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Old 01-03-2011, 01:23 AM   #1
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Help! Cannot protect parents from sister.

My youngest sister has always been my parents favorite. She got everything she wanted. Now at 53, she is the most rotten person alive and her children are the same. She crys to mom and dad for money if she can't pay her mortgage, or asked for private school tuition, to buy uniforms and books. She asked for a $200.00 ukelele because one of her daughters wanted to play with the school band to perform on the mainland. Her oldest daughter ask also for money to pay her charge card bills, phone bills etc. My dad even co-signed her a car which she totaled and couldn't make the back payments, the bank went after my dad for $16,000. This 31 yr. old niece beat up my parents favorite dog because the dog snarled at her cat, the dog died a week later and my parents didn't do anything. I'm so stressed out and cannot do a thing.

 
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Old 01-03-2011, 03:07 AM   #2
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Re: Help! Cannot protect parents from sister.

Unless your parents have asked for your help, there is really nothing you can do. Clearly they have allowed this state of affairs to continue, and they may have their own reasons to do this. It is hard to watch this happen, I know, but it is unrealistic to think that your parents are unaware of what is going on. If your parents are not of sound mind, then you may be able to get legal help, but otherwise it is their money and they have every right to use it as they see fit. Your first sentence says a lot about your perception of the situation. Would they give you money if you asked for it? Sera

 
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Old 01-03-2011, 11:22 PM   #3
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Re: Help! Cannot protect parents from sister.

what a evil niece that behaviours disgusting to hurt a dog over snarling. sorry i had to say that. as for your parents unless they stop doing everything for them there is nothing you can do. maybe try talk to them but in these sort of situations i doubt anything will be done. how are you parents feeling and coping?

 
Old 01-04-2011, 11:38 AM   #4
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Re: Help! Cannot protect parents from sister.

I'm sorry, I think the thing that most disturbed me was the niece beating up the dog... to death! For snarling at her cat! Snarling, hissing, growling, barking, meowing-- that's how animals communicate. You can always consult the local ASPCA (or whatever equivalent) to see what options there are, if any at this point. Actions have consequences.
As for your parents, honestly, unless they've complained to you, there's nothing you can really do. Maybe I missed it, but I didn't see anything in your post that suggests they are stressed out from this situation. I understand that as the first born (assuming here) you feel that you need to protect your parents-- but if they are not asking for your protection, I think you are causing yourself a lot of unnecessary stress over this.

 
Old 01-04-2011, 04:01 PM   #5
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Re: Help! Cannot protect parents from sister.

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Originally Posted by PrincessSweetNS View Post
I'm sorry, I think the thing that most disturbed me was the niece beating up the dog... to death! For snarling at her cat! Snarling, hissing, growling, barking, meowing-- that's how animals communicate. You can always consult the local ASPCA (or whatever equivalent) to see what options there are, if any at this point. Actions have consequences.
As for your parents, honestly, unless they've complained to you, there's nothing you can really do. Maybe I missed it, but I didn't see anything in your post that suggests they are stressed out from this situation. I understand that as the first born (assuming here) you feel that you need to protect your parents-- but if they are not asking for your protection, I think you are causing yourself a lot of unnecessary stress over this.
Thanks for replying. There is 5 of us. The youngest is the one that is spoiled beyond reason. I am the middle one and the only caregiver of my parents, they are old and very sickly. All my other siblings live on another island, the youngest and her children come only to get money which my parents live on social security. My parents will not back me up and tell me not the stir trouble for my sister. My sister is the only one who uses foul language and has no repect for anyone. She has even made mom cry in public many times by yelling at her, but my parents seems to quickly overlook her temper.

Last edited by 4Maui; 01-04-2011 at 04:15 PM.

 
Old 01-04-2011, 04:10 PM   #6
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Re: Help! Cannot protect parents from sister.

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what a evil niece that behaviours disgusting to hurt a dog over snarling. sorry i had to say that. as for your parents unless they stop doing everything for them there is nothing you can do. maybe try talk to them but in these sort of situations i doubt anything will be done. how are you parents feeling and coping?
Thanks for your reply. The dog was a beautiful white spitz and was very loving. My father was terribly sad, but they seemed to close their eyes about what happened. They told me not to make trouble because my niece will have a bad reputation and will not get a good job anymore.

 
Old 01-04-2011, 04:18 PM   #7
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Re: Help! Cannot protect parents from sister.

Any chance your parents would sign you over as power of attorney or guardian of their estate? That way, nothing can get taken from them unless you give permission as well? I am not sure what this is called exactly since they are living, but perhaps you can get your name on their bank account to help control their money.
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Old 01-04-2011, 04:26 PM   #8
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Unless your parents have asked for your help, there is really nothing you can do. Clearly they have allowed this state of affairs to continue, and they may have their own reasons to do this. It is hard to watch this happen, I know, but it is unrealistic to think that your parents are unaware of what is going on. If your parents are not of sound mind, then you may be able to get legal help, but otherwise it is their money and they have every right to use it as they see fit. Your first sentence says a lot about your perception of the situation. Would they give you money if you asked for it? Sera
Thank you for your reply. I could not even think of it asking for money. It is their own hard working money they earned and deserve to enjoy every penny of it. My other siblings have had hard times but they make due and have never asked money from them. My older sister asked my father if he could give me gas money now and then because I'm taking care of them (my father can no longer drive). My father said, "He has nothing to give me." That's ok with me, no hard feelings. I took a two hour job a day at a Day Care (2:30 am. to 4:30 am.) and I'm back before my parents gets up, my father needs 24 hr. care, that's enough to pay for car insurance, gas and personal things.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Belly Kelly View Post
Any chance your parents would sign you over as power of attorney or guardian of their estate? That way, nothing can get taken from them unless you give permission as well? I am not sure what this is called exactly since they are living, but perhaps you can get your name on their bank account to help control their money.
Thank you for your reply. I do have power of attorney for my mom, my older sister has one for my dad. My youngest spoiled sister will get her way somehow. If my sister can't get my mom on the phone for some days, she will call the police and make up a story. My parents have 8 grandchildren and 3 great grandchildren. Only my spoiled sister and her 4 children will cause trouble if we get in their way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Belly Kelly View Post
Any chance your parents would sign you over as power of attorney or guardian of their estate? That way, nothing can get taken from them unless you give permission as well? I am not sure what this is called exactly since they are living, but perhaps you can get your name on their bank account to help control their money.
Hi again, I forgot to mention about the bank account. I don't think it would matter if my name would be on the account. When my youngest sister and niece come to visit mom, they will always take her out and bring her to the bank and get the money. I notice the withdrawal in the statements on the day they come to visit. I know I cannot do a thing. I guess I'm venting my frustrations here. A man gave my niece $20.00 at a Restaurant once because he thought my niece was so nice to take her grandmother out for breakfast... my niece did not tell him grandma paid for breakfast with her own money, she took the money and laughed at home about it. Sooo evil like her mother.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 01-04-2011 at 06:18 PM.

 
Old 01-04-2011, 05:26 PM   #9
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Re: Help! Cannot protect parents from sister.

4Maui,

Hello, I am sorry that you are going through this...I have had a similar situation going on with my sister and my parents. You never saw such a thoughtless person in your life, everything she did turned into a huge mess, and my parents always came to her rescue, Much of it was to save face for themselves, as they felt everything she did reflected on them.

At a certain point, the things she was doing were subject to the laws protecting elders from abuse, either monetary, emotional or physical. I called her in, and my parents were contacted. Although my parents were very embarrassed, it was determined that my parents needed some counseling to protect themselves from my sister. It was also determined that my sister was a sociopath.

Within a year, my parents removed my sister from the will, sold the house they had been provided for her (she was 51 year sold) and basically cut her off.

You could check in to your local department of human services, look up "elder abuse" if this is something that you think might be helpful to your parents. I know how upsetting it is to have one family member who thinks they deserve more than they do, especially considering the frail condition that they are in. Bless you for taking car of them,

Janet

 
Old 01-04-2011, 05:32 PM   #10
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Re: Help! Cannot protect parents from sister.

Having received more information about your parents' circumstances, I can see you are right to be so concerned. You and your other siblings have done all the right things, but while your parents will not back you up your hands are tied. I have stopped believing in "what goes around comes around" about these types of people; I have seen so many of them prosper without a care in the world while their victims are just hammered emotionally. It is horrible to watch but the only people who can stop it are your parents and they are never going to. They are probably scared of that niece too. Sera.

 
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Old 01-04-2011, 05:36 PM   #11
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Re: Help! Cannot protect parents from sister.

Such a sad situation.

Unfortunately you are right about the bank account. Unless your parents allowed you guardianship, there's not a lot you can do. While it's just a POA, they also have full ownership of their accounts and can do what they want.

I agree that checking into what resources are available through senior organizations might be very helpful.

Is your sister married? Just wondering if she has a marital partner in crime.

 
Old 01-04-2011, 07:04 PM   #12
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Re: Help! Cannot protect parents from sister.

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Such a sad situation.

Unfortunately you are right about the bank account. Unless your parents allowed you guardianship, there's not a lot you can do. While it's just a POA, they also have full ownership of their accounts and can do what they want.

I agree that checking into what resources are available through senior organizations might be very helpful.

Is your sister married? Just wondering if she has a marital partner in crime.
This is my sister's second marriage. She once bragged to me 20 yrs. ago, that her husband is a computer hacker and looks into peoples accounts. He did get into trouble with emblezzelment. I don't know the outcome of this. My sister got her degree by online university and her husband took her tests and one of her smart daughters did her homework, the two make a pair and I don't want to do anthing with them. I can only pray for peace in the family and share my frustrations and not worry about retaliations this way out.

 
Old 01-04-2011, 07:26 PM   #13
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Re: Help! Cannot protect parents from sister.

Good choice to stay away from her, have no conversations, and do not give her any chance to become angered at you. She has nothing good to offer, and sounds possibly dangerous. I had to completely cut off my only sister from me and my children. She had nothing that I wanted anywhere near me, or in my life. Ber thankful for the other good sisters and brothers you have. I have no sister anymore, never an auntie, or any nephews or nieces. That leaves a huge hole in my heart, because I wanted those things so much.

Your parents know who is who, and that your sister is horrible. They certainly know that you are working in the middle of the night in order to care for them. Your sister has likely broken their hearts, and they are dealing with it the best way they can.

You will have you time for watching your sister fall after your dear parents are not there to bail her out anymore. Of course, no one wishes harm on their own siblings. I know I don't, but once they have done so much damage, it is theirs to repair.If it is too late, it is theirs to deal with too. That is true justice.

 
Old 01-04-2011, 07:36 PM   #14
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Re: Help! Cannot protect parents from sister.

Quote:
Originally Posted by writeleft View Post
4Maui,

Hello, I am sorry that you are going through this...I have had a similar situation going on with my sister and my parents. You never saw such a thoughtless person in your life, everything she did turned into a huge mess, and my parents always came to her rescue, Much of it was to save face for themselves, as they felt everything she did reflected on them.

At a certain point, the things she was doing were subject to the laws protecting elders from abuse, either monetary, emotional or physical. I called her in, and my parents were contacted. Although my parents were very embarrassed, it was determined that my parents needed some counseling to protect themselves from my sister. It was also determined that my sister was a sociopath.

Within a year, my parents removed my sister from the will, sold the house they had been provided for her (she was 51 year sold) and basically cut her off.

You could check in to your local department of human services, look up "elder abuse" if this is something that you think might be helpful to your parents. I know how upsetting it is to have one family member who thinks they deserve more than they do, especially considering the frail condition that they are in. Bless you for taking car of them,

Janet
Thank you for your response. I'm learning more and more that there's more people with similar experiences and that I'm not alone feeling hopeless. My sister did call the human services on me already because I wouldn't pass the phone calls of her to my mom. My mom answers that phone only when she is close to the phone, otherwise she cannot hear it and if I see the caller ID is her, I just don't answer it. She told them that I am locking my mom up at home and don't let her get any calls. I take my mom everywhere I go and twice a week to senior community activities. If she does not want to follow me, I'll go out for 1 or 2 hrs the most to shop or take a Tai-Chi class (she loves to watch the class). If my mom anwers her calls, me mom will disappear in her bedroom and close the door. I called my older sister because I was so hurt that my younger sister was trying to make my life so miserable with the call to the Human Services. My older sister called them up and backed me up. They told her and everything is fine and they checked on my mother and my mom told them that she's fine and nothings wrong. My younger sister will never stop making trouble as long as I'm taking care of my parents. My other siblings cannot take care of mom because of working situations and other family commitments. We all do not trust my younger sister and her childrens to take care of our parents. My mom asked my niece if she would take care of grandpa (he had a colostromy operation and has many other health problems) and she said "I'll take care of his money only".

 
Old 01-04-2011, 07:58 PM   #15
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Re: Help! Cannot protect parents from sister.

You are a wonderful daughter, and you are not alone. We are always here to listen. Keeping all this inside is not healthy for you, so please let it all out and you will feel better. We are here for you.

 
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