It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 01-12-2011, 07:35 AM   #1
Senior Member
(female)
 
janetJ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: NC, USA
Posts: 113
janetJ HB UserjanetJ HB User
Unresolvable

Hi, I could really use some wise, sound advice.

So bf and I have been dating about 2 yrs, and living together. He has teen children who do not live with him. The oldest is son and now 18. I'm take it as due to a lack of strong parenting by the mother, but he has made some irresponsible choices lately. Anyway occassionally he will come spend night at our place (or maybe I should say his dads place), I would say about 5 times over the past 4 months - and he has taken to bringing his gf to stay night also. I have a problem with this, I don't think she should be staying the night there with him. Bf says he is 18 now, he is adult, and he is not turning his son away so if that means let the girl stay, so be it. I say he is only 18, hasn't acted responsibly and it is inappropriate.
We've talked and talked and can't come to an agreement. I can't help being bothered by it. I have my beliefs, he has his...
What do we do. Both say we don't want to throw relationship away, but I get mad everytime it happens and he thinks I am challenging his children.
Am I being unnecessarily bothered by this whole situation?

 
Old 01-12-2011, 08:16 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 4,081
Larrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB User
Re: Unresolvable

I'm a little confused. You blame the boy's mom for all the bad choices he's made, but it seems you take issue with some of your boyfriend's parenting skills as well. Even though the boy lives with his mom primarily, his father stil has influence over who he grows into.

I'm not sure there's much you can do about it. It's your boyfriend's son, and it's not really your place to question or challenge how he chooses to raise his son. He has to raise his kids as he sees fit. You don't have to like it, but you're going to have to find a way to respect it, or at least stomach it. It would be nice if he were willing to compromise with you, limit girlfriend sleep-overs for the boy to one every two months, or something, but it sounds like he'd be unwilling to do that.

But this is just the kind of parent your boyfriend is. I don't think you'll have much success in changing him, or the way he wants to deal with his kid. If your boyfriend isn't willing to compromise or take your feelings into consideration even a little bit more, and you are dead set against breaking up, what other option do you have but either break up or keep the relationship going but you get a place of your own? How long do you think this will be a problem? The boy is 18, after all. Is he in college, or planning on enrolling soon? Does he have a job? On his way to getting a place of his own? What is your boyfriend doing to encourage him to get out on his own?

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 01-12-2011, 09:04 AM   #3
Senior Member
(female)
 
janetJ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: NC, USA
Posts: 113
janetJ HB UserjanetJ HB User
Re: Unresolvable

Well, I really wasn't trying to place blame anywhere so I'll take those parts back if that's what I did! I could also add I am not staying at the house currently, so it's a situation of can we resolve this, or do I stay gone for good. And I think an answer needs to be found sooner rather than later. I feel in limbo about it all (as does bf).
I don't know how long it will be a problem. I guess until I feel he's grown enough to do whatever he wants. I know, not my place as the gf, but I am allowed to have an opinion, aren't I? He is supposed to be going to college out of state, but 'supposed' to doesn't mean much to me. I think my bf already sees him as out on his own. I believe it was last year he moved in with a relative due to problems living with his mother and with school.

 
Old 01-12-2011, 01:02 PM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 4,081
Larrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB User
Re: Unresolvable

Of course you're allowed to have an opinion, and your boyfriend should be taking your feelings into consideration. But he isn't. You might want to sit him down and have a calm, frank conversation with him and tell him again how you feel, well, not just how you feel, but how you need things to be, and that you need him to meet you at least halfway, and you have to be willing to meet him halfway as well. I hope you can come to some compromise.

 
Old 01-12-2011, 01:02 PM   #5
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 177
bibimbap HB Userbibimbap HB User
Re: Unresolvable

Is it an age thing? I presume you stay overnight without benefit of marriage, so why isn't it ok for the son to have overnights with his girlfriend? Or do you feel like since the son is irresponsible he shouldn't be allowed to have his girlfriend stay overnight?

Personally, I wouldn't accept anyone's input regarding my children unless my children were being rude or destructive. Otherwise, I'd probably resent anyone trying to interfere or give "opinions".

 
Old 01-12-2011, 01:34 PM   #6
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 5,110
writeleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB User
Re: Unresolvable

I also caught on to the fact that you are doing the same thing that you do not want your boyfriends son to do.

He is a legal adult, just as you are. If you have left your boyfriends home due to this issue, it must be very important to you, and your boyfriend does not share the importance of it. Is that the real problem, that you are not being heard on this?

Do you have your own children? If not, I would also have trouble accepting your opinions about my children. In fact, no parent that I know would allow a girlfriend to dictate what goes on between my children and myself. Even if you were to become married, it is still not your place to advise your husband on his adult childrens choices.

You certainly have the right to have your own beliefs and to live by them, but that could mean doing so on your own. I wish you the best..

 
Old 01-12-2011, 02:17 PM   #7
Senior Member
(female)
 
janetJ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: NC, USA
Posts: 113
janetJ HB UserjanetJ HB User
Re: Unresolvable

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
I hope you can come to some compromise.
Any ideas as to what the compromise could be? We did meet and discuss.
He said he doesn't know the solution and I said the same. I think we are both willing to consider a compromise, but can't seem to come up with what that is. When I left, it was open to another discussion if either of us would like.
I am bothered because the girl is pregnant and a different girl recently had a child to him. So who is teaching him not to just lay anywhere, with anyone, without thinking of the repercussions of his actions. So, yes, I am spending the night with my bf, also, but we are responsible with our choices. And it is the age, also. If he was 30 doing this, I would say ok, what can you do. He is still young enough to be taught to think of his choices and still young enough to need to be taught those things.

 
Old 01-12-2011, 02:22 PM   #8
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 10,358
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: Unresolvable

well i agree that the parenting might not be the strongest, but as you had suggested that the negligence is coming from the mothers side, I'm thinking that the father doesn't have the greatest parenting skills either. What does he have to say about his son spreading his seed around to different girls?
who is supporting these children? I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. I'd be feeling that my BF was acting pretty irresponsibly in the parenting dept.

 
Old 01-12-2011, 03:21 PM   #9
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 5,110
writeleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB Userwriteleft HB User
Re: Unresolvable

Oh, That changes everything! If this young man is fathering children, that is a whole different animal.

That is very irresponsible and unfortunate for the children's sake. However, I think this is more of an education issue in my eyes.

If my sons were out there fathering children, I would want a relationship with the girlfriends, in order to assure proper birth control was being used, be it in my house or where ever they mate.

I would want the closest relationship I could have with my son, which would include spending quality time together as often as possible, with and without the girlfriend. If your boyfriend is simply letting the kids shack up over at his house, I would also be upset. Without knowing your boyfriend, it is hard to know where his interests lie.

Is he a strong father? Is he dedicated to his son? Doing the very best he can
OR
Is he passing the buck to the mother, and trying to be the fun dad, with no rules?

That would make all the difference to me in making a decision.

If he is the first one, I would say he is worth the compromise, if he is the second one, I would hesitate to commit to that.

Do you want to tie yourself onto a man who has such baggage?

I am sorry for your dilemma, it must be heartbreaking to watch and I can understand your concerns. Be strong.

 
Old 01-12-2011, 06:56 PM   #10
Senior Member
(female)
 
janetJ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: NC, USA
Posts: 113
janetJ HB UserjanetJ HB User
Re: Unresolvable

Well I was hoping it wouldn't change everything. I'd be happy to be wrong - that would be real easy to fix.
Truth is, I feel like if I agree to it then I am encouraging the same behavior to continue, and I don't want that on my moral conscience.
As for my bf, I believe he is intending to do what he thinks is best in the situation. He is quite bothered and disappointed, but says he can't go back in time and change what has already happened. However, the son has had other issues recently and he is trying to send the message that he can always come to his dad and have somewhere to go and someone to turn to, no matter what.
He was actually the strict one while the mother seems to have not set any rules or standards. I only know what I've been told, I wasn't there back in the day - but I understand she fought him tooth and nail during and after the divorce. He was not allowed to have the kids and it was always a problem when he did. Now that they are teens and "difficult" shes real fast to call him and let him handle all the problems -- and he does try. However, he also feels they are grown now and what can he do other than let them learn their lessons for themselves. Teens don't take much adult advice anyway and when one parent is trying to show them one way, but the other a different way, imagine the confusion.
I don't know. I just want to know the answer... Everyone says we are both right in our own way.

Oh yeah, and I'm worried maybe I'm not a strong enough person to handle all this. Despite my love.

Last edited by janetJ; 01-12-2011 at 06:59 PM.

 
Old 01-12-2011, 11:00 PM   #11
Inactive
(female)
 
cryingforever's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: yorkshire, uk
Posts: 1,790
cryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB Usercryingforever HB User
Re: Unresolvable

I think its sweet that you care so much, he may not be your son but you care and don't want him to make a mistake of his young life by having lots of children with different girls at only 18 years old. he doesnt know enough about life yet. i understand your concerns. unfortunately though its quite diffacult for you as there his children but i hope you both find a compromise that suits everybody. i think you mentioned that you live or lived together. was it both your names on the home or his ? because if it was both your home you have a right to voice your concerns because you have to live there aswell and it must feel uncomfortable that 2 young people could be upto all sorts in the next bedroom. i'd find it uncomfortable...but then there is the other side to it which is that at least they are doing things in a SAFE place but still. its always diffacult when they are not your kids. i have a boyfriend together 2 years , he has got 2 kids and i look after them, tell them off when its due etc...but theres only so much i can say or do. saying that though my boyfriend always agree's with me lol. anyway back to you i hope you 2 come to a compromise it would be a shame to split up over something like this as from what i have read you both seem to be really into eachother but have this one issue with the son. sending luck and hugs x

 
Old 01-13-2011, 04:57 AM   #12
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Kszan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 4,989
Kszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB User
Re: Unresolvable

Janet, I agree with your opinion on what the boy is doing. It's pretty clear that he has total disregard for the consequences to his actions of sleeping with every girl he meets without protection. I don't have kids myself but that doesn't mean I can't have an opinion about it when they do stupid things that ruin their lives.

Unfortunately for this boy, he has two lousy parents who are totally clueless and you as the outsider are the only one with any brains in the matter. Personally, if it were me, I couldn't respect a man who was so incapable of being a father to his kids. It would be impossible for me to stay with such a weak man who can't or won't enforce rules or set an example or be a positive role model to his kids. It would be hard to stay with him after seeing what a marshmellow he is with this son of his.

 
Old 01-13-2011, 07:18 AM   #13
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 10,358
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: Unresolvable

janet, you didn't answer my question, so I'll ask it again.....
who is footing the bill for your BF's illegitamate grand-children?
who is supporting them, buying diapers, feeding them, etc.....

 
Old 01-13-2011, 08:01 AM   #14
Senior Member
(female)
 
janetJ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: NC, USA
Posts: 113
janetJ HB UserjanetJ HB User
Re: Unresolvable

I don't fully know the answer to that. It lies in the mothers hands. What I know is the son is not currently working but is 'supposed to be' going out of state to go to school and get his life together. 'Supposed to be' is this month, if real. I don't know if it is or if he has left, as I haven't been at bf's house and our convo's have been about how we are to handle our problem. I don't think that "just cause he's gone, so the problem won't occur anymore" should affect how I feel about it, so I haven't asked.

Last edited by janetJ; 01-13-2011 at 08:16 AM.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
gutted lillyh Relationship Health 18 12-03-2010 01:44 PM
This whole thing was a bad idea Hazelnut1968 Relationship Health 1 05-19-2008 12:36 PM
How should I handle things as they stand now? Laylah Relationship Health 120 07-27-2007 11:05 AM
the rest of my issues with BF..... Emilysmommie05 Relationship Health 13 01-09-2006 02:16 PM
why can't I ever learn the lesson Speechie Relationship Health 6 12-18-2005 05:07 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (273), rosequartz (255), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (160), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (103), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1013), Apollo123 (909), Titchou (856), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (763), ladybud (755), midwest1 (671), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:40 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!