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Old 01-24-2011, 03:00 PM   #1
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23 years later and still can't

It's been 23 years since I had my heart shredded and learned the physical and emotional pain of true heartache. I am married now for 18 years, have five children and still think of my lost love EVERY day. Sometimes it drives me back into suicidal ideation again.

I am on meds that work and have been for a while now. As I posted many years ago I went through some times of self med evaluation that were disastrous. I no longer do that for the sake of my children. They are now used to a stable dad. But the point of this post is.......

twenty three GD Years. Don't ya think this 45yo man should be over this lady by now. I feel like I'm the only one who has had this problem, are there any older men out there who might have the same problem?

Thanks.

 
Old 01-24-2011, 10:30 PM   #2
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Re: 23 years later and still can't

You betcha there are many men who simply can't/won't let go of their first love/sole mate. Sure you have made another life for yourself, but I'll bet it;s the "what if's" that are killing you. Try looking for a recent photo of her -- you just may be cured if she is not what you remember her to be????

 
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Old 01-25-2011, 05:53 AM   #3
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Re: 23 years later and still can't

Quote:
Originally Posted by amygdala View Post
You betcha there are many men who simply can't/won't let go of their first love/sole mate. Sure you have made another life for yourself, but I'll bet it;s the "what if's" that are killing you. Try looking for a recent photo of her -- you just may be cured if she is not what you remember her to be????
Thank you Amygdala, but unfortunately I know exactly what she looks like, where she lives etc. I believe this is what makes it so bad. We even had some conversations about nine years ago, what a mistake that was. Just fired it all up again. The conversation, meeting was unavoidable. Now, if there is even a remote chance of running into her I avoid whatever the event is. Funerals for old friends and family etc.

Thank you for the reply.

 
Old 01-25-2011, 06:22 AM   #4
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Re: 23 years later and still can't

Have you considered councelling to try and put this into perspective?

It obviously wasn't meant to be and you should have moved on and left it behind you. You aren't being fair to your wife or kids by constantly pining for your ex and you're not doing yourself any good either.

 
Old 01-25-2011, 06:44 AM   #5
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Re: 23 years later and still can't

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ely4 View Post
Have you considered councelling to try and put this into perspective?

It obviously wasn't meant to be and you should have moved on and left it behind you. You aren't being fair to your wife or kids by constantly pining for your ex and you're not doing yourself any good either.
Brilliant Ely, brilliant. I've been in counseling forever. I'm well aware of the damage I continue to inflict on myself and that it is not fair to my wife or kids. I want to move out of this, forget her, forget her, forget her, forget her. Problem is, nothing I've done seems to work.

Thanks anyway for the attempt to help.

 
Old 01-25-2011, 07:31 AM   #6
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Re: 23 years later and still can't

No need to be sarcastic, all I had to go on was what you wrote, and you didn't mention councelling at all. In fact you came across as being very self indulgent.

When you think about her, how much time do you spend thinking about her, what do you think about? Every time she pops into your head you need to deliberately think of something else. You are in control of your thoughts and she only spends as much time in your head as you allow. Stop wallowing in self-pity.

 
Old 01-25-2011, 07:59 AM   #7
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Re: 23 years later and still can't

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ely4 View Post
No need to be sarcastic, all I had to go on was what you wrote, and you didn't mention councelling at all. In fact you came across as being very self indulgent.

When you think about her, how much time do you spend thinking about her, what do you think about? Every time she pops into your head you need to deliberately think of something else. You are in control of your thoughts and she only spends as much time in your head as you allow. Stop wallowing in self-pity.
I apologize. Indeed, stop wallowing. Couldn't agree more. I will develop an image of my family instead of her when she comes to mind.

Thank you and again, I apologize. I'm grateful for more support.

 
Old 01-25-2011, 08:00 AM   #8
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Re: 23 years later and still can't

One simple question, clouds - are you, or were you ever, in love with your wife?

 
Old 01-25-2011, 08:18 AM   #9
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Re: 23 years later and still can't

Yes I was in love with my wife

 
Old 01-25-2011, 08:39 AM   #10
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Re: 23 years later and still can't

Maybe since you aren't in love with your wife anymore then you should get a divorce? Maybe put yourself in your wife's position and ask yourself how it would feel if you knew that she spent her everyday pining away for her first love. It just sounds to me like you are unhappy and that's the reason you fantasize about the other woman. What could be that fantastic about any one person that you cannot even move on? If it was that great you wouldn't have broken up. Have you ever though that maybe this other woman is quite happy that she didn't marry you and is very happy in her life as it is? Maybe she doesn't even like you? I mean I dated men that were crazy about me and I broke up with them and they never cross my mind. I'd hate to think that they were somehow all hung up on me!
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*I rest my case!*

 
Old 01-25-2011, 08:49 AM   #11
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Re: 23 years later and still can't

Here is what I am seeing: You have an image of who this girl used to be 23 years ago plus the random meeting of 9 years ago. But the fact (notice I did say Fact) remains that you don't know anything about what she is like at this point in time. You don't know what kind of person she is now or if she is at all like she used to be. All you have is an image in your mind and you're allowing this "maybe" person to occupy too much of your time and energy while you're neglecting your true responsibilities that are right in front of you.

It seems to me that you lack logic in the sense that you pine after a fantasy that may or may not be what you think. Sure things might be good with her for about a week or a month, but then the cracks could/would start to show and next thing you know, you guys are fighting all the time and clawing each other's eyes out. It might happen, it might not happen, the point is you just don't know. And the fact that you don't know for sure means that you're wasting your time thinking about her.

The grass always appears greener on the other side, but the reality is not that spectacular when you are actually right in front of it. Greater than nine times out of ten, the fantasy of any given situation is far more exciting and interesting than the actual reality of it.

My point is, stop wasting your time. You're wasting your time while you have a wife and 5 kids who are real and they are right in front of you and they actually do need you to think about them. Your wife and kids are the ones who will be there if you get into a terrible car accident or fall ill with a terrible disease. They are the ones who will laugh with you when something funny happens or cry when the pet dog gets run over. They are the ones who will be proud of you when you accomplish something and who will celebrate all of your life's victories. Where has this other woman been in through all of it? Nowhere, she doesn't exist in this reality. She doesn't matter and she is not a part of your life. Stop giving her free rent in your head because she has done nothing to deserve it. She has not been there through all of your life's roller coaster moments the way family and your wife have been. She has done nothing worth noting for the last 23 years in your life. She is nobody and she completely does not deserve that pedestal you have put her on.

 
Old 01-25-2011, 09:47 AM   #12
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Re: 23 years later and still can't

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tivo123 View Post
Here is what I am seeing: You have an image of who this girl used to be 23 years ago plus the random meeting of 9 years ago. But the fact (notice I did say Fact) remains that you don't know anything about what she is like at this point in time. You don't know what kind of person she is now or if she is at all like she used to be. All you have is an image in your mind and you're allowing this "maybe" person to occupy too much of your time and energy while you're neglecting your true responsibilities that are right in front of you.

It seems to me that you lack logic in the sense that you pine after a fantasy that may or may not be what you think. Sure things might be good with her for about a week or a month, but then the cracks could/would start to show and next thing you know, you guys are fighting all the time and clawing each other's eyes out. It might happen, it might not happen, the point is you just don't know. And the fact that you don't know for sure means that you're wasting your time thinking about her.

The grass always appears greener on the other side, but the reality is not that spectacular when you are actually right in front of it. Greater than nine times out of ten, the fantasy of any given situation is far more exciting and interesting than the actual reality of it.

My point is, stop wasting your time. You're wasting your time while you have a wife and 5 kids who are real and they are right in front of you and they actually do need you to think about them. Your wife and kids are the ones who will be there if you get into a terrible car accident or fall ill with a terrible disease. They are the ones who will laugh with you when something funny happens or cry when the pet dog gets run over. They are the ones who will be proud of you when you accomplish something and who will celebrate all of your life's victories. Where has this other woman been in through all of it? Nowhere, she doesn't exist in this reality. She doesn't matter and she is not a part of your life. Stop giving her free rent in your head because she has done nothing to deserve it. She has not been there through all of your life's roller coaster moments the way family and your wife have been. She has done nothing worth noting for the last 23 years in your life. She is nobody and she completely does not deserve that pedestal you have put her on.
THANK YOU.
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Old 01-26-2011, 11:25 AM   #13
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Re: 23 years later and still can't

Wow, at 45 and still thinking about the what if? I honestly can tell you that this is a tough one. The post you get are from the general public and maybe from proffesionals. My point of you and what I would if I was in your shoes: Fall in love all over again with my wife that dearly loves me. Cherrish all the moments I have with her and the children. It's time for a new beggining, close that file cabinet, lock it, and throw away the keys. What happen with the Ex, is the past, it's history and belongs in the history channel, you cannot get it back. What you want to remember 10 years from now is your family of what and how you spent time with them of what you did together. Best of luck!

 
Old 01-26-2011, 02:59 PM   #14
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Re: 23 years later and still can't

I had forgotten that my 22 yr.old daughter is going through basically the same thing as yourself. She started dating him 5 yrs. ago in high school, however; once they both moved away to the same college (he was accepted to virtually every university, but. . . he loved her and she came first). Well, she decided to break it off with him for a while, knowing that she could get him back anytime.
WRONG: It's been two yrs now, and she desperately wants him back, even though she has a current boyfriend. She has told me that she spends every waking moment thinking about him. Dosen't matter, as he wants nothing more to do with her.
I pointed out that perhaps the reason for her obsession for him is that she has finally realized that she can't have what she (thinks) wants, coupled with the fact that he actually dumped Her Highness. She actually does agree with this theory.
OMG: I sincerely hope that she will get over him before the age of 45. Doubt it though!
BTW: Just noticed that you were asking the advice of older men, but instead, received lots of sage wisdom from women. Go Figure!!! ROTFLOL.

 
Old 02-03-2011, 03:54 AM   #15
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Re: 23 years later and still can't

Quote:
Originally Posted by cloudsofgrey View Post
It's been 23 years since I had my heart shredded and learned the physical and emotional pain of true heartache. I am married now for 18 years, have five children and still think of my lost love EVERY day. Sometimes it drives me back into suicidal ideation again.

I am on meds that work and have been for a while now. As I posted many years ago I went through some times of self med evaluation that were disastrous. I no longer do that for the sake of my children. They are now used to a stable dad. But the point of this post is.......

twenty three GD Years. Don't ya think this 45yo man should be over this lady by now. I feel like I'm the only one who has had this problem, are there any older men out there who might have the same problem?

Thanks.

Makes it hard to get along don't it? If you've never experienced this kind of love you can't understand it either. Mine is 30 years past and I seem to have a better handle on it than I did 5 years ago even, but when I get really down...look out.

Anyone that tells you to enjoy what's in front of you or to lock it away, well, that's good advice and that may eventually happen but unfortunately, time, and lots of it, is the only cure.

It's hard when you are alone at night and realize it's now morning because your teenage daughter has woken up for school and walked out and seen you crying. There is just no explaining to her, or your family or your friends that a big chunk of your heart is resting somewhere else.

You are not alone and you are not crazy and you have every right to be sad about it, just don't expect anyone who hasn't felt it to ever understand it.

 
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