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Old 01-14-2011, 05:55 PM   #1
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Why do men do this?

I met this great guy on an online dating site. After texting all day, every day for 5 days while I was away for the holidays, we met and had a great first date (that lasted 6 hours!). Since then, we've seen each other 12 out of 14 days, I've spent the night several times, only to sleep, and would spend the entire day texting each other during work. Fortunately it's been slow there...ha ha! I felt so comfortable with him; it was like we've known each other forever. He would tell me constantly how much he liked me, that he likes how much we have in common, that I make him laugh and smile a lot...and twice told me he was falling for me. Tuesday night I was at his house and told him I was molested as a child and wanted to take things slow. He said he was okay with that, but made a comment that the past 3 girls he'd met said the same thing and "did he attract that, what did he do to deserve that." Now, I don't know how they were, but I've accepted it as something horrible I had to endure as a child but has made me stronger in the long run. Long story short, I don't let it define who I am. Anway, the next morning he seemed a little distant but okay, telling me to call the office to see if I had a snow day and could stay longer, sent me off to work with a kiss and...nothing. He replied to a few texts I'd sent but they didn't seem like they usually did. I thought maybe he was just upset about the night before or that it was my imagination, so I stopped saying anything to see what would happen. He did text me that night but very generic conversation, then nothing again until I said good night, and once again nothing the next morning (he ALWAYS texts me first thing when he wakes up to say good morning). Against my better judgment, I texted him around 11 asking if I had done something that made him seem to suddenly stop talking to me and he replied, "No, I just have a lot going on, I'm seeing my ex girlfriend tonight so I have a lot on my mind." I replied that I felt it was because I'd wanted to take things slower, and his response was "sorry you feel that way." I haven't heard a peep since then. I'm trying to chalk it up that he really does just have a lot going on since he's a teacher and it's the end of the semester and he just lost a day this week and has another next week because of the holiday, because he seemed to really like me and was always the one telling me he wanted to see me, that he missed me if we weren't together, and when we were together, he gave me no cause to make me think he was just feeding me lines. He would have a huge smile on his face the second I walked in the door and always wanted to be in some kind of contact.

He had told me New Year's Eve that he'd hidden his dating profile because he wasn't sure he was ready to start dating, and I was okay with it as I was just starting to date again after an 8-month relationship (my profile is still visible). I know it's only been 2 weeks (3 if you count our marathon text sessions), and I know we were by no means in a relationship, but i really miss talking to him and feel like it is a breakup. I'm hoping by not contacting him he'll come around, but my question is why do guys just disappear like this? I went through a period 2 years ago where 3 guys acted interested but suddenly disappeared with no explanation, and I'm not someone who plays games and don't like people playing them with me. We have feelings, and it hurts when you do this...don't say you like a girl and want to go out if you have no intention of following through! Sorry, I just needed to vent, I guess...I feel slightly better.

 
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Old 01-14-2011, 06:11 PM   #2
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Re: Why do men do this?

Why is he seeing his ex girlfriend?

 
Old 01-14-2011, 06:29 PM   #3
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Re: Why do men do this?

I can't for the life of me remember. He had mentioned her the other night at dinner but I don't remember if he was doing work (he's an electrician teacher and does side jobs for extra cash) or no. The only thing I know about their breakup is it was about 3 months ago and because they weren't right for each other. Neither of us is big on talking about past relationships and, again, we're still just getting to know each other and it hasn't really come up.

 
Old 01-14-2011, 08:09 PM   #4
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Re: Why do men do this?

"I'm seeing my ex and I have a lot on my mind" doesn't sound like a side electrical job to me. It sounds like seeing his ex is affecting him in some way.

Just because they "weren't right" for each other doesn't mean there aren't feelings. My ex wasn't right for me but I had very strong feelings for him.

If it's only been 3 months he isn't ready to be in a new relationship yet. He obviously is affected by seeing his ex, so to me that says it all.

 
Old 01-14-2011, 10:43 PM   #5
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Re: Why do men do this?

I cannot tell you how often we get questions about relationships that have been founded, or are centered around texting, the internet, etc...and less upon face to face meetings and building relationships over time.

If he has indeed had several other relationships ;where abuse has been present in the woman's past, it is easy to see that he would be leery of starting another one. Who knows what the dynamics of it were, but imaging how difficult to could be?

I have to ask, why would you disclose this at the early point in this relationship? If he is pushing for sex and you are not ready (for any reason) it is your right to refuse, simply because it is too early for you. I would encourage you to wait until much later in a relationship before disclosing such a personal item with anyone.

When you say "why do men do this ?" I think the answer is pretty straight forward. Spending hours on end texting does not count towards building a relationship. There becomes a false sense of "knowing each other" when all you know is what each of you types, not always the truth.

When too much is put out there, there leaves no mystery, men love the chase, the discovery, the dating...What is more exciting than waiting all week for that Saturday night date, picking out that dress, doing you hair, every detail being perfect? That is romance, far from that little annoying bell that goes off every few minutes. It might seem more ok if everyone is doing it, but everyone is not.

If your past is not something he can handle, then it is his choice and he is not the right guy for you anyway. You deserve to have a partner that is sympathetic to your abuse, and willing to be supportive of your past.

Anyway, you still do not know what, if anything his busy-ness means, after all...no one can keep up the pace that you started off on. Work needs to be caught up on, bills need to be paid, friends need attention, life cannot absorb such and immediate immersion into texting non stop. That is what makes it a poor foundation for a relationship. It needs to fit into real life, in a realistic way.

I would also be wary of a guy who would sit down and text non stop like that either. Who has time for all that in real life? In a short time, it has to be cut short, in order to simply live.

My first bit of encouragement is to sit back and see what happens. If he is interested, he will let you know. If he is not, it would be admirable if he gave you the courtesy of an explanation..but that may not happen. It's like an easy come, easy go thing.

My next bit of advice is to withhold more about your private business. A snarky remark like he made would be very hurtful to me, and I would encourage you to be more protective of your feelings, especially in such a sensitive, delicate subject for you. In the future save that subject for those who can be helpful to you, rather than chance another hurtful remark from an uninformed, rude fellow.

I could be wrong, maybe you have found that getting it out in the open is helpful to you. In that case please accept my apologies.

I would re-think how and where to look for love. Whereas the computer has made matches that are wonderful, many more have been left high and dry, in tears and asking,

Why do men do this?

I hope you find the answers you are looking for, we are here to support you. Best to you.

Last edited by writeleft; 01-14-2011 at 10:51 PM.

 
Old 01-15-2011, 01:13 AM   #6
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Re: Why do men do this?

This is my opinion , i could be wrong and i hope i am. Hes all interested in you but when hes meeting his ex girlfriend you are pushed aside. If they dont have children together and have a valid reason to meet then why they meeting? i think its abit wierd. i know you said you can't remember why hes meeting her but i'd be questioning that in my head if i was you. men/women do disapear because they dont have the balls to tell the person there dating that there no longer interested in or that they have a better offer. sometimes on the rare occasion they have a decent reason.

 
Old 01-15-2011, 10:10 AM   #7
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Re: Why do men do this?

Thank you all for your input. This is my first time with online dating and I realize texting/email is not the same as getting to know someone face-to-face but I haven't had much luck there either. Ha ha. I'm coupling the texts with actual conversations and behavior, which is why I'm so confused about this. He's not the "player" type so I'm hoping he truly is just sorting things out. I'm not exactly holding my breath, though.

The reason I disclosed so early is simply that it affects me just as much to just be touched as it does sexually. For example, I freeze up if someone touches the back of my neck and I can't stand having something covering my ears. While I usually don't bring it up so early, it's part of my past and I feel it's a dirty little secret by hiding it. He was not pushing for sex although things had gotten to that level previously. He had just touched me in a way that I didn't like so I said so.

As for the ex, of course I questioned it in my mind, but as we're "just starting out," as he put it, I didn't want to question it and seem jealous or possessive. He's told me he isn't friends with any exes other than two from HS, but I'm still friends with my HS boyfriend as well. Of course it's driving me crazy trying to remember what he'd said, but I also know no good will come of obsessing over it.

Maybe it's because I don't have experience with many guys; somehow I've always had serious relationships and never did the casual dating thing, but I'm just trying to sort out how we can have so much in common, talk or see each other all the time, he was talking about making plans for this weekend, for crying out loud, so what would cause him to suddenly end all contact. I realize it's only been 2 days and that's really not that long, but it seems longer when you're used to hearing from someone. I'll certainly take all. Your advice into consideration, though. Thanks again!

 
Old 01-15-2011, 11:09 AM   #8
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Re: Why do men do this?

dont mean to sound negative but how do you know for sure he isnt a player? you dont know him well enough. has he said why hes meeting his ex? i just find it strange how hes all interested in you but when hes meeting his ex and not disclosing why hes then been off with you. sorry to say but thats typical behaviour of a player. i could be totally wrong but im just speaking from the many people i have seen and heard of who do those kind of things. i hope i am wrong for your sake. sometimes though when we are all wrapped up in love or the fantasy we are in denial in our minds as to what really is going on. if you are in a relationship then he should be honest with you , it doesnt matter if you've only just got together the whole point of a relationship from start to finish is to be honest thats how people can trust people straight away and have a long healthy happy relationship. if however you two are not in a relationship then theres not much you can say or do as you both are not officially together. just talk thats all i can suggest or just dont contact him let him miss you and contact you i wish you best of luck x

 
Old 01-15-2011, 02:39 PM   #9
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Re: Why do men do this?

This is just my opinion, but it's been my experience that men are much more simple than we make them out to be. It's not mystery why they do this. He just decided he just wasn't that into you. And he didn't bother to tell you he was no longer interested in pursuing anything with you because that would have been uncomfortable and men would rather just disappear than have the embarrassing, uncomfortable "break up talk" and have to deal with "why? what did I do?" and tears and what not. They spend their time on what they want, and they avoid emotional, uncomfortable scenes whenever possible, generally speaking of course. But this guy kind of showed his true colors when you told him about a childhood trauma and instead of saying "I'm so sorry that happened to you" he responded by saying "you're the third girl I've seen with that line, why does this keep happening to ME?" that was an incredibly self-absorbed, insensitive, selfish thing for him to have said. And that's why he pulled the disappearing act. Avoiding discomfort was more important to him than your feelings. I'm sorry, but it happens every day. That's just how men deal with women they don't really care about, or haven't had the chance to grow to care about and just want to get in bed. I've done the online dating thing for about 10 years, and it seems to me most men want to have sex first, and then decide whether or not they like you enough to actually go out with you. Well, i don't play that, and when a man has made sexual innuendos or whatever, I've made it clear I take things a bit slower, and poof!! Up in smoke they go. It never fails.

 
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Old 01-17-2011, 05:20 AM   #10
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Re: Why do men do this?

Wow, I am a man and (unfortunately I have to say) I know exactly what LLM is talking about here. Her post actually put a half-hearted smile on my face.
Okay, not ALL men are like that, if this is a consolation for you, but most of them really fit the description. And yes, I agree that the crucial moment in your interaction with this guy was his unsympathetic response to your revelation about your past. As Writeleft said, you may have opened it too soon, but never mind: now you are in a position to know that one of his main features is lack of tact and selfishness. Move on, please.

 
Old 01-17-2011, 08:03 AM   #11
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Re: Why do men do this?

If he was really into you he wouldn't have pulled away like that. He's taking the cowards way out and avoiding confrontation, or waiting for you to get fed up and call it quits, again avoiding confrontation.

Maybe he decided he doesn't want to date someone who has past issues where he might have to deal with some baggage.

I think you'd be well rid of him if you don't hear from him again.

 
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Old 01-18-2011, 08:54 AM   #12
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Re: Why do men do this?

I agree that this guy seems like he lost interest and is avoiding confrontation because it's the easiest avenue of retreat.

Sometimes a quiet exit is easier than the truth.

Last edited by Administrator; 01-18-2011 at 09:22 AM.

 
Old 01-22-2011, 05:08 PM   #13
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Re: Why do men do this?

Sounds like, for some reason or another, he has cooled off towards you.

My advice? Don't contact him. If he never contacts you again, then you can both just slip out of something that never got fully established in the first place.

Don't put too much thought into this guy, until, and if, he contacts you. He's given you some coldness, so don't reply to let him know that that just doesn't cut it for you. If he's interested, he'll get in touch with you and show you that he's interested.

 
Old 01-23-2011, 05:24 AM   #14
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Re: Why do men do this?

think you had a lucky escape. least you know his true colours and that you didnt mean much to him. when you move on you will meet someone who wants to share special moments with you and hold you in there arms and do all happy couple things. with this guy i doubt you'll ever get it. he aint worth it hes a wimp and heartless.

 
Old 01-23-2011, 10:58 PM   #15
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Re: Why do men do this?

Sad to hear that from you, i know the feeling because it already happened to me once. the thing that comes in my mind at that time was still get lucky because he showed me his true color just in our early stage of our relationship. just move on and soon you will find the right person for you.

 
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