i'm looking for some advice and opinions to help me out in my situation please.
ok here goes, i been with my boyfriend for 1 1/2 year and we met and within day 3 we started living together (yes i know its rushing) but i couldnt stay in my own place something traumatic happened there. before i met my boyfriend i was never at my home i was at friends because of what happened at my place. anyway so we live together since day 3 of our relationship. my mental health is in abit of a state but its improving alot but it used to be bad which caused alot of stress in our relationship but i started getting help and recovering but still got a long way to get yet. anyway i dont go out anywhere i am in the house everyday and so is he ...he doesnt work he got sacked from him job 2 year ago. he isnt trying to look for work but i am ..sometimes.
the problem is he doesnt make anytime for me. theres not much affection. he says its because he sees me everyday and it makes the relationship boring. he says i should move out to gain independence and i am because i can't do with dealing with him been not loving towards me. he says when i move out things should be fine but my problem is , ok this is what goes in my head everyday ''so i have to suffer and feel neglected till i finally move out , am i not worth a hug and some time for just me and you''...it is taking a long time trying to get a place of my own i try every single day but its not just a quick thing and i just want to know is he in right ? or am i in the right? i am trying hard, also trying to recover from my past, family issue to this day. i am not close with my family never have been so i feel i dont have anybody it feels like my family dont want to hold me or love me and feels like my boyfriend doesnt want to hold me or love me either. i am under alot of pressure at moment , i am dealing with alot of issues from my past and him making me feel like i am not wanted here. he says he does want me, he does love me but wants us to have space because we are both at home all day everyday and our relationships gone stale he said he would miss me when we dont see eachother all the time. done it before spent a night away from him and he is more cuddley after BUT i find it hard to get out i have bad anxiety and can't deal with everyday people outside but yes i am getting therapy for that. what do i do? he says once we are working we can move back into gether and get married and have a baby. but i am going out of my mind with stress thinking why do i have to feel like i am not worthy of anything until I move out. its his property , not mine. i am trying to swap my property with someone got 2 viewings next week hope it goes well.
opinions/ advice would be extremely appreciated. thank you for reading.
Last edited by cryingforever; 01-16-2011 at 01:42 AM.
If you browse the boards, you'll see that there have been several girls here who are in similar situations. A relationship can't be good if you are spending every second together...especially if neither of you is working or leaves the house. That would get boring, so I'd say that's your biggest problem.
Is there any reason why neither of you works? And do you just not leave the house because of your anxiety? I'd say the first thing you need to work on is yourself. Get help to deal with your anxiety and all of the other issues that you're dealing with. Once you feel more comfortable with yourself, you'll be a lot more confident and able to be more independent. Once you do that, you will be much happier and able to live your own life. Do either of you have friends? Hobbies? What do you do every day?
I also suggest that both of you get some motivation. It sounds like neither of you really have any at all, which will not only kill yourself (not literally) but your relationship as well. WHY are neither of you looking for jobs?
i dont see my friends because of this anxiety problem i have but i speak to them internet but i want to work on sorting this out so i go out. i am out of work because of severe depression but i am starting to look into going to college and work aswell. i feel i need to get my life together i cant take it anymore having anxiety and depression and not go out. my boyfriends friends come see him everyday but he never goes to there house.
yeah this relationship is very boring no affection no going out together like for a meal out or something. i try get him to come out with me but no luck. he is lazy and he doesnt look for work. i am def working on myself as i am visiting a therapist every week i get taxis to go see her as i can't get on buses yet because i have problems been round people. hobbys? no not really. he has his games and i just go on the internet etc. he came to me last night and gave me a hug and i asked if we could talk and he said yes i asked what was going on and he told me he does love me so very much but that we need to stop spending every second of every day together which i know hes def right there he said a little example to try get me to understand even though i do anyway.....
he said ...
''Imagine you try a mars bar on a monday, then you try it again on a tuesday, then wednesday, then thursday, then friday, then saturday, BUT then it comes sunday and you have eaten mars bars all week your going to think i am bored of having a mars bars as i have eaten them all week BUT imagine if you ate a mars bar every now and again but not every single your not going to get bored of the mars bar are you you'll look forward to eating that mars bar because you have not eat one everyday, this is like our relationship because we spend so much time together we cant have special times together because we are seeing eachother everyday anyway, i dont get a chance to miss you, i dont get a chance to be excited to have any special time with you because we spend too much time together but i do love its just diffacult when i get frustrated''
glad we had that chat as i felt like he hated me or didnt like me but he opened up he said more things than what i have already put above and i am glad i got a proper explanation and reassurance that he loves me but ust wants to breath and i do too he gets on my nervs when i see him every single day.
I'm confused...wasn't this just posted under a different name before?
Anyway, my boyfriend and I live together and so we see each other every day. The difference is, we also have alone time. I don't currently work because I just graduated and I'm job searching, but he's an on-air DJ for a radio station and he works nights. So, at this point, we get to spend our days together for the most part but also have our nights apart. In addition to that, we both have friends and do things with them, both separately and together. We really enjoy getting together with our friends as a group because we get to spend together but also get out and be around other people. We don't really get sick of each other, even seeing each other every day because we both have lives. I think your biggest problem is that neither of you have lives outside of each other. If you are going to get married, you are going to spend every day together. That shouldn't be the problem. Living together shouldn't be the problem. You should be able to live together, see each other every day, and still have your own lives and time apart.
hi, thanks for replying. i didnt really know how to use the site so it all got a little mixed up but its been sorted now sorry for the crazy confusion.
i agree with you that we need time apart and to have our own lives and will be working on that. he said one day in the future we can move back in together down the line he said we need to build a strong relationship first then later down the line move in together.
he's not working and he's not looking for work and his excuse is that when you're both working things will work out.....but he's not working towards that goal....that sounds like he's stalling and doesn't really want things to work out.....by the way who pays his bills while he's sitting around not looking for work?
housing benefit is paying. not working but it seems things was ONLY going to improve when i move out :-( i have spoke to him anyway and hes made a little bit of effort in like affections way but as for work nothing yet.
i giggled at that lol it may improve though in our relationship because we would have time away like i say i have spent a night away from him before and he seemed to miss me and flooded me with affection and happy to be around me. i think hes been this way because of frustration. both getting on eachothers nervs. doesnt help with the kids been there at the weekends but i put that extra stress to the side as its not there fault and they are after all typical annoying kids , i want a baby but i have to wait till he wants one and till we are both working and stable enough in every way. i wont have a baby dont worry not until its right. i am very wise when it comes to that kind of thing.
Last edited by cryingforever; 01-16-2011 at 10:20 AM.
You post all the time and you don't know how to use the site? LOL silly girl!
Definitely do NOT become pregnant. With neither of you working, how would you support a baby?
How does he afford game systems or going out if neither of you works?
Your BF is totally right, you two are around each other every second. I bet you have nothing to talk about because it's not like you don't know what each other is doing all the time! It's not like you can tell him what went on at work or something funny one of your friends said if you don't work and don't see friends. That situation would drive me crazy too.
Definitely move out, work on your anxiety, find a job, even a small part time job and spend time apart from your BF. And don't call/text every minute too, make your time together special. Once you have lives apart from each other, your time together will improve.
I hate to say this, but I went back and looked at your previous posts and you have been posting about your boyfriend since July. No one can tell you that your relationship just isn't going to work, you need to figure that out for yourself. Maybe you should go back and take a look at your other posts though. If you are constantly having major issues that go months back, it's time re-evaluate. I think deep down you know this relationship is not healthy, but you aren't ready to let go yet. Letting go is one of the hardest things to do, but I honestly think you will continue to be unhappy and torturing yourself if you stay with him. Enough is enough... but only you can determine what that point comes.
All relationships are hard and need to be worked on. However, it seems that your situation is extreme and you guys aren't dealing with the "normal" relationship issues that can be fixed.
I also can't help but think that you posted under a different name earlier because you didn't want us to know it was you. If that's the case, you need to figure out why you did that. Is it because you've posted here so often, and your last posts made it seem as though things were getting better when they're really not and you're afraid we're going to tell you to finally leave him? I'm not being rude, just trying to maybe offer a little 'wake up call", which is sometimes what people need.
you are 100% right in everything you said. in all honesty i was scared of what people would say because i am abit of a hypocrit like i advise people to leave a bad relationship but can't do it myself. the relationship is a mess and is so up and down. i apologise for making another account i didnt do it to be malicious i just was worried thats all. i was in fantasy land thinking everythings okay but in all honesty its far from okay. i am seeing my therapist on wednesday 3rd visit and i cant wait i am desperate to become a strong independent woman and get the self respect back and not put up with constant up and downs. i hate my life at moment i am extremely depressed its such a mess. i feel trapped as i cant face the outside world i have extreme anxiety to even look at people in the street , i cant stay in my own home because of the traumas of abit of my past, i am under alot of pressure to moved, to get my mental health and confidence alot better and to get over the babies and the problems i have coping with everything and family issues etc...really am fed up. cry everyday.
Most of the people who post on here do so because they have been through bad relationships. And the ones you see on here frequently posting very likely are in a bad relationship themselves or have issues they are dealing with regarding relationships. My kids' dad for me, for example...it's easy to give advice but lots of times people don't take their own advice. I figured you were trying to pretend to be a newbie so the regulars on here wouldnt' know it was you, but it came out anyway lol.
So...you know what to do to improve your situation, don't you? Fear is keeping you stuck there, so you need to address the fear...right?
You often don't find the strength to leave until after you do. As I've said before, I know because I've been there. You just need to realize that your relationship is not going anywhere, and the sooner you leave, the sooner you can begin rebuilding your life and your happiness. Just remind yourself of the future and all that you have to look forward. It won't be easy, but it WILL be worth it, I promise!
Picture yourself happy. Picture yourself with a guy who loves you, who hugs you, kisses you, talks to you and takes care of you. Picture yourself accomplishing things in your life... getting a job...going out and having fun...getting over your anxiety...
Picture everything that you want. That will help you get out because you know those things can't be accomplished while you're still with him.
Last edited by Mary83; 01-16-2011 at 12:59 PM.
The Following User Says Thank You to Mary83 For This Useful Post: cryingforever (01-16-2011)