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Old 01-22-2011, 12:05 PM   #1
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Two emotionally abused people.

My girlfriend and I had a falling out a month ago. She had confided with me that she was emotionally abused until she was 16. I have read a bit about how to deal with her in regards to do's and don't's. Our relationship had been going well for most part. When I first dated her, I came to their house and met her mom. Soon after I arrived, her mom left for a dinner. We decided to go for a walk with the dogs. During this time, her mom called her several times. She told me that her mom was making sure I have not killed her yet. At that time, I thought it was just a joke. Our relationship went on quite fast as after a few months of seeing each other on weekends, she proposed to move in with me. I obliged.
During this time, I observed her to be waking in the middle of the night. I asked her what was wrong, she told me that she could hear voices. As I tried to talk to her about this, she would dismiss me by saying you will not understand. As I pushed to talk about it, she will get upset so I left it alone.
Also, she started telling me about my character flaws such as being impulsive, I constantly change moods, I get bored easily. But every time I would try to discuss this with her, she again will dismiss it or will get upset. Again I left it alone as to me it was no big deal.
Well, I also have issues of my own. I likewise was emotionally abused during my childhood years. The biggest trauma I have is the feeling of being abandoned. I shared this insecurity with her.
One evening, we had an argument about our finances. No yelling, no screaming. I pointed out to her that since we moved in together, I was the sole provider for everything. From mortgage, food, living expenses even helping her mom out. I pointed to her that not once did I complain about this. Thus our saving in the bank was not what she expected. Then all of a sudden, she decided to leave and she told me she will go to her mom's house.
I felt she was leaving me for good. I got upset. I then directed my anger by kicking stuff in basement while she was still there. She left and I went out for a drive to cool off.
The following day, she notified me that she was breaking up the relationship. Her complaint was that I was careless with money and I had a reckless personality. As I tried to discuss this, she said she had to go.
I then went over to her place of work and waited for her until her work was done. She completely ignored me. As I approached her, she had this look of being terrified of me. I did not understand why she was acting in a scared fashion.
So instead of leaving her, I followed her car in hopes of talking with her. When she stopped in front of a well lit Walmart parking lot, I saw her crying, hysterical. What happened ?
As I tried to calm her down and trying to reassure her that I was not there to hurt her, she became even more hysterical. I did not know what to do or calm her down. So I decided to call her mom.
When her mom arrived, she screamed at me to leave them alone. As I tried to talk to her, she even got more upset.
So I left.
The following day, cops where all over my house. They reported me for stalking her.
The mom filed a restraining order against me.
What did I do ?
I then went to the internet to find out about 'reckeless personality'. Oh my, they think I have a borderline personality disorder. I then proceeded to consult a psychologist to determine if I was. She assured me I was not.
I am still trying to get a grasp as to what had happened.
I have broken the NC rule imposed by the court to send her a letter of an apology and explained to her that I meant her no harm. She responded to me by saying that she understood BUT do not send any letters to her home as her mom will report me to the cops.
We have since communicated via email. Just a cordial exchange, we do not talk about our relationship.
I still love her as I also know she loves me.
But I need help on how to deal with someone who has been emotionally abused. As for me, I am on a weekly therapy with a psychologist to deal with my own abandonment and anger issues.
I am not sure at this point on what to do as to how I approach her. She has responded to every email I send her.
Some people told me to walk away from her. But how could you walk away from someone you care ? I can't leave her out in the cold knowing about her issues from the past.

Thanks.

 
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Old 01-22-2011, 01:40 PM   #2
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Re: Two emotionally abused people.

maybe leave her for a few days to cool off or a couple of weeks. i think you didnt mean any harm either you just wanted to talk to her although you should of left her alone because its really annoying when your not ready to talk and someones trying to make you talk, by trying to talk to you if that makes any sense. shes over reacted from the sounds of it but i dont know how bad things got between you both. i think she might mean it though that its over between you both maybe she thinks theres no point in going back. your aggresive outburst in your basement wont have helped though it might have scared her but you cant change that now its happened. hope you both can work things out. my advice to you is stop chasing her , give her time to cool down and to realise if thats REALLY what she wants and see if she misses you and comes chasing you for a change. you will never know till you either back off for abit or she tells you. my mum always told me ''youve tried so you get on with things and they might think oooh thats wierd hes not chasing me anymore and they might realise what they had and miss you and come running back to you'' she was right every single time. but everyones different it may not work for some. good luck and be strong give her space, dont text call or email and see what happens give it 2 week or something. its up to you.

but then again if it was me i wouldnt want someone back whos acted like her...you say you pay for everything and she throws that back in your face, you try talk to her and she gets an injunction against you? but again suppose it depends how bad things got but if you wasnt that bad then obviously shes over reacted and not been entirely fair.

Last edited by cryingforever; 01-22-2011 at 01:43 PM.

 
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