I am a bit desperate here. My husband had an affair, and I found out about 2 months ago. We have decided that we will save our marriage. He promise that it's over.
I have one problem, though.....I can not forget. I keep on seeing them together, remembering the lies ( which I can see so clearly...now). It is driving me insane!!
And then there is the mistrust....it does not matter what he says, I do not believe him and I do not trust him. He is really trying his best, and I am so scared that my lack of trust will drive him away, I just can't seem to help myself.
I was emotionally VERY exposed, when I found out that he cheated on me as I trusted him more than anything in life. It feels like he took every bit of security out of my life. Now there is absolutely no trust. Sometimes I actually wish that he had rather left me. That way, I don't have to live in suspicion and suspense all the time.
However, I love him dearly and do not want to loose him. How long does it take? Does anyone know what I can do to get over this thing without hurting him? How do I stop this feeling of 3rd degree emotional burns? And please...please...please, how do I trust him again?
Just for info, they work together
The following user gives a hug of support to The second mom: Ely4 (01-24-2011)
Give yourself time, this is all new and raw at the moment. You have every right not to trust him, he will need to work hard to earn your trust back. None of this is going to be easy, especially as he works with her and you can't demand he has no contact with her at all.
Stop worrying about hurting him, this is about you now, and helping you to heal.
Give yourself some time, don't expect too make huge progress too soon, and even when you think you're over it it will most likely hit you again from time to time.
Thanks Ely4, I have never gone through more anguish and pain than at the moment. If anything, before anybody has an affair, they should consider the damage they are going to cause.
Thanks for the input, I was scared that by now I should be much better - however - i still feel emotionally disabled. I'll stick to my plan - one day at a time
First of all, is the woman he had the affair with completely and totally out of his life now? I mean, is she a neighbor or co-worker, or someone he no longer sees or runs into at all? That will be a factor in how fast you get over this.
I also think you need to be a little easier on yourself. It's only been two months since you found out. That's not a real long time. It's going to take a while to get past it, and for now, he needs to be totally transparent and just needs to deal with the fact that he needs to earn back your trust. He broke the marriage vows, he cheated, so he must make it right and earn your trust back. Now, you don't want to punish him for his misdeed if he is truly sorry and wants to work things out, but you deserve to know where he is, you deserve to look at his phone, his emails, if you want to know where he is at any given time of the day, until that trust is earned back, and he just needs to put up with it for a while. And at the same time, you need to work toward trusting him again, and every time you check his phone and there are no strange, suspicious messages on it and no strange phone numbers programmed in, you need to work toward letting go of the hurt and mistrust a little bit.
I am so sorry you are going through this...the pain is clear in your words.
Have you considered some marriage counseling? It might help, giving some structure to your process of healing.
I agree with the others as far as being patient and good to yourself. He is the one who needs to do the work when it comes to proving he is trustworthy again.
Again, so sorry for you pain. Take the time you need to recover, 2 months is a short time in terms of healing.
I think you're being way too hard on yourself. Give yourself a break and realize that rebuilding trust, especially after such a major betrayal, takes a lot of time. And he had better show you every single day how much you mean to him and how sorry he is for what he has done. Don't let him get away with this without imposing some serious rules on him. And he better follow those rules and not complain about it cause this is all his fault, he is the one who caused this rift and its up to him to work really hard to gain your trust again!
However, I love him dearly and do not want to loose him. How long does it take? Does anyone know what I can do to get over this thing without hurting him? How do I stop this feeling of 3rd degree emotional burns? And please...please...please, how do I trust him again?
Just for info, they work together
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I had a similar experience (male version) and I can tell you that it's going to take a LONG time to get over such a betrayal.
All those years of trust went out the window when he decided to do what he did and it's impossible to earn it back quickly (if at all). All of the other members made some good suggestions in that he should be as transparent as possible to you so that you can even consider trusting him again. I would also consider going to counseling together and even solo to help you deal with this.
My question to you is why are you so scared of hurting him? Please remember that HE is the one who needs to do what it takes for you to trust him. HE should bending over backwards for you. It shouldn't be the other way around. He really needs to prove to you over and over again that he loves you.
You have a very long road ahead of you. I wish I could tell you that I was able to overcome the issue but I wasn't. There was too much pain and betrayal to deal with and I knew I could never trust her. Is it possible? Yes, but it's not going to be easy or short. If you're willing to do that, I wish you the BESTEST luck to you!!
Dear All
Thank you so much for all your advise. When I check his phone or mails, I feel guilty, as I have never done so before. And I can see that he's truely sorry. With regards to whether they still see each other from a work point of view...yes. He is a Director at the company that they work for.
He promised that it's over, but it's like telling me that Father Christmas will be visiting. The biggest problem I have, is the trust thing. We spoke about it last night, and he said he now tells me everything, but my first reaction is: what else is there to tell? And the second reaction is anger, as it normally involves her.
I did explain that I know it's difficult, but each little outburst, once the anger goes and I realize that he was just being truthfull, is like a brick in the new wall of trust. I guess if he realy loves me, he will be patient enough to go through the anger stage, until our relationship is strong again.
And no, I do not want to hurt him - I love him to much. However, not at my own expense. I can just hope that it is worth it to him to persist.
Thank you kindly for the advise. I have not told any family or any of the 4 children, as I do not want those relationships destroyed as well. Thus, I have nobody to realy talk to about this. Doing the blog-thing helps me more than you could understand.
Are you going to marriage councelling? If not you might want to think about it. He should understand that you're hurting, he has to earn back your trust, and it's not going to happen overnight even if he is totally transparent and honest with you.
He's the one that destroyed your trust and hurt you, you shouldn't have to take his feelings into consideration at the moment, that's a small price he will have to pay for the pain he has caused you. If he's going to leave because you are having a hard time coping, then is he really worth fighting for?
I'm sorry they must see each other every day. That will make getting over this harder for you. Ideally, one of them really should look for a new job. Is that at all a possibility?
We are here for just that, offering folks a place to go to get support and be able to say whatever is on your mind without judgment or fear. You can rant and rave, that is all fine with us. Whatever is helpful to you, we understand and encourage you to keep posting.
It must be a very lonely place to be left, without being able to share your feelings. I really do encourage you to seek counseling, even if just for yourself. Then you can learn what you need to do to protect yourself, and the ways to respond to your husband that will best encourage recovery.
Many of us have been in your place in our lives, and having a sense of not being alone with your problems can be very reassuring. That is what we can offer you. I also like the fact that by getting lots of different responses, you can get an idea of lots of viewpoints, some which you may not have thought of, offering you the chance to decide where you fit in, and what you decide to do.
Talk to your husband a lot, about your fears. I also like Larrylou's mom's idea of changing employment, if at all possible. After all, it is your marriage at stake here. Perhaps he could transfer...I don't know. But it is a great idea that could allow much faster and deeper trust to be earned.
Are the children grown, or still in the nest? Bless you for being able to keep them from this. You sound like a very strong woman, a wonderful mother and wife. While you have been deeply betrayed, it does not detract from you as a woman, in any way. Do not let this lower your feelings about yourself, you have done nothing but be a good faithful wife and mother. There is great honor in that.
Be very kind to yourself every day. Time will relieve your pain. We are here for you, anytime of day. Bless you...
The Following User Says Thank You to writeleft For This Useful Post: The second mom (01-25-2011)
Hey I think you should confront him and tell him how you feel,if he really wants to make you marrage work then he will have to step up. Mabe after that you may be more at ease. Do what it takes to put yourself at ease hun...Good luck
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Randy
The Following User Says Thank You to RANDOL For This Useful Post: The second mom (01-25-2011)
Thanks a lot guys, just to answer some of the questions, the childeren are adults. They all have a deep respect for him, and to damage that would just be cruel.
The option of another job for one of them: he's a Director of the Company and has been there for 13 years. She has been there for 8 months, but she has a little boy and is a single parent.
Whether they still see each other? I don't know. Whether there are still feelings: I also don't know. And the worst is, even if he assures me that it's over.....how can you stop feeling for somebody in a few days? I do not think I have ever been this confused.
Good to chat though
Last edited by Administrator; 01-26-2011 at 05:01 PM.
Good on you for keeping the children out of it, it must be hard to carry that around and not tell anyone.
Did he only stop the affair when you found out about it, or was it already over? I'd be more concerned if he only stopped because he was caught. However, that might have just been the kick he needed to realise that you are the one he wants to be with.
Have you asked him if he still has any kind of contact? Talk to him, you're entitled to answers. If he's serious about working on your marriage then he'll be open with you.
I think men are more able to have affairs without having deep feelings for the woman. How long did it go on, and how many encounters did they have?
From what you have told us about how terribly sorry he is, there is a good chance that he has thought this out and realizes how close he came to ruining his life with you, and obviously did not want to do that. That could be enough for him to completely turn off any feelings he ever had, if any, for this woman.
But his job now is to prove all that to you, day after day, month after month until you are satisfied. His actions now need to be enough to eventually regain your trust, if possible.
I hope each day brings you one step closer to recovery. It will take time though, as you know, so be patient with yourself and let him do all the work. Your children are lucky to have such a strong committed mother.
We are on your side, and will stick by you all the way.
We are now going into the weekend, and I have realized something last night: he did love her and he is grieving at the moment. And yes, it's true - every time he sees her or speak to her, he goes back to square 1. And this happens on a daily basis.
From what he has told me, the affair went on for 2 months, but they were only intimate once.......in my house. This happened while I was away on business. They did the sms and e-mail affair on a daily basis. However, they have been friends for 18 years before this.
I have now decided to emotionally distance myself, to focus more on myself and to give him time to cut loose. I do not want to have a huge knee-jerk reaction, just to regret it later on.
It is very difficult to share a life with somebody totally different to the man I married. I think some space is needed here. Thanks for this week and all the advice. Have a lovely weekend.
Hi there. Your story amazes me in how you are able to forgive him for cheating on you. I would be concerned medically and have him medically evaluated for peace of mind. At this point the question is "How Do I forget?" - In my opinion what will help you forget is trusting him again. How do you trust him is by checking all his access to all electronic media. Don't feel bad by doing so, you are making sure that he is not having communications with anyone else outside the marriage, constantly check up on him as to where he is, if it helps you and you're able to do it, you can get family locator service thru your cell phone company until you start trustinghim again. You definately are a strong woman for keeping it together and forgiving him. Definately try marriage counceling, if he has nothing to hide he will cooperate with your requests, and definately he needs to understand that things will not be the same. Eventually with his cooperation he will be able to make you see thru his behavior that things have changed and that you can start trusting him again.
hi the second mom, I admire you for your willingness and heart to forgive your husband for the most devastating actions he could do to your marriage. and I applaud you in your effort to forgive. however, having been in your shoes myself, (my first wife cheated on me way back in 1975.) you do not ever forget! in fact she married the guy she cheated with. she has been married now 5 times her most recent husband passed away from cancer. she had cheated on every single husband she's had, and boyfriends since the last one passed. I hold no animosity toward my ex wife, other than the relationships she has with our daughter and our two grandsons we have in common, one is 13 years old, I believe she's seen him maybe 10 times? the other is only 13 months old she's seen him twice he is so sweet he'd make a spoonful of salt taste like sugar, if you're around him for one week you'll begin to feel cavities forming in your teeth!
you are angry and you deserve to be, you need some outlet to release the aggression you feel? maye join a gym and take it out on the weights or machines? but you need to get it out it will eat you up for me back then I'd studied karate since I was 7 hears old, I keep a skid of 6 inch cinder blocks, a skid od building bricks, and a couple hundred 1 foot 2x12' boards on hand o take my aggression out whenever anger builds in me. break a few and I'm fine, when my current wife of 30+ years first saw my skids she asked what they're for? I explained it to her and demonstrated it, she has never once angered me to that point.
you can go to marriage counseling and therapists to talk and listen till your tongue and ears fall off, YOU WILL NOT FORGET! you can forgive and I wish you luck saving your marriage. but, talking to marriage councilors and therapists thinking they'll make you forget his indiscretions is like thinking they can make you forget the birth of your first child, IT AIN'T GOING TO HAPPEN! though you can go on to live a happy fulfilling life
what you must do is release aggression and forbid he ever mention her name in your presence again. I doubt you can even forgive if reminded by her name constantly my first teachings in karate was inner peace body/mind/and spirit. find happiness within yourself and the rest will come don't let the anger and other emotions block your happiness
my signature says "happiness is a way of life bot a goal in life" what that means is just over 18 years ago I suffered a massive stroke paralyzing my entire left side, I have a constant burning feeling from the top of my left ear all way down to my big toe on my left foot, still I make it through each day and tomorrow is the best day of my life
I hope this helps you just a bit? I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers
good luck and god bless
Larry/coupe
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happiness is a way of life, not a goal in life, success comes in cans not can'ts
Did your husband get her the job with this company? When you said they'd been friends for 18 years, then she gets a job at his company for 8 months (where he's a Director) and they have this affair, it made me wonder if there was more brewing than that 2 months he's saying they had together.
The reason I ask this is because I agree that you were feeling far too guilty for checking his email and such. I strongly suggest you prepare yourself for the likelihood that you do not have 100% of the story. (new email addresses can be set up easily, you know) I agree with the others. Don't rush to forgiveness. Don't rush to trying to forget. You are a good person who has been wronged. Maybe your husband feels like he needed to be with this other woman, and sometimes we can't control those things, but it was the way he did everything that matters.
You have done the right thing in keeping the kids out of this but there may be a day when they come to you and know. Thing about how you might deal with that too.
You are a very strong person who will get through whatever this leads too. I'm glad he is contrite for his actions but that's just one small step of the process. I wish you luck. Taking the high road isn't easy and you are one of those rare people who at least seems to be trying as best you can.
for me back then I'd studied karate since I was 7 hears old, I keep a skid of 6 inch cinder blocks, a skid od building bricks, and a couple hundred 1 foot 2x12' boards on hand o take my aggression out whenever anger builds in me. break a few and I'm fine, when my current wife of 30+ years first saw my skids she asked what they're for? I explained it to her and demonstrated it, she has never once angered me to that point.
