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Old 01-23-2011, 06:40 PM   #1
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Distant newlywed

Hi thanks for reading this post. I would greatly appreciate any input on my issue, I have nowhere else to go.
I have been married for almost 2 years now but have been in a relationship with my husband for 8 years. We did not live together until we were married. Since we have been living together things have been different.
I started feeling like I was his mother then like a room-mate. I tried my best to keep everything perfect for him and didn't want to complain. I didn't want to "nag". Eventually I got tired of keeping things up for them to just become messy a few hours later.
Now our house looks like one from an episode of hoarder's.
Our sexlife became terrible. We sleep in different bedrooms, he sleeps in my bed on the weekend. At first he blamed it on being busy.Then blamed it on using condoms so I took oral contraceptives as birth control. I had horrible side effects so I discontinued. I became depressed.
Now that I am getting back to normal I want my husband to make love to me.
He has no interest in sex/making love with me. I am in my twenties and attractive! I tried sexy bras/panties, sensual massages. I even surprised him with naughty pictures. I initiate everything. He acts distant and says that we should wait and let it build up.
I was worried that he was cheating on me because I got that feeling and had a strange dream of being shot in the heart. I found two profiles for him on an internet dating site. I looked because he has done this kind of thing before. He is good at hiding his history. I found some softcore porn on his phone. I didn't want to accuse him of anything so I simply asked about his profiles. He said that has no idea how the site got his information. I believed him.
Then the sexual issue came up again.
I tried to talk to him about it without putting the blame on him. I just wanted him to know that I feel rejected and am hurt by his distance. He responded with anger and accused me of having delusions. I wanted to know if I had done anything to make him feel resentful. I am so confused now.
He is constantly on the computer and on his phone "checking" his business. He takes the phone with him every time he goes to the bathroom.
I am sorry this has become a very long post. Please help me.

 
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Old 01-23-2011, 07:12 PM   #2
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Re: Distant newlywed

Trust your gutt, something is up. It is not normal for a young man (assuming he is close to your age) to not want sex. I would start snooping and finding out. The phone thing is fishy.
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Old 01-24-2011, 12:32 AM   #3
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Re: Distant newlywed

It sounds like you two are not compatible. Dating someone and living with someone is not the same thing at all, as you have found out.

As for the internet dating sites, the only way they would get his details was if he put them in himself. He had profiles because he created them.

He obviously has some desire or he wouldn't be using porn, but it's a major problem when it replaces your sex life.

When you try to talk to him about these issues, he turns it around and makes it your fault, which is also a big red flag.

You need to consider how much of this is a deal-breaker for you, because it doesn't seem like he will change the way he is.

 
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Old 01-24-2011, 01:08 AM   #4
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Re: Distant newlywed

I hope to reply more in the morning when I'm not quite so tired, but I just had to post really quickly. I want to say that people don't just randomly end up dating sites. They have to go to them, sign up, and fill out a profile. I know you want to trust your husband, but believe me, he's lying if he told you he doesn't know how it happened. It doesn't matter what sites he was on, HE did it. Dating sites don't just randomly pick up people's information...none of them do.

Also, is he EVER without his phone? If not, that's an issue too... because it means he's hiding something. My boyfriend leaves his phone, computer, etc. around all the time and I could easily look in them if I wanted to. That's because he has nothing to hide so he's not worried that I might pick it up and find something.

Last edited by Mary83; 01-24-2011 at 01:11 AM.

 
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Old 01-24-2011, 08:27 AM   #5
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Re: Distant newlywed

It doesn't sound like he wants to be married to you at all. If it were me, I'd ask him to go to counseling and if he refuses, then it would be over. This isn't a marriage at all. I'd rather be by myself than in a relationship like this.

 
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Old 01-24-2011, 11:07 AM   #6
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Re: Distant newlywed

Quote:
Originally Posted by msolvido View Post
I found two profiles for him on an internet dating site. I looked because he has done this kind of thing before. He is good at hiding his history. I found some softcore porn on his phone. I didn't want to accuse him of anything so I simply asked about his profiles. He said that has no idea how the site got his information. I believed him.
Just so you know, he totally lied about how his profile got on those dating sites. It was an outright flat out lie. Sites can't just randomly generate dating profiles for people, think about how asinine that excuse is! He is clearly cheating on you or at least looking for someone to cheat with, so your only option is to separate. He doesn't seem to want to be married so its probably not even worth fighting for it at this point. I'm not sure what else to say. But that flat out lie about the dating sites would seriously tick me off if he made up that crap with me because I would be totally insulted that he would think I was so stupid to believe such a stupid lie! He is a snake in the grass, and he is either cheating now or looking for someone to cheat with. I personally would kick him out of the house.

 
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Old 01-24-2011, 02:19 PM   #7
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Re: Distant newlywed

Thanks for the reply. I tried to talk to him about this again yesterday but it was no use. I was again called delusional and now he says that my behavior has been erratic. I just cried all day yesterday. I locked myself in my bedroom and just sobbed and prayed.
Sometimes he leaves his phone out when he goes in the shower but he has learned to delete his history and use incognito windows.

 
Old 01-24-2011, 02:36 PM   #8
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Re: Distant newlywed

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ely4 View Post
It sounds like you two are not compatible. Dating someone and living with someone is not the same thing at all, as you have found out.

As for the internet dating sites, the only way they would get his details was if he put them in himself. He had profiles because he created them.

He obviously has some desire or he wouldn't be using porn, but it's a major problem when it replaces your sex life.

When you try to talk to him about these issues, he turns it around and makes it your fault, which is also a big red flag.

You need to consider how much of this is a deal-breaker for you, because it doesn't seem like he will change the way he is.
I agree about the dating sites but I wanted to take his word. I wish that I knew for sure.
When I want to talk about things he gets angry and acts like I am crazy. After not submitting to his last words on the issue I spent the day avoiding him. Now he says that "we need to talk" because he wants to get to the bottom of my erratic behavior. He is trying to turn this on me again by saying I am the one with the problem.

 
Old 01-24-2011, 02:42 PM   #9
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Re: Distant newlywed

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary83 View Post
I hope to reply more in the morning when I'm not quite so tired, but I just had to post really quickly. I want to say that people don't just randomly end up dating sites. They have to go to them, sign up, and fill out a profile. I know you want to trust your husband, but believe me, he's lying if he told you he doesn't know how it happened. It doesn't matter what sites he was on, HE did it. Dating sites don't just randomly pick up people's information...none of them do.

Also, is he EVER without his phone? If not, that's an issue too... because it means he's hiding something. My boyfriend leaves his phone, computer, etc. around all the time and I could easily look in them if I wanted to. That's because he has nothing to hide so he's not worried that I might pick it up and find something.
Thanks for your reply. He said that the site probably got his information from his old facebook or myspace profile. I find it hard to believe that updated details would just transfer themselves.
He sometimes leaves his phone out when he gets in the shower. I suppose that he does this so the steam won't damage it. He leaves his computer on all the time but deletes his history.

 
Old 01-24-2011, 02:45 PM   #10
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Re: Distant newlywed

Quote:
Originally Posted by trystme View Post
It doesn't sound like he wants to be married to you at all. If it were me, I'd ask him to go to counseling and if he refuses, then it would be over. This isn't a marriage at all. I'd rather be by myself than in a relationship like this.
He actually said that I need to tell my doctor about my behavior.

 
Old 01-24-2011, 02:50 PM   #11
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Re: Distant newlywed

Quote:
Originally Posted by cryingforever View Post
if i was in your situation i would leave. you have evidence of his lying/cheating/or cheating intensions. hes lied to you , distant, no sex, blames you. hes treating you like your nothing and that is cruel if he had doubts of marriage or been with one person he should end it to not hurt you. some very selfish people out there. he shouldnt be worth it to you because you arent worth it to him (in his eyes). you deserve better alot better.
I asked him to tell me if he was unhappy. I told him that if he was ever unhappy that I would expect him to tell me. He said that he would and said that it was never going to happen because he loves me.

 
Old 01-24-2011, 04:15 PM   #12
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Re: Distant newlywed

I think it's abhorrent that he is turning this around on you and making you be the problem. He got busted when you found him on those dating sites and now he is making you think that you've got the problem. Really? A man who loves his wife for real would never be so cruel, a real man would own up to his mistakes and take responsibility for what he did wrong. He refuses to do that, which shows you what a low form of life he is!

I think you should tell your doctor about this and talk about how he is twisting everything around on you after you confronted him over his infidelity. I would hope that any doctor worth their degree would see what's really going on here and tell you that you're not the one displaying erratic behavior and acting delusional. A social networking site pulling old profile information and creating a dating site? That would literally never ever happen. All of those sites have privacy controls in place which would make that impossible. He is a total liar and you need to stop accepting his lies AND you need to tell him to stop deflecting his betrayal onto you. That is totally unfair and cruel and you should start making plans to leave him as soon as possible. Don't stay with him, it's not going to get any better.

 
Old 01-24-2011, 04:19 PM   #13
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Re: Distant newlywed

It is a classic emotionally abusive technique to turn things around on you and it make it look like YOU are the one who has the problem. He is trying to make you look like you're crazy, and like there is nothing wrong with him except in your head. The reason he is doing that is to turn the attention away from himself. He will make you doubt yourself and think there's something wrong with you and not with him. The problem is with him. You're not crazy, you're not delusional. He is not being honest with you and he's not treating you well, that's obvious. You're not making these things up, so don't let him tell you otherwise. Never let someone make you feel bad, crazy, or insecure for how you feel and confronting an issue. It's his issue, and next time he tells you that you're delusional or you need help, you need to stop him right then and there because you know it's not true and he can't get away with turning the attention on you to avoid dealing with his problems.

 
Old 01-24-2011, 04:32 PM   #14
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Re: Distant newlywed

Quote:
Originally Posted by msolvido View Post
Hi thanks for reading this post. I would greatly appreciate any input on my issue, I have nowhere else to go.
I have been married for almost 2 years now but have been in a relationship with my husband for 8 years. We did not live together until we were married. Since we have been living together things have been different.
I started feeling like I was his mother then like a room-mate. I tried my best to keep everything perfect for him and didn't want to complain. I didn't want to "nag". Eventually I got tired of keeping things up for them to just become messy a few hours later.
Now our house looks like one from an episode of hoarder's.
Our sexlife became terrible. We sleep in different bedrooms, he sleeps in my bed on the weekend. At first he blamed it on being busy.Then blamed it on using condoms so I took oral contraceptives as birth control. I had horrible side effects so I discontinued. I became depressed.
Now that I am getting back to normal I want my husband to make love to me.
He has no interest in sex/making love with me. I am in my twenties and attractive! I tried sexy bras/panties, sensual massages. I even surprised him with naughty pictures. I initiate everything. He acts distant and says that we should wait and let it build up.
I was worried that he was cheating on me because I got that feeling and had a strange dream of being shot in the heart. I found two profiles for him on an internet dating site. I looked because he has done this kind of thing before. He is good at hiding his history. I found some softcore porn on his phone. I didn't want to accuse him of anything so I simply asked about his profiles. He said that has no idea how the site got his information. I believed him.
Then the sexual issue came up again.
I tried to talk to him about it without putting the blame on him. I just wanted him to know that I feel rejected and am hurt by his distance. He responded with anger and accused me of having delusions. I wanted to know if I had done anything to make him feel resentful. I am so confused now.
He is constantly on the computer and on his phone "checking" his business. He takes the phone with him every time he goes to the bathroom.
I am sorry this has become a very long post. Please help me.


I'm so sorry.
In reading your post, I get the feeling that you already know the answer, even if you might not be ready to face it: this man is not for you.
Get out while you're still young enough to start over.

Good luck.

 
Old 01-25-2011, 05:14 AM   #15
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Re: Distant newlywed

If you are not ready to share your life with your spouse, to be one with them, to do fun things together, have a healthy sex life, talk about your day, sleep in the same bed, share your dreams and future together, to simply communicate, then, in my opinion, you are simply not ready for marriage!

This is what marriage is about! It's wanting the best for the other person. Wanting to make them happy. Wanting to simply spend time with them. Yes, we all need independence and time without our partner as well, this is only healthy. But at the end of the day, week, etc. you want to go back to your partner and share in your experiences, talk about what you learned or saw, and simply feel like you know someone has your back.
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Last edited by Belly Kelly; 01-25-2011 at 05:17 AM.

 
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