I need advise desperately.My partner of 8yrs recently found out about a sexual encounter i had with a woman,it was a once off thing & she is extremely devasted.I am saddened by conduct of course, but i am finding it difficult to be -,in fact i have had many encounters with other women but i have never been cuaght.Here is my situation,plse don't be hush to judge me just yet,hear me out first.
I have tried to be as open and as frank with my partner about my sexual desires meaning i have a higher sex drive than she does.Over the last couple of years she has stopped making advances & i find myself always reaching out to initiate sex or love making rather as i always aim to plse her.I have queried why she never ever seems to touch me or at the least say she wants me,something to make her man feel appreciated,she either can't answer or says she has to be in the right mood,romantically speaking,now this has been a hot topic for close onto 2yrs & i have mentioned it to my mother & close friends seeking to establish a plausable cause or reason for this lack of attraction or whatever u may call it.At one stage i was convinced she may be getting it elswhere,i even started snooping,silly hey,some events i won't mention here obviously got me on that trck,no evidence,or i just decided not to pursue that any further?,But seriously this is seriously what started me of looking outside of my relationship,i love her dearly & i was hoping she could come around,now that she has found out about my indiscretions,i feel that at least she knows how i feel about sex,not that i excusing my behaviour,but in a relationship,compromises are part of the story,right or wrong?,i gave her all the low down about how i feel & what i feel about our sexual side of the relationship & now i must pretend or be highly sorry for getting caught,mind you i am not good at hiding my feelings,but i won't be defending myself with this story line either as she knows we have spoken on this matter at length,Do you guy's thinks this is ringing at the back of her mind,we have a beautiful family two boy and a baby girl,& i don't want to lose what i have either,plse advise on the way forward.
It's been my experience, that a lot of times, women are more perceptive than men think they are. She's probably sensed that you were messing around with other women, even if she didn't know the facts of it all.
A couple of things about your post disturb me. You say you have to "pretend to act like you're sorry you got caught." That implies that you are NOT sorry you slept with another woman. I assure you, if you were a good enough actor to really, truly fool her, you'd be giving Colin Firth a run for his money at this year's Oscars, but you aren't. (You're not secretly James Franco, are you?) She knows on some level that you're not really sorry you cheated on her. Well, of COURSE she doesn't want to have sex with you. Why should she want to share the most personal, most intimate, most precious of acts between two human beings with someone who broke vows he made to her, broke her heart and her spirit, and isn't really sorry for doing so? I know the sexlessness started before you cheated, but I'm guessing there were other things wrong in the marriage, and instead of turning to her to try to fix those problems, you turned to other women. And now you tell her "I don't want to have to cheat again, so you need to start servicing me more!" I'm sure those weren't your words, but that's the message I heard reading your post. But the fact is, differing sex drives, and lack of sex in a marriage, are not excuses or licenses for infidelity.
The bottom line is, if you want your wife to tend to you sexually, you must tend to her emotionally. Make her feel loved, desired, cherished, like she's the most important person in your life, and let her know it every single day. AND you must figure out why you need to TRULY be sorry for what you did and how it hurt her, rather than just pretend. If you aren't really sorry, she'll never really forgive you, nor should she.
The Following User Says Thank You to Larrylou'smom For This Useful Post: cryingforever (02-12-2011)
She knows on some level that you're not really sorry you cheated on her. Well, of COURSE she doesn't want to have sex with you. Why should she want to share the most personal, most intimate, most precious of acts between two human beings with someone who broke vows he made to her, broke her heart and her spirit, and isn't really sorry for doing so?
Agree 100%. You're the one screwing around, yet she's the one who's supposed to change?
I don't think so.
You say you "don't want to lose her", but I think ultimately, you will.
The only real mystery is which of you is going to leave first.
Yeah, I have to agree that it's really hard to want to be intimate with someone after you know they have cheated. It's virtually impossible. Once you know your partner has betrayed you in such an intimate way, it pretty much spoils the entire thing completely and makes it virtually impossible to get things back to normal again.
It's like the time I was making scrambled eggs and when I cracked the second egg open, instead of a regular egg, it was this bloody gooey glob of slime that was so gross, I seriously haven't been able to eat or even look at eggs again since then. Five years later and I still can't do it. In very much the same way, once the trust in a relationship gets broken like that, it makes it impossible to want to be with that person again. And if she was already having problems with her sex drive before she found out, the chances of her ever wanting to be intimate with you now knowing you've betrayed her, let's just say it doesn't look good. I don't think this relationship has much of a future, I think it's pretty much done.
I know you said you have spoke to her about you two's sex life but you cheated and thats wrong and you put her at risk aswell. Sorry i just think you dont love her at all, you cheat , your not even truly sorry. Someone who loves someone does not cheat no matter what. Also there is other ways to relieve sexual frustration which dont include cheating. One of my ex partners stopped love making and all them months i never even thought of cheating as i believe in been truly faithful and sex isnt everything. If it was that bad in your relationship (the sex side of things) you should of ended the relationship but instead you have hurt her and you dont seem to be even bothered about it either. You might say ''but i cant leave her because we have kids together'' BUT the kids pick up on this behaviour and all the tension and its no good for them.
You really should have thought about what you stood to lose before you cheated and put the mother of your children at risk.
You say relationships are about compromise, was that compromise on your part? She doesn't have sex with you as often as you'd like, so you go and have sex with a prostitute instead and put both yourself and your partner at risk. Does she even know that you are worried you might have caught something?
You have young kids, a baby, did you not stop and think that that may be the reason she doesn't want sex? It can be hard for some women to switch of being in mother mode, kids are tiring and can be stressful, and hormones can have a huge detrimental effect on sex drive after having a baby.
In my opinion cheating is never the answer. You either try all you possibly can to fix what is wrong or you walk away before it gets that far.
It seems you aren't actually sorry at all that you cheated, only that you got caught.
The Following User Says Thank You to Ely4 For This Useful Post: cryingforever (02-12-2011)
Wow, this is much worse that it sounded originally...and it sounded bad enough. Your "encounter" was with a prostitute, and you are worried about HIV...which you very well should be, as well as possibly exposing your wife to it. If you have to "pretend" to feel guilty about that, then your relationship with your wife has more issues than simply you wanting more sex.
Personally, I would not continue a marriage if my husband bought a prostitute and then had unprotected sex with her, regardless if he meant to br unprotected or not, he sure meant to buy sex from a prostitute which is bad enough.
I have no idea if your wife is going to be willing to forgive you for this. But she will probably have serious trust issues with you from now on if she does choose to stay with you. And you have to expect that and even understand it.
Hmmm...in fairness, I don't see anything about a prostitute in the one post that terror wrote, not sure where that came from.
Terror, I hope you do come back, read the advice and let us know what your plan is and how it's going. You may have received some judgment, but some good advice as well, and I think it's important for you to get the woman's perpective on this. I should have added, too, that when I said tend to your wife emotionally, let her feel loved and cherished, I meant OUTSIDE the bedroom. If you don't already, help with the dishes and the vacuuming. If there's something around the house that needs doing htat she's been hounding you to do for days or weeks, do it. Be her partner outside the bedroom. That's the best way to make a woman feel loved and secure and cared for enough to be more amenable to being your partner inside the bedroom. And again, accept that you messed up, regardless of the state of your sex life, going outside the marriage is not acceptable, and be truly sorry, not just that you got caught, but sorry that you broke your vows and hurt her.
It was in a post on another board. He wrote about his fear of contracting HIV from his encounters with a prostitute.
Yes, I can see that going to a prostitute might be viewed as less harmful than conducting an affair, but it is still sex outside of marriage without your wife's knowledge. Plus the fact that the risk of STDs is there. I understand that you did attempt to protect yourself, but as you found out, that's not foolproof.
If you want to remain in your marriage you should look into other methods of improving it other than sneaking outside the marriage for sex. If talking to your wife isn't getting anywhere, maybe a third party (therapist) may be in order. Tell your wife that you want therapy so that the two of you can strengthen your marriage and save it. That is, if that's what you want. If you want to continue the outside sex, then the marriage would be best ended.
Yikes, I didn't see the part about the prostitute. Does your wife know the affair was with a prostitute? If she didn't want you before, the chances of her wanting you now are pretty slim to none in that case. Have you been tested for STDs? You should go right now and check for everything. Unfortunately there is no test for HPV in males so if you caught that, you could pass it along to all future women that you sleep with. Yikes. I wouldn't want to be in your shoes.
Well,well ladies only responses,thanks for your honest responses to my dilema and your insightfullness.If for a fact this relationship is going to end then why would she drag it out this long?,i mean i have been forthright with my concerns such as if you are not interested or having lost the loving feeling why not say so?,if one is so unhappy expecting a partner to change why stay?,i would never say i am going to change cause i still believe i am the same man she met and fell in love with,probably this situation could have a positive effect on our relationship,cause it was not that bad,just mundane.Don't get me wrong a i am a hands on kinda guy,that will do the gardening if need be,do the laundry if need be,look after the kids if need be.Run errends for her if need be,name it i have done it and will do anything if it is within my power to please my woman.
I don't want sex with my woman,i want to make love to her and i try to be intimate,but as women you all know that kids,cooking etc,play a role in your guy's emotional set up.When i said i am not sorry to have been found out it's because i want to see if this relationship has what it takes to survive,and i have every confidence it might,albeit with alot of work from my side.Thank you for clarifying the aspect of me getting back to making her feel like she is my world & your honest take on this got me thinking that,she was my world before and i need to get back to treating her that way.Is it safe to say that because a man has strayed there can never be a chance of both parties introspecting and honestly feeling that they may have both contributed to one or the other partner cheating.One last thing when i get this situation right,which i believe i have the ability to do,no offence ladies,i will let you all in on my secret.Because instead of begging & pleading for a second chance i have the uncanny task of really changing which to me is the perfect opportunity to prove not only to her but myself that i can change for the better.
When a woman does not rage and get out all her anger,just sms's in the begining after she found out and yah that was basically that,would you not say that maybe this person has it going on somewhere else,women are better liars or better at not getting caught than men are,i those are facts.Maybe it is just to save face,like one you rightfully pointed out,this maybe be the catalyst to the end,and she would like have me believe i am the cause just because my cat is out of the bag.
What happens when a man has a feeling his woman is getting it on somewhere out there,but just does not have the proof?,i mean no rage no anger.Today is valentines day,i snuck in a kiss,we had a long walk yesterday went to the hair dressers with her,just had a conversation,went to bed separetly though,all in all,it is abit confusing????,what is she thinking right now.
I think the only way to know what she's thinking is to ask her.
Why didn't she fly into a rage? It could be for lots of reasons. Maybe she's too heartbroken to be angry. Maybe she just feels defeated. Maybe on some level she already knew and therefore wasn't suprised. But I think your assumption that she too is sleeping around is most likely your projection. You slept around, so maybe it makes you feel a bit better about it to assume she's doing it, too. Now, you know her better than I do of course, but I think it would be a mistake to assume she's "getting it somewhere else" just because she's not angry and just because she's turned off from you at the moment. To be perfectly honest with you, you really messed up, big time. It's only natural for her to be turned off from you right now.
But if you want to get down to the nitty gritty of what she's feeling, you need to ask her, and get her to tell you what she's really thinking and feeling. And by the way, you two really shouldn't have sex again until you've had all your STD tests and they come back negative and you have a clean bill of health. You don't have the right to put her health, even her life, at risk. You're just going to have to do without sex for a while. You made the bed, if you want to fix this, you must lie in it.
And p.s., I don't think infidelity means the marriage is automatically over. Every woman is different. Now me, prostitutes are an immediate deal breaker. Would not want to be with a man who had slept with a prostitute. But your wife might not feel the same as I do.
Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 02-14-2011 at 09:11 AM.
The Following User Says Thank You to Larrylou'smom For This Useful Post: Kali333 (02-14-2011)
''my concerns such as if you are not interested or having lost the loving feeling why not say so?''
my reply to this is....if you was that frustrated and felt the need to have your sexual needs met and need other women todo it because your lady does, why didnt you say so ? hmmm. instead of sneaking around. if i am honest from your replys you sound absolutely full of yourself and you dont seem to ever care what you have done as you dont feel guilty and you put her at risk by going with a prostitute. she deserves better than this.