Originally Posted by cryingforever
i think thats a good thing to do
. can you tell us what happened with john? and why your thoughts are still of him? dont mean to pry just want to understand more.
Thanks. You're not prying, it's okay.
It's long, so please bare with me...
John and I were introduced through a mutual friend. I was single and my last relationship was a few years prior to that, having come out of a 6 year relationship. Our mutual friend, called me and mentioned she has a friend who saw my picture on her web page who was interested in talking to me.
My friend told me he had just gotten out of a relationship about six months prior (which I was wary of). I didn't see any harm in reaching out to him so I sent him a message and that's how we began corresponding. We corresponded for a couple weeks, at which point, I mentioned we should go out sometime.... He seemed like a cool guy (plus he was cute
) and I figured it would be nice to meet one other. We met for dinner, he was very reserved and we had idle chit chat. At the end of dinner, he asked for a hug, we hugged and I mentioned we'd see each other at our friend's annual b-b-q. He mentioned wanting to get together sooner and I was like "yes that sounds good".
He sent me a text a couple hours afterwards, saying that he was glad to meet me and he complimented me on my appearance and I returned the sentiment. From that point, we began calling and communicating by text several times on a daily basis, more so from him... He had not mentioned an actual date to get together again, so I asked if he'd like to go out again, and he said yes and mentioned dinner and drinks near me. He came to my house and we went to dinner and then a lounge after wards.
He was a gentleman, and the only physical advances he made at that point, was a hug after dinner the first time we met and when we went to cross the street for dinner - he went to hold my hand. When we were at the lounge, we had a few drinks, and I ended up kissing him first. We then danced a little and shortly after, we left. He walked me to my door and came inside and I can't remember for sure, but I think I said he was welcome to sleep over (he lives an hour away). He didn't make any physical advances, I did, but we didn't have sex just kissing and touching.
Our third date, he came over and we watched a movie, and he brought over some drinks (which looking back, wasn't a good idea) he ended up sleeping over again and same thing, we made out heavily but that's it. Our fourth date, I invited him out because it was my Birthday, and our mutual friends were going as well, so I thought it would be cool for all of us to hang out. He picked me up and we drove together and on the way back to my place, he slept over again and we had sex.
He left later in the morning, and called me as soon as he got home. I ended up going to visit my friend in the hospital - she was bitten by a dog in the face the night before. I was supposed to go to the shore that day and stay overnight, but went to see her instead. I told John I would call him when I got back, and he ended up calling me again a couple hours later.
On the way to the hospital, I started to feel very worn out. When I got home from the hospital, I called John and we talked for a little, I got off the phone and had something to eat and I went to bed early. The next day, I felt like a mac truck hit me. I had a fever, was throwing up, I couldn't stand up or walk and my throat was swollen to the point that I could not even take in liquids, there was white puss everywhere in the back of my throat. My cousin ended up taking me to the ER a couple days later because my fever wasn't going down even with aspirin and it was at 104 degrees.
They tested for Mono and Strep (which later came out negative), and gave me Penicillin. I started to feel better after I began taking the Penicillin but I was still in pretty bad shape. I was spent from being out the night before with John, my friend being in the hospital, planning my cousin's 30th surprise birthday party, and helping a friend with advice on his relationship which had me on the phone constantly, I was just mentally exhausted at that point...
I had to go to my cousin's 30th birthday about a week later. I didn't ask John to go, because I wasn't sure if that would be "too much" given that my entire family was there, and I had just invited out for my Birthday not too long before... John and I spoke throughout all of this. He mentioned bringing me soup, which I wanted him to do, but he didn't
He was very sweet though with checking in to see how I was doing, so I wasn't as bummed that he hadn't come by to see me.
At that point we had not seen each other for two weeks. I was hoping he would ask me out for an upcoming weekend but he didn't and instead mentioned us going to see a movie (which didn't come out in the theater for another two weeks). So, it would have been a MONTH since we last saw each other.
There seemed to be ensuing misscommunication in between, on both our parts. He made some comments via text message which confused me and I would try to verbally clarify what he meant by them, so I could understand it better, but I never quite did. Sometimes we both joked around with our text messages, so I think that all caused more confusion. But I assumed by some of his comments, and the fact we had not seen each other for so long, ESPECIALLY since we slept together, him referencing a movie that was another week away lead me to believe he was dating someone else or he was trying to pull away or something.
This is where I panicked. I sent him an email, saying that I don't know if he is freaked out or something, but that I need to have a sense of whether or not we are headed on the same page. His response was that "he wasn't looking ahead as far as a relationship goes", "he feels it takes more time to know that sort of thing" and that "we never discussed boundaries" and "it's not like we hung out those few times and that's it"....
At that point, my mind was all over the place. Things snowballed, and I called and left a few messages, he finally sent me a text that he would call me when he wasn't busy with work....but he never called. I cannot express, how hurt I was inside and how hurt I was by how he acted towards me after our email exchange. I could not make heads or tails of it, was it me? Was it him? Pure confusion.
I don't blame John, for not wanting to get further involved with me after my emotional outburst (our final email exchanges) because a lot of stuff came out of me. A part of me wanted to talk to him further about it, and another part of me already decided for both of us, that I was pulling the plug. But, it wasn't really me who pulled the plug, because he said: "he wasn't looking ahead as far as a relationship goes"
"he feels it takes more time to know that sort of thing"
"we never discussed boundaries"
"it's not like we hung out those few times and that's it"
A few months later, he friend requested me on a different social networking site and shortly after that - I see on his page that he is in a relationship with someone new.
Anyway, in the end, I guess I developed a false sense of intimacy and security with him. How often we spoke, how often he called, text, etc., - the connection I developed towards him. I think part of the reason I have struggled so much with it, after wards, is that (a) I felt deceived (b) I felt rejected (c) He said he wanted to talk and would call, and then left me hanging and (d) His behavior after wards. Those things combined, really did a number on me.
My ownership in this, is learning to pace myself much more slowly, in terms of my feelings. Had I done that, we probably would have parted more amicably, I would have been able to sit down with him face-to-face the next time I saw him and had a non-emotional discussion, despite him telling me what he had told me. Shake hands, and say "okay - just friends", and then parted ways.