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Old 02-05-2011, 10:14 AM   #1
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Having a hard time explaining to him what I really feel

I'll try to sum things up as easily as possible...

I got married to a wonderful, amazing man in September. We had been together for 10 months. 2 months before that I found out I was pregnant (I was on the pill so it definitely was not planned at the time). He has a 5 y/o from his first marriage, and I have a 4 y/o and 2 y/o from my previous relationship (we never married, he was very abusive to me and it took me a long time to finally leave him for good). After I left my ex, I met my husband, who is so different my ex, he is truly wonderful to me and my kids and I feel so blessed to have him in my life.

He suggested getting married asap when I found out we were expecting, since I didn't have health ins. We'd talked (not seriously) about marriage before the pregnancy, and we both knew it was what we wanted, but with the baby coming, we decided to just do the legal part now, and worry about the rest later. Well, I guess the thing that bother me is I don't think he's interested in ever having a wedding celebration, or much else to do with it. I bought him a ring, but he doesn't want to wear it until he gets one for me, which he said he cannot afford right now. He said he wants to wait until he can get me the ring I deserve. I told him many times that it's not the cost of the ring I care about, it's what it stands for...whether he spends $100 or $5000 it does not matter to me one bit.

I guess I also just feel robbed of having my special day. Our marriage was really quick, the judge came over to our house and married us in the kitchen, each of us had our witness and it was done. That was it. I never thought that was how I was going to get married. I thought it would seem more special than that. We have some family and friends that offered to do a reception-type ceremony for us (which is all I really wanted anyway, just something small with a few friends and family), and he didn't seem very interested. He said it seemed forced and he was embarrassed that he couldn't buy me a nice ring so he said he wasn't interested. He said he wasn't concerned about the actual wedding day, but the life that comes after it, which I completely agree with, but I still wanted to celebrate, and I feel robbed of that. No wedding dress shopping, no pictures to show my kids of our special day.

The other thing that bothers me, too is that his first marriage was a very nice wedding, with all kinds of pictures (some I've unfortunately come across when we were going through things which hurt me even more). He said doing another wedding ceremony would feel fake to him, since his first marriage didn't work out. They were together for 10 years (married for 4), and she cheated on him repeatedly, then left him. They had been divorced for almost 3 years when we met.

I just feel unhappy at times at the way things worked out, even though I know it was all meant to be and I am happy to be with him. With the fourth child on the way I am feeling extremely overwhelmed as it is and feel like things will never be the way I want them to be. I am battling with some sort of depression (have been off and on for years) and being pregnant has made things worse. Some days I'm so excited about the baby, and other days I wonder what I've gotten myself into and just cry and cry. I am always irritable and feel worthless at times, like if I take any time for myself I feel guilty that I'm not spending time with the kids. I haven't told him any of this because I am embarrassed he'll think I'm not a good mother or think he married another crazy I want to tell him, but I don't know how without bursting into tears, because I can't exactly explain why I feel this way all the time, other than normal life stresses. I want to be able to feel like I can tell him anything, but obviously I am having a hard time telling him how hurt I really feel about the whole marriage thing, and now that I'm feeling depressed. I feel like if I tell him, I worry it'll seem like I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I'm not the type to share my feelings, and I keep everything inside, which I know can't be good. I don't know if it has anything to do with the abuse in my past relationship, and how long that would take me to completely heal from that. My husband now is the complete opposite, has never even raised his voice at me or called me a name when we argue/have a disagreement. I was used to being called worthless and pretty much every name in the book every time my ex and I argued.

Sorry this was so long, and thank you to anyone who got this far and may have any advice for me

 
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Old 02-05-2011, 11:15 AM   #2
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Re: Having a hard time explaining to him what I really feel

I think your inability to give voice to your real feelings, and taking your anger and resentment and bottling it up inside is exactly what's causing your depression. I think you might want to talk to a therapist or counselor about how you can learn to stand up for yourself and be your own champion and learn how to tell people how you feel in an assertive, non-confrontational, non-accusing way. I would not suggest taking drugs for your depression until you learn how to better deal with this problem I think if you dealt with this problem, the depression would go away.

I don't blame you one bit for feeling cheated out of a wedding day, especially when his first wife got a big, lovely wedding. I imagine it makes you feel like he doesn't consider you worthy of a nice wedding day, a happy celebration. But if it means that much to you, you have to tell him. He can't read your mind, and it seems to be something you not only really want, but need in order to feel valued and respected in this relationship. he won't know that unless and until you tell him. Perhaps you're afraid of what he will do after you tell him. Not only think you're "another crazy," but that he will say "yeah, you're right, you're not worth a big fancy wedding." but you can't keep things inside because you're afraid of how someone will react. Especially if it means this much to you. His pride over not being able to get you a big fancy ring, that's selfish of him. He should be able to put you above his own pride. It might also be a Taming Of The Shrew thing. As long as he claims no ring he could possibly afford is good enough for you, then he never has to commit to getting you a ring at all. What the heck, you might even want to consider getting your own ring, just a simple, inexpensive gold band to let the world know you're a married woman. You are a married woman, so I don't see any reason why you have to wait for him to get off his duff and get you a ring. Get your own until he's ready to replace it. If he really loves you, he'll see how important having a ring is to you and he'll step up and replace it soon

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 02-05-2011 at 11:18 AM.

 
Old 02-06-2011, 08:06 AM   #3
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Re: Having a hard time explaining to him what I really feel

I suspect this won't be a popular post but here goes anyway.

I understand your feeling cheated. The marriage ceremony you got was pretty weak. However, our lives lead us to where we are and how things play out. I suspect that first wife who got the lovely wedding did not have 2 kids and a previous committed relationship that lasted many years. Let's be frank. If you had gone a different route and chosen a different man, you would have probably gotten your special day way back then. You didn't. Its' just the way your life played out.

I know this sounds cold and uncaring, but I really think that if his man is wonderful and you really can see a life with him, I think you should just get over it. You're married. You love him and he loves you. Yes, I would still talk to him and make sure he understands how you feel because it doesn't sound like you'll let it go without making sure he "gets" it. But I wouldn't put a wedding out there as his only option. With the past the two of you have (marriages/relationship/children) instead of pushing for a wedding ceremony you know he does not want when you are already married, I would ask him if the two of you can start planning a very special 1 year anniversary celebration. Start lining up folks to take care of all the kids, pick a place that's in your budget, start shopping for special outfits and when you are there get a few beautiful pictures of the two of you alone for your album. Maybe have an anniversary party with family and friends before you leave for your private celebration. Heck, play your cards right and it could be a weekend get away tradition for your entire marriage's anniversary celebrations. I know it sounds silly, but that's a lot of social website postings of "your days".

Being together for the rest of your lives is the goal here, not a couple of hours on a Saturday afternoon. I guess I actually see his side of this but I do agree that you need something special. I'd just go at this from a different angle and create a different kind of special.

 
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Old 02-09-2011, 12:25 PM   #4
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Re: Having a hard time explaining to him what I really feel

A wedding isn't anything I'd want to do twice, so I can see where he's coming from. I liked my wedding just fine (some parts were actually great), but there was a lot of stress and headaches that went into it. We actually eloped several months before our wedding without telling anyone, and then just went through the motions on the big day. I think we both would've been happy just eloping, but we have traditional families that sort of required the big wedding. It's not for everyone.

 
Old 02-09-2011, 12:41 PM   #5
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Re: Having a hard time explaining to him what I really feel

Keep in mind, though, this guy not only doesn't want a wedding, he doesn't want any kind of reception, party, or occasion at all, and he doesn't want wedding rings, either.

 
Old 02-09-2011, 09:25 PM   #6
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Re: Having a hard time explaining to him what I really feel

And p.s., Brooke, I think not wanting a big fuss of a wedding is one thing, but there's a lot more going on here. There are all kinds of women, and some couldn't care less about having a nice, memorable wedding, but others want some kind of special day, special occassion or ceremony. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

But the fact that he doesn't want a reception of any kind, doesn't even want wedding rings, that sends up a red flag to me. This is only my opinion, and I could be reading this wrong, and you know him much better than I do, I'm just an anonymous person on a computer, BUT...I get a feeling the main reason why he wanted to get married so fast and just get the legal stuff out of the way, was because he wanted legal claim on the child, and didn't want you to be able to just take the child away, or put someone else's name on the birth certificate as the child's father. But it seems he doesn't want anyone to even know you two are married. Again, I could be wrong, but I get the feeling that "I don't want to wear a ring until I can get you a nice enough one" is just a lame excuse. He doesn't want to wear a wedding ring, alright, but that's not why.

 
Old 02-10-2011, 10:55 AM   #7
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Re: Having a hard time explaining to him what I really feel

What's wrong with wanting "legal claim on the child." A lot of good, decent guys out there get totally stiffed when it comes to paternity rights outside of marriage, and would have to jump through a lot of hoops to establish paternity should Mom refuse to list him on the birth certificate. And a lot of other guys are dirtbags who want no legal (and, thus, no financial) responsibility for their children.

It would be great if you guys could reach a compromise--small inexpensive and informal gathering with only certain folks. Or at least find something else special to do to commemorate the occasion for the both of you.

Again, though, coming from a guy, weddings (by today's standards) pretty much suck.

 
Old 02-10-2011, 12:21 PM   #8
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Re: Having a hard time explaining to him what I really feel

Quote:
Originally Posted by caberg View Post
What's wrong with wanting "legal claim on the child." A lot of good, decent guys out there get totally stiffed when it comes to paternity rights outside of marriage, and would have to jump through a lot of hoops to establish paternity should Mom refuse to list him on the birth certificate. And a lot of other guys are dirtbags who want no legal (and, thus, no financial) responsibility for their children.
Nothing's wrong with wanting legal claim on the child. The problem is, IF that's where he's coming from, he's not being honest about it. If that's all he's after, he should say so. "I'm not really in love with you, and I don't want the world to know we're married, and I want to continue to live like I'm single, I don't want to wear your ring and I don't want to put a ring on you, but I want us legally married so I will have my paternal rights intact." IF that's where he's coming from, he should be big enough to come out and say it, instead of pretending like he wants to be a loving husband, and is all into the romantic part of being married, when it really seems like he's not.

 
Old 02-11-2011, 03:55 PM   #9
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Re: Having a hard time explaining to him what I really feel

I see where you're coming from. He definitely wants to be married, and is proud that we are married and happy to tell everyone. We live in a small town anyway, where everyone knows everyone. I am thinking of going with pp's idea, about an anniversary celebration. Maybe this year, hopefully if all goes well with getting adjusted to life with the new baby. I am also hoping to start a FT job at the school in September, so with all that going on we may not get to do it this year in September unless we hurry up and start planning something now. Thankfully, he is an excellent father so I am not at all worried about that part. I don't think I could've picked a better dad for my baby. He treats my kids like his own and has a lot of involvement in his daughter's life, since he has shared custody 50/50, he'd give anything in the world to have her 100% of the time so I know he'd never have to worry about me trying to list someone else as the father.

 
Old 02-11-2011, 04:07 PM   #10
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Re: Having a hard time explaining to him what I really feel

I think that the only way forward from this is to both get an understanding of eachother how you both feel etc etc...whats done is done and you cant change the past. I think that a nice little celebration would be lovely for you and him what another post suggested and then to get on with your lives in happiness and enjoy it, lifes short.

 
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