I want to handle this situation maturely and rationally.
My boyfriend had told me a woman contacted him on a social networking site and asked if he was single, etc. He told me he replied to her and told her no and told her a little about me, etc. This was a few weeks ago and nothing else was said. However, the other day he had the site open and I snooped and found several long message to and from this woman. Conversations seemed pretty innocent on his part but she was veering towards more sexual conversation. HIs responses weren't sexual but more flirtatious in nature. However, the conversations were LONG, like he was trying to get to know her better, asking her questions about her hobbies, etc.
I can see this getting out of hand quickly if he doesn't stop it. Should I say something to him and how should I bring it up?
It sounds like it already is out of hand to me! He's already crossed a line if you ask me! Maybe someone will have some good advice because I'd be furious that he's carrying on with a woman that clearly has shown an interest in him!
then you tell him it's unacceptable.....
the network site is for FRIENDS, FAMILY, people you already know.....
it's not to be used as a singles site, a dating site, etc.....
He's dangerously close to the emotional affair area. He's in the wrong, he's the one being inappropriate. I don't see why you feel you need to tippy-toe around this issue and wonder how to approach it "just right." Let him know, clearly, firmly and calmly, that you know what's going on, it's not ok with you, and it needs to stop NOW. Period. How he responds will tell you very clearly how much he cares, or doesn't care, about you.
He's dangerously close to the emotional affair area. He's in the wrong, he's the one being inappropriate. I don't see why you feel you need to tippy-toe around this issue and wonder how to approach it "just right." Let him know, clearly, firmly and calmly, that you know what's going on, it's not ok with you, and it needs to stop NOW. Period. How he responds will tell you very clearly how much he cares, or doesn't care, about you.
I don't think it's a matter of confronting him, it's a matter of explaining how she found the information. How is she going to explain to him that she went through his stuff? If anything, he's the one who's going to get upset because from the OP even wrote, nothing has happened and he has kept it innocent.
As for a solution, try to bring it up in casual conversation. Try to have a story or experience where it might come up and then see if he talks about or even ask him, "So whatever happened to X"
wrkgirl, I wouldn't be too worried about how you found this out. He had the site open, in plain view, there was no real expectation of privacy if he was too careless to close it down before leaving the computer area. It could be he sees this as totally innocent, but he's being very naive. He may think it's innocent, but this other woman most certainly does not. You have every right to let him know in no uncertain terms that this is not ok with you. He'll never know it bothers you if you never tell him.
Isn't that kind of like saying if a woman leaves her purse open and unattended it's okay for a guy to go through it?
No. A stranger out in public who doesn't know her, that wouldn't be ok. But if she leaves the purse open on her kitchen table and her husband or partner walks by and sees something in plain view that looks strange, so he looks further, the expectation of privacy isn't the same, and if she is up to something hinky, her husband certainly has the right to know. The bottom line is, he seems to be at the very beginning of an emotional affair, and he lied to her about the amount and the content of his communications with this woman, and if she hadn't looked, she never would have known.
It isn't totally innocent. She's wanting sexual talk, he's flirting and wanting to know personal stuff about her. He's encouraging this by participating. In his messages did he make it clear to her that he wasn't interested in sexual conversations?
She was a complete stranger and he should have stopped it right from the start.
Don't let him turn this around on you and make you in the wrong for snooping. He's the one at fault here. Tell him you saw what was going on when he left the site open and this is not ok with you. If he cares more about you than his ego boost/emotional affair then he will stop.
this is my personal opinion on this. i think he was getting to know her and i think he would of cheated in the long run. could be wrong. hope i am wrong. i just think theres evidence there that things were blossoming. if it was me thats the way i would look at it. he would of said ''sorry i have a partner who i love so much and i am not interested''. did he say that? im guessing no.
I found a love letter that the guy I was dating wrote to another woman. I found it when I was alone in his home. He had it out on a table with a bunch of other stuff. Did I have a right to read it? No. But I did. I confronted him and first thing, I admitted I'd snooped. He did get angry, but I wouldn't allow him to just end the conversation with him being angry at me for snooping. He eventually did discuss the love letter with me. He'd written it during a time when I was upset at him for something and was refusing to see or talk to him. He said he was reaching out for someone because I'd rejected him. I didn't much like that explanation, but he did agree to discuss it with me calmly after all.
How strong is your relationship? How strong is your self esteem? I would come out and ask. You have the right to know what's going on in your own relationship. But he too has the right to know you snooped.
Hey if you 'handle it' too soft with him he will turn it around on you and he will know he can get away with doing stuff like that. Be strong and stand up for yourself. Make your thoughts and feelings be counted. Hes not the one suffering here , you are from what you have found. My opinion is snooping sometimes needs to be done in order to get answers when something doesnt feel right, alot say its wrong but i see as if people didnt snoop they could be led along and lied to and cheated on for a long time and be unknown to health risks. I mean lets face it snooping is no where near as bad as cheating , people who cheat are sly and sneeky so why should they get special treatment of not looking through there things. sorry but i dont think its totally wrong. i think its only necessary when something suspicious happens. i dont blame you at all for snooping. i think its a natural thing to do. people want answers. people want solid evidence. so only way to get that is by snooping. as for your partner, talk to him. or leave.
Last edited by cryingforever; 02-11-2011 at 07:25 PM.
Honestly there is no way of knowing what his intentions are on this. It upsets you it is still going on....so I would bring it up to him. Now on the part of the messaging..it could potential just be because he likes the attention. Women are not guilty of this very same thing? Haveing 'nice guys' orbiters hanging with them..complimenting them all the time and such.. when they already have a boyfriend. See it all the time. Doesnt mean anything will ever happen..You said that her messages where sexuly charged while his where not. Maybe he is just trying to let her down easy and enjoying the attention. The fact that he told you about it from the get go is a good sign that he wasnt trying to hide it from you. He told you that he told her that he wasnt single...but did he say anything about completley stop talking to her? He may just be curious about who she is and why she contacted him..etc.
It bugs you so bring it up and be strong about it like the other person has said.
Last edited by waywardson; 02-17-2011 at 05:12 AM.
