I'm not usually the person to post on these forums, but I think it'd help to get some anonymous advice in a situation like this.
My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 3.5 years now and we've had a great relationship. We're both in college right now, she's 18 and I'm turning 21 in a few days. We've had our ups and downs like all relationships, but we could always talk through things and work them out. Lately we seriously talked about marriage to the point to where I got her a promise ring and an engagement ring, although she didn't know I got her the engagement ring because I haven't yet proposed. She even said if I proposed to her, she would say yes. However, now things have seem to have gotten out of hand.
About 3 weeks ago, she suddenly tells me she's unhappy because I don't do enough for her, don't take her on enough dates, and she wants that "spark" we had in our relationship in the very beginning. I told her she was right and I'd try to fix it, but in my mind I felt it was both of our faults because we were both extremely busy with school. I knew I was right in my heart because I did everything for her: I drove her to school everyday, I helped her with almost all her homework, I was always there for her when she needed me, perhaps maybe too much. We still made time to see each other every night, but we weren't going on dates much. I let it go and simply let her have the upper-hand in the argument and take the blame for it (I know I shouldn't have...).
We were slowly drifting apart from each other since then, until about a week ago I spent the day with her and took her out to eat, we had a good time and she said she felt is was a good start, but she was not ready for a relationship and she just wanted to be friends. I told her I don't think I can just be friends, because it would just make me miserable inside being in this state of "limbo." The next day, she cut off communication with me entirely. I tried texting and calling her every day, but she'd usually never answer or tell me she doesn't want to talk. This went on for about a week until Sunday morning she text me that she's happy on her own and she feels free and not tied down, she even went to a club with her friends and danced with a few guys stating that she didn't feel bad at all for doing that. She told me to stop texting her or she'll block my number.
I left it there and didn't even try to call or text her for 2 days until this morning. I went over to her house this morning and she answered the door and I ask what happened. We only talked for a few minutes because she had to leave, but she basically told me she feels much happier and free alone. She continued to blame me for the problems but I stood up for myself and told her that it's something we both need to fix. She told me she's willing to talk to me once I "got my head on straight." I told her not talking to her for a few days helped me think more clear, and I want to start talking. She said she'll talk to me, but she doesn't want me texting her all the time like I did. We left at that, but now I'm wondering where to go now.
I truly love this girl with all my heart, but hate how she has treated me in this past week. She basically just left me confused and dazed after 4 years, making me even think everything was my fault. I'm beginning to think it's a phase she's going through, she just wants to discover new things and not be tied down. I've given up trying to think about what she wants. The only thing I can come to an agreement is show her how much she will miss by not even talking to her from now on. So what should I do now? Should I keep trying to communicate with her, should I stop communicating with her completely to force her to realize what she will miss?
It's important to note that I left out some important details about our past, but I just wanted to get an opinion on the general situation.
Last edited by nhc15; 01-11-2011 at 10:17 AM.
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You're both still young. She's been with you since she was about 15 and she may have just grown out of the relationship. She may have realised that there's a whole lot more out there and she wants to experience more.
She's made it clear she wants you to leave her alone, and if you keep trying to talk to her you will only push her further away. Give her some space, she might decide she misses you and wants to come back. If she doesn't then it isn't meant to be.
I completely agree with Ely4. The worst thing you can do right now is push her into talking. I would suggest just put her on the back burner for now. Focus on your school, hang out with friends, do what college guys do. She wants her space right now and its your responsibility to give it to her. While I can't necessarily agree with how she's handled it, it is what it is. You may find once you have some space that you yourself enjoy having a bit more freedom.
It sounds to me like she is young and she just wants to be young and free. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but most relationships at your ages don't last. You are both growing and changing so much, and you have a lot of "stages" to still go through. I'm not saying it's not possible, as my sister and her husband got together at 17, went to college together, and got married at 22, and are still together... so it does happen sometimes. I just think that at this stage in your lives, it is not likely to end in marriage. I'm assuming she just got out of high school if she's only 18? She still has so much living and growing up to do. Many people (including myself) at her age just want to have "fun", and that doesn't include having a long-term serious boyfriend. It sounds to me like this is what she's going through. She probably does love you and care for you very much, but life is changing.
I hope things work out for you... but I just want to give my opinion on what's happening.
You can't base a serious relationship on "that spark", because that doesn't last. However, many people aren't interested in a relationship that transcends that spark while they are still young. In that case, appreciate the time you had together and acknowledge that it's over. Even if you still love her, it's not the kind of relationship she wants to be in at this stage of her life, and you can't do anything to change her mind about that.
Having said that, I think she has treated you pretty badly, cutting contact with you. But that just shows some immaturity on her part.
Cut your losses. Give it plenty of time before you get in touch with her again, and see then where you are both at and what you might want. Although, more often than not, by the time you get to that point, you're over her already!
hey sorry its really diffacult for you at the moment but i think the other posts are right, think shes going through the changes and wanting to explore more of life. i know its hard to see right now but i think in the long run it will be good for you aswell, so you have a opportunity to see more of life and opportunitys. i think you should set her free and set yourself free. if you still are determined to try get her back then whatever you do dont chase or dont chase too much. my mum always told me ''dont text, call or email let them think your moving on and they'll wonder what your doing and realise you aint chasing them anymore and they (may) miss you''...i followed that advice and it worked but that was previous relationships and in the end they didnt work out anyway -which i am glad of course. but...it may not always bring people back, its a 50/50 chance. good luck and happiness x