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Old 01-15-2011, 07:25 PM   #1
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Have I become Atypical?

I am a female in my thirties and I am struggling with having a relationship.

The last person I had deep feelings towards, was someone I dated for a brief period, which ended over two years ago. Prior to that, I was with someone for several years which I am well over.

Any time I start to think about having feelings towards someone new, my mind goes back to the guy I dated over two years ago and I become depressed. I was out with a new guy, and I am physically and intellectually attracted to him and enjoy being around him but when I got home, I started crying and thinking about the guy from over two years ago. I only cried for a couple minutes, but the following day, I was bummed out for most of the day. I used to cry all the time over it, but now it seems to only happen, when I think about opening myself up towards another person.

My close relative tells me, that sometimes all it takes is just meeting the right person, to get over it. And, I'd like to believe that will be the case for me at some point. I guess what also scares me, is that once that happens, my thoughts and memories of the last guy, will be permanently gone.

I suffer from depression from time to time, and I am able to live a fulfilling life otherwise (i.e. career, friends, family, etc.), but when it comes to romantic relationships - now - I feel as though I've become atypical or something.

I feel like I am permanently damaged and that I will never be able to have deep feelings for another man ever again, let alone fall in love again, and I should just accept it. I also feel that it is not fair to the other person, to become emotionally involved, due to my inability to open my heart again.

Help!

 
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Old 01-16-2011, 12:05 AM   #2
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Re: Have I become Atypical?

I think its just because your not emotionally/mentally ready for a relationship yet. I could be wrong but from your words i could sense your not quite over your latest past relationship. All i can advise on this , is to definatley have counselling to talk it over, to come to terms with it and to move forward. I dont think a relationship is right for a person unless they are able to handle one and are 100% ready. Splitting up with a partner feels like they have died doesnt it? its like we are grieving and i just think your grieving from the break up is taking longer to heal. You could speak to a counsellor to help you move on ,counsellors are really good aswell hugs x

 
Old 01-16-2011, 08:38 AM   #3
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Re: Have I become Atypical?

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Originally Posted by cryingforever View Post
I think its just because your not emotionally/mentally ready for a relationship yet. I could be wrong but from your words i could sense your not quite over your latest past relationship. All i can advise on this , is to definatley have counselling to talk it over, to come to terms with it and to move forward. I dont think a relationship is right for a person unless they are able to handle one and are 100% ready. Splitting up with a partner feels like they have died doesnt it? its like we are grieving and i just think your grieving from the break up is taking longer to heal. You could speak to a counsellor to help you move on ,counsellors are really good aswell hugs x
You're probably right. Just how I respond emotionally, to the thought of liking someone else (i.e. crying and being upset), shows me that I am still somewhat attached to the man I dated from over two years ago (I'll call him "John" to make it easier when referring to him in this thread).

It's not every day I experience that level of sadness, it's just certain things that will trigger it. The last two and half years, I've mourned the loss - so yes, it feels like he died.

My sister and I recently had a discussion about me getting into a relationship with someone new. My eyes teared up when she asked me that. She tells me that obviously I felt a very deep connection with John, which I did. She said it just wasn't meant to be and that I need to decide whether or not I want to be alone for the rest of my life, or open my heart to someone else.

But, I also fear that no one is going to want to get involved with me because I am emotionally scarred. I feel like I will have major trust issues, because of it, partly because I really thought that John and I were on the same page, and he told me we weren't. I felt rejected and not wanted. I didn't expect to fall in love with him, but I did, and it was overwhelming how attached to him I became.

I know I am rambling, I am just trying to sort out my thoughts and feelings and I have been to a therapist for it, and for other things I've struggled with. It's been a tremendous help and I've learned a lot about myself. I do feel I am more in control of my life overall and I see things more objectively.

Thank you for your comments. If anyone else has some words of encouragement, please post!

 
Old 01-16-2011, 08:43 AM   #4
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Re: Have I become Atypical?

you need counselling first to help you move on from past and feel emotionally stable and my advice is dont get in a relationship till you feel over the past and happy enough to be in a new relationship, believe me i have done it myself and seen so many people do it , find someone else when not emotionally/mentally ready and still scarred from the past and it doesnt work because your not truly happy and you have doubts and uncertainty. contact your doctor and ask to see a counsellor to talk it over thats ya best bet i think.

sorry i skipped a little of your reply so i didnt read the end bit dont know why i did that silly me. yeah so you've had therapy i take it even though its helped you alot you still dont feel right about everything im guessing? ...could you go back for more counselling or do you feel it would be a waste of time? nothing wrong with trying that little bit extra lol. awww hugs honey you will get there in the end just be strong and move forward best you can. and only get with someone if your head and heart is truly in it.

Last edited by cryingforever; 01-16-2011 at 08:45 AM.

 
Old 01-16-2011, 10:11 AM   #5
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Re: Have I become Atypical?

That's okay. Correct - even though I've had therapy (which has helped tremendously), I still do not feel 100% right. I am not against going back, I feel if it is something that has helped in the past, I can only benefit more from it. I stopped going after almost two years, because I reached a point of inner peace - but I need to get to place where I am not effected by the thought of John, such as what I've described. That is the only time as of late, that the residual feelings are brought to the surface. And that is what is preventing me from moving forward, completely.

I will have to make an appointment to go back to the therapist, and focus solely on moving forward, so that I can be open to a new relationship and be 100% emotionally available.

Last edited by hb-mod; 01-16-2011 at 10:34 AM. Reason: Removed Quote from previous post. Please use "Quick" Reply rather than "Quote" Reply. Thanks!

 
Old 01-16-2011, 10:14 AM   #6
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Re: Have I become Atypical?

i think thats a good thing to do . can you tell us what happened with john? and why your thoughts are still of him? dont mean to pry just want to understand more.

 
Old 01-16-2011, 11:07 AM   #7
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Re: Have I become Atypical?

I have a friend who went through a breakup with a guy she loved and wanted to marry. She kept saying she was over him but not over what he did to her. So she didn't date anyone and occasionally allowed him to use her for sex. He married someone else, divorced, then married someone else yet again. And during that whole time she never dated anyone except for a brief time when she got involved with a married man (another dead end!). 15 years have gone by...now she's too old to have kids. All she ever wanted was to be a wife and mother, but she let her heartbreak over this one guy destroy her chances to ever have what she wanted. She's alone and middle aged, and she could have dated many guys but refused to because she "wasn't over" that guy. Really sad because she's attractive and fun, but she let her heartbreak over a guy 15 years ago ruin her life.

Don't be that woman. Don't allow your heartbreak over a guy 2 years ago ruin the rest of your life.

 
Old 01-16-2011, 12:16 PM   #8
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Re: Have I become Atypical?

i agree with cadenceA , that story of that woman is really sad . try move on from this guy hes holding you back from finding someone really special.

 
Old 01-16-2011, 12:30 PM   #9
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Re: Have I become Atypical?

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i think thats a good thing to do . can you tell us what happened with john? and why your thoughts are still of him? dont mean to pry just want to understand more.
Thanks. You're not prying, it's okay.

It's long, so please bare with me...

John and I were introduced through a mutual friend. I was single and my last relationship was a few years prior to that, having come out of a 6 year relationship. Our mutual friend, called me and mentioned she has a friend who saw my picture on her web page who was interested in talking to me.

My friend told me he had just gotten out of a relationship about six months prior (which I was wary of). I didn't see any harm in reaching out to him so I sent him a message and that's how we began corresponding. We corresponded for a couple weeks, at which point, I mentioned we should go out sometime.... He seemed like a cool guy (plus he was cute ) and I figured it would be nice to meet one other. We met for dinner, he was very reserved and we had idle chit chat. At the end of dinner, he asked for a hug, we hugged and I mentioned we'd see each other at our friend's annual b-b-q. He mentioned wanting to get together sooner and I was like "yes that sounds good".

He sent me a text a couple hours afterwards, saying that he was glad to meet me and he complimented me on my appearance and I returned the sentiment. From that point, we began calling and communicating by text several times on a daily basis, more so from him... He had not mentioned an actual date to get together again, so I asked if he'd like to go out again, and he said yes and mentioned dinner and drinks near me. He came to my house and we went to dinner and then a lounge after wards.

He was a gentleman, and the only physical advances he made at that point, was a hug after dinner the first time we met and when we went to cross the street for dinner - he went to hold my hand. When we were at the lounge, we had a few drinks, and I ended up kissing him first. We then danced a little and shortly after, we left. He walked me to my door and came inside and I can't remember for sure, but I think I said he was welcome to sleep over (he lives an hour away). He didn't make any physical advances, I did, but we didn't have sex just kissing and touching.

Our third date, he came over and we watched a movie, and he brought over some drinks (which looking back, wasn't a good idea) he ended up sleeping over again and same thing, we made out heavily but that's it. Our fourth date, I invited him out because it was my Birthday, and our mutual friends were going as well, so I thought it would be cool for all of us to hang out. He picked me up and we drove together and on the way back to my place, he slept over again and we had sex.

He left later in the morning, and called me as soon as he got home. I ended up going to visit my friend in the hospital - she was bitten by a dog in the face the night before. I was supposed to go to the shore that day and stay overnight, but went to see her instead. I told John I would call him when I got back, and he ended up calling me again a couple hours later.

On the way to the hospital, I started to feel very worn out. When I got home from the hospital, I called John and we talked for a little, I got off the phone and had something to eat and I went to bed early. The next day, I felt like a mac truck hit me. I had a fever, was throwing up, I couldn't stand up or walk and my throat was swollen to the point that I could not even take in liquids, there was white puss everywhere in the back of my throat. My cousin ended up taking me to the ER a couple days later because my fever wasn't going down even with aspirin and it was at 104 degrees.

They tested for Mono and Strep (which later came out negative), and gave me Penicillin. I started to feel better after I began taking the Penicillin but I was still in pretty bad shape. I was spent from being out the night before with John, my friend being in the hospital, planning my cousin's 30th surprise birthday party, and helping a friend with advice on his relationship which had me on the phone constantly, I was just mentally exhausted at that point...

I had to go to my cousin's 30th birthday about a week later. I didn't ask John to go, because I wasn't sure if that would be "too much" given that my entire family was there, and I had just invited out for my Birthday not too long before... John and I spoke throughout all of this. He mentioned bringing me soup, which I wanted him to do, but he didn't He was very sweet though with checking in to see how I was doing, so I wasn't as bummed that he hadn't come by to see me.

At that point we had not seen each other for two weeks. I was hoping he would ask me out for an upcoming weekend but he didn't and instead mentioned us going to see a movie (which didn't come out in the theater for another two weeks). So, it would have been a MONTH since we last saw each other.

There seemed to be ensuing misscommunication in between, on both our parts. He made some comments via text message which confused me and I would try to verbally clarify what he meant by them, so I could understand it better, but I never quite did. Sometimes we both joked around with our text messages, so I think that all caused more confusion. But I assumed by some of his comments, and the fact we had not seen each other for so long, ESPECIALLY since we slept together, him referencing a movie that was another week away lead me to believe he was dating someone else or he was trying to pull away or something.

This is where I panicked. I sent him an email, saying that I don't know if he is freaked out or something, but that I need to have a sense of whether or not we are headed on the same page. His response was that "he wasn't looking ahead as far as a relationship goes", "he feels it takes more time to know that sort of thing" and that "we never discussed boundaries" and "it's not like we hung out those few times and that's it"....

At that point, my mind was all over the place. Things snowballed, and I called and left a few messages, he finally sent me a text that he would call me when he wasn't busy with work....but he never called. I cannot express, how hurt I was inside and how hurt I was by how he acted towards me after our email exchange. I could not make heads or tails of it, was it me? Was it him? Pure confusion.

I don't blame John, for not wanting to get further involved with me after my emotional outburst (our final email exchanges) because a lot of stuff came out of me. A part of me wanted to talk to him further about it, and another part of me already decided for both of us, that I was pulling the plug. But, it wasn't really me who pulled the plug, because he said:

"he wasn't looking ahead as far as a relationship goes"
"he feels it takes more time to know that sort of thing"
"we never discussed boundaries"
"it's not like we hung out those few times and that's it"


A few months later, he friend requested me on a different social networking site and shortly after that - I see on his page that he is in a relationship with someone new.

Anyway, in the end, I guess I developed a false sense of intimacy and security with him. How often we spoke, how often he called, text, etc., - the connection I developed towards him. I think part of the reason I have struggled so much with it, after wards, is that (a) I felt deceived (b) I felt rejected (c) He said he wanted to talk and would call, and then left me hanging and (d) His behavior after wards. Those things combined, really did a number on me.

My ownership in this, is learning to pace myself much more slowly, in terms of my feelings. Had I done that, we probably would have parted more amicably, I would have been able to sit down with him face-to-face the next time I saw him and had a non-emotional discussion, despite him telling me what he had told me. Shake hands, and say "okay - just friends", and then parted ways.

 
Old 01-16-2011, 12:48 PM   #10
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Re: Have I become Atypical?

Quote:
Originally Posted by CadenceA View Post
I have a friend who went through a breakup with a guy she loved and wanted to marry. She kept saying she was over him but not over what he did to her. So she didn't date anyone and occasionally allowed him to use her for sex. He married someone else, divorced, then married someone else yet again. And during that whole time she never dated anyone except for a brief time when she got involved with a married man (another dead end!). 15 years have gone by...now she's too old to have kids. All she ever wanted was to be a wife and mother, but she let her heartbreak over this one guy destroy her chances to ever have what she wanted. She's alone and middle aged, and she could have dated many guys but refused to because she "wasn't over" that guy. Really sad because she's attractive and fun, but she let her heartbreak over a guy 15 years ago ruin her life.

Don't be that woman. Don't allow your heartbreak over a guy 2 years ago ruin the rest of your life.
Well, there has been no using for sex, we have not seen nor spoken to each other since.

But you're right. And that is the fear that was instilled in me, by my sister actually, and I do not want to pass up other people because I didn't allow myself to mend my broken heart. The thing of it is though, I would rather be alone, than be with someone for the wrong reasons. Meaning, I don't want to settle, for the sake of marriage, kids, etc. Settle in the sense, that I have someone who is a great fit for me, but someone that I am not able to love 100%.

I am still young, I am still beautiful, and I still have my fun loving nature. I have my friends, my family, my career, my property I still own, money saved for my retirement and I have inheritance to help me in the future financially.

So, those things are okay for now, in terms of security. I just have to get to a point where I can let my love shine.

 
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