I am just not sure what to do here...About 10 months ago I moved FROM the south to live with my boyfriend and his parents until we found a place. Overall, everything is peachy...but when it comes to my boyfriend's idea of luxury and ideal rent, we disagree. I have rented since my teenage years. Never had any rent issues and was always able to pay my bills. I stayed within budget and within reason of what I could afford - even if it was not all I "dreamed of".
However, my boyfriend is the opposite in some aspects. He is very good with the money he does make from his job. He saves the majority of it and knows his finances to a t. I love this about him - but now that we have started discussing moving out, he only dreams of the best - which we cannot afford within the area he dreams of living in. Rent in the area he wants to live (outside of his parent's), is 3-4x what I am used to paying when I lived on my own. He is looking at apartments that are WAY out of our reach and locations that it seems only the rich can afford. He looks at apartments with granite counter tops, great views, updated kitchens...etc. When I mention it is too expensive for us to even slightly afford, he gets upset at me and says (example) "I don't think 2 grand a month is that expensive"....He thinks utilities will be cheap, and wants to keep a car in an area that charges hundreds per month just to park it, where many residents do not even own vehicles.
Bottom line is, is we just cannot afford the areas he wants to live in. It is unrealistic. Last night, he made suggestions that I combine some of my money into his savings so we can "save up" more. I save all of my money other than what I NEED to spend to pay my bills. On top of that, while looking at apartments, he put more pressure on me, arguing that I should have started back up my other business that I had in the South. I tried explaining to him that I can't right now - until we move, as I would build up a clientele, then have to quit and start from scratch again, get new permits and own another vehicle which I would eventually sell since where he wants to move does not require owning a vehicle and spending hundreds just to park it. Economically, it makes no sense at all. I am not comfortable starting a business I would need to work hard on, and then quit in a few months.
I work from home now, and we make approx. the same amount of money, but lately I feel as though he is putting more pressure on me so he can live in his dream apartment. As selfish as it sounds, these things are NOT my dreams. I don't want to spend all my money on rent and never be able to leave the house. (or worse, face financial trouble and have him blame me for not making enough money from my business).
Part of me wants to make him happy and even try looking for a job where he wants to live (which is far out of the way). The other half of me, I guess - is selfish and realizes that his dreams and fantasies are not mine. When I try and talk about him making sacrifices, he loudly states he refuses to live in a dump. I feel as though I have no say what so ever. He has never rented in his life and I am afraid he is in for a rude awakening if and when he jumps to the top.
I just do not know anymore on how I can approach this situation with a stubborn person....
Last edited by Administrator; 01-16-2011 at 12:16 AM.
It sounds like your bf has never lived on his own (sorry, just skimmed through the last part)?
Bottom line is if you can't afford it, you don't really need to justify it - you just can't. In my city, a lot of people don't own cars and I pay around $3000 a month for a SMALL apartment to have the luxury of living close to work and a brand new apartment. HOWEVER - for years, while I waited for raises, etc at work, I had to budget like mad - couldn't join some friends on vacations, couldn't go out or shop as much as I wanted to, sometimes I couldn't afford groceries, etc. These are things your bf will have to think of if he wants to rent out of budget. And what if some unexpected expense comes up and you guys have no rainy day fund cause its all going to extra rent?
And - the novelty of a really nice apartment wears off when you are stuck in it because you can't afford to do anything.
Have you seen that show on the home renovation/property selling channel (called HL...something I think? I don't have a television but I watch that channel at the gym) there is a show that presents to potential renters 3 properties. The renters give the agent their wish list (large, large kitchen, 2 bathroom, dishwasher, etc whatever) and the agent pretty much always finds three properties - but usually none that meet the wish list completely. And the renters have to choose one at the end. It kind of slaps the 'fantasy' syndrome (that your bf has) back to reality for some people.
Recently, a young couple was on, first time living together, his first time liv ing on his own, and they ended up sacrificing a new posh apartment that was small for a visibly older (ie outdated), larger space.
The host did some interior design work for under 1000 (new paint, a few new pieces a furniture etc) and the place looked great.
Maybe you can get your bf to watch the show?
I would hold your ground here. You are the experienced one when it comes to living on your own, he sounds really naive about this. I would definitely make a list of all he'd have to give up to afford the place he wants, make him watch that show for some perspective, and when you find a place you can afford, maybe get some magazines on designing for apartments / apartment-sized spaces to do some cosmetic updates.
good luck, stay strong. Don't put yourself into debt for this.
oh and PS I can't imagine stressing about money when you 2 live on your own will bode well on your relationship...wrong foot to start off on if u ask me....
First, I would not move in with him. This has disaster written all over it if you do! I can already see the tons and tons of fights over money that will happen if you do!
Second, there is a name for people who buy or rent homes they can't afford. We call them "house poor", because all of their money is tied up into the house and because they have no money, all they can afford is a junky car in the driveway of this beautiful expensive house.
You are totally right and he is completely and totally wrong. You have experience with living on your own, renting, paying bills, etc. He has been living with mommy and daddy so he has zero concept of how hard it actually is, until you actually have to pay that rent or that mortgage.
If you can't come up with an agreement then you will have to live apart. There is nothing else you can do. I don't see why you need to live with him anyway unless you were engaged and getting married soon. People are way too quick to move in together, mostly women do this and trap themselves in a situation with a boyfriend who ends up being a total loser. There are at least 5 of them posting on this board right now, just read how sad and miserable they are living with these worthless boyfriends who treat the like crap but they can't leave cause they live there and have nowhere to go? Don't let that happen to you! Don't be one of them!
You can still be in a relationship and not live together. There is no law that says you must live together or else. And furthermore, whatever you do, don't put Your money into any joint account!! Huge huge mistake!! You guys aren't married, he has no claim over your money at all, so don't let him force you into that!!! That is how a lot of women get themselves into trouble, and then they move in together and then everything goes down the toilet. Don't do it.
i wouldnt move in with him. hes trying to control you into something you can't do. whatever you do say NO your not been selfish at all you are living in the REAL world where as hes living in fantasy world. he is trying to make you feel bad for not agreeing to what he says which is wrong he is not thinking of how you feel its all about him and what he wants and what he needs. stand your ground even if he starts sulking or spitting his dummy out. you got 2 choices, togo along with it cause yourself so much stress and mess about and not much of a life because of this 'luxury' house or stick to saying no to him and have best of both worlds a nice affordable home and a LIFE aswell
You are not being selfish at all. I wouldn't even begin to know how to deal with him. I see a lot of problems here where the person is given the advice to end the relationship and I don't agree. But this is one area where I would have to strongly consider walking away. If you have relocated for him it will be difficult, I know. But money issues are deadly to a relationship to begin with and when it's because one person is draining the other person dry, you might as well end it now rather than later. This is assuming he has no desire to change his demands.
It doesn't sound like there's any way to reason with him. I'm thinking a normal person could be challenged to open another account and deposit into it each month the amount it would take to support the life he's imaging he can afford. If he can live happily on what's left over, then maybe he's right but with the wrong girl. I suspect he's not right and would be lucky to listen to your voice of reason.
I'm wondering too...has he ever lived on his own? It doesn't sound like he has, at least not without someone supporting him along the way.
Is he not willing to compromise at all? Have you sat with him and worked out exactly how much you would be paying out each month to live his lifestyle? Including everything you'd need to buy including groceries etc and leaving enough to save for emergencies.
I would suggest you do not start adding your money to his savings, especially if it's only in his name. I also think you should not move in with him until he realizes that his dreams are out of his reach at this point. You don't want to end up with huge debts because he wants to live beyond your means.
It's better to start off small and work your way up without getting into a financial mess on the way, than to start of big and have the whole thing come crashing down and leaving you with a pile of debts.
Sit down with him and make a budget. Take your combined take home pay, and no more than a third of that goes to rent (I say a fourth, but that's not always possible). Then budget for all other expenses, and then there'll be no reason to argue at all. What you can afford is what you can afford, period. Maybe he just needs to see it in black and white.
And by NO means put your money in his savings account!!! You can both put your money in a joint account with both your names on it that requires both signatures for withdrawals, but other than that, don't do it.
Sounds like a very immature young man. Let him do it on his own first. He'll be back with his parents in no time. You sound very mature and level headed and you certainly don't need a "child" to take care of. Best of luck!
All your instincts are correct. Stick to your guns. After all, what is wrong with a little cottage somewhere with some nice neighbors and a shopping center nearby? Happiness does not come from "stuff". I would be quite worried if I were you. Is this the first you have seen of his immaturity?
This guy is clueless of what it takes to live in the REAL WORLD. He needs to move out and pay bill on his own and learn a thing or two! It seems like you have already learned but he HAS NOT and you cannot allow him to destroy your finances!
Thanks everyone. No, he has never lived on his own. His parents are well off. The plan was to stay with his parents for a short time and save some money. He was expecting to get this job, but took another one instead. Because of it, we are at his parents. I don't have an issue living with his parents, but I don't feel it is fair to them either (even though they act as if they never want us to leave) and I think it's only right we find our own place. I miss having my own place, my own things, etc. They have been extremely generous. But where he wants to live, we just cannot afford. He is great at budgeting. However, my income is not steady (I work from home) and whenever he figures in the budget, he comes back to me, urging me to perhaps start up another business to make more. I definitely do not have any issue contributing, but I am so worried I wont be able to afford his fantasy living. If he has any financial troubles, he will just go to his parents who will bail him out. I don't like this at all. Part of me is just terrified. I am not used to living in an area that charges thousands in rent per month. With 700-800 a month I used to be able to afford an entire home in a wonderful neighborhood and a huge backyard with all appliances. Where we are now is just outrageous. He constantly brings up the fact that the quality of life is better and there's more to do, even if we do live in a shoebox...true, but after all the money spent on rent, how will my quality of life suffice then?
Another argument we had was over a washer/dryer. he told me that most places he looked at do not have them in the apartments. But when I looked, I saw otherwise. Many had them in the apartments. The only reason he wouldn't choose one that did, is because he didn't like the cabinets in the kitchen, etc or where the washer and dryer was located (he has OCD). My boyfriend is CONSTANTLY doing his laundry - sometimes up to 2x-3x a day which I never understood since he rarely changes clothes. I can already see what's going to happen - he will want a top floor apartment with a view and I will be hauling his laundry back and forth several times a day while he's at work. Yet, another expense because he insists on washing every piece of clothing as it becomes dirty. I am by no means lazy, but I can't understand why someone would not want a washer and dryer in their apartment if they had the option....
From everything you have written so far, I think you need to seriously think about whether you want to continue in this relationship. You need to think about whether you can stand to continually have these issues pop up, if you can live with the things you are stating here. He is not going to change; and he will likely get worse at some things once he is living in his own place without his parents around to pay the bills.
Think long and hard: Can you live with this guy AS HE IS for the rest of your life?
tell me if i'm wrong but staying with him you would be living your life for him and his way. hes not considering you, its all ''i want'', ''i need''. i personally could not be with someone like that it would drive me insane. you both dont sound right for eachother, he seems to be self centred and greedy and aims too high and you want a easy simple life. if you stay with him though i would consider living apart so you get your life and home the way you want it and he gets to do whatever he wants with his luxury needs.