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Old 02-05-2011, 07:25 AM   #1
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Why do I think of this guy from my past

Hi all,

My dp and I been together for nearly 6 years and we have a son ages 4.
I suppose because he not the intimate type and this guy was I think of him all the time. Plus my dp and I are not having sex really. He is a wonderful man but we never do anything as a couple it's just all based on our son.

I just keep thinking of him and the start of the new year said to myself u got to forgot about him and move on. I did and then today it's like I would really like to see him and explain apologise for the mess I got myself back there in. I suppose at the time didn't realise it but I loved him deep down finished it with got with this guy who I didn't love.

He is no good for me I know that deep down a bit of a bad boy. Just always have him on my mind. It don't help that I moved back to the same area I met him aswell. Memories are there all the time need some closure.
Need to see him badly. Very confused about why he stuck in my head day and day out feel like I should finish things with current partner as he says he will never change.

Advice please?

Last edited by secretive28; 02-05-2011 at 07:26 AM.

 
Old 02-05-2011, 08:44 AM   #2
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Re: Why do I think of this guy from my past

I don't think your problem is that you miss the ex bad boy. The problem is that you're currently with someone you don't love, and you're trying to cram a square peg into a round hole because you think that's what you're supposed to do. I think there's a lot more to love than "he has a job, he treats me nice and he's home every night."

You know the ex bad boy was no good for you. But you had a biological, chemical connection that felt like love. You have no such connection with your current guy, and that's what you're missing. Now, you have a child with this man so you need to think long and hard before ending things with him, but I don't think you'll ever be happy with this man you're with now. Not because of the ex, but because you don't love him. You want love. Compatibility, connection, someone who eases your mind, warms your heart AND curls your toes. It wasn't the ex, and it isn't this guy. I think moving to the old town reminded you of the passion and chemistry you're missing. Some people don't need it all. Some people are satisfied with a partner who is stable, home every night, TCB kind of guy, and they don't need love or passion or chemistry. Some people do need it all, reliability AND the compatibility and passion and love. You need to decide which person you are, which person you really want to be, NOT the person you think you're supposed to be, and then do something about it. Like they say, only you know what makes you happy, and only you will be unhappy if you don't get it.

 
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Old 02-05-2011, 10:22 AM   #3
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Re: Why do I think of this guy from my past

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
I don't think your problem is that you miss the ex bad boy. The problem is that you're currently with someone you don't love, and you're trying to cram a square peg into a round hole because you think that's what you're supposed to do. I think there's a lot more to love than "he has a job, he treats me nice and he's home every night."

You know the ex bad boy was no good for you. But you had a biological, chemical connection that felt like love. You have no such connection with your current guy, and that's what you're missing. Now, you have a child with this man so you need to think long and hard before ending things with him, but I don't think you'll ever be happy with this man you're with now. Not because of the ex, but because you don't love him. You want love. Compatibility, connection, someone who eases your mind, warms your heart AND curls your toes. It wasn't the ex, and it isn't this guy. I think moving to the old town reminded you of the passion and chemistry you're missing. Some people don't need it all. Some people are satisfied with a partner who is stable, home every night, TCB kind of guy, and they don't need love or passion or chemistry. Some people do need it all, reliability AND the compatibility and passion and love. You need to decide which person you are, which person you really want to be, NOT the person you think you're supposed to be, and then do something about it. Like they say, only you know what makes you happy, and only you will be unhappy if you don't get it.
Very good advice I agree that it sounds like you are not happy with your dp, which is bringing on these feelings for your ex. You may realize that it may not even be your ex that you want, but just someone who will give you what you need.

 
Old 02-05-2011, 11:27 AM   #4
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Re: Why do I think of this guy from my past

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
I don't think your problem is that you miss the ex bad boy. The problem is that you're currently with someone you don't love, and you're trying to cram a square peg into a round hole because you think that's what you're supposed to do. I think there's a lot more to love than "he has a job, he treats me nice and he's home every night."

You know the ex bad boy was no good for you. But you had a biological, chemical connection that felt like love. You have no such connection with your current guy, and that's what you're missing. Now, you have a child with this man so you need to think long and hard before ending things with him, but I don't think you'll ever be happy with this man you're with now. Not because of the ex, but because you don't love him. You want love. Compatibility, connection, someone who eases your mind, warms your heart AND curls your toes. It wasn't the ex, and it isn't this guy. I think moving to the old town reminded you of the passion and chemistry you're missing. Some people don't need it all. Some people are satisfied with a partner who is stable, home every night, TCB kind of guy, and they don't need love or passion or chemistry. Some people do need it all, reliability AND the compatibility and passion and love. You need to decide which person you are, which person you really want to be, NOT the person you think you're supposed to be, and then do something about it. Like they say, only you know what makes you happy, and only you will be unhappy if you don't get it.
Hi

I think I was in a mess when I got with my current partner and he was friend with someone I know. So we exchanged numbers over the phone.
I then went through something tragic and he would chat to me and give me advice. Such a great friend.
Then I attached myself to him want more from than I should of really. He is a lovely guy but he just split from his gf of 4 years. Both of us was going through difficult time got together. He was still friends with ex and I had a feeling something was not right between them. Then one day he came to see me and told me they fell out big time and that was it.
So we did grow a lot closer after that but he couldn't say he loved me for ages and felt really second best. Back then I did love but then again it could be that I was such a mess didn't know. We have grown closer together and now have a son but things are not right and we have had so many problems.

He is not type of guy I am use too. I like to go out to clubs or be taken out and he did that at the start. Now he don't want us to spend not time together as a couple as I said everything is based round our son. He said he don't want to get married and feel like I am not what he wants.

I supppose problems now that caused me to think thing of this ex I shouldn't and feel this way towards him. Maybe it's just me and deep down he is a great guy shouldn't through it away because of me thinking of a past guy who really was not very good. Although he we did have a connection and he did make my heart skip a beat unlike my currant partner.

It's difficult for me to say well I will tell him it's over as we have a son together and now I do think as years have gone on he does love me but the problem is I don't anymore. Can't carry on living life like I have been pretending we are happy and we are not. Feel pressured to stay with me as people have expected us to break up and if I do they will be right I messed up the only really good thing in my life. I know there is other guys out there but will they treat me like he has and I surely don't know want to through it having these silly thought.

thankyou for your advice you have got me thinking.

 
Old 02-26-2011, 03:34 PM   #5
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Re: Why do I think of this guy from my past

For me - not happy with current hubby of 25 years (I'm a slow learner) and feel like I let one get away. I'm just lately realizing it. Life is different now.

Prayers

 
Old 02-26-2011, 05:49 PM   #6
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Re: Why do I think of this guy from my past

There is nothing more important than your child. You might need to find a way to bring happiness to yourself and your child by following the dads idea of raising a child...focusing on him. You really cannot go backwards in this life, only forward.

Take what you have and make it beautiful for your son, and your son will always be happiest if his dad and mom are together.

Don't look back, it will never be the same and it sounds as if it really wasn't very good.

 
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Old 02-27-2011, 01:55 PM   #7
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Re: Why do I think of this guy from my past

Sorry stepper you not happy after 25 years with your partner.

I just think we need to spend some time a lone together and when we do we are fine. I suppose I should not be thinking something better will come a long like a fairytale as them things don't happen to me.
My dp is a lovely guy and we just got to sort ourselves and me stop thinking of past relationships aswell. That guy has gone and just think certain situation got myself into and he was apart of the tragic thing why I think of him to be honest. He was a fun charactor and a guy probably I couldn't handle just someone I did feel I connected at the time but in fact looking back he was a right loser. My dp is better thats all I should think of.

 
Old 02-28-2011, 06:31 AM   #8
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Re: Why do I think of this guy from my past

Thanks for your thoughts secretive...

Who said, "we're as happy as we decide to be" Abraham Lincoln I think

Prayers

 
Old 02-28-2011, 06:37 AM   #9
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Re: Why do I think of this guy from my past

Forget what people think if you split with your partner, it's none of their business, they don't have to live your life. As for your son he will be better of having two happy, separate parents than misserable ones stay together because of him. He can't be the glue that sticks your relationship together.

Either talk to your partner about fixing what's wrong, and if that's not possible then you have to think about walking away. Forget about the other guy, he's not the right one for you either, and could be a bad influence on your son also.

 
Old 02-28-2011, 01:13 PM   #10
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Re: Why do I think of this guy from my past

Secretive,

I love what you just wrote. When my first and only marriage was young, and my beautiful son was a toddler...I got distracted and made a quick decision to leave. I will never forgive myself for that, and I would never wish that same pain on anyone else. I realized I had made a huge mistake that I have never really forgiven myself for to this day.

It sounds as if your life has lovely potential, make your own happiness...

You mentioned a lot of very important qualities in your man, and your relationship. Don't trade those qualities away until you can re-create all of them yourself for your son.

Something about you reminds me of myself.

 
Old 03-04-2011, 02:05 PM   #11
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Re: Why do I think of this guy from my past

Quote:
Originally Posted by writeleft View Post
Secretive,

I love what you just wrote. When my first and only marriage was young, and my beautiful son was a toddler...I got distracted and made a quick decision to leave. I will never forgive myself for that, and I would never wish that same pain on anyone else. I realized I had made a huge mistake that I have never really forgiven myself for to this day.

It sounds as if your life has lovely potential, make your own happiness...

You mentioned a lot of very important qualities in your man, and your relationship. Don't trade those qualities away until you can re-create all of them yourself for your son.

Something about you reminds me of myself.
Everything u say is so true.

Oh I know if I made a decision now in my life it would not good at all.
He is a good man and need to stop thinking the grass is greener on the other side.
This man from my past has been on my mind today but as I said because of this tragic thing that happened to me. It will soon pass I hope.

I can see where each and everyone of u are coming from and even a lot of u have said something thats made me think.
I can't just up and leave because of hoping something better will come a long. I know the right man has come into my life just both of us caught up in ourselves not each other. Other than that we get on brilliantly and we hardly argue.

 
Old 03-05-2011, 12:30 PM   #12
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Re: Why do I think of this guy from my past

I know my biggest mistake was focusing on what I did not have, instead of what I did have. What I did not have was a fantastic social life, what I did have was a stable loving home with my husband and child. There was no comparison. It sounds like you have realized what you do have, and it is priceless.

As they say, don't throw that baby out with the bathwater...

My best to you and your family...love them with all your might, and it will pay off forever.

 
Old 03-31-2011, 01:21 PM   #13
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Re: Why do I think of this guy from my past

We are going through a lot right now.

He just thinks that's it's affecting just him wrote another post just now which will explain it all.

But I still think of this guy each day and maybe I am just realising we are not meant to be at all.

 
Old 03-31-2011, 01:43 PM   #14
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Re: Why do I think of this guy from my past

In your initial post, you said you do not love your current partner. You never really explained it, but you never really retracted that, either. You also wrote in your other post that you don't think you really love him. So I'm operating on the assumption that you meant it when you said you didn't love him. That's understandable, especially since he won't touch you or even make love with you and seems to have no affection for you. Sometimes we can't have it all. It sounds to me like you have security, but a sexless and loveless partnership. You chose to give up love and sex for the sake of security. If that's the case, then you have to wrap your mind around the fact that love, passion, affection and sex are the sacrifices you made for the life you have. I mean, you can't force yourself to fall in love with someone you just don't love, or someone who doesn't even want to touch you or make love to you. It just doesn't work that way. You can have affection, respect and fondness for your partner, but it sounds like you just will never really love him, and you miss the feeling of being in love. I think maybe it's ok to keep the ex in the back of your mind, but more as a fantasy rather than a possibility. Passion and love are the things you made the choice to give up when you chose to stay with this man. Now you have to decide if that was the right choice for you, and if what you have with him is worth only having romance, love and passion as a fantasy and never a reality. You'll just have to think long and hard about it.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 03-31-2011 at 01:48 PM.

 
Old 04-01-2011, 08:40 AM   #15
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Re: Why do I think of this guy from my past

You sound confused, and maybe a bit depressed. Definitely not a good state of mind for rushing to decisions with drastic consequences.

In the nine years I've been with my wife (4 years married) we've had our ups and downs--I've never felt like I didn't love her--but it's not always a fairytale. We have a two-year old, we both work, and life is really hard sometimes. The key is to take a step back and realize what you do have.

It's a little odd that you only mention your little boy in passing, and even talked about how you like to go out to clubs, but don't do that anymore. Well, you have a child! Life changes, a lot. My wife and I did a fair amount of partying in the early part of our relationship, but those days are long gone. I miss those carefree days sometimes, but life has changed and, really, it has changed for the better.

A lot of life is all about perspective.

 
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