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Old 01-07-2011, 09:28 PM   #1
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10yrs later ...

Where to begin. Simply put, I'm in a relationship now that I feel content in. I'm not ecstatic or very passionate, just content.

I'm 26. At 16 I experienced "Love" for the first time and since then, I haven't been the same. Not that it effects everyday life or that I even think about it on the conscious level, but somehow, subconsciously .. I know I still feel the effects today.

In short, how does one allow any girl (or guy) to live up to the "First". Now I know this is an age-old question that has been answered many times, but I seriously feel I will never truly be happy with another ever again. I'm happy on a surface level, but deep down not feeling alive I guess.

Anyone have any tips on how to overcome this?

 
Old 01-07-2011, 09:53 PM   #2
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Re: 10yrs later ...

Well, in a nutshell...

If your first relationship was real, you would still be in it. You would have lived happily ever after.

But that isnt the way it works out in life. If you are only "content" then you probably arent in the right relationship either. Nobody in life is really able to keep the bells and whistles going forever, but that is a two sided problem.

And honestly, do you really think that the 16 year old you knew anything compared to the 26 year old you? So why would you take "her" word for it that she was happy? That version of you didnt know anything about life yet! Im not being mean or anything, but when I look at myself at that age... WOW! Yeah, I didnt even know the meaning of the word love then. I didnt know the meaning of ANYTHING at that age, nobody does.

 
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Old 01-07-2011, 10:06 PM   #3
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Re: 10yrs later ...

Thanks for the response.

I guess I should have included we dated at 16 and then again at 18-21.

I totally agree though with your point and that is something that I have thought about. My confusion or lack of uncertainty lies in the fact that the females I am instantly attracted to have a strong resemblance to her. Now its not something I notice at first, but after the fact I realize that I think I am still trying to find that same girl in someone else.

I have had a dozen or more relationships since the first and again I don't think about her on a conscious level when I'm with my gf(s), but I think there is still a piece missing or maybe something I can't let go of.

In a way, it pisses me off that I'm not one to harp on the past and consider myself very mature, but can't seem to shake this...

Last edited by partnumber; 01-07-2011 at 10:06 PM.

 
Old 01-07-2011, 10:18 PM   #4
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Re: 10yrs later ...

It happens man. I know I did the same thing, and its a waste of time. After 20 years of doing exactly what you are starting to do now, I finally just realized I was in love with the "idea" of her, not the real her at all. We freeze them in our minds, and they seem perfect to us, but we dont really focus on the reasons those relationships dont work out, or didnt work out. There is nothing wrong being attracted to the same types of girls, it happens I was attracted to ones that looked exactly like her for all those years too, but they werent her.

Why did you two split up? What happened?

 
Old 01-07-2011, 10:29 PM   #5
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Re: 10yrs later ...

Damn, come to think of it .. that makes PERFECT sense! Eureka! lol

I followed her to college and after a few years we hit a bump in the relationship and with so much "temptation" out there in the college life, I rationalized the thought of being with someone else and starting new. We never really gave our relationship a chance after that because we were both in college and thought "what the hell" type of thing.

A month had passed and my friends were her friends which became awkward. Which then turned into her talking to one of them. After my small stint, I realized how much I truly loved her and felt like ****. I confessed it all to her, but by that time she was too hurt. To this day it still baffled me as to why she never wanted to even associate with me anymore. Never had I ever had a girlfriend do that (until a recent one a year ago).

I felt miserable as she quickly took most of those friends away from me, some of which were living under the same roof. Needless to say I broke down and moved back home. I spent the next few years in depression, but being the hardass I was I never took drugs as I don't believe in them as a resourceful way to overcome things we create.

Eventually with enough self-analyzation, I was able to put love back into a relationship, but its never felt quite the same. I guess I still feel regret of some sort and strongly believe in the "what-if" scenario.

Last edited by partnumber; 01-07-2011 at 10:31 PM.

 
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Old 01-08-2011, 12:21 AM   #6
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Re: 10yrs later ...

By living in the past and having expectations for your next relationship you are not giving yourself or the gf the chance to experience love. Try and move on and appreciate the next girl for her attributes. Sincerely, searchin

 
Old 01-08-2011, 04:45 AM   #7
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Re: 10yrs later ...

i agree you should move on from the past. different times, different ages. your ex gf maybe married and settled with children im saying shes got on with her life. you should too and stop clinging to the past.

 
Old 01-08-2011, 10:02 AM   #8
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Re: 10yrs later ...

People often focus on the past to avoid dealing with the present. What is it about the present time that makes you so nostalgic about the past? Why is it you feel you can't concentrate on your life now, what is making you feel unfulfilled? And how can you change that?

 
Old 01-08-2011, 10:44 AM   #9
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Re: 10yrs later ...

You were kind of vague in your post, but in your references to "temptation" and "rationalizing being with someone else" it sounds like you cheated on her, or threw her over for someone else. If this is the case, then you don't need to wonder why she no longer wanted to associate with you. It sounds like you broke her heart, and her trust in you and betrayed her.

Could that be perhaps why you can't let this go? Unfinished business? Maybe you still feel vaguely or subconsciously that you owe her an apology, or just to end things on a better note than her hating you and never wanting to talk to you ever again? Are you truly sorry for whatever it was you did to hurt her so badly? Do you know what her story is now? Do you think she'd be open to speaking with you now, just for the chance for you to say you're sorry and get some closure? FInding a way to stop wishing things could have turned out differently may be a good step toward getting past this.

But it's hard to say why you are experiencing this. It could be you are just over-romanticizing this relationship, or it could be you guys had an emotional connection that you just haven't found since. I must say, I don't really agree with the "If it was all that great, it would have lasted"' thing. Relationships end for a whole myriad reasons, and not always because it wasn't right or wasn't meant to be. And many adult relationships have no passion. Statistics say 20% of marriages are sexless, the partners being comfortable, convenient house mates rather than lovers and mates, staying together for security rather than passionate love.

If it's a possibility now, if she's not married or heavily involved with someone and you know how to contact her, maybe you should see if she's willing to hear you out now so you both can get some closure.

 
Old 01-09-2011, 06:46 AM   #10
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Re: 10yrs later ...

Well. You need to let the past be just that, you cant change it man. Believe me, most of us wish we could.

You sound like you have had a lot of self reflection and learned from some of the common mistakes that happen when we are younger, dont kick yourself. Just dont compare your present or future relationships to your past ones, not in the same way at least. Its not fair to you, nor the person you are with, and to be honest its not realistic. Everything changes in time.

I dont know if there is any dialogue left with you and your ex, and I dont know if that is a good thing to have really. You seem to be really torn up about it, and she moved on. You just have to try and let her go, take those good memories and make sure you make them again with someone new. The poor girl that you are with now would be devestated to know that you are missing your ex like this and always thinking of her.

If you happen to still talk to her, dont dwell on the past, you arent that same person, and neither is she. Focus on what the both of you are today, and what things you have in common TODAY. The past was a long time ago, and when you focus on reality, you will either see that you both have alot in common, or in most cases, you will realize that you dont have anything in common.

It's normal and ok in my opinion to miss certain things about the past, but when you start going out with someone new, then it's pointless and it only takes away from your happiness that you have now, or should be having now.

 
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