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Old 02-02-2011, 04:14 PM   #1
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Help with fiance's racist mother!

I've been having a problem and don't know what to do.

For a little background I am 44 and my fiance is 28. I love him to death and he's always supportive and works hard. We have been together for 7 months now and he asked me to marry him and I agreed. Problem is my future mother in law. I am Japanese, my bf is white. She hates me and finds every reason to. For example, when I first me her the first thing she did was say in a mean tone "So this is the woman who will be giving me my grandchildren?" and went on and on about how I am just a dumb "****" trying to take advantage of her son and says how she "doesn't want any mongrel grandchildren". Now we've agreed that we won't do anything to prevent it, so if we do get pregnant, great, if we don't, that's fine to.

She is a known white supremecist and though my fiance is nothing like that he says she's his mother so he's not going to just stop contact with her. He did agree that if we do have children we will not let her see them.

But the real problem is sh doesn't just do this when I'm around her, she sends me letters and emails talking about how bad I am, how I'm just going to have autistic children and even said if I do get pregnant she hopes I have a miscarriage. This woman is insane! What should I do?? I wish he'd just stop talking to that nutcase.

 
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Old 02-02-2011, 04:51 PM   #2
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Re: Help with fiances racist mother!

This is a very slippery slope you are treading on, for several reasons.

First would be the age differences and the short duration of your relationship. While in a perfect world, a 17 year age gap might not be a factor, in this world it is.

One important part of any marriage is the entire relationship, not only with your partner, but with the two families that now must mingle together. it is not feasible to expect your boyfriend to never see his mother, or her grandchildren, (if you were to have children), and certainly not it the best interest of those children. Extended family has never been more important than it is today, as so many families are living in the pain of fractured families. To start one where things are already a mess, seems irresponsible.

This is not to mention that with the great age difference your childbearing years are now at the point where there you are at high risk to have a baby with problems. Not to mention that when that child is in high school, you would be in your 60's.

Have you been married before, and have children?

The mother is not going to change, and I would not subject myself to any affiliation with such a negative minded person who is so ready to lash out at you and has made some very scary comments already.

I would encourage you to give this relationship much more time to develop, because at 7 months you are still in the very early stages of it.

Do you and your boyfriend have equal earning power? There are many statistics that show that marriages that include a woman the is the main bread winner do not do well in the long run. It is an upset to the male female chemistry.

The very angry mother is a huge red flag, especially if her son cannot break ties with her, and who would really want to force a son to do so with his mother.

Although without knowing any of you, I could certainly be very wrong, but in my humble opinion, this relationship has many pitfalls and i snot something I would invest my time into at the age of 44. Wouldn't you be much better off with a mature man who has much more in common with you, has a stable lifestyle, a comfortable income and a family that can love you?

I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

Last edited by writeleft; 02-02-2011 at 04:55 PM.

 
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Old 02-02-2011, 05:07 PM   #3
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Re: Help with fiances racist mother!

Umm...He is a very mature man and we do have a lot in common, we're both very adventurous, love to travel, go out and do things, etc. I do make more than him but I also did make a lot more of my husband of 20 years. I am well aware of the risks and whatnot, but as I said, we both agreed to see how it went.

Everything else is good, even his father isn't like that, just his mother.

And no, he isn't a "partyer" or anything like that, doesn't smoke or drink and exercises and stays fit. He is a mechanic and makes pretty good money. I have a 20 year old daughter that I rarely speak with.

Last edited by Lady1121; 02-08-2011 at 02:23 PM.

 
Old 02-02-2011, 06:35 PM   #4
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Re: Help with fiances racist mother!

I dont think age difference is the problem here. I know so many couples that have a ten year plus difference between them and are perfectly happy with stable, healthy children. And yeah kids need extended family, but not when their grandmother is going to call them derogatory names! And hopes that they are never even born! Kids can do without that.
Just tell your bf that he doesnt have to cut off contact with his mother, but you are making a log of every time she calls harassing you, w with phone records and keeping every note or letter she sends and you WILL press harass,wmt charges. She has every right to her beliefs and to have pride. but that doesn't give her the right to harass and malign you.

 
Old 02-02-2011, 06:49 PM   #5
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Re: Help with fiances racist mother!

I don't think the age difference is the problem here, either, but I do think its jumping the gun a little to already be talking about marriage. I think you should be in the relationship longer to really get a feel for how it goes before making such a huge commitment. It sounds like its going ok and that's good, but don't be in such a hurry to get married. There is no reason to rush things. Just take it easy on that front and see how this relationship develops.

As for the racist psycho mother, if I were you I would just do my best to ignore her completely. If she sends you emails or letters - delete and toss in the garbage. If she calls, don't pick up the phone. In other words, don't give her an opportunity to spew her hate toward you. Your bf however needs to man up and tell his mom that this is the lady he has chosen to be with and it's not her decision so she needs to either deal with it or else shut the hell up. He isn't a child anymore, he is a grown man, and he needs to learn to stop kow-towing to her whenever she has a problem with his decisions. If he won't do that, then you have a big problem because he is a mama's boy and that type is the worst type to get involved with cause mommy will always be first priority and gf/wife will always be second forever.

 
Old 02-02-2011, 11:31 PM   #6
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Re: Help with fiances racist mother!

I think the question you need to ask yourself is, "am I willing to deal with this woman for the rest of my life." He has made it clear that he can't completely cut out contact, and for good reason. Nutburger or not, she is his mother. She will not go away, and she will always be there pulling at strings trying to ruin what you and he have. Are you prepared to handle that? I'm not trying to discourage you from marrying, and I certainly am not suggesting you end things with him. If you love him and you two are well aware of the road blocks you may run into then I say more power to you. Just be mindful of the fact that she likely will never give up. The best thing I could say if you find yourself in the position to continue on would be to just do your best to ignore her completely. Just because your fiance wants to keep in contact with his mother doesn't mean you have to. Be friendly and cordial, but you don't have to kiss her boots.

 
Old 02-03-2011, 09:29 AM   #7
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Re: Help with fiances racist mother!

Lady11, you've only been with this guy 7 months. Imagine what kind of toll her venom and abuse will take on you after, say, five years of it. It seems to me that relationships where the man puts someone or something else above his partner, don't work too well. I'm not saying he must break off all contact with her, but you didn't post anything that suggests that he has taken a stand against his mother and told her that she will cease treating the woman he loves in such a horrible way. If he hasn't even stood up to her and told her she will treat you with respect, or at the very least keep her opinions to herself around you, then yes, he is most definitely a mamma's boy and she will be calling the shots for him forever.

This woman is a total whack job. It's hard for me to imagine the man that would be worth putting up with that. When you marry someone, you marry their family, and that's just a fact. Man, imagine holidays, birthdays, summer vacations, with this woman around. I personally would prefer a life where I am not exposed to abuse, rather than a life where I am constantly having to dodge or try to ignore abuse. It does take a toll, no matter how well you ignore it. If your man isn't willing to at least say "mom, I know you don't like her, and you have a right to your feelings, but you have no right to send her emails and phone messages abusing her. I love her and that's that. Accept it, or at least keep your feelings to yourself and stop verbally abusing her, or you won't be hearing from me, either," if he can't even do that, then I just don't see this relationship lasting, or being happy for you.

 
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Old 02-03-2011, 11:47 AM   #8
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Re: Help with fiances racist mother!

I guess I need to explain a few things:

Yes, he has told his mother to stop, and he has stood up for me, not only from his mother but even from my daughter.

One time she was over and we were arguing and she told me to "**** off" he really showed her lol.

I know 7 months isn't that long, but we've already done so much together. We actually just came back from a trip to Europe two months ago which was a blast. He's always been kind and caring and the only time I've ever seen him get mad was when his mother or my daughter attacked me.

Last edited by Lady1121; 02-09-2011 at 02:02 AM.

 
Old 02-03-2011, 04:08 PM   #9
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Re: Help with fiance's racist mother!

I would give this relationship at least another year before making any big decisions.

 
Old 02-03-2011, 09:39 PM   #10
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Re: Help with fiance's racist mother!

I got married after eight months and we are still happy and in love after five years. that being said, our first year would have been easier had we taken it slower. Wait another five months before you make any life changing choices.

 
Old 02-04-2011, 03:58 PM   #11
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Re: Help with fiance's racist mother!

Age is just a number , you both sound happy enough except the mother. Whatever happens do not let her ruin your relationship dont let this cruel woman win its not fair on you and him. As for the marriage i think you should do what feels right for you both. Some people wait and get married and it still doesnt work out in the end. Whatever time you get married its always a risk no matter how long you been together. If it doent work out its not end of the world you deal with it at the time. Hope it all does go well for you both. Right as for the the mother and other immature people who is racist...do not bite back. dont open letters, dont open emails, dont read texts completely just bin and delete every single one of them. Avoid been in the same place as them. Show them you will NOT let them bring you down. Be strong and go be happy and let them stew in there own stupidity and hate because they are the ones wasting life on anger, hate and been a miserable person , least you get on with life and are happy with your man. They are nothing. Just tell your boyfriend that if he wants to talk about his mum to you , to just try keep it brief.

Last edited by cryingforever; 02-04-2011 at 03:59 PM.

 
Old 02-08-2011, 08:46 AM   #12
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Re: Help with fiance's racist mother!

They beauty of all of this is that you are the one that gets to make the decision, taking whatever advice you choose to, and discarding the rest.

Our goal is to offer our personal suggestions, with the hope that some of them may be helpful. Although the characters are all different, there are many common factors that apply across the boards.

When many of us make suggestions, it is typically based on experience, common sense and others who have come before, and have been so kind as to return with the outcomes of their personal dilemma's. Wishing you the very best!

By the way, please let us know how things go for you three. We all hope for the best.

 
Old 02-08-2011, 10:49 AM   #13
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Re: Help with fiance's racist mother!

i guess your bio-clock is ticking, so that's the rush, right?
i still wouldn't rush into a pregnancy with this guy at this point.....
he maybe a better match with your 20 year old daughter

 
Old 02-08-2011, 02:10 PM   #14
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Re: Help with fiance's racist mother!

Rose, no, that's not the reason. It's just that I am really in love with this man and want to marry him. And no way in hell would he and my daughter get along, as I said, he's already defended me against her attacks and disrespect against me.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 02-08-2011 at 04:43 PM.

 
Old 02-08-2011, 08:27 PM   #15
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Re: Help with fiance's racist mother!

Lady,

After only 7 months, you are allowing a man to discipline your 20 year old daughter? And we have to remember this man is only a few years older than her. I cannot imagine her feeling too good about this relationship either.

Have you honestly thought this out completely? From your explanations, there seems to be a big price to pay on several fronts...your daughter being number one, to start with.

Have you had a difficult relationship with her before he came along, or did this pop up when he did? She is your only daughter, and at 20 years old, she still needs you in her life.

The racist mother seems like less and less of a problem, the more we know about your story. I must re-iterate the importance of giving this marriage idea more time to work out all the differences. After all, marriage is an entire family affair.

 
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