Great advice was given.

Through lengthy discussions. Joe and I have decided to still be together. However, 2011 for me, will be the year to reflect on our relationship and if he is ready for marriage. In 2012 that time of reflection will be over . I'm not waiting for ANYMAN to solidify our commitment to one another.

We will be going for spiritual advice and counseling. This may open HIS EYES as well as MINE. I think is very important for us to to this.

I understood why he needed space and wanted to postpone the wedding. Before I didn't know why, because he is a POOR communicator I believe now he knows not to do that AGAIN! He got pretty scared by me wanting to cancel the engagement.

I did told him he needs to state his problems and communicate them to me, because if there are problems in the marriage how could we last? Communication works hand in hand with marriage. This he will try to improve and try his best at talking to me about his problems.

What was really bothering for him was the fact that he couldn't provide for his future family as he wanted to and give me the best. His financial goal for the end of 2010 was not meet. He changed jobs recently and it set him back. I definitely took the stress out of the situation by deciding to cancel the engagement but he doesn't want it cancel or to break-up but to postpone it for 2012 and that 2011 would be the year to recoup more financial so that he could be more comfortable and not worry financially, especially if an emergency arises.

We both are pooling our resources to construct our home but for his part he thinks its an impossible task to do both and have the wedding in March.

I do have ways to combat this, I'm a person who can stretch a $1 to its max. He's quite different. lol. I do have alot of family support and great friends. This was also another thing he was battling with, is his support base. He isn't getting the support and love from his family that he desires. Advice was given where he needs to talk to them seriously and not in a joking manner so that problems can be resolved. COMMUNICATE!!!

So I'm sticking by him, with a lil scolding from my mouth. I had to be realistic and harsh with him. That we are partners and we need to help each other in need, be it how big or small.

I still have his ring but in the box, I told him he needs to ask me again to marry him because I do not feel proud or comfortable in wearing "the ring". I will feel comfortable knowing that he is ready and we could progress. RING IS OFF!!!

As stated earlier, 2011 is the time to reflect and see if this future marriage / relationship can withstand the test of time. Who likes getting divorce? Noone!!!!! Things in the dark does always come to light. My relationship with him will be closely watched. I do love him but sometimes hard decisions needs to be made when you realize that its not meant to be. I know I'm strong. Most women tend to be.

Again, Thanks all...... great advice was given.
Akilah

 
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Old 01-05-2011, 05:48 PM   #11
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Re: What to do with him?

I really like the idea of him asking you again for marriage. Knowing he's ready and still wants you enough to do that will help to take away the sting of what you've gone through. All the best for your future.

 
Old 04-11-2011, 04:19 PM   #12
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Re: What to do with him?

Hi all, I know this is an old post.

Just to update.

I broke off the relationship early March. It was a very tough decision to make.
I believe I'm a blessed individual where I was seeing signs that this wasn't the same guy I fell in love with. I know my worth and when a guy stop putting you 1st, spending less time with you & is CONFUSED something is definitely wrong.

Today was the day, I came to terms with my decision, because I was hoping in the back of my mind that he will come back to his senses.

I'm hurting each day, sometimes I'm sad and sometimes cry. I wake up every morning thinking about him and always do pray for him that he find himself back into the Lord.

I was blinded then but now I see by the grace of God, that I'm not married now (wedding date was March 26th). BONUS - I was also fortunate of a refund on my wedding dress!!! ( only the Lord knows how that happened).

Ladies KNOW YOUR WORTH and DON'T SETTLE . Marriage is a covenant before God and I take it very seriously, where I want to spend the rest of my life with my soul mate.

Love hurts its even scary, but I'm glad that I am finally seeing myself through

 
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Old 04-12-2011, 06:34 AM   #13
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Re: What to do with him?

Akilah thanks for the update, and I support your decision. You are so smart and so strong, and you know your worth.....that's the problem with a lot of women, they don't know their worth, they settle, and then they are miserable. I applaud you for your inner strength and your wisdom. You definately made the right move. I wish you all the best in everything!

 
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