Ok here is my case,
I have been with my girlfriend for 6 years now, we had a great relationship.
She was my partner and a friend aswell. After 3 years of our relationship we moved in together and it was great for the most part. Unfortunately i had a problem with marihuana, i used it a lot and it started to affect me in multiple ways: i was lazy as hell, i was changing jobs frequently and did not rush to find new ones while indulging myself with weed... Actually had most of the problems a typical addict has. Obviously this fact had a great impact on my relationship with her. One day i told myself that i have to get a grip on myself and to do so i decided to move out to my parent's house which was about 300km away from the town i lived in with my gf, she was verry supportive and even though she did not want to let me go, she also felt that this was a good decision. And so i did, I got a good job, stopped smoking and started to be a lot more responsible than i ever was. The bad side of it was that after i moved out my gf found new flatmates. Well good to say here that i am a jelous type, i had a few bad experiences with unfaithful gf's. The fact that both guys were good loking added fuel to the fire. We were seeing each other once a week when i visited my former flat to go to school. Because i was jelous of her living with those guys i tried to get to know them, unfortunately this did not work out so well, they did not want to talk to me, i also gave my share in letting them know in subtle ways that i'm not comfortable with the situation going on. At the same time the relationship between them and my gf was getting better and better, they started going out together until late at night, there were situations when i was unsuccesfully tried to call her to find out in a few minutes that she didn't answer because her flatmate was in her room... at two o clock in the night... At the same time our friendly relations started to fade, we didn't talk as much as earlier, instead she did that with them. About a year after i moved back with my parents, i got her to confess that she did cheat on me once (she made out with a guy in a club) but not with any of her flatmates, offcourse i am not shure if this is the whole truth. I told her that in this situation if she still wants to be with me she has to move out to another flat, she did that. Now she is living in a new appartment but i know she is still seeing them behind my back, they are making fun of me without her reacting. My question: Do i have anything to be mad at her ? Should i let it go or should i tell her to stop her relationship with them ? By the way english is not my native language so sorry if what i wrote is unclear, if so i'd be more than glad to clarify.
English is not my native language, either, so we are even, lol.
From what I was able to gather, your girlfriend appears to be a normal person (out of loneliness and need, many people are capable of doing things, if you see what I mean, especially if they are young and healthy) and willing to make the relationship work: otherwise she wouldn't have moved out to another flat. Honestly, although I can your reasons, I found your order a bit too intimidating. On second thoughts, she may have done it just out of fear of you, I don't know, it's a bit confusing. The general impression I get is that there is no real intimacy any longer between you guys, like the old proverb: out of sight, out of heart. Are you sure you still love her, or you just want to keep her under your control? Please ask your heart what is really going on: is this still love or are you just trying to remain at the steering wheel?
@pendulum: if by "fear of me" you mean fear of loosing me than yes, i gave her an ultimatum, otherwise she has no reason to fear me and she knows that well, when it comes to the question about me still loving her or wanting to stay at the steering wheel... heck, to be compleeeetly honest i think it's a mixture of both
@winterblue: by letting go i ment to not to react to this situation in any of the ways i pointed out in my op, i think you mean leaving her. Am i correct?
"so many people that are more like you" - that's the problem, from my observations i can on 99% state that when it comes to jelousy she is like me, you see i'm a musician, my own gigs are my prime "harvest time" (that's the way i picked her up ).
She is present on most of my gigs and i can sense what she feels like when a pretty girl comes up to me only to chat,not calmly to say the least. I can also state 100% that if we would turn the chessboard, or to be more exact if she was put in my pants and had to endure me living with two beautiful girls which she does not know, drinking and partying all night with them, beeing in my room at night/morning hours, making frequent sex references in chats and hiding most of those facts she would freeaaak out! (i think that deep in her heart she knows that very well)
One of the toughest parts of this situation is that she doesn't want me around when they are together ,which is quite understandable given that our previous shots at getting to know each other turned out bad, but that doesn't make the situation easier... I really want the best for both of us, even if it means saying goodbye to each other. I need some more perspective on this so please HELP!
Last edited by seniorbuyer; 01-19-2011 at 03:33 PM.
@writeleft: I would appreciate your input very much. First of all she allready satisfied the ultimatum by moving out from the old appartment which made things better but not perfect. You see after i let her down and acted like an ordinary junkie i had to work very hard for almost two years to regain her trust, in my point of view the same should apply to her and lying about seeing them or any other situation which could make me jelous does not make things better... I understand that it is not easy to openly tell everything to the most important person in your life esspecially when it can anger this person but hey, you got to drink the beer you brewed as they say in my country. About the ultimatum: Quoting my exact words would be quite impossible for 3 reasons, the first one is that we had that talk about 3 months ago and my short-term memory is still not in the best shape, second one is that i live in Poland and translating 100% exactly what i said would be impossible, third one is that this ultimatum was included in a 3 hour talk with her so i could write a whole book about it . I can try to give you the essence of what i said back then: "I love You very much and i cannot see how i could go on without you, but after what you did (cheated on me) the thought of you still living with those guys (pointing out every situation that makes me feel jelous) is killing me from the inside and i am no longer willing to endure this torture, if you want to continue building this relationship with me then you got to move out from this flat, otherwise i cannot go on any longer like this and i will have to break up with You" I also asked her how she would feel if she were in my situation, she looked down and told me "i don't knnow" (i felt that she did know and that she would fell the same).
Another thing which worries me is the way she reacts to them trash-talking me, i cannot care less about them bashing me but her reaction to it (something like "ahh, stop it" or "i know what's best for me") does raise my concern a bit. Do you guys think that those worries are groundless?
I hope that this gives you a better overlook of the whole situation, if not let me know and i will tell you more.
Thank all of you for your input, i appreciate your help.
Really!! Do you know anything about love? If you love you trust, if you love you have no need to hide anything or anyone. It does not sound like love on either part.
I can see where you are coming from winterblue, maybe i actually do not know a thing about love and our relationship is a farce of two emotional kids. But to me your definition of love sounds a bit like a fairy tale.I know very well that she hides those facts because she wants to stay with me without hurting me in the process. I also want to be with her in the same time not putting a restraint on her and letting her do whatever is acceptable for both sides (like i said before she would freak out in my situation and she knows that) We want to spend every minute together but unfortunately right now this is impossible , we both want the best for both sides not for the unit, we both care for each other very much but unfortunately we both failed our mutual trust which was there in the first place. If after everything we went through we still have the drive to rebuild what we had then this is my definition of love. Thanks for Your input !
Last edited by seniorbuyer; 01-20-2011 at 03:06 AM.
OK my new vision on this relationship. No I don't live in a fairy tale. To have a healthy relationship you do have bumps of course that is life. When you bring jealousy into it then you are lacking self confidence, which to me is knowing that you can exist without the other person. There are no having to see friends privately to save the other persons feelings. That is just a hurtful tactic . When you get healthier from whatever drug of choice you use you will gain self confidence. If she truly cares or you care for her stand up and let it be known that you are healing and gaining back your power of self. Truly is it that you don't want to have someone in your life that you don't have to give ultimatums to . Gain pride more selfesteem and begin to love yourself and know that , that kind of actions are not love. If I'm correct you don't like these friends because your jealous, stop jealousy is a emotion that take alot of energy away from the energy you can put into yourself or finding someone that may be a better partner. Waisted Energy I promise will get you no where but down.
She moved out to keep you happy, how much are you going to ask of her? Just because you are in a relationship with someone doesn't mean you can tell them who they can or cannot be friends with. She also shouldn't be hiding what she's doing so as not to hurt you. If she's hiding things that you have reasonable objections to, then she shouldn't be doing those things. On the other hand if she's hiding things because you are being unreasonable about those actions, then you need to leave it alone.
You cannot rebuild a relationship if there is no trust there. This relationship doesn't sound very health at the moment. You both need to trust each other or it isn't going to work out.
Thank you for clarifying things, and without having to write a book to do so!
If two people can honestly put the past behind them, and forge a healthier, stronger, fulfilling bond, it is going to have to be based on self respect, as well as mutual respect.
I do not think your girl is doing you or your potential relationship justice. I can see how her behavior with the "friends" would not make you feel very secure or well respected by your girl. In fact, her allowing anyone to say a word about you behind your back, (unless it is positive) is a sign of disrespect that you do not deserve. Her thoughts seem to be more on this second than on anything down the road.
In fact, I am surprised you could stand that..not to mention all the other childish things she is doing. She is playing on your jealousy, rather than supporting you.. just by allowing any questionable behavior., much less all this nonsense!
My sense is that you have a much clearer picture of what a good relationship takes, and what you will offer to hold up your end of the bargain.
She, on the other hand appears to be much less mature, and less able to see how her choices are undermining the relationship possibilities with you. What woman thinks she can have men in her room all hours, sneak around to be with her "friends" and the kicker for me...allow others to speak about you in anything other than the most respectful way. She cannot expect a man to accept such poor treatment. The jealousy is certain to rear it's head when she is behaving in the ways you describe. She does not seems to value your trust.
I feel as if I have met this type of woman before.
In the big picture, I do not think she is doing her part. She either is not yet mature enough to understand her actions as being destructive, or she knows exactly what she is doing. I hope for number one, as it falls on innocence and can be grown out of.
My man and I lived together for several years (in my house) and there came a time that it was not working well. I did not want to break up, just not to have him living with me..he was too grouchy after work. He moved back in to his old house, and things have been even better than ever.
The difference here is that there was never any cheating, never any reason for jealousy, no secret meetings with "friends". Instead, we went back to dating each other, adding the mystery back, the fun and the romance (which all can go out the window when living together.) Can this work without all the effort being made on each partners behalf, I don't think it could.
I imagine this will be an on going conversation for a while, I hope we can offer you some ideas that help you in your decision making. Having lots of input is a great way to think things out, so I am happy you chose to bring this to the HealthBoards.