I am just looking for some insight or advice on my recent break up. I am 21 year old in KY and had a recent relationship with a 35 year old in AZ. We had an online relationship and recently met in person. I know you are probably thinking this is a huge age gap but we didn't mind it at all. Thanks to anyone who actually is willing to read this!
This all started in June of 2009. He was stationed in Afghanistan and we meet in a chat room. He was having a rough time over there and we just started talking. I talked to him everyday of his deployment over there. We both weren't up front with each other at the beginning about things... I don't think we ever thought it would turn into what it has now. He said that him and his wife were divorced...although they were only separated. I had said that I was 22 at the time and showed him a picture of someone else. We both regret those things now. We started having feelings for each other and helped each other with so much in that time span.
He came home that October and had to deal with issues from being over in the desert, a dying grandfather, and his then separated wife. I knew it was a difficult time so I was just there for him as much as he needed me to be. We continued to talk multiple times a day and everything was amazing. That December he filed for divorce. She went nuts and made it an ugly divorce...going as far as to start calling me and emailing me. It was a rough time but we stuck it out because we loved each other. Things finally got better once the divorce was final and we enjoyed our time we got to spend with each other even if it was over the phone and internet. I still had yet to tell my truths about me.
Last May when I was done with classes he wanted to come out here but I made up and excuse because I knew he would freak if i told him the truth about me and I just loved him so much that I didn't want him out of my life. He tried again over the summer and I just made up an excuse about having to work. Finally in July I came clean with him that it wasnt a picture of me. He was hurt of course but still loved me and it opened up a whole new level for us. We were both able to see each other all the time using *****. It was amazing.
I started back school and we continued our talking and he would help me with studying. We would have long talks about our future about how we were going to get married and where, we would have kids, where we would move to when he was able to retire from the Air force. We were both happy and in love.
In November he gave me to ultimatum that I had to come out there or we were going to have to end it. He had tried so many times and now the ball was in my court. I understand this completely. I told him the truth about my age and of course he was ****** that I hadn't come clean earlier but he didn't leave me like I thought. I thought about going out there for the week. I didn't want to go out there for the week staying at his house. I hate flying and have never flown by myself either. I was going to be in a strange big town, flying alone, and meeting him for the first time. That was a lot of big steps for me. I unfortunately made a selfish and dumb decision that I will regret for the rest of my life. I told him that I couldn't come out there and begged for him to come out here. After many nights of us arguing he agreed that he would meet me out here (a town about 2 hours away where the airport is). He wasn't happy because I had let him down and he said that things would possibly change after we met December 12th.
Around Thanksgiving he went out with friends (which he never did so I was happy he was going out again)..all couples. One of the wife's of a friend invited someone for him. He wasn't happy but talked with her anyway to be nice. He told me everything that happened. She was going through a divorce so he was telling her some advice. Well they started to text as friends.
December comes and we meet. It is the most amazing 4 days of my life. I loved every minute of it and fell deeper in love with him. I was so happy. A couple days after he tells me that he thinks that we need to break for a lil while. We had been fighting alot before we met in person so we did need to get back to our happy selves. I understand that. It was rough but i agreed. Well about a week later he went out with friends again and she was there... and they talked more... and a couple days later he went out again and she was there. So I have had a very difficult time with this. I know i brought it on myself but the man that I love was falling for another person. They have hung out more and talked more since then. I am not handling it well. We want to remain friends and still talk because we were each others best friends and so much apart of each others lifes. I just can't get over the fact that I ruined it with him and am not going to get to be with him like i so badly want. I don't know what to do or how to handle it. He does have feelings for her and she makes him happy. Its so hard to see. I keep arguing with him and I know its pushing him farther away from me and I hate it. We have argued and then we both start saying nasty things to each other that we regret. I don't want to have to stop talking and he doesn't either. I just don't know what to do anymore. Does anyone have any advice or a similar situation. I recognize that I have messed up this relationship but I don't know if there is any way for me to fix it. I had plans of going out there on spring break, going out there for the summer, and of course long weekends during this semester but can't do those now.
Thanks to anyone who actually read all that and made it to the bottom.
So sorry you are having such a hard time...I hope we can help.
This relationship was started on lies, and that is a poor foundation for any relationship, particularly and online one, that is not based on actual physical contact.
You were surely a good friend to him while he was deployed, and likely one day can go back to occasional chats here and there, but it is over as you knew it.
All you can do is learn from this experience...There are many lessons here for you. First, hopefully your next relationship will be founded in person, with someone who lives close to you, so you can really get to know him.
Second, it is important to accept yourself enough to tell the truth about yourself up front. There is nothing better than you, just as you are. True love needs to be based on the truth. I imagine you have learned that one, the hard way I'm afraid.
Thank you for your advice. Do you have any suggestions on how I can get past this though? We don't want to have to stop talking completely. We both care about each other a lot still and want to be there for each other. I am not sure if we are both just confused or what. Neither one of us have felt well lately. I think its all of this is effecting us...not eating, stomachs upset. Any advice on how to keep as friends?
correct me if i am wrong but are you still talking to him because you are holding on to some hope that he will come back to you?. for the pain to go away -in the long run- i think you should move on from him. thats upto you though but you 2 split, keep arguing , so from what i can see you dont have a relationship nor do you have a friendship either. find a new man and be truly happy as this situation is bringing you down. hugs x
Last edited by cryingforever; 01-12-2011 at 11:19 PM.
I don't see where you are the one messed this up all by yourself. You both lied initially but yours was no better or worse than his lie about his marital status/separation/whatever it was. Like was said, lies are a poor foundation to start a relationship and it's rare it will go anywhere after that. But that's not only on you, it's on both of you.
I think if you want to move past this, the 1st thing you need to do is stop blaming yourself for everything that went wrong, forgive your mistakes and realize he made some too. You could still have a friendship if you really want to, but you will need to truely accept the things that have happened as over and done and start fresh from here. (I don't recommend the friendship, btw, but that's just me. I think as long as you have lingering feelings, friends won't work)
there is no point in continuing contact......
this whole thing was a fantasy from day one, a fantasy that didn't end in "happily ever after" (they seldom do). Time to face reality. This man wasn't so great anyway......he lied, he was married, now he's with someone else.....this never was a "relationship". You had an internet "chat friend".
Put him in your past where he belongs and move forward.
The Following User Says Thank You to rosequartz For This Useful Post: cryingforever (01-13-2011)
Honey, honestly, this was a relationship based in lies. Your lies were no worse than his. No lie is a good lie, but lying about marital status.... For some reason that just screams warning bells to me. I know you want to be friends, but as was said I wonder if this is because you believe he will come back to you? Just try to move on you are so young. I think he just wanted to have a chat friend to help him with a hard time and now thats behind him he wants to move on. You should too.
The Following User Says Thank You to PrincessSweetNS For This Useful Post: cryingforever (01-13-2011)