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Old 01-06-2011, 09:07 PM   #1
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Is he ever going to marry me?

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years. We are 27 and 25 (him being the younger age). When we got together he was 18 and I was 21. We both, at the time, wanted to just be crazy and have fun. Marriage was not even in sight, nor were children. I am now 27 and have yet to have a ring on my finger. I feel incredibly, utterly different about the marriage (and children) prospect now. I want him to ask me to marry him and I want to say yes. I want us to have children in a couple years. I want all of that. He knows it and does not feel the same way. He wants to be with me, but the idea of marriage somehow freaks him out. I don't understand why it is so scary, considering we are basically married, without the rings and the legal obligation. We live together, share finances, credit cards, everything. Big decisions are made together and he has put me through college. He is now going through college and is almost done. We are doing all the things we wanted, but I am not 100% happy. I am very depressed that he does not want to commit to me and give me what I want. He has purchased a new gun for himself and two brand new TV's for our place, but not a ring in sight. When our friends get engaged, get married, have children it really depresses me. I should feel happy for them, instead I wonder why I am not worth all that to him. Every single one of the men I have ever dated in my life are married or engaged. Most of my friends are married and working on children and here I am in limbo. He knows what I want and yet...he is basically refusing to give it to me. I know that sounds selfish, but at this point all I can see is that I am not worth it to him and I am not the person he would do anything for. Besides packing up and leaving, what else can I do?

 
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Old 01-06-2011, 09:37 PM   #2
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Re: Is he ever going to marry me?

You're not selfish at all but you want something different than what he does. You can't wait for him forever because the older you get, the harder it is to have kids and the more likely for pregnancy problems.

If he hasn't asked you to marry him in 6 years then chances are he never will. But it's not you, it's him, 100%. And then what will end up happening is that he will marry the very next girl he dates because by that time, he will be ready. That doesn't mean you should stay with him, it means that he - like all other guys - would rather pass up being with an awesome girl such as yourself because he's not ready, and subsequently marry some sub-standard person he randomly meets at some point just because then he'll be ready then. It's such a stupid thing but it happens literally all the time! It's not because you're doing anything wrong, you are just ready to get married and he isn't, end of chapter. He will never be ready with you because you're not at the right place at the right time for him. Guys don't think the way we do about marriage, it's the fundamental problem with male/female relationships but there is no way around it, unfortunately.

I think you should keep yourself available for the guy who does want to marry you because he will be the lucky one and this guy will be the one who made the huge mistake by not marrying you when he had the opportunity. It will be his loss!

 
Old 01-06-2011, 10:18 PM   #3
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Re: Is he ever going to marry me?

from what i can see you both want different things out of life. he wants to stay partners but you want to be married and settle down with children. hate to break this to you but he most likely won't marry you. after 6 years together and hes still refusing the chances arent good. what has he said about having children? and no your not been selfish we all have our 'wants' and 'needs' its normal. i think you have to work out what you want and either accept him as he is and face the possibility of never been husband and wife and no children OR leave him and find someone more suitable for you.

 
Old 01-06-2011, 11:24 PM   #4
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Re: Is he ever going to marry me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by tattooedgirly View Post
My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years. We are 27 and 25 (him being the younger age). When we got together he was 18 and I was 21. We both, at the time, wanted to just be crazy and have fun. Marriage was not even in sight, nor were children. I am now 27 and have yet to have a ring on my finger. I feel incredibly, utterly different about the marriage (and children) prospect now. I want him to ask me to marry him and I want to say yes. I want us to have children in a couple years. I want all of that. He knows it and does not feel the same way. He wants to be with me, but the idea of marriage somehow freaks him out. I don't understand why it is so scary, considering we are basically married, without the rings and the legal obligation. We live together, share finances, credit cards, everything. Big decisions are made together and he has put me through college. He is now going through college and is almost done. We are doing all the things we wanted, but I am not 100% happy. I am very depressed that he does not want to commit to me and give me what I want. He has purchased a new gun for himself and two brand new TV's for our place, but not a ring in sight. When our friends get engaged, get married, have children it really depresses me. I should feel happy for them, instead I wonder why I am not worth all that to him. Every single one of the men I have ever dated in my life are married or engaged. Most of my friends are married and working on children and here I am in limbo. He knows what I want and yet...he is basically refusing to give it to me. I know that sounds selfish, but at this point all I can see is that I am not worth it to him and I am not the person he would do anything for. Besides packing up and leaving, what else can I do?
As a woman I can understand the depth of what you feel inside. Men are often selfish and all they want is enjoy sex and romance and marriage they find a chain on them and that is why they want to escape it. We women want all that what men want but want to settle through marriage also. And you can not go on waiting and waiting and this will fatigue you and you will start ageing.

My friend I may sound harsh but that is not my objective but as a young lady though I will have to endure all else but this touches me immensely and I feel like writing. I wish you your happiness

 
Old 01-07-2011, 04:31 AM   #5
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Re: Is he ever going to marry me?

Unfortunately you both want different things from life, and each of you knows it. You want marriage and children and he doesn't, and those aren't really problems you can compromise on. You either do or you don't.

What you have to do is decide if you can live with him knowing you'll never be a wife and mother with him. If you can't then your only option is to leave and find someone who wants has the same goals as you.

 
Old 01-07-2011, 07:38 AM   #6
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Re: Is he ever going to marry me?

Why don't you ask him to marry you?

 
Old 01-07-2011, 08:14 AM   #7
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Re: Is he ever going to marry me?

He's only 25 years old. In man years, he's still just a kid. You're his youth, you're fun and freedom and a no-real-strings relationship. He doesn't see kids with you. He probably won't be ready for kids for years yet, and when he is finally ready for kids, he'll find someone in her 20s to have them with. And yes, with men, it's all about timing. Men would rather marry the wrong girl at the right time, than the right girl at the wrong time.

You need to sit down and think hard about what you really want...to stay with him no matter how it ends, even if you stay another five years with him and when he hits 30, he decides he's ready for marriage, but leaves you for someone else, or whether it takes him another five years to be ready to have kids with you, even if you end up never having kids because you stayed with him, and he never wanted them, is being with him worth how it might end up? Or do you need kids, even if it means leaving him, maybe never finding anyone else, but being free to search for what you really want was worth the risk? It's hard, it's a very big life decision. Think long and hard about what you really, really want, and the best course of action to get it. Good luck.

Last edited by Administrator; 01-10-2011 at 08:05 PM.

 
Old 01-07-2011, 12:51 PM   #8
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Re: Is he ever going to marry me?

I've been with my girlfriend for 38 yrs. so I guess I'm disqualified from giving my opinion.

But that hasn't stopped me before.
I think ELY4 has the brightest light.

 
Old 01-07-2011, 01:59 PM   #9
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Re: Is he ever going to marry me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by tattooedgirly View Post
I feel incredibly, utterly different about the marriage (and children) prospect now. I want him to ask me to marry him and I want to say yes. I want us to have children in a couple years. I want all of that. He knows it and does not feel the same way.

Every single one of the men I have ever dated in my life are married or engaged. Most of my friends are married and working on children and here I am in limbo. He knows what I want and yet...he is basically refusing to give it to me. I know that sounds selfish, but at this point all I can see is that I am not worth it to him and I am not the person he would do anything for. Besides packing up and leaving, what else can I do?
I'm going to be the dissenting opinion here in that I think you're selfish. Why? Because you are basing your relationship and time line on other people's time line and because YOU all of the sudden changed your mind.

You can't expect someone to all of the sudden change the way they feel about the relationship. If it were the other way around would you want to pressured into marrying someone? Also, say he does marry you, do you want him to marry you because HE wanted to or because YOU pressured him into it?

I know it might not be what you're hoping to hear but you have to look at it from all sides. I'm not trying to be rude/crass to you (I apologize in advance if I did) but I hope you realize that a relationship will only work if both sides agree.

I can tell you that most guys at 25 aren't looking into getting married and having kids. If you can't wait for him then you're only recourse is to leave. You're still really young so what is the rush to get married and have kids? Would you rather wait and be in a marriage that is based on mutual feelings or rush into it, to later regret getting married to soon? Marriages are are literary a crap shoot at 50/50 success rate.

 
Old 01-07-2011, 05:16 PM   #10
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Re: Is he ever going to marry me?

Thank you for all the responses. I feared that I would hear what most of you have said. I also think the same way, just needed to hear it from others. I don't see how I am selfish? I am not demanding marriage, I am only wanting it. Also, yes, my idea of our relationship has changed, but isn't that only natural in a relationship of so long? I think it would be unnatural for a relationship to stay stagnant. When we got together we were babies, practically. Now, we are college graduates with excellent credit scores and we are a whole hell of a lot smarter. Basically what I am saying is everything has changed in our lives, why should our relationship not change? I guess I am not seeing where you are going with that. However, not in offense to you, but you are a man who has not proposed to his long-term girlfriend either and yet you have not really given me a reason as to why men do this. What is so scary about marriage?

 
Old 01-07-2011, 07:16 PM   #11
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Re: Is he ever going to marry me?

It sounds like he is not ready for what you want. You are worth it. He probably doesn't look at it that way. He probably thinks that what he is doing is enough. He probably thinks that sharing the things you do together is showing his commitment to you. Guys seem to look at these things differently. My heart goes out to you. It sounds like he has different life goals. Is he willing to lose you rather than give you your dreams? Ask him on a scale of 1-10 how much he doesn't want kids. This may help you two decide where to go from there. Do you want to give up your dreams of getting married and having kids? You deserve to be happy.

 
Old 01-07-2011, 08:49 PM   #12
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Re: Is he ever going to marry me?

Thank you so much for your words of kindness and advice. I really don. 't know what to do. I love him very much and we have our life together. We have all our stuff that we share and we have a good thing. But...I feel like we need to move on with our relationship. I feel like if he loves me he should want to get married and all that.

 
Old 01-07-2011, 09:15 PM   #13
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Re: Is he ever going to marry me?

And I bet he feels that if you love him, being together should be enough without having to get married. Problem is, you two are not on the same page. He'd have just as much right to want you to change your mind as you want him to change his. If marriage is truly what you want, you may not get it with this guy any time soon. Can you accept that?

 
Old 01-08-2011, 04:56 AM   #14
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Re: Is he ever going to marry me?

you two need to work out where you go from here as all the uncertainty in your relationship will drive you crazy. could you cope not been a wife/mother? i understand you feel you want that but remember he has opposite feelings and he is not a bad person for feeling that way and wanting different things but you two really need to work something out or walk away. your both in same situation like you want him to get married to you and have kids, he wants you to accept no marriage and no kids. if my boyfriend ever said he wasnt into marriage i wouldnt even try to change his mind as i'd want him to marry me because he feels inside he wants that not that hes been pressured to, not saying you are pressurising him but he will feel it as he will feel stuck on what to do aswell he may not seem it or say anything but men underneath that silence do think and feel. i would accept no marriage if my boyfriend didnt want to as i think my love for him is far more important than a wedding ring, and signed papers to make it official, and obviously the celebrations i just appreciate that i have him and that hes chosen me. now if he didnt want kids with me that would be very different as i feel i have to have my chance of been a mum. but if it came down to it i dont know if i could leave him. we dont always get what we want in life. sometimes loves too powerful to walk away. i just hope you 2 can work something out .

 
Old 01-08-2011, 08:33 AM   #15
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Re: Is he ever going to marry me?

You know, I read a survey some time ago, I can't remember who conducted it, but they asked married men why they got married. A vast majority of the men said their woman put some kind of pressure on them to marry, and if they hadn't been pressured to, they never would have gotten married. I think that's just the way men are hardwired. Biologically, they want to spread their seed and move on, that's what nature has programmed them to do. Marriage is not natural or normal for men. Most of them marry because of convenience, or because they were pressured into it somehow. Very few men want to fall in love with that one special woman, forsake all other women, stop sleeping around and commit to only her, be a father and have a family and a home life, and even fewer men want it at 25.

 
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