I hope not to make this too long but do need to explain the full story.
I was with a girl 35 years ago that I loved more than life itself. She was the true love of my life. I divorced my first wife to be with her and never regretted doing it to this very day.
After a little over 12 months of living together she left me because of an alcohol problem I had. I did not abuse or hit her yet at the same time I was not supportive of her and just generally not a nice guy when I had been drinking.
About 3 months ago we met up again via ********. She was divorced and I was in a loveless marriage with 3 grown children all that have left home and started there own lives.
I had also given up drinking and have not had a drink for over 30 years.
We automatically fell in love again, started dating and I have since left my current wife to be with her again.
I love her dearly, she again is the love of my life and I can hardly bear to go to work because it means being away from her. I want to spend the rest of my life with her ... I want to ask her to marry me.
My problem is my jealousy that I am feeling.
She has told me about her past relationships since we were apart.
The problem I am having and is cutting me up inside is the hurt and visions I have of her with these other men.
I guess it feels probably the same as a person would feel if they had been cheated on by there partners, not sure as that has not happened to me.
But I feel like she has always been my woman even though I know she has not. The thoughts of other men touching her and loving her and her loving someone else and the visions I imagine is cutting me to pieces.
I need to deal with this ... but how?
I am even getting these thoughts and visions when we make love.
It is killing me and im sure she must be feeling this also.
I don't want to lose her because of this jealousy I have yet i fear I will.
I want to marry her but just can't while I have these feelings and hurt inside me.
How do I overcome this, how can I cope with this?
Please help if you can as I so love this girl and don't want to lose her again.
It may feel like she cheated on you, but she didn't. You were not together, for very good reasons, and you were married during that time as well. I think you need to at least try to CHOOSE to accept that you were apart during that time and you both had the right to have a life while you were not together. And you need to choose how much you want to be with her. Doyou want to nurse these feelings of jealousy because of pride and possibly chase her away again, or do you want to be with her? Which one do you want more? As tv psychologist Dr. Phil says, do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?
You may even want to consider some counseling if you can't get past these feelings and thoughts, a therapist who can help you learn techniques on how to stop thoughts, etc. It seems like this woman really loves you, but you've always chosen something over her. Before, it was alcohol, and you wanted to drink more than you wanted to be with her. Now, it seems you want to stay jealous and hurt over the fact that she had a life while away from you, more than you want to be with her. I think you need to start by wrapping your mind around the fact that this is, at least partially, a choice you are making.
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Why was it ok for you to go off and get married - twice - and have kids with other women but she was not allowed to have a life at all while you guys weren't even a couple? She didn't cheat on you, she lived her life as you did, so she didn't do anything different than what you did. So what's the problem? You can't hold it against her when you did exactly the same thing, that's hypocritical and its a major turnoff for pretty much anyone to be with someone like that.
Last edited by Kszan; 01-24-2011 at 10:58 AM.
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sorry to be harsh but you dont have a right to feel bothered by her past. as hard as it is why cant you think of it another way...'i couldnt make her happy so i let her go and she found another person who DID make her happy and look after her' even though in the end it didnt work for them. you both moved on with your lives and got married/kids etc and no one is to blame for that. you have ONE shot at making this work , else you'll loose her AGAIN. no matter how much you stew, stress, stomach turn you can not change HER past it is gone. past is past. shes back in your arms treasure every moment forget her ex's you got your girl. go be happy. good luck x
@Kszan ..... I never said she cheated or couldn't have a life or that she did anything wrong. I said it feels probably the same as it would for someone who was cheated on. So I wasn't being hypocritical I was simply comparing my feelings.
K, well I don't get it. You say that you didn't expect her to not live her life when she wasn't with you, so what did you think would have happened, realistically? People get together with other people and move on, like you did. In 35 years, I would hope she would be with other people because that's a very long time to stay celibate. I don't understad why you would have a problem with her being with others. Peoples' nature is to seek out other people for companionship. You did, you got married and had kids with other women. She had relationships too.
Would you have wanted her to stay alone with no one while you were out there living your life and having other partners? Is that what would make you not feel jealous right now? Can you see how that is unfair thinking on your part? I think in your case you need to adjust your thinking about it. Instead of being upset, be glad for her that she didn't spend all of those years lonely and depressed and instead filled her time with people who made her happy at the time. You can't get upset for anything that someone does when they are not with you. That part of her life had nothing to do with you. You were not in the picture at the time. Its done and over, so just accept that you're with her now and that's what matters now. I think that for many people, living in the past can do more to destroy the present and the future more than people realize until its too late to fix it.
I think what you're saying is that you recognize that you're being irrational, but that doesn't change your feelings. So saying "you shouldn't feel this way because..." might just make you feel judged on top of already feeling bad about being jealous. I used to have a huge problem with jealousy myself. I knew it made no sense and wasn't warranted, but that didn't change the strong feelings. Therapy really helped me learn to change how I think and subsequently feel about the situation, so I would try that route if you haven't already.
It sounds like you do love her, and hearing or invisioning her being with someone else tears you to pieces. It's normal, however you have moved along at some point and had children, so she should also have the right to a PAST relationship or two. If she loves you the same way that you love her, then she will stay with you. I doubt she'll cheat on you, along with that you will cheat on her. Love is about trust and compromise. You have to trust one another to continue in this relationship. And compromise each other's feelings and ideas.
If you feel comfortable enough talking to her about these problems, then you should address it. Say something about how it causes you greif. Nothing will get better, until the problem is resolved.
Good luck Crowsman,
Seriously, if you don't want to loose her, you need to realize that if you don't get treated for your jelousy, then it may ruin your marriage. My best advice to you is that first, think about the women you had in your life....how would she feel about that? The reality is that both of you have been with others in the past. The time is now to build memories from this day forward. See her as a car, yes is tru that she has been with others, BUT, you can restore that and what's most important, is that she is with you now. You hold the power to show her that you are the best she's ever had. You've learned from the past, use to build a better future.