My boyfriend seems to be too dependent and clingy with me and it drives me crazy. He does not like to go places without me, doesn't hang out with his friends without me unless I'm at work or doing something else and he still doesn't like it. It's even little things like if I'm not sitting next to him on the couch he will say "you aren't going to lay by me?" or like the other day I was going to run to my apartment 15 minutes away to get something and he was driving me so crazy with his clinginess I just said "I think I'll just run by myself real quick and then come right back." He reacted just the way I thought he would. He looked at me all hurt and said "Oh, you don't want me to go with you?" Today he wanted me to go with him to a get together and I wasn't feeling well last night or this morning so we weren't going to go. Then when I started feeling better I made a comment about how I might run to my place to clean up and get some things he said his feelings were hurt because he wanted me to go to this party with him. Its at a bar and I don't feel like drinking. He said I knew he really wanted to go and now he can't go. I said "Why can't you go without me?! It's all your friends there!" and he said "Oh yeah, and be the single guy. I don't think so." He told me when I stay at my own place, which isn't very often, he doesn't sleep in his bed because he doesn't like sleeping alone. Right before Christmas we got in a fight after drinking and he was so afraid I was going to leave he sat down and looked like he was going to cry and said "Now I'm going to be all alone for Christmas and New Years!" Oh my god it is just getting to the point where I am kind of mean to him all the time to get my distance and I don't like being like that. Any time I try to talk to him about it he says I am looking too deeply into it and he isn't clingy or he gets his feelings hurt. I just want to be alone sometimes and need my time. I look forward to the few times I stay at my place and when I do he always tells me he slept horribly because he can't sleep without me. Am I looking to deeply into this? I am to the point where I want to end it but I am afraid of how dependent he is on me. Any advice?
Clingy, for sure! it sounds as if you already know the answer here, this relationship is not going anywhere. Rather than a mature partner, you have a little boy on your hands, and a very unhealthy relationship.
This man needs a lot of maturing, something you cannot do for him. Thank goodness you have not moved in with him, you have your own place to retreat to. I would increase the time you choose to spend alone, not allowing him to decide where you sleep, where you go, what you do and who with.
You cannot live your life pampering another's shortcomings. He will never grow that way, and you would go nuts trying. It sounds as if you are already there!
What is it about him that you love? What has kept you there besides guilt? Guilt is no basis for a relationship. Wishing you well...
Punky, I agree with writeleft, you already know the answer to your question, you just aren't happy about it. This guy does sound very abnormally clingy and dependent, but more important than that, this relationship simply isn't working for you anymore. Anytime you look THAT forward to getting away from your SO, that's a pretty significant sign that things aren't right. It's not fair for you to carry on this relationship when you know it's making you unhappy, and it's not fair of you to be cruel and mean to him instead of just ending it. You're not doing him any favors by pretending you're in this for the long haul when you really just want to get away.
It's mainly a compatibility issue. He needs someone who needs constant togetherness, and you need more time to yourself and you need someone who is more independent and doesn't mind sleeping alone once in a while, someone who won't guilt you into spending the night more often than you really want to. You both deserve to be with people more compatible to your own relationship "styles."
I want to make sure I am painting him in a fair light. He is always very loving and giving to me. He does so much for me, but in itself seems so clingy to me. Waking me up with coffee, always filling my car up with gas, sending me gifts at work and buying me expensive purses, jewelry and clothes. It is too much! I sort of think he does that just so it will make it hard for me to l eave! And it does. I have told him to stop spending money on me and he gets offended. He said last night he wants to buy me a new car and I said no and he said "Don't be like that and refuse gifts. That is rude." A CAR!! He even makes comments like "I think you have it pretty good here with me...if you are thinking you don't like me anymore." He is just too much. Last night we were watching a movie and I kept seeing him stare at me out of the corner of my eye and I finally asked him what he was staring at. He got a little hurt and said "I just think you're pretty. I won't look at you anymore." He constantly tells me he loves me. I have no idea how I am going to go about ending this. We broke up once before and he "flipped out". Called my friends all the time, called me all the time...it was a mess. I just want him out of my life to be perfectly honest but I do love him and am concerned about his feelings and mental health. I don't think he is right in the head.
i can see it from your words you are very frustrated with his clingyness. he may have some good qualitys BUT like you said its too much and your not happy as you want to breathe and have a easy no stress relationship but with him you won't get it. i would tell him calmy that it is over he may constantly ring you or your friends but you have to stand your ground if you really want out. he needs todo some growing up / or seek help.
Last edited by cryingforever; 01-10-2011 at 08:58 PM.
Reason: added the end bit on
The Following User Says Thank You to cryingforever For This Useful Post: punkybear (01-12-2011)
Thank you, Crying. I am frustrated and I know he will make it very hard. But it isn't fair to either of us to continue. At this point even if he stopped I have lost a lot of respect for him and I feel terrible even saying that. Without respect, I lost the in love feeling as well. Another thing that made me really upset the other day, altough I didn't say anything to him about it because I feel like I am constantly nagging and mothering, he told his daughter's mother that he couldn't afford to get her braces right now. While his daughter is very well taken care of I find it strange that he can afford all those gifts for me as well as cosmetic surgery for himself but not something as important as braces while she is young. I can't have children with somebody with those kinds of priorities. I know if I asked him about that he would just say "my daughter is very well cared for, I need to do something for me for once, blah blach..." Grrr he just frustrates me. I shouldn't come before his child nor do I want to.
Punky, first of all let me say how sorry I am you're in the situation you are in. A few years ago, I was in a similar situation. The only real difference was instead of the poor pitiful me guilt, I received a good tongue lashing about how its only just this one thing and I never ask you to do anything blah blah blah (which wasn't true I was asked constantly to do things for her). I in turn found myself buying and spending money I didn't have to try and keep the peace. In the end, I think she finally got tired of having to constantly berate me and she moved on. The relationship lasted far too long, but in the end it was worth it. It taught me a great lesson about relationships, and it really helps you better appreciate good healthy relationships when they finally come about.
That having been said, I agree that he has quite a bit of maturing left to do, and in the end he's not your responsibility. I know you care, and like me with my ex, don't want to see him hurt because you do love him. However, in the end you need to do what's best for you. You're being smothered, and his own insecurities are driving you away. The best thing to do in situations like these are to cut it off, clean cut, no "well we'll maybe try it again later." A clean break and then you're done. I found in my situation, the longer I waited, the more difficult it became to actually end things. In my case it got to the point that I couldn't end things and I felt trapped. You may be in the same situation, but you've got to get the courage to do it. Feeling trapped in a relationship that has no future is a horrible feeling, and it will consume you (if it hasn't already).
Just know you can't stay in a relationship for him. You need to do it because you're happy and want to be in the relationship, not because he's too big of a baby to handle not having you. I wish you the best of luck, and I'll pray you get the strength and courage to do what you believe is the right.
The following user gives a hug of support to bylm85: punkybear (01-12-2011)
The Following User Says Thank You to bylm85 For This Useful Post: punkybear (01-12-2011)
Wow, Bylm, you do know exactly how I feel. Yes, it has consumed me. I am so terrified to hurt him again and feeling responsible for his pain. If I was to give someone else in my situation advice I would say exactly what you said. But it is different when you have to do it.... you are right I have to get the guts to do it. I need to also be happy in the end.
This is the flack you get for being a halfway decent and caring human being! =P
All kidding aside though, I cannot stress enough how important it is that you do what you know deep down is right. I lucked out in my situation. I was always looking unhappy and irritated that I think I finally just pushed her away and she moved on. In the end she broke up with me, saving me the trouble of looking like the bad guy. Unfortunately that doesn't look like the case with you. In this situation the ball is in your court and its up to you to make the decision. If you don't do it, and soon, you may never escape from this. It's not fair to him to keep in the relationship if you're hearts not 100% in it, and its not fair to you, cause you may miss out on something great with someone else.
I actually started dating my now fiance only a month after my ex of 2.5 years broke up with me. I like you was out of the relationship emotionally for a long time, but didn't have the strength to end it. I can't tell you the relief you feel once the relationship is over though. It's like getting a piece of you that has been missing for a long time back. When that happens the skies the limit. You're very close to getting that piece of you back, just have to do it. It's like taking off the bandaid. You know it might hurt some, but it's gotta come off.
I know you all are right. I am just depressed because I know he is going to make it horrible on me and I am going to feel guilt on top of my sadness because I truly will miss him. Last time he talked to all my friends, even making some side with him. I felt like a lot of people were upset with me, because he acted so miserable and I looked heartless. I know I will lose a lot of friends. Right now I am kind of stuck at least for a few days because he just had surgery (cosmetic) and I am taking care of him. I am so mad at him for getting the surgery because he is always preaching about how we need to save money and he spends it so recklessly. Not to mention that his daughter needed braces. I just have no idea how I am going to do this. I feel like I am trapped into a web of some sort. Thank you all for your replies.
hes selfish, wont let you have a life, puts cosmetic surgery before his daughter, then talks to your friends not even thinking how this is going to make YOU look. you should do what hes done and tell your friends about HIM about how hes putting so much weight on you and making YOU miserable. the more i read the more i think he is deliberately making you feel guilty so then you dont leave playing the whole -poor me- thing. get rid of him sorry but hes a loser and selfish hes playing games.