I posted before about my long time boyfriend and I having issues. You can go back and read for absolute specifics but I'll recap a little.
We started dating Aug 2009. We are both performers of different arts. There were a few ongoing issues. While I'm not for a conventional relationship (and neither was he), the lack of affection, or denial of me wanting or giving affection was tremendous. If I tried to give a kiss or hug on my own terms (and not even in public most the time) it was turned into a huge joke. Not all the time, but a lot of it. I was gaslighted alot about our difference of views on silly stuff. (Telling me it's only my perception of what happened, or what we were talking about, not that I was seeing reality or was right) And just a lot of stuff like that. I only saw him on weekends since we live 90 mins apart.
Despite that though we always had a good time, and could always leave an argument laughing.
Sunday he comes to me out of clear blue skies and says he wants to go 'balls to the wall' practicing his art and skill of his hobby to try and land bigger paychecks doing it. That he doesn't want a relationship with me because he won't have time anymore and doesn't want to even have it in his mind.
I'm so crushed. I was nothing but understanding and accommodating. I always was the first to say 'hey if you want to spend this weekend working on your things, by all means go for it'. We always could communicate about things like that and for him to just rip the rug out from under me has just shook me to my core. He claims he still cares and still has romantic feelings for me, but he has to try to 'make it' in his performing art form. Then says he knows how special a connection we have, and how he doesn't want to lose it so he wants to remain 'special friends' (not with any sort of 'benefits', just meaning close friends who can talk and hang out).
So then after breaking up with me and telling me all this, he says he will be up next weekend and wants to hang out. I'm a little confused I though the point was breaking it off so he would have more time to practice?!
I am just so heartbroken. I want to have him in my life, but not as a friend. Or maybe, I don't know. I don't know what I can handle right now, I'm still trying to seal this open wound. We worked well even with our issues I can't understand why he can't see he could of had both. I'm not a hard person to get along with and I ask VERY little of a relationship.
Is this just another head game to hurt me? How do I get over this? Everything reminds me of him. I can't sleep, haven't eaten much. I'm a wreck. This happened Sunday night I haven't texted or called sans once message I sent last night about how I'm doing since he told me he still 'cares' and hates that he hurt me (according to him, who when this happened was crying. I'd never seen him cry.) That message of course went unanswered, and I don't have plans to message anymore since if it is another mind game that would be what he wants.
I know time is the best, and with time I will probably see it was healthy, but it doesn't change that right now I am in so much pain. I still care so much, and I still want to care. I try to remind my self of all the bad and it just hurts so much I don't even care, all I can think about is the good and that I miss it. I try to keep myself busy, and it works sometimes. At home at night though is the absolute worse.
How can I get through this? This hurts so, so much, and I'm so sick of crying.
Well, first off let me express how sorry I am that this is happening. Break ups are never easy, especially when you're the one it's happening to. Sounds to me like he's quite the selfish person. Seems he's all about what's best for him and has no real regard to your feelings. For goodness sake, he ends things with you, then wants to come hang out and expects you to be okay with that? Yet again, him thinking of himself, not you. If I were in your situation (which I have been in a similar), I would completely cut him out of your life. The best thing to do I've found is to completely remove that person from your life. The whole "I still wanna hang out" thing is only going to make it harder for you to move on. Have you got any friends that could come over? Hang out? Stay at home movie nights (game nights in my case) with friends are wonderful to help healing. It helps to keep your mind off of the pain of the break up, even if only for a moment, but also surrounds you with people that care when you can't help but think about it. Getting out and keeping active should also help some too. The world doesn't stop because he's being selfish, and neither should you.
thanks for replying, it's nice to have a male perspective.
Yeah, he's generally always been selfish. It's just hard to cut him completely out because we have a lot of mutual friends and will run into one another. I know also he is hugely commitment phobic, and I think this factor has a lot to do with it as well. More then I'd ever know I'm wagering. Granted it's been over a year together, but I think he's afraid I may just be the one to stick around. He sure as hell isn't going to find another as understanding as I was. (Not trying to sound vain by any means)
I'm almost wondering if he's doing this to see if he can just pick me back up when he feels like it. Several things he said Sunday made me think so, one being he asked ina joking manner if I'd post this on my network site. I generally don't and haven't had a 'status' posted because I like my privacy but once before I thought we were done (on my terms, not his) and I posted it and many friends replied with nasty comments about him. He got on the defense and posted back, and we ended up working it out anyway so i took it down.
Another weird remark was we were talking about a 7 week long show we both do in the late summer. We shared a tent the last two years, and he asked if I then would be staying in this huge group tent with our other friends. I said yeah probably, and he came back saying 'well, you are always welcome to crash with me, especially on cold nights I'm not opposed to cuddling.' Again, confusion, if you don't want a relationship, or even if you just have a friendship, I don't know about you but I don't cuddle with my friends....It's like he either can't make up his mind, he only wants me when it's convenient, or he wants to try to keep my status under wraps so he can pick me back up later or something. He claims up and down there's no one else. Although I wonder if he's also doing this to try someone else out and if it doesn't work come back. Who knows.
On one side I'm sure I will be happier and healthier once this initial rut of a break up passes, but it's sure hard. I hate this feeling. I have this perpetual sinking feeling in my heart and gut, and it's not been curable yet.