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Old 01-26-2011, 08:56 AM   #1
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ayla123 HB User
emotional problems with husband

hi, i am new here..........
four and a half years back i married a guy...... didnt know about it at that time but he has lots of emotional baggage from his childhood...... his parents divorced..... his mother left him in the care of an abusive aunt and moved on with her life ..... he is emotionally very disturbed and depressed....... i didnt realize the gravity of his problems at that time.....call it naivety or whatever.... i merely thought that cos he has a family that isnt supportive rather very selfish that why he isnt a happy person and once we get married and set up our own home which will be a happier place than things will be okay.....well......... his mother and that abusive aunt didnt want him getting married in the first place.. they tried to stop it as best as they could...... when we did get married they did everything to ruin our marriage....they interfered in our lives to the point that living together with my husband became hell and i moved back to my mother's place which is in another city after living together for only nine months( he still lives in the house owned by his mother, its usual in pakistan) it was at that time that i began to realize his problems....... he couldnt stand up when his mother abused me and nor would he do anything to protect himself from the abuse... i was pregnant..... gave birth to a daughter who is now 2 and a half....... during that time we decided that we will buy a house of our own...... he agreed...... since then for the last 2 years he has been making a big show of looking at real estate......and even though we can easily afford our own house he hasnt bought anything yet, i cant decide maybe he really is trying.... he procastinates, is never ever able able to reach a decision....he is always trying ti find a better place, nothing is good enough (he is perfectionist)maybe thats what. but to sum it up we are still living apart..... he promised he will buy his own car(he still uses his aunt's) for the last year but hasnt gotten down to buying one yet, despite having the money.... i have helped him in all ways i could think of..... looking up ads, calling people, going from my hometown to his to look at properties.... more than once i have tried to start him on medication/ counselling but he didnt want to continue, now i am reaching the end of my rope..... i am pregnant with baby# 2(shouldnt have been )living apart from him in my hometown(he visits once amonth), put my promising career on back seat to provide him support, have developed an anger problem due to constant frustrations,
i am so depressed right now...... donno what to do
what i am thinking right now is that i should kinda emotionally detach from him cos this marriage seems to be sucking the life and happiness out of me too.....i was much happier, fun loving person when i married him, but how to do that....... i still love him so much......he is a very caring person and loves me a lot..... but i dont know how to help him or us... especially cos we are not able to live together..... i cant move in with him until he gets us a place to live....i cant do that on my own, i hav taken up a job in my own town which i dont want to give up cos he been working inconsistently for the last 3 years and here my mom looks after my daughter while i am at work..... i wont be able to afford childcare in his big city for two children.....
he is so good with our daughter ..... i want things to work out but i donno how... i am afraid of living with him.... cos of the problems we have financial and emotional.....i am so at the end of my rope emotionally too, totally drained and spent......
what to do???

Last edited by ayla123; 01-26-2011 at 09:03 AM.

 
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Old 01-26-2011, 09:10 AM   #2
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Re: emotional problems with husband

This isn't fair on you or your children. It would appear that he isn't even willing to try and sort things out.

I would tell him he either makes a proper life with you and your children or you and your children will make a life without him.

 
Old 01-26-2011, 11:32 AM   #3
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ayla123 HB User
Re: emotional problems with husband

no one?

 
Old 01-26-2011, 11:59 AM   #4
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rreyes99 HB User
Re: emotional problems with husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by ayla123 View Post
no one?
Be patient. Based on the summary of many years you've written, I can tell you that off the bat that your hubby NEEEEEEEDSSSSS proffesional help. Being that you come from a normal family, and that you are his other half, you can help him. There is support from your part and I imagine your family as well. Two things need to happen here: 1. You need to sit down and talk to him about what YOU need for him to do, that is have a straight talk about your future and WHY you NEED to stay in your town, because you have a loving family that can help. 2. He needs to agree that if he decides to be with you, he needs to agree to go to counceling in order for this to work. Otherwise it will be a waste of time. You need to make it clear that you are ready to move out and file for divorce if he doesn't move in with you and leave his family behind. This doesn't mean that he will forget his family and not see them. Obviously there are other priorities that need to be in place, that is taking care of you and his kids by your side if he chooses to. He needs to stay away from all the negativity he has had from childhood and step up to the plate. He needs to take a leap of faith and move on.

If he chooses not to be with you, just serve him the divorce papers and be prepared for what happens next. If he loves you and his kids he will not let that happen.

Last edited by rreyes99; 01-26-2011 at 12:01 PM.

 
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