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Old 01-11-2011, 05:17 PM   #1
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Suspicions of cheating, and paranoia. Advice?

Hi everyone,

I have a question. For those of you that have suspected a partner of cheating, or have had silly paranoia’s of a partner cheating… when and how did you verify whether or not your concerns were valid?

I know it is probably also very specific to certain situations, so here’s mine in a nutshell. We have been together for 4 years, and no, I’ve never had cause to suspect him. We live together and he doesn’t make excuses to be out. As far as I can detect he never gets strange phone-calls or acts as if he’s trying to hide anything. Apart from the normal little arguments here and there, our relationship feels solid from my perspective. I feel like our communication is really good and we are planning our future together openly.

I suppose it would seem like I have nothing to worry about. So the only reason I now and again have a little niggle in the back of my mind that he may cheat, is because I know in the past he cheated on an ex-girlfriend of his for a little while before they broke up. I believe it happened about 5 years ago. We have talked about it before and he was honest about it and said he wouldn’t do it again. But of course he would say that I suppose. Perhaps I am just suddenly conscious of it because our sex-life isn’t as highly charged as it was in the first couple of years, although it’s not absent or anything. Also, he just added an unknown girl on his (social network) account, and I found that I suddenly became very stupidly immature and tried to “background check” her, to no real avail. Now I am having thoughts of checking his iPhone tonight, like his text messages and his (social network) account inbox, just to put my mind at ease that nothing suss is going on. But that’s when I turned to this forum – because I don’t want to be the partner who snoops in my partners phone to validate his trustworthiness. Last time I did something like that was years ago. But then I suppose in a way that bad part of my brain is thinking – “if we don’t check up on our partners now and again, how would we ever really know?” So… how DO you ever really know?

Can any of you offer me some advice here? Would be much appreciated.

 
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Old 01-11-2011, 05:57 PM   #2
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Re: Suspicions of cheating, and paranoia. Advice?

I'm the type of person, although many will disagree with me, who thinks that sometimes snooping is acceptable. If you honestly believe that he might be cheating and/or believe that it will set your mind at ease, then I would maybe go for it. However, I also think that snooping can be a downward spiral. I think it can almost get addictive, and every time you feel a little insecure, you'll turn to snooping, which I don't think is healthy.

I was with a guy for 2.5 years that I never trusted and I snooped. Ultimately, that's what caused most of our arguments and our break-up because I always found SOMETHING to be upset over when I snooped. My ex was dishonest, which led to me not trusting him, but many of the things I found when I snooped were not enough reason to leave him, yet still enough of a reason to upset me and make me trust him even less (such as talking to ex's) I'm glad I snooped in the end, because if I had not, I never would have found out about the thing that made me finally leave him for good.

I am lucky now to be with a guy that I don't snoop on. I could easily snoop on his computer that he leaves "unlocked" while he's at work, his phone at any time, etc., but I never have. I trust him and don't feel the need to do it.

I think you really just need to search deep down and figure it out for yourself. Do you really feel that snooping will either fix things or you'll find out something you need to know? If yes, do it. If not, don't bother.

 
Old 01-11-2011, 06:57 PM   #3
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Re: Suspicions of cheating, and paranoia. Advice?

Why not just ask him about this unknown girl? Handle this maturely and have a conversation. Snooping is for high school kids. When you are an adult, you're supposed to talk through issues with your significant other. If you don't feel like you can trust him then you don't belong together. If you don't feel like you can have a mature, non-accusatory conversation with him about this, you probably don't belong together, either.

I am against snooping. I think it's immature and it leads to nothing but problems. I don't think it's worth it to look for trouble where there isn't any. That's pathological.

 
Old 01-11-2011, 07:06 PM   #4
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Re: Suspicions of cheating, and paranoia. Advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tivo123 View Post
Why not just ask him about this unknown girl? Handle this maturely and have a conversation. Snooping is for high school kids. When you are an adult, you're supposed to talk through issues with your significant other. If you don't feel like you can trust him then you don't belong together. If you don't feel like you can have a mature, non-accusatory conversation with him about this, you probably don't belong together, either.
I do agree with Tivo that the best thing to do would be to just ask him who the girl is. I agree that if you have a healthy, mature relationship, he will have no problem telling you. Who knows...maybe it's just an old high school friend. If my boyfriend gets any new friends that I'm curious about, I just ask him, and he has no problem telling me. They have all been completely harmless people that I don't have a problem with once I find out who they are.

 
Old 01-11-2011, 07:55 PM   #5
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Re: Suspicions of cheating, and paranoia. Advice?

I should just ask him I suppose. I wonder if I'll get a straight answer though. The girl is barely 18 and he is in his mid 30's. So no - it's not a high-school friend or anything like that. Also I was able to work out that he has no other mutual friends with her or anybody we know. It's like she's just appeared out of nowhere.

 
Old 01-11-2011, 10:06 PM   #6
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Re: Suspicions of cheating, and paranoia. Advice?

i think that does seem a little wierd how he would have a 17/18 year old on his friends list but it could innocent but from my honest opinion i would find out aswell.

 
Old 01-12-2011, 02:31 PM   #7
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Re: Suspicions of cheating, and paranoia. Advice?

I'd be suspicious too! I'd, without a doubt, ask him point blank who is that? Maybe she works with him? See if you snoop then all you'll have is just more questions unless you find sexting then you'll have your answers.
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*I rest my case!*

 
Old 01-14-2011, 08:27 PM   #8
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Re: Suspicions of cheating, and paranoia. Advice?

Well, here's what happened.

I started off by taking the "ask him" advice. I asked him in a casual, off-handed kind of way, as if it must be somebody we both know, and he said "Actually I have no idea who that girl is, I added her the other day, I think she must be a promoter or for marketing or something. Who knows." I asked him why he added her then and he said something vague like "I dunno I'm not that into social networking so I don't pay much attention to what I do on it." Okay... so there was the answer. He doesn't know her in person apparently. It annoyed me a bit that he added her therefore. What is the point?? So he can perve or what? Not that there were many risque photos or anything, they were actually pretty boring average photos of an average girl with a pretty face. Plus I can see from her 'wall' that she's added a whole bunch of people lately, like about 50 or something. It does seem she's some kind of promoter. If it's even a real person - now I think of it, it could be any promoter for anything. Assuming he's telling the truth.

So then I added her too. I don't know why. I suppose just so if she adds me I can say "hi, who are you and what do you do?" Not sure if I'll bother yet though.

SO I have to admit after that, I did do a little snooping. I checked his mail from his phone to see if there were any strange conversations, and I checked his sms's briefly. Nada. Not a thing.

I suppose conclusion is I find it a bit annoying that he added some stranger in the first place, and cos she's really young. He has never done that before. He did seem like it was something he did without much thought though. It's true that he is not a regular social network user. As for the snooping, it DID make me feel better. That's so silly, because I should trust him and I shouldn't have to snoop. I don't think it's a good habit and I don't want to do it again. I've only done it like once before. I know he would never think me as the type to snoop as well. So it's a bit embarrassing on my behalf really.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and if you have any more please write.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 01-15-2011 at 01:09 PM.

 
Old 01-15-2011, 01:27 AM   #9
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Re: Suspicions of cheating, and paranoia. Advice?

my boyfriend does it if he has random friends requests he just adds them can be males and females and its not bothered me plus he rarely uses it and i trust him . he doesnt even know most of the people on his friends list , i dont see the point as he never talks to them because hes never online and even when he is , he still doesnt talk to them but anyway back to you...you found nothing so so far hes innocent and i think you should believe him. even if he added her to just look at remember that saying ''can look but cant touch'' ...whats the difference from a man looking at a clothed random woman to a naked one (in porn dvd's etc)...none. i think you should forget about it for now unless something odd pops up. i think hes telling the truth

Last edited by Mod-S4; 01-15-2011 at 01:10 PM.

 
Old 01-19-2011, 09:25 PM   #10
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Re: Suspicions of cheating, and paranoia. Advice?

Hi Cryingforever I really appreciate your input, thank you. Your boyfriend's FB useage sounds just like my bf's, really. I think you are right, I think I can trust him at his word, and the stupid thing is I have NO reason not to trust him, he has always treated me 100% well. He is considerate to a fault sometimes. I should be counting my blessings instead of letting stupid little insecurities run around unchecked in the back of my mind.

Of course I will always follow intuition, but I like how most people here suggested I just come out and ask him up front. Even though the answer wasn't a simple one, it's the right way to deal with it. No more of this snooping, lesson learnt!

~T.

 
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