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Old 01-18-2011, 11:06 PM   #1
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How do you really lose a guy in 10 days?

The man in my life for 4 years is verbally abusive, is an alcoholic 100%, is a control freak, and enjoys buying me things only as a green-light to treat me like S _ _ _, and like a child, and throw back in my face the things he's done for me. we've had many fights and arguments over the years, several times he's insisted we take a break, I've told him numerous times to go and find someone else, he's even yelled at me in a drunken rage that he could better deal me in a heartbeat, to which i told him to go ahead. Then he tried to apologize and take it back that he was just using that as an analogy-but of course every single argument is my fault, according to him, and our lack of relationship is because of me and all my fault because I anger him so much by treating him so horribly and with no respect---these are all his words. He is constantly saying i dont appreciate him or anything he does for me. he couldnt be more wrong-but he chooses his way of thinking and runs with it and there's nothing you can say to him to change his wrongful mind. to me, i feel like the man in the relationship and he is acting like a whiny little girl in elementary school, AND IT'S MAKING ME UTTERLY SICK AND NAUSEATED. Everytime he calls me up i get chest pains, shortness of breath, anxiety attacks, and the call usually ends in an abrupt hang-up because i cant take anymore. I keep telling him to go and he keeps coming back. All he wants is to have sex and get drunk. he wants nothing serious with me. i want a real relationship, a husband someday, someone who actually can be a man-and he wants nothing to do with that. he's already been there done that-he says. So my question is how and what to say to get him to leave me alone? I've thought of restraining order, i've thought of calling the cops on him, i've even done the plain and simple and told him he needs to find someone else that's more on his level, but he keeps bothering me and being verbally, mentally abusive-calling me up and upsetting me by saying frustrating, annoying, untrue things in his drunken alcoholic state. someone please help.

 
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Old 01-19-2011, 01:19 AM   #2
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Re: How do you really lose a guy in 10 days?

I take it you don't live together? Tell him you're done and you don't want him contacting you again. Then block his number, emails etc and don't answer the door to him when he comes round. If he doesn't stop then get that restraining order.

 
Old 01-19-2011, 05:09 AM   #3
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Re: How do you really lose a guy in 10 days?

This is a tough one, because apparently he is violent or at least prone to violence. Hmmm, I don't know, but I guess I would leave a letter, pack my things and go, vanishing into the thin air. But before doing so, I would first talk to a lawyer (in case you guys are married) to see what I would be losing in terms of material properties and things etc and to know what my rights really are. If my peace of mind is more important than any home appliances, I wouldn't give it a second thought. Please try to find a safe and distant place for yourself, where you can start your life from scratch. It will be hard, but probably less hard than they ways you are living now.

Last edited by pendulum; 01-19-2011 at 05:10 AM.

 
Old 01-19-2011, 05:19 AM   #4
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Re: How do you really lose a guy in 10 days?

You're right, we do not live together, he wants nothing to do with that-says he's "been there already", which that makes me sick too,-as he tells me about the other girlfriends he has had that have lived with him, but that doesn't really matter right now, but not living with him is a blessing in disguise, i see it. I literally have gotten to the point where I can't stand his voice. When someone who you've given your all too tells you the horrible, degrading, untrue things over and over, after a while, you've had enough and well, I guess I've reached my limit with him. when i don't answer the phone or his emails, he comes beating on my door at my place-which puts a knot in my stomach, but I guess that's when i will call the police or my apt security on him. Going to try your advice and just not answer his calls or anything. I'll let you know, thanks.

 
Old 01-19-2011, 05:26 AM   #5
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Re: How do you really lose a guy in 10 days?

Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
This is a tough one, because apparently he is violent or at least prone to violence. Hmmm, I don't know, but I guess I would leave a letter, pack my things and go, vanishing into the thin air. But before doing so, I would first talk to a lawyer (in case you guys are married) to see what I would be losing in terms of material properties and things etc and to know what my rights really are. If my peace of mind is more important than any home appliances, I wouldn't give it a second thought. Please try to find a safe and distant place for yourself, where you can start your life from scratch. It will be hard, but probably less hard than they ways you are living now.
Hey thanks for the advice. Yes, when he starts drinking, any little thing sets him on fire. i could look at something the wrong way and he would start a yelling match with me, he's thrown stuff at me, punched the wall right in front of my face, shoved me, but never hit me-but one good thing i dont have any of my stuff at his house to pack. he won't allow me to have things at his house. it freaks him out into thinking the relationship is getting too serious for him-we're talking about a man who's pretty well established in years too, so you would think the games would have ended long ago, but not in this case. that's what i can't take anymore either. i'm glad to have a man's perspective on this situation.

 
Old 01-19-2011, 05:27 AM   #6
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Re: How do you really lose a guy in 10 days?

Oh, I have missed (overlooked) this point: you guys don't live together. That makes a lot of difference. In this case, Ely's advice makes good sense.

 
Old 01-19-2011, 05:54 AM   #7
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Re: How do you really lose a guy in 10 days?

I agree that you should stop answering his calls. If he shows up at your door, yes absolutely call the police! Don't let this guy walk all over you like this! You are so lucky you don't live with him! Use it to your advantage and disappear from contact with him and use the police to keep him away from you. Yes definitely become "that person" who calls the police anytime he shows up because he will get the message that you're done. Up to now, you have been too flaky with him so he thinks you're still fair game. But you need to as forcefully as possible put your foot down and stop this drama. You just haven't been forceful enough, that's why he keeps coming around. Call the police, I'm telling you, if he shows up then call them. And get caller I'd so you can make sure not to answer the phone when he calls!

 
Old 01-19-2011, 06:39 AM   #8
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Re: How do you really lose a guy in 10 days?

you don't live together, this shouldn't be that hard......
you make up your mind that you're done, and you be done!
change your locks if he has a key, tell him it's over and to lose your number

 
Old 01-19-2011, 06:51 AM   #9
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Re: How do you really lose a guy in 10 days?

I'm wondering why he has all the power in this relationship. If you don't live together, then change your phone #, change your locks, and call it a day. Maybe even take a vacation somewhere for a week and don't let him know. Ask a friend to keep watch on your place.

You are only keeping him around if you don't take action and do something that pushes him away.
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Old 02-02-2011, 07:12 PM   #10
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Re: How do you really lose a guy in 10 days?

He hasnt hit you, but he has shoved you. (among other things, not trivializing the wmotional and verbal abuse) he has put his hamds on you, thats enough. It is over. Write a letter, and tell him its done. Change your locks and if he comes over call the cops.

 
Old 02-03-2011, 09:50 AM   #11
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Re: How do you really lose a guy in 10 days?

Nicole, this is your life and you have to be strong to live it the way you want. Life's too short to put up with this. You're going to have to get tougher. You've told him to go find someone else, but that wording isn't strong enough. Have you ever told him "I don't want you coming around anymore, I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. Come around again and I'll call the cops." ? You've always turned it around on him, making it HIS choice to go find someone else or not. You haven't made it clear that it's YOUR choice that you don't want him around. And YES, when he comes beating on your door, call the cops. Get a restraining order if you have to. Getting tough is the only way you're going to get rid of him.

 
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